Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves

[sKePTiKal]

Ha! I knew you'd sort this out Tupp.

[Twoapenny]

Ha! I knew you'd sort this out Tupp.

Ha ha, it takes me a while but I get there in the end!  It's funny, it's making me see things really differently.  I went to the group again this morning (parents of special needs kids) and again, everyone's very nice but I'm noticing different personalities and I sat there this morning thinking to myself - I don't have to get on with everyone, or be their friend, or assume they want to be my friend because they sit next to me and talk to me.  A couple of the mums don't drive and they were talking about it being hard to get around and I opened my mouth to say "I can give you lifts, call me!".  And then I closed my mouth before I could speak because this is what I do; I offer to help people and put myself under more pressure or end up spending time with people that I don't really want to and I get myself into a fix.  So I am happy to help other people out but I'm going to work on being selective about what I offer to do and who I offer to do it for, and practise being clear about what I can and can't do.

I also realised it is okay for me to 'use' people.  I don't really know the best way to say that but I've always felt like I should be very authentic with people and not take from them unless I can give back.  But the two mums that have set the group up have done it expressly to help other parents so it is actually alright for me to just sit there and enjoy my cup of tea if I want to - I don't have to be the group agony aunt or tea lady, because others are willing to do it.  I don't have to leap in and help everybody and that felt nice to just be okay with that and not give myself a hard time.  I don't have to take responsibility for the way everybody else feels and I think that's the first time that's really felt alright with me?  Blimey!  This might all actually get a bit easier!  Lol x

[Hopalong]

Oh wow, Tupp.
You really are operating out of new insight.

I'm soooooo impressed. BRAVO! It all makes so much SENSE.

Forgive me for not writing more...thinking of you and cheering!

xo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

That sounds like a really solid first step Tupp. You can probably safely commisserate over some of the difficulties without volunteering to shoulder the solution, too. That might get you a step closer to the kind of connection you're looking for. Doesn't cost you a thing to validate someone's experience or feelings. (And doesn't mean you'll always be able to do so...)

[Twoapenny]

That sounds like a really solid first step Tupp. You can probably safely commisserate over some of the difficulties without volunteering to shoulder the solution, too. That might get you a step closer to the kind of connection you're looking for. Doesn't cost you a thing to validate someone's experience or feelings. (And doesn't mean you'll always be able to do so...)

Yes, exactly that, Skep.  I think one of the reasons I've disliked groups in the past (and stopped going to or avoided them) is that I felt obliged to be everyone's mate, join in with everything, help out and all the rest of it.  I'd get home feeling exhausted and like I'd been used but, of course, I was allowing myself to do all of this (volunteering for it, usually), so it makes sense now.  What I've realised is great about these groups is that I can use them as an opportunity to get to know people, work out who I'd like to get to know better and who I don't, not get to know anyone better if I feel like it and offer to help when and if I'm able to, without having to commit to the entire thing, every single time.  I just feel so much better about it all; for years I've felt there's something wrong with me and that I keep attracting the wrong sort or reading the signals wrong and it's made me fearful of getting involved with new people.  This just feels like it makes more sense and that makes me feel a whole lot better

[Hopalong]

Lovely, lovely.

To me it sounds like you're respecting yourself, Tupp. Not in an angry or brittle way. But in a natural way. You're respecting the natural limits of your energy and your own needs.

You're tending to yourself first with kindness, as a priority. You're on your own side and not forgetting or abandoning yourself in the presence of others. And that makes other social decisions and choices so much easier. It all flows from that more solid sense of yourself...you are still present when other people are. Not a shell of you or a performance. Just real you, being gentle and honest. Gentle includes saying No, and not leaping to take on responsibilities you don't need to carry. And cooperating with your own well being.

You've befriended yourself.

BRAVOOOO! Thanks for sharing this, it was wonderful to read.

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Tupp:

For me it really helps to see exactly what's been happening... what our actions and energy in a situation has been, so we can assess it.  Maybe change, or tweak it, so we get more of what we want.

That you're in observer mode is wonderful!

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Lovely, lovely.

To me it sounds like you're respecting yourself, Tupp. Not in an angry or brittle way. But in a natural way. You're respecting the natural limits of your energy and your own needs.

You're tending to yourself first with kindness, as a priority. You're on your own side and not forgetting or abandoning yourself in the presence of others. And that makes other social decisions and choices so much easier. It all flows from that more solid sense of yourself...you are still present when other people are. Not a shell of you or a performance. Just real you, being gentle and honest. Gentle includes saying No, and not leaping to take on responsibilities you don't need to carry. And cooperating with your own well being.

You've befriended yourself.

BRAVOOOO! Thanks for sharing this, it was wonderful to read.

Hugs
Hops

Hops, I agree!  Lol, it just feels better, it's hard to put it into words but I suddenly feel like I've been looking at it from the wrong angle and instead of assuming something about me is making these relationships difficult, I've realised that other people also have their own hang ups and stuff that they do, and it doesn't mean I'm faulty - just that I'm keener to have those deeper connections and longer chats and I'd rather wait for that than fill my day up with things (and people) I don't particularly want to be around.  I just feel more content in myself and less desperate to validate myself through other people's eyes, I suppose?  It does feel better - I feel like a weight's been lifted and it suddenly feels easier xx

[Twoapenny]

Tupp:

For me it really helps to see exactly what's been happening... what our actions and energy in a situation has been, so we can assess it.  Maybe change, or tweak it, so we get more of what we want.

That you're in observer mode is wonderful!

Lighter

Being able to observe it is helping, Lighter, I find it hard to separate out how I feel from what I can see is going on sometimes.  If I'm feeling low, I just want to not feel low, rather than observing it, you know?  So this has been helpful, I just felt like I could sit back a bit and watch what was going on and not attach quite so much importance to it all?  It felt good!  Lol xx

[lighter]

 Seems this is an important piece of the puzzle, (((Tupp )))
Light

[Twoapenny]

Seems this is an important piece of the puzzle, (((Tupp )))
Light

Lighter, I really think it is!  A friend messaged last night to ask a favour - first time I've heard from her in weeks.  Even just a few days ago I'd have been so upset and gone into my "see, people only call you when they want something" mode.  But it genuinely didn't bother me, I just feel sort of, "okay, this is a 'get together for a coffee and drop in from time to time friend' rather than the really deep connections I want" - and that's okay.  I can have friends I don't make a massive effort with, either.  I think that's what's changed, I've suddenly realised I don't have to put a lot of effort in, either, and I think in the past I've always put a lot of effort in, no matter what.  That's not reciprocated and then I get down.  But I can have 'coffee' friends and save my energy for the deep and meaningfuls (and the favour she asked is tiny and I'm doing the same thing for myself anyway so I don't mind doing it for her as well as it's not an effort so all good ) xx

[lighter]

We file people in our hearts and minds, according to their trustworthiness, and kind of contact we'll have, or not have. 

I'm trying to feel more confident about these choices. I don't want to feel I MUST justify them, to anyone.  Including myself.  There's a certain amount of angst, and internal struggle for me, particularly when .

I can't please everyone.  I might as well make sure I'm pleased. 

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Well the last couple of days have been interesting (and useful!) from an observational point of view

We went to visit a council run day centre yesterday, with a view to son spending a day a week there over the summer holidays.  It was awful and I wouldn't leave the cat there, let alone him.  I then came home and called the care agency we're supposed to be using for support and discovered no-one there has any experience with son's particular type of seizure and no-one is trained to use the rescue meds he might need if he starts seizing when he's with them.  They would call an ambulance, who would then decide whether or not to administer or take him in to hospital - all of which is completely unnecessary and could potentially leave him fitting for an hour or more, when the rescue meds stop the seizure within minutes and I carry them in my bag (as should anyone else who's looking after him).

But it didn't make me want to jump off a cliff, as so many things have done over recent months.  I gave it a bit of thought and decided that my best bet is to focus on his next review (which is early next year and will change everything because he'll be assessed as an adult rather than a child, which is a whole new set of legislation, different requirements and so on, so everything will change again), rather than continuing to battle through with this one, which has basically been a waste of time so far and I will get everything done just in time for his review to go through when it will all change anyway.  So - I let it go.  I've asked the social worker if she could try to get us some funding just to pay for days out over the summer holiday but I will focus the next six months on putting together a really good package for him, finding good quality carers who can give him the care he needs and preparing for court (just in terms of knowing what the options are if we have to fight it all again) and from now until his 18th birthday I just want to focus on resting and enjoying the day without any drama.  It felt good to refocus, accept that it's not worth battling on now and instead recircling the wagons to prepare for the next stage.

This afternoon we went to see another place that he might be able to go to and it's absolutely lovely.  A lovely couple bought a small farm a few years ago and have transformed it into a place for adults with learning difficulties to care for animals, grow food, do art and craft indoors on bad weather days and enjoy picnics when it's sunny.  They've got a small swimming pool that the clients can use as well.  We're doing a volunteer day there in a few weeks' time and then I'm going to take him over there during the summer holiday to get him used to the place.  They need more volunteers so I'm going to find out if I can volunteer with them once son's package is sorted and I don't have to be available all the time.  That's the sort of set up I like - it's outdoors, the people are lovely, there's plenty to do and it's just right up my street.  So I want to focus more time doing that sort of thing now.

Then we went to feed a friend's pet for them while they're away and the pets haven't been left in very good condition - not animal cruelty stuff but a bit thoughtless.  Ordinarily I would have stayed with them for ages, texted friend asking should I do this, should I do that - but I thought, no, it's not for me to sort out.  And I came home and I don't feel bad about it.  Something in me has shifted and it's very interesting to see!

[Twoapenny]

We file people in our hearts and minds, according to their trustworthiness, and kind of contact we'll have, or not have. 

I'm trying to feel more confident about these choices. I don't want to feel I MUST justify them, to anyone.  Including myself.  There's a certain amount of angst, and internal struggle for me, particularly when .

I can't please everyone.  I might as well make sure I'm pleased. 

Lighter

You were writing at the same time as me, Lighter   Lol.

Yes, I think I've always felt very compelled to behave like everybody's best mate and be available for them and do things for them.  And now I'm just thinking, actually, it's okay to meet someone for a coffee every now and again and it doesn't need to be anymore than that.  And you're right, you may as well please yourself rather than trying to keep everyone else happy lol x

[Meh]

That's too bad about the day center. Would have been a social opportunity for both of you maybe.