Yard

[Hopalong]

And thanks for the joy vote, Lighter!

Tupp, I've been retired from FT (full time) work since end of 2015 (the gigging lasted about 3 years), and now, what I've put by might cover help (health aide if that day comes, more home help) for a year or two. I'm in my early 70s so there could be (or not) quite a few years to go. My parents were long lived (Dad into mid-80s, Mom until 98). I have no windfalls coming from any direction so have been regarding my savings as for emergencies only. I also save every month toward my emergency fund, which I have to tap for things like fallen trees, and also need to anticipate major home situations bound to happen: replacement of the very old furnace will be probably $10,000 minimum, still haven't fixed minor damage to the corner of the roof from the branches fall because even though it's minor, finding a person who won't be really expensive is going to wait a year.

I would LOVE to lavish more repairs and improvements on my nest, but my nest egg isn't big enough to take risks with (it's less than a quarter of what fiduciaries say a person my age should have on hand). So...I still loved your perspective because it does bring joy to improve the appearance of my house/yards, and I will do what I can to keep that going.

Years ago, I could paint my own house and indoors and do many more things for myself. Now, I have to hire help for any improvement because my back is so fragile right now that 10 minutes in the kitchen triggers pain. (PT on the horizon.) When my sweet friend B was here he did some small repairs and it hit me that I've had no help I didn't pay for in decades. It really showed me the reality.

Anyway, loved your perspective, Tupp. Just working out how to strike a sane but not fear-driven balance.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Aw Hopsie, I'm sorry for misunderstanding your post.  I'd read it like you felt guilty for spending on something nice, like it was an indulgence?  I didn't realise it was a 'pot not full enough' situation.  It's incredibly frustrating, I think, to work and look after others throughout your life and then to find yourself without enough left for what you need.  Ditto not being able to rely on good quality state/government provision and so not having to worry about paying for help.  I hope you get some improvement with your back, everything is so much harder if even basic household stuff is painful.  I do get the fear/worry over not knowing, and even just with finding good people to do the work well so that what you do spend is well spent.  It's a lot to have to manage and keep on top of.  $10,000 for a furnace is eye watering, it's all so expensive.  I hope you are able to have the nice gardener in again, even in the winter I think it's nice to have a garden to spend time in xx

[Twoapenny]

I kept thinking about this, Hopsie, is there not a novel inside you?  Or a blog or YouTube channel or something like that?  You've had so many experiences in life, learnt so much from them, have so much you can pass on to others, whether through fiction or practical advice - ADHD, family estrangement, family care situations, dating in later life, setting up villages!  I don't know how it all works but there seem to be ways that people make money out of blogs and channels?  Hopsie's Guide to Life, What I Wish I'd Known When I Was Younger kind of stuff?  I'm frustrated that your finances are not helping you enough xx

[Hopalong]

Awww thanks, ((((Tupp)))).

I really shouldn't complain about not having a fat cushion. Compared to most people in the world I'm privileged as hell. And not exactly terrified about money, but concerned. Maybe the state of the country/world seeps in, too. It's mostly the familylessness, probably.

I have an intense desire to leave my D my house, because she'll never have her own home unless she inherits this one. I put it in trust for her years ago. So to me, it's off limits. I sure wouldn't want to sell it to pay for somebody to take care of my body if it's not working any more -- because I just don't want to live through that kind of misery if it's avoidable. That leads me to a different outcome and a dark one. It was nice to talk with friend B, who said he has the same thoughts. So many older people do ponder the big escape. I loathe our system of obstacles. Anyhoo, not today or hopefully not ever necessary!

As to writing for profit, won't be doing that again. I write for the nonprofit here and there, but otherwise have committed to doing my creative writing (poetry and novel) for the rest of my life. Slowwwly, but it's pure and brings me joy.

And I'm feeling quite good right now except for my back. Gotta go back to PT, and then more will be possible.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I think the lack of family is the big difficulty.  However many friends, neighbours, volunteers you have around you, it just isn't the same as having a solid family system and/or enough money to pay for staff to do everything that is necessary.  I don't think you're complaining, Hops, just explaining the reality of the situation, which is one I can identify with myself!  I agree with you about the end of life stuff as well.  I remember being in hospital one time and there was an elderly lady in there, so frail that she almost looked like just a head, her body was so tiny it barely raised the bed covers.  Many tubes and monitors attached; her situation was perhaps not as serious as it looked and maybe she did make a full recovery but I do know that I would be really happy to just go off in the chair one afternoon and that be that, rather than withering away over a long period of time.  I do think there should be easier ways for people to decide what they do and don't want in life.  They're serious things we all have to consider and it's not a pleasant thought.  But like you say, hopefully not necessary ever, fingers crossed for many more years (and a better back!  I hope the PT has started/is helping now).

[Hopalong]

You get it, Tupp. Just made myself a calendar note to follow up on PT. One body part a month...it becomes a hobby! But all in all I'm doing physically a lot better. Short walks again, finally, and thanks to the meds, no chest pain -- and strength will build. I think I needed the back pain reminder that it's time now to take care of myself, not later.

My present thought about the end of life is that it's comforting and rational to think about how to escape the medical system at some point. But since it's unlikely I could manage it, and most don't, it's better to focus on rebuilding post-pandemic (one hopes) health and strength and stay in the present. So if I take rationality and subtract anxiety (much better since I'm now on a wee dose of SSRIs), life can be lived again more than avoided as I've done for quite a while, and lived more happily. I'm sitting by the SAD light now, house is looking better and winter does not need to inevitably throw me for a loop. Who knows, we might have June temperatures anyway! Another random thing is that I need symphonies again, and to fill the house with them. What did I get those great huge speakers for?

Pooch is doing well as her muzzle whitens and she's nearly fully recovered from a systemic fungal infection (another drug miracle), and in an unexpected way we're finding more joy together. More happiness every morning when we first see each other. I see her tail wag like mad from the couch as she discovers me anew every day. It's so ridiculous to be so PLEASED -- oh there you are! But it reminds me what animals teach us over and over. When it's nice out, wag your tail. When it's not, hunker down. Depressed human = depressed dog, and I had been in denial that it was happening. I'm very grateful for the SSRIs. Sometimes I don't see something in perspective until its absence feels so good.

A year ago my gardener neighbor came over and planted a little piece of a funny form of chrysanthemum that functions like a perennial even though they're not. This thing grew to the size of a fat wide shrub in one season and covered with blooms. They're a light salmon-ish pink, small blossoms but so many of them. Wonderful thing to look at right out my front window (that's just a yard from the pooch couch). And I've started feeding the ungrateful crows again. Saw a fox in my front yard in the middle of the night and realized he was enjoying the nuts they'd missed.

I'm making a real effort to drag my mind off the news and into present place and present time. Not disengaged, but trying to focus on where I can be and what I can do, and release the rest as too big for small me to change. I hope the tiny lady you saw was in some kind of sweet oblivion.

BTW and I could never prove it, but I do think the lion's mane (a mushroom reputed to help with ADD) is helping. Been on it a couple months now.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Yes!  To lion's mane, I was reading up on it and there's some really good research re concentration, calm mind etc.  I was having a decaf mushroom coffee which was lion's mane, cordyceps (I'm not sure if that's how you spell it) and something else and it did seem to lift my brain fog without giving me the hot flushes and energy crashes that normal coffee does.  I think finding the right blend of various things you can tweak to get to a good functioning place is such a big help and yes, sometimes you don't realise how bad you've been feeling until you start to feel a bit better.  It's good that you're walking again without chest pain, that's a help all around, I'm sure.  I hope you can get some relief for your back.

I honestly think having a pet is the best thing, particularly when humans are in short supply.  Pooch sounds so lovely   This daft cat that's moved in with us is so cute, he snuggles up and miaows at me when he wants a fuss (or food) and they just make you smile I love the crows and the fox visiting as well, it's amazing how quickly animals settle in alongside humans if there's food to be had and they know you're not trying to eat them!  Lol.

[lighter]

Oh, Hops.... I so enjoyed your last post on this thread.  Something about your style is so satisfying for my brain to read, lol.

Ugrateful crows.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Awww, you guys.

The crows never figured out that it's me who's grateful for them! I did feel badly for the poor fox, who looked unwell (mangey). For a moment I wondered if it was a small coyote, still not absolutely certain but they are appearing here and there. If I could trap the fox I would, because without treatment that's a miserable end. Hmm.

And Pooch? I could sing songs of praise and gratitude every single day because she has made my spirits just ignite with delight, in random moments every day. I think my heart's healing from this or that, because she's always been her humorous, ready-to-love/laugh/be goofy self, and it was I who was deep in my own dark navel. I don't know when, but I'm going to plug that same gratitude into another rescued pooch one day. If can connect with animals one way or another, that's a wonderful reason to hang around.

People too, and I confess I'd stil love to find a stray rescue male one. LOL.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Lol, imagine if they had centres for unaccompanied males where you could go and have a look, get a few details, go for a walk and then pick the one you like the best   Lol, if only human relationships were as simple as animal ones - feed me and make a fuss of me and I'll love you forever   It would be so lovely xx

[lighter]

Truthfully, I don't have that urge for male company, Hops.

I enjoy the company of DD's friends..... am happily training one in basic punching/footwork..... asked a different one to put together my vacuum and a Halloween prop yesterday...... I think that, and working with the contractor, has me topped off.

Honestly, the contractor and I spend so much time together, it feels like we're work husband and wife. 

I didn't tell you guys, but we had a very weird night where his helper pulled out without notice on an upcoming job.  Contractor drank a few glasses of wine around the fire pit ..... I just sat there and listened to him go round, verbally stating what sounded like internal dialogue and SHOULD have stayed internal. 

The gist was....... his wife, his faithfulness and the fact he and I were never going to have sex,
 though we had plenty of opportunity, was a fact in his life.....
and he was just looking ahead and I was being speechless, watching him babble......
then he looked at me, assumed I was...... maybe dissapointed?  Or...... hurt, bc........  he looked dead at me and said....
"not that you aren't attractive.  YOU ARE.  It's just that I'm a faithful man and I'm going to write my wife love letters and send them from here."

Then he was quiet for a few beats, announced he was going to lie down and marched off the porch, thanks be to Jesus.

I'd had a really bad day, so I felt a combination of nausea and admiration.

Was he wildly innapropriate?  Why, yes.... yes he was. 

Has he brought it up again?  No....he has not, though he did ask for a stamp to mail the first love letter.

I think he's a little horrified, and I get along super well with his wife and MIL.  Better than I get along with  him.  He's got some work to do and has appointments set with my amazing Therapist.  Lucky duck. 

I know this..... i won't be speechless if he has a moment again.  And it's an amazing, calm, kind knowing I'll put an end to foolishness I don't have to endure, bc I can end it. 

Lighter

[lighter]

This year we're decorating the double garage permieter...... I picked up a huge bolt of thick black fabric for 10,00 at a HUGE ReStore out of town while uninstalling a dishwasher I wanted.  I'm running electric cords today and anticipating rain Tues. 

We went to get DD fangs at one of those pop up stores and got jump scared twice by animatronics.  DD said those are cheap scares.... ours are going to be real scares delivered by real monsters.... us!

I'm expecting help to set up today.  Sister arriving this evening.  We'll have at least 11 people manning this thing and lots of dark hidey holes to pop out of!

Lighter

[lighter]

Halloween was super successful with my cousin and her dh joining in.  My cousin was an adorable clown..... not scary.... did a cute little growl when popping out from amazing hidy holes which startled.  Her dh sat at the entrance and pointed people into the scary circus tent intrance...... in full makeup and costume, which he said he wouldn't particupate in, but did.  SO MUCH FUN!!  So scary.  Lots of places to hide and scare from.... I got to sit in the tent THEN move to the exit while trick or treaters were busy in mid garage.  It was SO GOOD. 

One car is back in the garage for winter and another will be in when youngest dd finishes with finals and her bed is put in place.  The bed is in pieces, painted and ready to go.

The yard has a baby Hemlock planted between retired nurse's yard and mine. It lived on the porch for 3 years, growing strong and healthy.   I have 12 more growing on the porch and in the nearby wood, waiting, roots cut at drip lines, treated for wooly adelgid, readying for early Spring transplanting to my yard bringing Hemlocks to 42 around the perimeter of the yard for evergreen privacy.

I've allowed some baby Maple trees to grow, as well.  Will decide which stay next year.

The is almost gone from the front yard, which was the plan.  The back and side yards are still mostly moss and that might go more natural.... will see. 

putting up wreaths then getting on the road..  We'll buy a fresh Christmas tree once DD is done with finals.  The farmer's market has TONS of live trees with root balls, which look good to me.   

I might take the largest and very perfect Hemlock from the woods as a Christmas tree.... maybe.  Not sure, but it would have to live and I don't have a pot big enough to keep it right now.  If I can find a pot...... if I think I can keep it safe and heathy..... that might work out.

Lighter

[lighter]

Sis and I transplanted maybe 8 Hemlocks and assorted other things recently.  We're planting extensions to the existing Hemlock privacy groves, I guess I'd call them.

Will walk the pug in the rain then do some interior editing. 

Eating healthier , digging, fetching and planting has me sore, but feeling strong.

Lighter

[lighter]

We have tons of Trillium in the forest..... it really is 500 acres, not 300.  Crazy how many Trillium and different types growing in different areas.  And bulbs.  And ferns.  Lots of Fairy Houses.... more and more every week.  More little treasures and gnomes and cherished crystals left by anonymous others.  Very interesting and enjoyable. 

A neighbor, Mama K, has 4 little girls (oldest is pre-schooler, E) is happy to allow the older 2 to participate in the fairy houses.  I'm looking forward to halloween and Christmas..... there's a perfectly dead grove of hemlocks for the halloween houses.  Might put the Christmas houses in K's back yard or at the trail head.  Will see.  It's a joyful thing to plan.


Lighter