Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves

[lighter]

I think doing what you agreed, then not offering to do more on that document sounds reasonable, Tupp.

Maybe the lady won't actually need it done differently if she's the one who has to do it.

She hasn't thought things through, and it's unfair that you're the one paying the price.

Good for you.   Take care of yourself first.

::nodding::.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

I think doing what you agreed, then not offering to do more on that document sounds reasonable, Tupp.

Maybe the lady won't actually need it done differently if she's the one who has to do it.

She hasn't thought things through, and it's unfair that you're the one paying the price.

Good for you.   Take care of yourself first.

::nodding::.

Lighter

Thanks, Lighter.  I've felt jittery all day since I got the email.  I think little things build up and then my body starts to respond with panic, whatever the situation is.  I've done yoga so will start to calm down soon.  Have got soothing music on.  Problems at college have been bugging me - I try not to think about it but I'm aware it's there.  The endlessly barking dogs - again, I try to ignore, it's a bit easier now the weather's turned because the doors and windows aren't open as much but they woke me at 6 this morning and I couldn't get back to sleep.  We had a late night so I could have done with a bit more sleep than that.  Tired through the day now, so that affects me, I'm trying really hard not to stock up on caffeine and sugar to get me through but without it I feel tired and listless.  Felt a bit despondent about a friend's reaction to something I told her.  Had been able to put it out of my mind but I think the barriers come down when I'm tired and stuff just floods in then and it's much harder to get rid of.  Going to the cinema in a bit so that will take my mind off things for a while xx

[Hopalong]

I get it, Tupp. Here's some script play (toss at your pleasure!)

Dear XX (lady you like a lot) --

Good to hear from you. Gosh, wish I'd gotten this earlier. What I've
done already is based on what we'd all discussed some weeks back,
and it did take hours. I'm afraid I can't start over again now but
I hope this will still helpful! It's attached...do take what's useful
and ignore the rest.

Best,
Tupp

[Twoapenny]

I get it, Tupp. Here's some script play (toss at your pleasure!)

Dear XX (lady you like a lot) --

Good to hear from you. Gosh, wish I'd gotten this earlier. What I've
done already is based on what we'd all discussed some weeks back,
and it did take hours. I'm afraid I can't start over again now but
I hope this will still helpful! It's attached...do take what's useful
and ignore the rest.

Best,
Tupp

Thanks, Hops, that is kind of what I said to her although I don't word things as well as you do   But I wasn't rude or unpleasant about it, just sent the document through, explained I didn't have time to re-do it in light of the recent changes and said she's welcome to use bits of it if she can.  I've got two other things she asked me to do at the same meeting which I will do but only the barest minimum; I get that this is new for her and she's still figuring out the best way to go forward but it's kind of turned into a bit of a pain for me so I think I'm going to ease myself out and work on what's best for me and son.

On a positive note I spent yesterday evening reading up on work you can do from home and have about twenty things to check out and look into so I'm hoping that something there will at least bring in a little bit of cash and start things moving in a different direction for us   I think the good thing is that, although I have been feeling very down and despondent about our current situation, it has at least shown me what doesn't work for us and what we don't want, so I'm starting from a negative place but in a good way, if that makes sense?  Lol, nothing feels like it makes sense at the moment xx

[lighter]

Tupp:

Starting from a negative makes perfect sense to me, bc you've already Xd out so many options.... things get easier from that perspective.

Don't forget to network with people in your groups.  TELL them you're looking for opportunities you can perform from home.  They will know people who know people, and you just never know where things will go.

The saying...
Don't ask, don't get is a meaningful one.

Ask,  bc you're certainly worthy, and competent, and committed.  All great things an individual or company looking for help would benefit from,  IMO.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

You write SO well, Tupp.
And there ARE a lot of work-from-home jobs!!!

I had a church acquaintance who made a LARGE living
teaching online for an online university.

There are so many of them who hire online instructors.
Every subject you can imagine.

There might even be an online tutoring program.

Good luck with this!

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

You write SO well, Tupp.
And there ARE a lot of work-from-home jobs!!!

I had a church acquaintance who made a LARGE living
teaching online for an online university.

There are so many of them who hire online instructors.
Every subject you can imagine.

There might even be an online tutoring program.

Good luck with this!

Hugs
Hops

Thanks, Hops

Things are changing quite rapidly at the moment - it's kind of exciting and scary at the same time

I've been reading up online about work from home/work while you travel/work online ways of making money and am trying to work out which methods to try first.  Things that don't require any training or equipment will be the easiest ways to make a bit of cash, but also tend to pay the least.  Other things will require me doing some training or refresher courses, possibly just from home, so will take more time to start showing any income, but pay better.  So I'm trying to find the best way to balance my time between things that will help now and things that will help longer term.  It's interesting to look into and I think it's very fortunate that I've got stuff I can try out without having to make a huge commitment to it in terms or time or money, and it will at least give me an indication of whether it's worth taking further.  It feels exciting to at least have possibilities again - I've felt really lacking in that department for a while now.

Money is also looking a bit more promising at the moment.  A problem with our gas meter has finally been sorted out and I'm owed about £300, so I'm looking forward to that coming in to my account.  Other things that have been niggling me seem to be smoothing over and it all just generally feels a bit more positive and a bit more like something I can do something with.  I think I've felt for a while now at the mercy of other people and the system and I find that intolerable, in all honesty.  So it feels good to be finding another way to get things done.

I've a friend coming to stay next week which I'm really looking forward to.  We haven't seen each other in over a year and I've really missed her.  I've kind of pulled myself out of the help I was doing with the group.  The lady running it is very nice, but I have struggled with her constantly changing requests and responses.  After the last incident (where she asked everyone what they thought and then went ahead anyway without waiting for an answer) I've since discovered that she's been in contact with a group that she'd asked me to contact.  I don't mind her doing it instead of me, but if she'd told me I wouldn't have wasted my time doing it (basically we've both done the same thing and only one of us needed to.  Communication needs improving).  I will have to have a think about a way to feed back to her because I think if she carries on like this she'll alienate people who could help.  I'm not sure of the best way to do it and think I ought to do it face to face so that's on the back burner for now.

And I'm focusing on moving again   I'm not sure when or where yet but I will be glad to leave this house   So I'm focusing on cleaning, de-cluttering and generally keeping on top of things so that when the time comes, I can just pack and go without having to have a huge clear out and spring clean of the place.  My main aim to work through is scanning all this blooming paperwork and burning the hard copies.  It takes up a lot of space, has a lot of bad memories associated with it and I resent having to pack it all up and lug it from house to house, and then having to give it room.  It can bugger off.  So I think that's my big job to keep chipping away at over the next few months or so.

[Hopalong]

Tupp,
I think scanning and burning the paper piles is a brilliant idea. This way they'll take up a LOT less space in both your home and in your mind. The constant reminder of stacks of sh** is one thing that has been really stressful for me. Beginning to get a grip, so a lot more of it is out of sight. Really helps. Bravo, you.

How lovely that a good friend is coming! Hope you have a wonderful time, take comfort in this friendship.

It sounds great too that you're stepping back from what you can't fix (group leader lady being too scattered to not waste volunteers' time) but, if I understand right, remaining active with the group anyway to possibly build positive relationships?

And of course would love to hear about the moving plan as it shapes up. You deserve a non-damp, cheery home with enough space for you and son to breathe and relax. This was a stop-gap and though moving's hard, I'll keep all fingers and toes crossed for the right place to appear.

Open to the possibility of good things happening! (300 pounds is a nice hint...)

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Tupp,
I think scanning and burning the paper piles is a brilliant idea. This way they'll take up a LOT less space in both your home and in your mind. The constant reminder of stacks of sh** is one thing that has been really stressful for me. Beginning to get a grip, so a lot more of it is out of sight. Really helps. Bravo, you.

How lovely that a good friend is coming! Hope you have a wonderful time, take comfort in this friendship.

It sounds great too that you're stepping back from what you can't fix (group leader lady being too scattered to not waste volunteers' time) but, if I understand right, remaining active with the group anyway to possibly build positive relationships?

And of course would love to hear about the moving plan as it shapes up. You deserve a non-damp, cheery home with enough space for you and son to breathe and relax. This was a stop-gap and though moving's hard, I'll keep all fingers and toes crossed for the right place to appear.

Open to the possibility of good things happening! (300 pounds is a nice hint...)

Hugs
Hops

Thanks, Hops   Yes, I've stepped back from a 'proper' volunteer role:  I'm happy to help out as and when but don't want to commit to it now or be a first port of call for different things.  I can carry on with the group, making tea and I don't mind doing odd bits and pieces, I just don't want to be committed to it to then find it's all being done differently again.

Friend staying was lovely.  Much talking and thinking about next steps, a lovely visit to a local village thought to be the final resting place of a legendary King, very mystical and magical and stunning coastal views.

A decision has been made!  We're heading to a different town - same stretch of coastline but a bigger town.  We can get a nicer house in a better location, we'll be closer to some good friends, there are some good language schools there so I might even dip my toe back into teaching overseas students; I enjoyed that and it's a lot less stressful than standard state school teaching here.  Also a good University; I do keep wondering about further study so it's another possibility.  There seem to be more activities and clubs that my son would enjoy but I'll check those out before we make a move; sometimes the way a club's described and what it actually does isn't quite the same.  But overall boxes are being ticked, financially it seems possible.  It will take a while to sort out, I need to get some more money together and I do want to banish the paperwork; i'm not dragging all this crap with me this time.  So it won't be happening for a while but it feels nice to be focusing on something and to be working towards something again

[lighter]

OH TUPP I'm going to twirl in the moss, and smile to the sun... just over the moon about your plans to move, be closer to friends, and dive back into life... teaching... other opportunities that have yet to be revealed!

That's is amazing news, and I want you to know that it's just the spark I need to go into the office and dig in. After moss twirling, of course; )

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

OH TUPP I'm going to twirl in the moss, and smile to the sun... just over the moon about your plans to move, be closer to friends, and dive back into life... teaching... other opportunities that have yet to be revealed!

That's is amazing news, and I want you to know that it's just the spark I need to go into the office and dig in. After moss twirling, of course; )

Lighter

Lighter, thank you   I am being more realistic about this move.  I have always thought that (a) something would be a magical solution to life and (b) that I'd kind of just go back to my old life (pre -son) at some time.  I've let go of that.  I'm not looking for perfection.  I'll check the various groups and care options out up there and if any of those seem like something son could attend, even if just for an afternoon a week, then we'll set the wheels in motion.  I'm starting from assumption of working with him at home (both in terms of continuing his various therapies and education stuff myself) and having paid work I can do from home as well and then if we do manage to get paid care help for him it will be a bonus.  But I'm starting with the assumption that I'll do it all.  I found the fall from my expectation of moving here to the reality of how it's been just too much to cope with and it took me in to a very deep, dark pit that I don't want to visit again.  So this time I'll assume it will all be me and if it gets better than that, then great.

It's a nice town - on the coast, quite quirky and vibrant, lots of independent shops and social groups.  Good train links to other major cities.  About 90 minutes away from friends who I am currently about four hours away from so that will be good, it's doable in a day then so I'll be able to see them regularly like I used to.  I am looking forward to that.  The main town itself is expensive but there are areas about twenty minutes out that are more affordable and lots of old properties which I like (our current one is a new build).  Not necessarily going to be easy or happen quickly but it's looking viable and that will do for me for now.  This move will be completely in secret; I'll get mail redirected from this address indefinitely this time so that no-one knows we've moved again and there is then no way 'She Who Must Be Avoided' can possibly find out.  Lots to do, much to organise but in theory it all looks possible and I am looking forward to getting the wheels in motion.  And hoping for a spot to grow moss!  Lol xx

[lighter]

Well, you've done this before, and this time you're all in with self protection, and expectations seems to me.

You're certainly capable of organizing this move, finding a new location, and making it happen.  I feel good about your choice to just cut ties with forwarding addresses.  Pick and choose who you invite into your life.  Are the friends, 90 min away, the ones who visited you before?  The lovely people?  Was this last visit from that same friend?

I know your son is developmentally young for his age.  Is that age now about 5yo approximately, or older?  Will he continue to mature, or is that something that's not changing?

I hope this move brings new opportunities, and a fresh start for you and ds.  The town sounds nice, and living on the coast has it's charms. 

I talked about my past, that I miss so so much, with my T, and she listened intently, looked me in the eye, and said... "That's over now.  You're past that, and it will never come again.  You have to think about building a life in the present. "  I'm paraphrasing, but that was her message.

 She went on about how amazing the world is, and what joy there is to be had... many other very nice things, and I think I just blinked at her, perhaps very flat, bc she sent me some things on how we're really afraid of how powerful we are, not how wanting we are. 

She's ready for me to step into my power, and I'm thinking that would be an amazing next step, no matter what I do.   

I have the feeling that letting go of the past, as you've said recently, is a big part of the next step in this journey.

I hope you find a shady little garden, with plenty of moisture from the coast so that moss grows in shaggy abandon, good for wiggling toes in, ((Tupp.))
Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Well, you've done this before, and this time you're all in with self protection, and expectations seems to me.

You're certainly capable of organizing this move, finding a new location, and making it happen.  I feel good about your choice to just cut ties with forwarding addresses.  Pick and choose who you invite into your life.  Are the friends, 90 min away, the ones who visited you before?  The lovely people?  Was this last visit from that same friend?

I know your son is developmentally young for his age.  Is that age now about 5yo approximately, or older?  Will he continue to mature, or is that something that's not changing?

I hope this move brings new opportunities, and a fresh start for you and ds.  The town sounds nice, and living on the coast has it's charms. 

I talked about my past, that I miss so so much, with my T, and she listened intently, looked me in the eye, and said... "That's over now.  You're past that, and it will never come again.  You have to think about building a life in the present. "  I'm paraphrasing, but that was her message.

 She went on about how amazing the world is, and what joy there is to be had... many other very nice things, and I think I just blinked at her, perhaps very flat, bc she sent me some things on how we're really afraid of how powerful we are, not how wanting we are. 

She's ready for me to step into my power, and I'm thinking that would be an amazing next step, no matter what I do.   

I have the feeling that letting go of the past, as you've said recently, is a big part of the next step in this journey.

I hope you find a shady little garden, with plenty of moisture from the coast so that moss grows in shaggy abandon, good for wiggling toes in, ((Tupp.))
Lighter

Thanks, Lighter   Yes, the friends we'll be closer to are the ones who have been down to visit since we moved here (I've seen more of them since we moved here than the friends who live down here, because they've made more of an effort to get together).  So to be a train ride away from them and to be able to pop up for a few hours rather than having to do at least an overnight will mean we can get together more often.  When we lived nearer to them before I generally saw them at least every four to six weeks so it will be nice to get back to something like that again.  I think my son is probably functioning more at a seven year old level now, although his speech is probably further behind than that.  I am planning to carry on working with him with his independence skills and I'm going to look into assistive technology for him more now.  For example, there is apparently an app where he just presses a picture of a bell and it automatically calls however many phone numbers you've programmed in to it and send his location to those numbers as well, so that if there's a problem he can get help quickly.  You can also get systems now where you can see who's at your door even if you're not at home, and speak to them over some sort of wizardry tech set up - so effectively I can answer the door even if I'm not home.  Things like that would make it possible to leave him home by himself for an hour or so, I think.  And in all honesty Lighter, I don't think I'll ever stop working with him to help him be as independent as possible - I think there's always a chance we can learn new skills and change our neural pathways so I'm hopeful that he will continue to improve.

Yes, your T is right.  I have, and am, finding it really hard to let go of the past - all the bad things that happened, all the good things that I hoped I'd get back to and haven't been able to.  And because so many of my past experiences have been bad, I find the idea of having a big open space in front of me frightening rather than exciting.  But I am trying really hard to focus on what I can do, right now, to make things work a little better, even if that's just having a glass of water rather than a cup of tea or a banana instead of a biscuit.  I'm going to keep chipping away at it and really working at focusing on what I want to happen, rather than what's happened before.  It's the balance between taking sensible precautions and still moving forward that wavers a bit, so I will keep focusing on that.

The idea of shaggily abandoned moss is a brilliant one and makes me smile, Lighter   Lol xx

[Hopalong]

I really like the sound of this other town, Tupp.
I hope this plan will come to life.

I like your realism and controlled expectations, too.

I just hate the idea of you going through another move because of you-know-who. That this old bat still has influence over your life is a frustrating thought.

Do you think you'd feel differently about your present town if you were in a more pleasant home? I was crushed for you when it became clear that your "new" place was poky, moldy, damp and cramped. You deserve enough space to breathe, NO damp or mold, and somewhere you really can make cozy. I understood completely why things went dark in your mind for a while.

I like your new plan too. But I hope Nmom is irrelevant.

love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I really like the sound of this other town, Tupp.
I hope this plan will come to life.

I like your realism and controlled expectations, too.

I just hate the idea of you going through another move because of you-know-who. That this old bat still has influence over your life is a frustrating thought.

Do you think you'd feel differently about your present town if you were in a more pleasant home? I was crushed for you when it became clear that your "new" place was poky, moldy, damp and cramped. You deserve enough space to breathe, NO damp or mold, and somewhere you really can make cozy. I understood completely why things went dark in your mind for a while.

I like your new plan too. But I hope Nmom is irrelevant.

love
Hops

Hops, I can see you've been busy updating threads!  Lol.  Unfortunately, it was whilst browsing online at potential new properties locally a little while ago that I realised I didn't want to be here, lovely house or no lovely house.  College hasn't just not worked out, it's actually doing a lot of damage now (more drama today which I'll no doubt moan about at some point but for now I'm trying to put it out of my mind for the rest of the day).  But it's clear to me that college isn't the answer.  I've looked around at the adult provision and that's not ringing my bell either.  I do accept and appreciate that it might get to the point where I just have to suck up what's available and lower my standards - but I'm not there yet and I'm going to keep trying all the time I've still got a bit of fight left in me.  I feel very abandoned by my friends here and I have met some nice people, but I'm aware that nice people alone isn't enough.  I need good quality care for my son and a decent range of social activities for him to get in to and the boxes just aren't being ticked here.  So even with a lovely home, we've still got the same problem of (a) it's going to fall to me to do most of the work with him and (b) that means me having to be at home a lot  - and my friends here aren't even keeping in touch by text, let alone making time to come visit.  I don't expect anyone to make a huge effort but a slight nod every now and again to acknowledge they're aware we exist would mean that at least I don't have to make all the effort by myself.

Mum was the straw that broke the camel's back.  Do you have Kerplunk in the States?  You have a tube full of marbles that are balanced on sticks which you take it in turns to pull out.  Eventually all the marbles drop.  Although everything else had been going less than well, I was consoling myself with the fact that she didn't know where we were.  But now she does know, that last little bit of comfort I was trying to give myself has gone as well.  So she isn't the sole reason we're moving, but her not knowing where we were was the one thing that was making me feel I should stay and keep trying.  And now I feel like I want to put my trying into moving somewhere she doesn't know, and not telling anyone.  Shush   Lol.

But the positives - I am really, truly, leaving my old life behind this time.  Physically, the paperwork clutter will be gone when we leave here, scanned and archived if necessary, burnt if not.  Much of son's childhood stuff will be no more; I'll keep a few things of sentimental value, make memory books and so on, but much will be going to charity or passed on to various groups in the area.  Friends who can't find the time to text from one month to the next will not receive my love!  I'm not perfect, but I'm a good friend.  I'm kind, I listen, I offer practical help when I can, I'm a whizz with looking up stuff on the internet and will happily search a load of info for someone in need and mail it to them.  I'm good company and reliable and I do bloody well with holding it all together, if I do say so myself.  So I think friendship should be about people who enjoy my company enough to want to spend time with me and who're happy to hang on in there a bit if I'm in a bad place.  My friend who came to stay, for example, asks a lot of questions about details that I don't think of ("where shall I put my cup?  Shall I use this towel or that one?  Shall I put my biscuit on a plate?  Do I need to bring my coat?") and by the third evening my tiredness was overwhelming and I got a bit snappy with her.  I apologised the next day (having had some sleep!) and she said, "Don't worry at all.  I know you were tired and it's been so good to see you, that's what I'll be taking home with me".  That's a true friend; she cares about me enough to put up with me being grumpy and moody from time to time because she knows the situation's tough and she knows it's not my natural state.  Anyway, I'm waffling, but that's what I want going forward, real friendships, through good and bad, not ones that only work if I do all the running about.

And - this is all going to take quite some time to organise.  Much needs doing in the house first, son's programme needs sorting and setting up, health is priority!  I'm not going to run myself into the ground anymore.  I'm going to take my time with it all and I'm not rushing into moving.  I'm going to check the various facilities out in the new area and if they turn out to be of no use, I'll re-think.  If they do look promising, then I want to spend some time getting to know the area a bit so that we don't end up living somewhere without a bus service or surrounded by unpleasantness.  And then I want to spend time finding a nice place, that we can really relax in and call home.  So it's all going to take a while and during that I am going to enjoy living here - there are still nice places to visit and beautiful beaches to enjoy, and some nice people to spend time with, so this is new and improved Tupp telling everyone else they can bloody well wait until I'm ready.  Lol.  What a long essay! xx