Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

Therapist sent timely podcast this morning....
Transcending Our Stories by Eckhart Tolle.  I'm stretching to now after warming muscles up....a new daily routine I'll resist judging; )

I'll respond to your thoughtful post later, Hops. 

Lighter

[lighter]

I'm cathching different things as I listen to Eckhart Tolle's podcast TRANSCENDING OUR STORIES o Essential Teachings.....
it feels like I'm finally hearing what I used to think of as "the secrets" frustrating me beyond my ability to foicus and sit ;quietly to reflect or "meditate" when I tried 16 years ago.  I felt blocked and tricked and unable to get to the meat of the thing.... the essence, the thing behind the mystery.  It was always mystery, no matter how many minutes I focused on it.  Seems funny now, to believe I could pick up concepts quickly, like color theory.

Anyhoo..... Tolle explains how knowing something and wanting to share that knowledge in helpful ways is different than knowing and ALSO holding space to not know everything in the moments one is present with others.  Particularly in the therapeutic realm..... therapists who have no ability to hold space and just listen, without waiting to shove their lessons and knowledge down a client's gullet, despite their ability to hear or receive or NOT feel herded and forced when all they're capable of is being in that space without being told what to do, think or feel, bc they've had a life of it there's a consistent trauma response the T can't or won't pick up on, evevn as they continue to repeat the cycle until they know, without understanding..... that lesson of including spaciousness and knowing whle also not knowing.

I guess I used to think of it as not having expectations in the the therapeutic relationship with my T.... she didn't care if I understood what she was sharing.... she simply accepted I wasn't going to hear her or get that lesson the way she was sharing it....and she'd pivot  which is the benefit of having toolbox filled with ample tools to choose from.

And so.... I think that's what's shifted with my children ....... I have shifted away from what I know and into a space where I'm also holding not knowing....... there's space for not knowing.

Feeeling I have an answer I MUST share feels very constricted and constricting..... it just does.  Waiting to share it feels heavy.

My pulling back and allowing loved ones to deal with their conseuqnces isn't ME giving up on them.  It's me providing the spaciousness to make mistakes and grow through them, which seems so wise NOW, but felt like something else for a very long time.  When Bill died I felt as though I'd be leaving my young child in the street, alone and vulnerable, if I didn't give up myself to ease his suffering in dying.  It was a mistake and I see now, how giving up myself wasn't necessary.  I see how I perceived the situation and my feelings was problematic.

A small example of how my unconscious tends to run in the background....... I walk a lot.  I pick up trash often, but not always, bc sometimes I don't want to touch other people's poop bags OR I don't have a large enough bag to get certain items and will bring a bigger bag and get everything after others have a chance to get what they might have left behind to pick up on their way out of the forest. 

Since I'm experiencing angst in my neighborhood and simply BEING among neighbors I'm dissapointed in, I, for sure picked up trash, as though THIS act would qualify me and my feelings and whatever as worthy for consideration.  Of course, that's not what I believe, but it's running in the background, still..... and I'm figuring out how that's informed  my choices and my concept of self.

It's a thing.

The places where I insert "story" around facts and circumstances are the places where feeling victimized and helpless happens..... dropping story and just allowing facts to speak creates HUGE space and spaciousness I understood, but didn't quite realize held SO much space and spaciousness beyond the relief and POV I've been shown and accessed, up to ths point. 

We're back to my T asking me if I didn't want more than just "feeling better?"  Did I not want to experience joy?  And that's the difference right now in riding habits consistently and tending to them more deeply and with focus....
dropping judgment....
releasing expectation....
embracing self compassion....
embracing radical acceptance without veering off....
these are mechanics, at first.  Just actions practiced like a band of first graders picking up instruments for the first time, but practicing into second and third and fourth grades..... I think.

Music theory appear and becomes known and practiced and honed in on, then expanded with new infomation and more intricate music identified, broken down, learned on one hand, then the other, then slowly pulled together until mastered.  When one goes too fast, they lose the beats between and details.... the things that make that piece of music what it essentially is or was meant to be when created. 

I watched my oldest DD do that with piano.  She regrets setting her goal to fly through her music, fast fast fast, bc she lost the nuance and essence of the pieces.   She sees that .... now.  She doesn't judge herself.... she's just aware. 

I'm gaining enough spaciousness to witness myself navigating my inner world/subconscious/ relationship to essential self.  Pretty cool.

The journey continues.

 
Lighter

[lighter]

It's been tremendously helpful to STOP story telling around everything..... whatever comes up, I can just not engage in what ifs around the situations and people.  It's better. 

As for how I perceive processing trauma..... it all comes down to feeling safe and getting down to it.

Before 2006 I could handle what was on my plate to handle through journaling, 8 hours high impact physcial activity and things like gardening, dancing and socializing...... alone time, when I needed it. 

I see how journaling troubles onto paper, reading it, writing it out again, reading it and writing it out again made it possible to gain distance, SEE the problem sans the stories and energetic charge, so I felt safe enough to process whatever it was and reintegrate my brain to respond and select the best possible choice.  Becoming overwhelmed.... being overwhelmed...... overwhelming others.....people overwhelming/traumatizing little children who have NO coping strategies beyond surviving..... leans me in a very judging direction.  Yes..... I'm leaning judgmentally toward words like.....

I noticed walking in the forest today........ I was wholly focused on the birds, the trees, the new sprouts and shocked to find a Hemlock graveyard I hadn't noticed before.... but was always there.  There's a difference between being present in the moment and NOT present in the moment.  Oh....  the big, freshly fallen pinecones!  And lichen covered bark...... I wish I had a basket.  Might get one and go back out...... there's joy to be had in that forest. The pug didn't bark at the barky dog, biker or hikers we passed.  She was so peaceful to walk with today.  Yes.

I'm at a place where I can play with attention......watch it go..... get it back without judging it.  Let it go. 

Such joy...... such amazing releif.

  At a point, I thought I heard music as new little plants appeared in places I don't typically find them.
 Ferns and TRILLIUM in a fairly largen patch, together on a particular trail.  I only know of one other place, far away on another trail, where the Trillium grow!  So exciting. 

It's been cold here, after sun and heat..... cold again.  Just about to open up the outdoor shower..... thinking of planting more Hemlocks on property lines for privacy, rather than considering a fence..... feels very...... good.  Just yesterday thoughts wondered to  a chain link fence, with tacky green plastic for privacy, even though I KNEW it was a waste of time and not hel;pful at all.... I just let those thoughts roll into a rabbit hole and take me with them.  It was a choice.  Today is better.  My walk was for focusing on to fence or not to fence, frankly.

Going back into the forest with a basket! 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

dropping story and just allowing facts to speak creates HUGE space and spaciousness

This is really interesting/appealing to me, Lighter. I am practically nothing BUT story, and I know there's something about the relentless narrative that so often gets going in my head that starts to feel oppressive.

Thanks for sharing this.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I've been meaning to post on my thoughts on therapy... pretty much how I see therapy going for the rest of my life.

Therapy is for processing things creating dysregulation for me.  I adore my T and enjoy our sessions.... always good to have validation and lessons supported consistently while internalizing them, yup yup yup, but it really hit me last week.....

Therapy is for processing the stuff creating big energetic upset for me, so I can finish them and get on with my life, sans those big feelings.

That's my long and short around T.  It feels really simple and doable. 

It's also a relief to trust BIG feelings are temporary and can be handled with economy of motion, IME. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

This probably bears very little connection (or none!) to what you've written, Lighter, but the poem really spoke to me and seemed to cover so much about inner change. I'm leading a group on the topic of INNER THRESHOLDS tomorrow, so this will be our opening reading. (I'm reputed to pick obscure confusing topics with readings likewise!)

https://www.lyrikline.org/en/poems/ernest-hemingway-and-latest-quake-339

I can just recommend reading it verrrry slowly and not worrying for a SECOND about whether every reference or image makes sense to you. Then read it again, lightly. Whatever connects will connect and whatever doesn't, doesn't matter. Love is a Pass-Fail course and we already pass.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

You gave me homework, Hopsy!

Homework: )

Jotting this down, before I forget....

Observing myself as the observer......
mindfullness disolves te ego.

Background is self....
 foreground is the world. 

Be in the world.... not of the world.

I'll  revisit the poem on my walk, Hops.

IT's GLORIOUS out today!!!

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Everybody gawked at the nearly-impenetrable poem, as ever. What I love about these groups, though, is the love in the air. And although my readings selections drive some bats, they almost always respond wonderfully to my discussion topics. I try to be funny about it and it really is fun to introduce them to new poetry. All said they loved the session (it was my first time leading this group, we rotate.)

Inner Thresholds turned out well. They all shared stories and moments of new perception and change. The biggest challenge as a facilitator, for me, is encouraging them in an uncritical way to NOT spend their "check ins" on reciting two weeks' worth of events and activities, but on the INNER stuff. Meaning, look inward for HOW you are in this present moment and share from there...not just Ididthisorthatorplantodothisorthat. Even though for a covenant group those are good to hear about too, in brief, once we "light the chalice" and enter "sacred space" (I know, corny) the groups' goal is to deepen spiritual growth (also maybe corny) and tune into THAT kind of exploration. For a few, reporting on travel or family or busybusybusy everythings is too magnetic. (So I added, it's not about anything you'd report on social media, but about YOU.) For most though, when invited to focus on the deep self, it works.

[BTW, this ain't about HERE, where to-do's are interesting and good to read about!]

Lastly, I had a meeting with the minister and he asked me to update my 15 y/o lay "sermon" on the environment to give sometime this fall. I'm happy about that as it feels very similar to the oral tradition of poetry. And I get to pick readings for the service, too! LOL.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I read your poem just as you suggested and didn't have any response...... more of a choppy here, there and everywhere plopping of responses, forgetting one after the other. 

::sigh::

I'd love to hear you break it down and tell me what you got out of it and where it lead you. Likely, I'd be enthralled at all you find there.

I laughed when i read your group gawked at the poem.  A lot to take in, for sure.

Bet you're amazing oral poetry/sermon and leading groups to places they'd normally never go, Hops.

Thanks for shining a light down that Latest Quake path. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Reading this short description of him (Les) would be more interesting than reading me trying to break down something that's so mysterious, mystical, etc. I kind of read poetry with my gut over my intellect.

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poets/les-murray

This poem was once published in the L.A. Times. Interesting.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

So the Cowboy neighbor has become delusional...... we used to chat about life, yard tools and mowers, but now he's acting like a little boss man in charge of ordering women around and that looks really crazy to read, I realize.

The thing is....he's actually ordered me not to speak..... ordered me to take off my sunglasses, bc "he feels he's being interrogated" and wants to just talk AT us, me and my sister and likely everyone he's in contact with, and his entire life is falling apart around him, bc he hasn't adjusted to being handicapped, having his wife become the primary breadwinner and him not getting the attention and admiration he had before be became deathly ill and lost an eye and muscles, etc.  It's very sad.

2 nights ago Cowboy called me at 11pm and I didn't answer.  He couldn't get an Uber from his office and wanted to go home, bc it was too cold to sleep on his office sofa.  He finally found a ride and found himself locked out of his home, almost fell, got caught in the rain trying to follow the house around to the backdoor, then had to go back around and bang on the front door till his wife answered. 

The scary thing was.... he was very calm, eyes down, under his cowboy hat, saying things like.....
"whatever they say, I'll do.... I'm lucky to have a wife as good as mine...... they say I'm the problem, so I'll stop talking and just listen.... they want me to go to a therapist, but I think we can handle it in the family....."

It was a seachange from the delusional behavior of pretending to be a big business man (again) which is too pitiful to recount, so I won't, but apparently EVEryONE stepped back from him, bc he's hit rock bottom quickly.  Suffice it to say, he's blaming his friends, family and hourly employees for his position...... which makes him meaner and bossier, which pushes people farther away.  The sweet  twenty something gal he hired for $20 "didn't work out" either.

He took a $250.00 uber the other day and wanted me to leave the forest and bring him a check, which wasn't happening, then hung up on me. 

I'm afraid he'll kill himself OR himself, wife, son and pregnant DIL who live 2 doors away.  The son and DIL didn't show up when the police arrived.  I guess it's difficult to know what to do in those situations.  People want to mind their own business and hope for the best, I guess.

I do know this..... he can't see well or move well at all.  He's fallen recently and hurt his hip.  His balance is getting worse by the day, so
folks have a chance if they bob and weave in that sort of crisis, IMO.  Oh... and he lacks dexterity with his hands. 

Yikes... he'scalling again.  I jumped so high at the ringer.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

That is hard to watch, Lighter. Can you talk to Cowboy's wife? It's got to be hard on her. Sounds like he's having  some trouble adjusting to his new physical reality. So a therapist would be a good idea. A lot of times, people don't realize how their reaction to things like this, affects others. B, does, pretty well. But Mike didn't. I don't think they really intend to "take it out" on others; but they are waaaaay overwhelmed.

It might be time for 24/7 caretaking, but that's another hard to swallow reality. But this is a situation, that you can't really let yourself get sucked into, too deeply. There is family for the hard decisions, but talking to THEM about Cowboy and helping them process the facts, dangers, etc of what they're involved in and what kinds of options are available for them to help manage his difficulties while still living their own lives, might be a worthwhile investment. And then, after that... disconnect yourself as much as possible. Maybe a good time for a trip somewhere?

[Hopalong]

What she said.

He has involved family, who appropriately called authorities for help, and I'm sure this very conversation is going on among them right now.

I can imagine how triggering that is for you, but agree it's not wise to assume the rescuer role. And good for you for not allowing him to draw you in to his emergencies.

Very sad mental health situation that many people face these days in various ways. He doesn't sound capable of family annihilation, however. Nor as though he wants that.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I talked to the wife long enough to understand the basic plan...... she's done putting up with Cowboy's shenanigans and maybe it's only shenanigans.  Maybe it's escalating to something more.  She's certainly concerned and in hiding for her reasons.   

I assume Cowboy is experiencing his dark nights of the soul.  He knows the  right words to say, and he DID say them the day before the cops had to be called.  He's sneaksy..... resisting acceptance, still. The rage of a strong, A type Republican man who collects guns and feels entitled to use them...... in a slight, worn down and handicapped body with very little balance and coordination..... feeling ignored and left behind. Disrespected and dishonored by what used to be a traditional family set up, though his wife always worked, she was the helper.  Now she's the only bread winner, does all the cooking, cleaning and shopping..... TELLS him she's overwhelmed. 

His reaction is to blame the job, which she's gobsmacked by and without intention to slow down or stop.  He's been making little noises about that all along..... I had no idea it was brewing into irrational action on his part. 

Having an opinion around what I think will happen is me telling unhelpful stories, so I won't do that.

::watching a familiar neighbor walk our cul de sac with his two dogs::

He did a double take towards the Cowboy's garage, but things were normal, otherwise.  Is it bad to say I wouldn't have been surprised to hear shots fired in the walker's direction, as he passed?

Over the edge, for the Cowboy, could take so many forms. 

I hope he finds acceptance and relaxes into retirement/receiving care from his family as they're able to give it.  I hope he finds grace and....
acceptance.  Ya.

He so wanted to be "the boss" bossing women around and commanding silence. Today, Sunday, he's boss of his open garage and empty house. 

I will end with this.....
Cowboy hasn't texted or phoned me since our last conversation.  The wife is wherever she's supposed to be.  I ended conversation yesterday with wife after she filled me in on her (lack of) plan and mutual promises not to share what we've discussed. 

I'll touch base with Cowgirl later today.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

What would it feel like to simply back away gently and not check in on them, Lighter?

Or be Cowgirl's confidante?
Or Cowboy's analyst?
Or the culdesac protector?

Or to trust that these intimate situations and even community ones will resolve themselves in time, without you harming your serenity by involving so deeply?

hugs
Hops