Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Mindfulness

<< < (43/48) > >>

Twoapenny:
Co-dependency is a huge issue for me, Lighter, and one I've had to work really hard at.  I do wonder how much of it stems, not just from childhood 'not being heard' stuff but also from society's, 'women must be nice and put other people first and be caring' kind of stuff as well.  It will be interesting for you to see if anything in it resonates with you.  I think it's particularly hard to know, especially with children or poorly people, how much is their genuine need for care and how much is us feeling obligated or compelled. 

I think we can only do healing work when we've got time.  You wouldn't have been able to work with this T during all the court cases, you simply wouldn't have had the time.  Then recovering, then home educating your girls, then sorting out your house, the beach house, the scary bits when the rellies have popped up again.  There's a pattern of enduring, trying to rebuild, enduring, trying to rebuild.  You wouldn't have been able to do this work with this T with all of that going on so - pat on the back for doing it now, no berating for not doing it sooner :)

Exercise and kids, and boys in particular - yes, yes, yes.  I personally think our education system is far too inactive - too much sitting around writing on bits of paper when they should be running and playing and doing.  And then it impacts out of school - computer games, TV, social media.  Out doing sport, running, walking - so much better xx

lighter:
Grrr..I wrote a long response to your post, Tupp but it's not here!

lighter:

--- Quote from: Twoapenny on August 05, 2019, 02:06:22 AM ---Co-dependency is a huge issue for me, Lighter, and one I've had to work really hard at. I ordered the 3 books,  used on Amazon, my T referred on Codependency.  I do wonder how much of it stems, not just from childhood 'not being heard' stuff but also from society's, 'women must be nice and put other people first and be caring' kind of stuff as well. I agree, it's not all childhood stuff, Tupp.  There's a lot of gender stuff, and societal expectations involved, IME.  I've felt permission to speak is granted more easily when we're DOING for others, caring for others, volunteering our time, etc.  It's certainly been a large part of my life, and I'm not sure how these next years are going to go.  I can't imagine doing anything the same way.  I think I'm done, and in that void between where I've been, and want to be.  Everyone goes through this void.  The void is familiar, even though I've traveled it at different times in my life, for different reasons.  It's my turn, and yours, I guess.  It will be interesting for you to see if anything in it resonates with you.  I think it's particularly hard to know, especially with children or poorly people, how much is their genuine need for care and how much is us feeling obligated or compelled.  FOG Fear, Obligation, and Guilt.  I'm sure these are huge motivating factors.  There's identity, and purpose in caring for others, and those of us lacking boundaries, or watching others model them to any extent, don't know how to avoid the sunny side of control.... "helping."   There's permission to speak, and permission to take up space when we're in certain positions, IME. I didn't have children to find identity, but I certainly found my voice advocating for them.  The truth is, I'd rather turn around, disengage, and withdraw than advocate for myself.

I don't know, Tupp.  There's the gender thing, and then there's the protecting our children from the real threat of Grandparents, and in my case, my childrens' father.... people who would have protected us and our children.  That's a whole'nuther level of heinous fuckery, IME.  Being attacked and flanked in ways we can't see coming, or protect against, with the systems that BE orchestrated against us too.  I don't know what to say about that.  It's clogging up our civil court system, which is on the brink anyway.  That hardwires into the brain.... all of it.  I'm positive I was more protective BECAUSE of the circumstances in our lives, same as you.  And health problems with our children, something no one knows how to deal with, on top of it.  I think we've done an amazing job, considering the waves we've surfed.  We didn't drown.  We kept popping back to the surface, getting our bearings, and soldiering on, and that's the thing...... I think we can stop soldiering.  I think we can unhook those very useful alarm bells, and shift into calm waters..... carry those waters within us, and BE on that calm surface no matter what's going on around us. 

Wouldn't it be amazing to barely register a letter or e mail from a source of stress?  To just see it, and not experience a chemical dump we have to recover from?  To dread no more.  I think we can, and we're learning how right now.   

I think we can only do healing work when we've got time.  You wouldn't have been able to work with this T during all the court cases, you simply wouldn't have had the time.  I know I would have benefitted from having access to chats with my T... if I could have calmed enough to hear her.  I think she had answers to coping that I didn't understand, but needed in my life.  My martial arts teacher tried to sit me down, and get me meditating, but that just made me frustrated and a bit angry at the word "meditation."  I felt like there should be easier ways to teach, and share that information, and I guess everyone has different ways of learning.  I'm not frustrated anymore bc I can SEE it now.  I can touch it, and breath it and experience relief, and that's honestly the most refreshing thing.  Sure, it would have been helpful 16 years ago, or 30, or 50, but ya know..... it is what it is, and I'm learning to do better NOW.  I'm modeling better for my girls NOW.  That's all that matters is now: )Then recovering, then home educating your girls, then sorting out your house, the beach house, the scary bits when the rellies have popped up again.  Tools and knowing how to cope better would have been super helpful through all that, Tupp.  There's a pattern of enduring, trying to rebuild, enduring, trying to rebuild.  Yup, nad the unfortunate thing about enduing and surviving is learning how to endure and survive as our default setting.  And then we're stuck.  Surviving, and reacting to crisis.... all the time.  And that's what our brains do daily, instead of recovering.  I saw it happen.  I felt it happen to me.  I knew it was a terrible thing shutting my brain down, limiting the choices I had, and norrowing my scope.You wouldn't have been able to do this work with this T with all of that going on so - pat on the back for doing it now, no berating for not doing it sooner :)   I wouldn't have, but I sure wish I had.  It's funny that my girls learned about breathing from the brain doctor, with his statistics, and studies, and scientific avenue, rather than from a T.  Both girls have been seeing Ts, and they haven't received THIS information, or understood it THIS way.  This information is in the world, but it's undermined by Western medicine, and ignorant people.  I think my girls hearing it from a doctor was a pretty good place to get it, IMO.   

Exercise and kids, and boys in particular - yes, yes, yes.  I personally think our education system is far too inactive - too much sitting around writing on bits of paper when they should be running and playing and doing.  And then it impacts out of school - computer games, TV, social media.  Out doing sport, running, walking - so much better xx  I so agree with you there: ) 

(((Tupp)))  How was your birthday?  Did you see your friend?
Lighter   

--- End quote ---

sKePTiKal:
Ah, Lighter strikes again!

The Void between what is and what is now and what we want to be. It's easy to get a little too cozy in the Void, or what "is" now, and not move on to what we want to be. To be fearful of being "good enough" or "smart enough now" or having the "right stuff" to start changing - like we're cursed to be forever, what we adopted to survive. Those tools served their purpose and might not be helpful now, ya know? Maybe occasionally, but not all the time.

And when we're on the path to being something else, than what we've been, occasionally the old habits come back up. The only thing required at those times, is to acknowledge it - oh yeah, that again - and consciously choose to get back to the path. Fear is present too. Almost ALWAYS I deal with - "well, is this really the direction I want to go in?" - second-guessing myself. I'm afraid of getting myself trapped into something that isn't what it appeared to be. Despite the fact that I survived and "escaped" the first time.

But ya know what? IF that does happen, I can still change my mind and direction again.

lighter:
Amber:

It's really difficult to get to the other side of the void.  The way OUT can be many things... wrong ways are abundant.   Getting stuck in the void, finding the wrong exit, getting stuck back in old coping strategies, and making the wrong turns INSIDE the void. It's complicated.... hard to be in the void, and process through it.... no right way... just OUT the right end.  Good to have a teacher to keep us on track, reassure us through the rough patches, and steer us back on track when we veer off course.  Yes.

I'm guessing BEING in the void can begin to feel like comfort, and home.  Identifying the void as our place in the world, as WHO we are, and what we're doing.... tough tough tough.  I'm tired of the void, and want something new.  Wanting it, and getting it, are two different things.

I'm guessing that it's rather a relief for those of us who've lived thorugh super crisis, the void can be a relief in some ways.   To exit crisis, and remain in the place that got us THROUGH the crisis... ready for the next one..... feeling in control, but suffering bc of being there.



And there are people who've DONE this, their books are touchstones.... words fig. clicking their fingers in front of our eyes, reminding us to TAKE our attention from whatever it is that HAS us, keeps us mired.... clicking to get our focus back on task, and keep bringing it back to that place. 

For me, it's a balance of living outside my issues, and calming my brain and CNS DOWN, so I CAN deal with the past eventually.  To create, and allow circumstances to give my brain the opportunity to file that information where it needs to go.  The brain is super efficient and constantly trying to complete the work if only we provide opportunity... then it's done in under a second.  Just DONE.  Poof.  Like magic, but not magic at all.  More science, and chemistry, and the knowledge we have power over our biology.  We have neuroplasticity.   Our heart rate, and ability to fluctuate, matters.   Our vagal system is important in ways we're still discovering. 

If we want to take control of our lives, we find the teachers who explain things in the way we understand, and we keep practicing.

Since I landed on this board it's been interesting to see posters GET information from one, but not another, bc of the way information was shared, or how it was explained. 

Sometimes posters don't seem to hear, or SEE anything, no matter how many posters explain, and attempt to share information.  I can honestly say I'm sure I've BEEN that poster, and I can say I've identified posters I perceived to find comfort in not knowing, or understanding or making different choices.... and that's OK.  It has to be OK.  I learned from it, and I still learn from it.  I can't judge it, bc it's my story too.  What happened that I made the leaps, and I've made leaps.  There's no denying it. 

This last leap includes connecting connection between the little leaps, and seeing how they interact, and make lasting change possible.  Breathing, biology, engaging the frontal cortex by unhooking the alarm bells/fight or flight system that comes online without knowledge.........  just SEEING it, and DOING it, with mindfulness, and  with all the smaller leaps... connecting dots, breathing, biology, SEEIng how we can control it, and bring real lasting change.  And doing it over and over and over, despite backsliding and crisis, and despair, and doubt.  Just going back to the basics, and walking through the steps..... finding those touchstones, and touching them.  One.  Two.  Three.  Four.  Over and over, till it's habit, and new pathways are forming. 

I think some of the brain balancing stuff, regarding resistance and unconscious belief systems, will be helpful soon.  Once I get some of these practices down.

Lighter

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page