Mindfulness and codependence thread

[Hopalong]

Deep dark nights with stars, stillness, peace, warmth and rest to all!

Ho Ho Ho and love,

Hops & Pooch

[lighter]

When I returned from the lake, DD21 was quite upset in many directions and spent several hours telling me about it the next morning.

I know she was an easy child and sees herself as not getting enough, bc her sister had health issues and all the legals.... DD21 just didn't get enough attention and I know that's true.

Once I began researching healthy boundaries and parenting strategies, I began telling the girls they'd figure things out. 
"You'll figure that out, everything will be OK... even if it's not OK.... it will be OK."

That was more the them, rather than me trying to save everyone, bc sending the message they can save themselves is the healthier and saner option.

With regard to DD21's ED, she really felt her sister and I would have let her perish in her room, at a point.  I told her I didn't realize she had the ED and took her to the nutritionist we agreed on, who didn't realize she had one either.  It was never my intention to make her feel abandoned.... I didn't know she felt that way or was ill. 

DD21 also very anxious about DD23 carrying a full load at University without "doing due diligence" first.  DD21 feels working 3 years didn't in any way prepare her sister to go back to school and I understand being concerned, but my default is....
"she'll handle it," which ticks DD21 off all over again. 

This conversation, I experienced several little deaths.... without excuses for why or how anything happened.

I took responsibility for having a tendency toward avoidance, (which I modeled and both girls exhibit, more or less) and accepted I'd failed to keep my children safe during their childhoods.  Oof.  So painful.  Little deaths. 

DD21 went out all night after our tough conversation.  When she came home the next evening, last night, she seemed pretty normal. 
She's dating someone new.... i think I can call it dating.  Theyr'e watching FLEA BAG and Studio Ghibli films and going to Karaoke together.

 I have an appointment with one of those fabricaated bath surround companies this evening, cracked my pbone the day before yesterday (DO NOT PUT THEM ON YOUR BACK POCKETS PEOPLE!)  and received the new one yesterday, but all my passwords are IN the old phone and Ic an't get into it so that's me going back to the phone company to see if they can transfer data from a broken phone. 

I have paperwork to deal with..... and I'm trying to shift how I think about it and just get on.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

About the little deaths...

in some bassackwards way, this is validating your DD's perception; filling up her bucket of trust in herself. For you, it's a very distant perspective on what you lived through and now have changed understandings about that. But at that time - in that present moment - you DID THE BEST YOU KNEW HOW TO DO. Doesn't mean you don't acknowledge that it wasn't perfect; maybe didn't meet DD's needs (or wants); you accept the responsibility.

I find there is something useful in re-facing some of these "accusations" about less than picture perfect mothering for each very unique child. For both Hol & I. But we've spent a lot of time processing all the fine details of that for many years now - and there just isn't much to say or admit or accept anymore about it. It's a boring topic for us to parse.

It's utility, perhaps, is that we're shifting out of the 46 yr old model of our conditioned "roles" and communication and perception of each other & ourselves. (And I can almost hear her disagreeing with me, now... LOL.) But it's freeing in a deep emotional way - disagreeing and allowing each of us our own "interpretation" of those things. It's helping her solidify what I call her "essential self" - integrating the inner child with her adult sensibilities and understanding.

That said, her recent levels of anxiety - and how she deals with it - are making me a little nutz. It's interfering with the mental/emotional space I have for my own stuff. B sees that clearly too. She knows she needs new ways to self-soothe and self-regulate; and I'm content to let her figure that out for herself. Occasionally, I'll suggest something in case she hasn't already thought of it.

Somehow the idea that our "relationships" are always the same has gotten into our consciousnesses. Along with the idea that "someday" after all our work on ourselves, we'll achieve total enlightenment and "perfect" ourselves and our lives. I used to the call the latter "white picket fence syndrome" - the "Leave it to Beaver" impossible picture of life that never existed outside of fiction or dream-fantasies. All these kinds of ideas seem self-limiting and overly restrictive and presumes that all people are exactly the same and that we all SHOULD be.

BLECH! Where's the mystery & adventure in THAT kind of life? Personally, I'm a bit tired of the constant drama around here and just need some boring mundane days so I can hear myself think. I don't need to constantly be involved in OPPs, for them to understand that I care and am here for them. (Rip Van Winkle mentality is WORKING for me!) I'm starting to get the spring energy to get busy "doing" again... but my priorities have been pared down so I don't overwhelm myself.

[Hopalong]

I'm glad your Van Winkle gene is surfacing a bit, Amber, and I bet it's glad to get some air. Cannot hurt you to slow your huge drive to be productive just a little bit.
my priorities have been pared down so I don't overwhelm myself sounds very grounded and healthy to me.

Nobody sez we can't keep learning and priority-changing as we age, eh? Not only CAN we, but we've GOT to, if we want the different yet sweeter joys to take over freed spaces within us as time goes on.

I'm glad you're stepping back and "letting" Hol figure out what she plans to do about getting help with her anxiety and learning new self-soothing behaviors. She can do that. She can seek a therapist if she wants to. She can read stacks of books. She can decide to break up with Steve, or not. She can become her own best friend. (Only took me 70 years...).

Hugs to all-a y'all,
Hops

[Hopalong]

((((Lighter))))),
Sounds like your response to those painful revelations about how DD felt has been honesty, ownership, no deflection, and humility.

That is an AWESOME response to give a hurt child of any age. Imo, she will respect you greatly for it, and after the acute feelings/memories are aired (quick process) and healed (long process), she will know that your character made you a certain kind of mother she can love, forgive, and appreciate for the rest of her life. Maybe not without bumps and shocks, because she's just at that age when serious unpacking is going on, and that's a bumpy ride. But I can imagine a very good long-term outcome.

Those "little deaths" are painful. But your habit of avoidance is also a habit of respecting space and autonomy for your DDs. As you are over and over LESS avoidant of learning/forgiving/protecting yourself, you're also not all wrong in avoiding. Each time you engage with that strong and humble attitude, you give them more space to find their own ways to heal, independent of you without breaking your bonds. Imo, anyway, great example that I'm not.

Amazing how things we do wrongest can eventually become things we do well.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Thanks for the kind words, Hops.  I appreciate you so very much.  I think I could just be there and accept what happened and didn't happen without reacting.... thank God for my dear therapist.  If I'd had a phone, I would have been dialing her up the last 2 days.... it was rough, not gonna lie. 

There was so much catching up and finding numbers I really need.....no time to do much else, besides cook and BE here for the girls.... all 3 of them.   I'm more present, listening, talking less..... just trying to let them know I SEE them...hear them.  I've been making yummy food every day..... today was a Cuban pork shoulder for tacos, nachos and hopefully a batch of tamales, Vietnamese Curry chicken with potatoes and carrots... broccoli on the side.  Last night was Thai Green Curry with velveted chicken... so yummy all of it!  Fresh pots of rice and the day before was beef Pho with the frozen noodles in the pink packaging. The food overlaps so there's choices and happy gatherings in the kitchen.  If I could, I'd make sure we never eat fast food again.

I don't think I'll be able to clear my phone....it's locked and I have one more place to try tomorrow before giving up.... sending it to the insurance company with all my passwords and SO MUCH MORE would be stupid and haunt me,maybe worse. 

Amber.... any ideas for dealing with a locked black screen phone I can't access to set it back to factory settings?  Or how to transfer what's on itt?

On the other hand.... all the lost texts and contacts feels kind of....
freeing.  The yelly neighbor guy's apology texts, proving my side of the story, have dissapeared and I feel nothing about it.  Don;t care anymore.  It's done.  I help my favorite neighbors with their big trash cans, bring them yummy food when I make lots and that's feeling very right.  I see the new baby go by in a carrier, usually on the front of the mum and dad, rarely together.  I wish I was less anxious about them....wish I could be closer to the young mother and more helpful.  Lordy... she reminds me of myself.  A couple summer's ago she said she wants to be like me.. and that just makes it worse, bc my thing was marrying mean (likely gay/bi) boys in denial who try to fit in to their parents' idea of normal.  I know where that leads and I lack the courage and stomach to witness it from close proximity. 

Please Lord let me accept my children, as they are, and not need them to be other.

Lighter

[lighter]

My brother called this morning and we chatted for a while..... he wanted to talk about the way he spoke to me and my sister at Thanksgiving.  He didn't apologize, but expressed desire to explain why and how it happens.  Our Mother and Step Father's actual hoarding traumatized him....and not just him, btw, but he's been deeply affected.  I get it.  There's "collecting" on both sides of the family, actually.  I've posted about it, likely.

The thing is.... we all handle our stuff differently..... and if I spoke to him the way he spoke to me.... I'd be done with our relationship.  I would have dropped all hope of going forward..... those words speak of war and court and splashing the entire family into chaos and dissaray.  Not his actual words, but sort of. 

So sayeth the avoidant sister, lol. 

Our sister goes toe toe with him.... and I shut down, but today he was level and wanted to know if his words were getting through OR was I being silent and quietly offended by him.  I let him know I'm offended when he's disdainful and purposefully offensive... so NO... I wasn't offended and could hear him.  He had and has points..... he does.  We agreed we have a limited time on this earth and we might as well figure this out.  Truthfully.... his words and DD21's recent words have lead to my facing my avoidance.... and that's not a bad thing. 

It's raining really hard again.  I cut around -2- 6 foot tall Hemlocks and treated for wooly adelgid during a slow spot in the rain.  It was easy digging, when I didn't hit rock or roots.  I was breathless much of the time and the pug had a second walk, which wasn't her preference in the went, but there it is. 

I'll go back in the Spring and dig up all the Hemlocks I've treated and dug around.... lost count how many, but I know I'll get tons of excercise.  The urge to stretch and be active keeps popping up.  My muscles like to stretch in the sunshine.  Being active is shifting into new things..... just very done with old ways of being..... maybe done with mourning their loss, as well.  It's apparent and larger than life.... one phase ending and turning into another.

I need to pay attention to this phase before it goes.  I didn't use to know how to pay attention.... just knew a phase would end soon and began mourning before it happened.... not how I want to continue, for sure.

I think I have 4 more Hemlocks to cut around roots and treat..... I think I have just enough wooly adelgid treatment for them.  Funny how things can work out when one relaxes and stops worrying/pushing/neeeeding things to BE done or something they can't ever be, kwim?

Lighter

[lighter]

I thought about my Mother's brother today... he's caretaking my Aunt...his wife.  She's miserable and can hardly walk and is pretty much bedridden and worried about how clean or not clean her house is.... so she doesn't want us visiting, but my Uncle won't be here forever.

I'm calling him again, soon, and going to see him.  My Aunt left the house and went to my Cousin's during our last visit..... she wasn't happy about it either.

She made it clear she doesn't want to hear from us, in any way, and I've made peace with that.

Lighter

[lighter]

While I was at the lake the girls were having troube with a tree limb breaking a back windshield, losing keys (typically; that DD loses NOTHING and is super responsible wth all her belongings) but there's been some upheaval leading ot upset for her over a new man she's seeing.... adorable, great sense of humor and DD really has fun with him, which is where the upset is coming from......
there's people who don't like the idea of her dating this cutie guy (or any guy for that matter.)

A trusted "friend's" brain broke and he started fabricating easily disproved lies about the guy DD is dating. 

To make things worse, this is someone DD considered a father figure (FF) which adds a lot more upset for her. DD is trying to form a response.  It's not good, bc they run in the same friend group and likely will create trouble...can't be avoided, IME.  It's very sad women are expected to absorb trauma so they, and the entire social group, aren't punished and traumatized over and over again. Hate that, I do.

We've been enjoying a big puzzle together.  DD doesn't need anyone telling her what to do and plenty of people are.  We played the movie SOMETHING ABOUT MARY in the background over breakfast and it was funny, bc it's SO similar to her experience right now.  It was eggs bennies with bacon and ham... the bacon was better.  Much discussion over having new guy over for brunch... he can make real hollondais, bc he cares, and we're looking forward to it.  It's so refreshing when everyone in the room shares similar sences of humor... or has one, even.

I really like the Magda character in SAM movie.

For dinner, we enjoyed potstickers wrapped in crunchy lettuce leafs with sweet chili sauce, lime and herbs for dinner.... yummy.  I grabbed a bottle of wine from the fridge bc it's been sitting in the way for a week... won't get any fresher and DDs not  cooking aything with wine lately.  Leftover blueberries and apple went into the glass too.  I'm breathing into this moment, enjoying every bite and sip as I recover from a sneaky hate spiral over surprise sub freezing temperatures on today's walks.  I've been leaning into Spring and the warm sunny days I didn't think would end.  Darn.

The pug's been patient and calm lately.  She's in her bed, gently snore next to me now. 

Lots of limbs down in the neighborhood.  I think tree guys could stay busy for a month with all the old trees I rarely see get attention around here.  I usually hire someone before I go away for a while, out of fear and anxiety over leaving girls to their own devices for weeks at a time.  I think it's time to call the tree guys again. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

How did I miss this? Feels like we went into our caves again and I guess I did too.

Very sorry to hear about DD's friend and the toxicity of your "good friend" who made up stuff about him. What motivated "GF", do you think? Father figure, my butt.

My life has been overbooked, so I'm learning to limit scheduling to one appointment thing/day, rarely two. Slow, gentle, with lots of solitude has been working well for me. But when I can get enough sleep I'm dragging myself out, and usually enjoy people when I do.

This weather is lovely but so so so sad. It's hard to take pleasure in it when you know what it means.

I hope you and the DDs are well and yes, taking pleasure in everything possible.

hugs
Hops

PS I was scrolling through past posts to see if I'd miss anything, and during my self-fixation a month ago I totally blew past your mention of being on the ground spitting teeth, metaphorically. What was that about, if you want to share? Sorry I missed it and hope it's resolved, but didn't sound good.

[lighter]

Hi, Hops:

If I'm getting right to the matter at hand, training myself out of avoidant coping strategies is at the root of my recent upheavals.

DD21 is dealing with the reality of men behaving like vindictive 4yos when thwarted.... and that's just how it goes, no matter how she moves through the world.  As long as she's lovely and witty and funny and makes people in her orbit feeeeeeel wonderful.... they're going to lay claim, lash out, lie and behave badly "out of the blue" seemingly.  I've explaine this to her and she's finding out... people say things... sometimes the exact opposite of their truth, and one can't assume everyone is a truth teller, bc they certainly are not.

  It's so sad to watch.  I wonder what kind of boundaries and walls she'll put up, if any.  IME, this is the kind of experience leading to big change and DD isn't confused about it. She understands precisely how it went down and I hope she responds and becomes more proactive and wise while remaining open.

Changing subjects.... yesterday I realized I forgot I threw a punch at Yelly Guy Neighbor.  I noticed I had no urge to speak about him at all when a neighbor talked about his father's withdrawal from all neighbors.  I simply saw the father's POV. 

The next day I wondered why I still avoided Yelly Guy, bc I'd walked calmly out of his path the other day without any emotional charge at all.  There was zero upset for me and walking around him was more habit than anything else, I realized.  THEN I remembered I'd thrown a punch.
At his face.
Meant to knock him tf out and then couldn't remember which punch I'd thrown..... DD21 said it was a R chin jab, which was a very good choice if I do say so, myself.  I wouldn't have broken my hand.... and that would have come in handy had I just clipped him and made him mad, kwim?  Jeez..... I know it was upsetting at the time, but it's just gone.

That I can't remember it speaks to processing it completely out of my limbic system and into historic files... gone.  POOF.  Like magic. 

That's how things are heading and have been heading..... amazing, really.

I'll try to remember to set that intention daily...... to accept and process what I can't change and couldn't process before.

Yup yup yup.

[lighter]

So, retired nurse had a pallet of wood chips delivered almost a week ago.  Her dd and a grandson were helping yesterday....they drove over water lines with a car full of mulch bags.  Hmmm.  Hope that doesn't become a problem.

The little d on my shoulder is taking notes of all the work I no longer help retired nurse with.  It used to be compulsive.  My sister still jumps to help, as did I, but for the hand I put on her shoulder and reminder....we don't do that anymore.  Consequences aren't just for us, turns out.

I enjoy doing the help I still provide (pick up sticks/branches during walks, handle the shared creek weed eating and clean out). I feel really good about this, even if she's praising Yelly Guy for the work.....no idea if he's taking credit.  Do not care, but she never mentions it so assuming she thinks YGN does it. 
The balance is restored when I remember  the cuttings I take from her huge Hydrangea......she tried to say NO last year with the excuse she was "giving them to her DIL.".

Ridiculous, of course.  The plant grows outside her little homemade cage every year and would be 20 feet across and against her house if left to itself.  It reminded me of her "excuse" to stop using Preen.....
"I've decided I don't like the color of moss anymore.". It's green, same as the weeds and spits of grass she's promoting. 

Do people not hear the stupid things coming out of their mouths?  Can they not hear it?

Yelly Guy Neighbor stopped helping her with yard work long ago, but continues cutting through her yard.  He's walked by those bags of mulch again and again and again.... without touching them.   

Just doing my thing in my yard, sans any discussion with her, feels like clean clear river water rinsing away years of dust....and thirst.  Just.....gone.

Cowgirl knocked on my door with a big red heart'o candy on Valentine's Day.  She feels bad about the buddy fockery, but I have no patience or care and I told her plainl last year.  She made her choice and peace settled over me like a warm head to toe, tucked into my gut, blanket.  My acceptance doesn't sit well with her need to be liked and seen as "nice."  Her struggle is familiar and reminds to be mindful of stripping it from my software daily. 

More cool clean water....less dust.

Boundaries.
Holding them. 

Hold....
Hold....
and it's over.

Yes.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Bravo!

Maybe you have an unusual but effective boundaries method.
You don't have them at first and get over-involved, and then you have a warrior boundary moment and establish new ones, but you still check over your shoulder about them holding, and they do because you did it so thoroughly, but the ghosts of absent boundaries past still niggle you a bit.

Is that way off? I think you're doing great. And, that it's not easy.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I don't see it quite like that, Hops.

But I DO feel the cool clear water and absense of dust.

I also feel the amazing fellowship in providing meals to the elderly couple struggling next door.  They're the shining light in my experience with neigbors..... and it's their presense and good will I'm drawn to.  Helping them.... is also a draw..... similar to the Cowboys, but different, bc Yelly Guy's absense from the situation. 

I don't know how to keep toxic people from tainting things.... that's clear enought by now.

I DO know how to shut off and shut out toxic people once they show me who they are..... and that's a simple ON/OFF switch in my gut.  Once it's flipped.... I'm done. 

I'm pcking up fewer sticks in Retired Nurse's yard..... have put off mowing the back and her part of the creek bank...... decided 'm undecided about helping her with her side at all and then there's this pull to have one final conversation to clarify her choices BEFORE that decision is finalized. 

The musicual instrument maker, who's married to the doctor, noted how well my recent choices have "delineated" between the Nurse's and my yard.  Nurse's weeds, moss and a few patches of grass on one side of a line of rather large stones with fallen leaves on my side with a recently planted line of Hemlocks running along the propertly line (planted without discussion, mind you.) Nurse didn't even ask a question. Ya.... I'm done.  Maybe I don't need clarification.

Lighter

[lighter]

The instrument maker is waiting on measurements and the bunk bed ladder before making a foot friendly ladder to replace it.

If I didn't say before, tails in the woods have sprouted little fairy houses all over the place..... and people leave fairies and gnomes and shells and dolls and little doll pots and utensils..... and crystals.

A neighbor has 4 little girls..... all age 6yo and younger.  The oldest 3 love the fairy houses.... the 4th is maybe 9mo. They live close enough the girls can run over, which had my sister and I cleaning off the porch to make room for an old enameled farm table and chairs as workspace. 

Having worked on a new fairy village with the  girls and the pug informed me..... I need a better plan.  Ya, the pug DID lick the snot trail off the 3yo's face, which was a relief, but baby girl pug's been eating trail poop, so completely unacceptable.  I don't have enough hands or eyes to handle all that at once.

Lighter