Welp, didn't quite go as planned, but all is well after a tough time.
The day I was to leave was Ngent's memorial. I always dread packing even for simple trips (ADD nightmare) and had put it off. Thus I'd have to rush from the church back home and tear off because I was on the "dinner team" at the beach. Long story short, something got to me in the service (lovely, moving) and I started shaking in the pew. Strange. Then after brief visit to his friends at reception, I dashed off on errands, feeling not normal. Walking from my car to library (for books on tape) my heart kicked into very very hard tachycardia, chest pressure, etc. Sat in library massaging carotid for a while and it eventually slowed, but I had that utterly drained, sick-all-over, SOBreath panic attack feeling.
I knew it was 90% more likely a panic attack than anything cardiac, but the fear is real. Given my age, my family history...I was anxious enough to consider going to the ER. But since earlier in life I'd had a lot of panic attacks and really thought this was one, I was reluctant to go and get all tied up with tests and possible admission, etc.
Called my retired social worker friend who offered to come over, and she just let m vent it all out for a couple of hours. I calmed, felt better, and realized I'd be okay.
What I pieced together afterward was that over the last few months there'd been a whole collection of emotionally very taxing things:
Church drama/conflict came to a peak. Shift in emotional safety there since being in the open with how I feel.
Large beach group (church, 12 women) was making me anxious, as groups of women (not here!) often do. Old old old bruises from pecking order stuff early on.
Ngent -- moving, crises, moving again, falls/breaks bones, dies. Stressful service planning; service itself. Moving, stressful. Avoided minister. Started shaking near end of service.
Kavanaugh hearings, obsessive reading of all the coverage. Primal fear/
disappointment. Nobody I know wants to talk about depths of feminist feeling.
Estranged only child birthday two days before.
Need to start new push for more income. Uncertainty.
Two novel workshops; sense that it’s now or never adds tension. MUST = fear.
Loneliness. Winter coming. Hating living alone. Fears of aging/dying alone.
That's it, but evidently it was enough. I've been struggling with feelings about my dear T, as well. He in no way intends to do this, because it's likely me projecting something. But I sometimes find that I imagine, because he's so practical and focused, that he's always looking for signs that I'm functioning better, and I react as though I'm being "prodded". I don't think he means to prod, he's just asking. But in some deeper inner battle, I have a cycle of feeling shame, reluctance to explain (again and again) how difficult some life organization and planning and producing are for me. He is kind and compassionate but I think perhaps he doesn't get some things that I feel persistently STUCK about. He's probably frustrated too.
So I haven't left him, but I have searched out a female therapist who uses a method that involves deep empathy, emotional presence, lots of emotional processing. T and I have normally just talked a ton, but there's been little transference, I think is the right term. All I know is after many many years during which seeing him was my refuge, safe place, and comfort zone...I'm coming to be more frustrated with (despite the good relationship with him) the process. I am sick of being stuck. I've told him things like, I'd like to go deeper with this than talking about practical techniques to deal with distractability. I think I need to deal with emotional, even spiritual, losses and realities. He tries to ask deeper questions but I think it's just not who he is. He is a behaviorist, extremely practical, and though I love him dearly, it may be time for me to move on.
Of course, that's another stressful change that could produce NEW anxiety. And that I do not need. At all. So...I'm hoping I could somehow get away with adding her, even once or twice a month, and cutting the number of sessions with him in half. I doubt insurance will allow that.
She's going to call me back to set up an initial appointment to talk about it. May not have a regular opening for a new client until Nov. or Dec., which is fine by me.
----------------
So....where is everybody? I haven't posted because I thought I'd be away (I didn't go to the beach after the attack, just couldn't face the drive alone and had to retreat and rest. Coming out of it now.) And I see that nobody's been posting.
I hope that means everyone is well and calm and enjoying early fall. I missed you.
love,
Hops
