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Farm Doin's - 2020

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sKePTiKal:
Sheesh. Not just double-bind, but multiple bindings... changing with the breeze: go in this direction - why'd you do that? - this idea seems oddly too "formal" - why can't we just talk and be casual? (Because it's not acknowledged, heard & acted upon, that's why) - why don't we have a simple agreement? ('Coz it's not a simple situation)

Throw into the mix, that Hol has a childhood memory percolating up (from time w/Dad) that's been giving her nightmares. And it burst forth a couple nights ago; her way of making something conscious and starting to deal with it involves spewing it out among people she trusts. So, nothing overt - just icky, as far as she's concerned. But there is a question in her mind, where her sister was during that episode. Other men, around. Right now, the people she trusts are me & John. She is also clearly engaging in a co-dependent relationship - all the classic symptoms are showing - with Steve.

I think I'm neglecting Buck a little bit, just trying to not get so dizzy I'm throwing up. He did post a funny meme that's appropos... "One of the chains on my mood swing broke; RUN". Between Hol's hormone storms (she just got first period after miscarrying), the tension around here because my way of dealing with a group of people isn't "evolved" enough for the enlightened youngens... (rules? we don't need no stinkin' rules...) I'm not sure if I'm coming or going lately. Makes no nevermind, that while I'm validating her choices - she doesn't want to allow me mine.

And it all rolls into that co-dependency situation. One of her dreams specifically had Steve saying exactly one of the very hurtful things Bovie had said about her - and me, for that matter. Trying to control Hol. And she's going out of her way to "protect him", cover for him, be an intermediary - or "ambassador" - trying to smooth things over... so HE doesn't have to be responsible or engage or face the music about why the only "conversation" he can have with people around him is limited to short phrases or one word answers.

I had a chance to actually talk to - be heard by - Hol while she was relating her memories and feelings. We dredged up some ancient family history and compared notes, filling in gaps of knowledge for each other to get a better picture of what was going on. In the process, I was able to get a couple openings into the Steve subject going. Did she tell S any of this? (no, I didn't want to upset him; I need to protect him) Well, don't you think you want to be able to discuss and share things like this in a true, intimate relationship? Isn't that kind of what "relationship" is?

Between her inflated ego (to cover her self-doubts) and the denial of co-dependence - I straight up mentioned the basics of it the other day... and her rising anxiety level due to multiple very important things coming up: trial date, and likely jail time for DUI; consultation with OB-GYN on testing to try to figure out if she can get pregnant; moving back to B'more for a couple months to work on this series pilot production; and the Holly Hut going into the finishing stages... oh, and irrational fears about Buck - that she simply can't take my trust in him, at face value, until she develops her own.

I only have a couple weeks to have this family meeting before all this next round of change happens. The timing is massively important. Because if the kids come back from B'more and this isn't settled... it's just going to be more of the same crap. She has said she'll consider finding a T to deal with Dad memories AFTER the film project is done. LOL... she said she felt like she'd be wasting T's time, to actually tell the whole story it was so long... and I had to remind her how eloquent, erudite, and yes, sometimes verbose she's become since being a silent 3 yr old with massive temper tantrums. I've had to remind her how formidable she and I are together when we're not opposing each other.  And how stupidly stubborn we both are when we DO face off.

So, I don't exactly KNOW anything for sure right now. Not even sure that "ownership" of property gives me the right to set out some basic expectations for participation in work; and personal tidiness habits, etc.

But then, Hol shocked me by saying she was concerned that I didn't seem interested in HAVING a relationship with Steve. Hey, he's HER sweetie - not mine. I don't even have to LIKE him. It seems funny (odd) to me, to expect us to want to have a relationship. I'm going to settle for a "working relationship" - because I'm pretty sure he's using Hol and reinforcing her co-dependent patterns. And hope that the signs I see of him being a "love 'em & leave 'em" become apparent so Hol can decide if she's going to put with that or not.

Yeah, I'm walking a real fine line here.

Next week, Hol & I will go to art show opening for Matthew -- former house guest, and a pony farm birthday party for 7 yr old Harper -- Hol's personality double. LOL.

lighter:
CB:

I'm so grateful you're here.  I needed to hear and wanted to say so many things in your post. 

Much of it resonated for me.

Well said.
Lighter

Hopalong:
Amen, and me too.

Obviously mine is a crap example, but if I WERE in an active relationship with an adult daughter with whom I couldn't relate in serenity...I'd work most on releasing her to her independence and own choices and consequences, and stop seeing myself as being in charge of shrinking or analyzing her or steering her this way or that.

It's a weird thing, to step back from enmeshment. But it's so right, in the life cycle.

It's really good news that a T is on Hol's horizon, imo. And of course it won't be only about her Dad...it is natural that her private therapy experience will be about you too. And that's okay. It's good for her to do her own work of individuating from not just bad memories of him, but from current toxic patterns with you. And it's sacred that you not ask her about it, or try to relitigate anything she reports learning. (I'd even suggest gently but clearly shutting down such conversations by expressing respect for a boundary of privacy around therapy that you both need to respect.) That wouldn't be fair to you OR her. This is one great way she can begin to draw her own boundaries and learn how to back off, which will relieve you both, I hope. (In a way you need to do the exact same thing...you both need the same boundary understandings.)

Meanwhile, if you re-enter your own life and your own dreams that don't involve over-custody of a grown 40-y/o adult person, no matter how much you love her or assign yourself unfitting responsibility for her....you will be happier. I believe so anyway.

Sending hope that you become truly able to release her to the universe, which will make space for new love and involvement (hello, B!) into your own adult life.

Big hugs,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
The reason Hol is here, isn't because I wanted to have a close relationship with her. I fully expected she would be away much of the year - working on various film projects. It's because a long-term relationship ended about the same as her work dried up... and she had no where to go and nothing to do with herself, until a new production got started.

From there, before there was a boyfriend too, she talked about needing a headquarters; her own place that no matter what was going on in her life, she could "fall back to". That was how we arrived at the idea of the Hut. She didn't want to buy something in the city; didn't want to live in the city anymore.

I've known she can be difficult for a long time. (And she comes by that honestly; our "issues" are pretty close - and we are slowly working through those.) She's even been with a T before. This last couple days, we've been able to actually talk to - and hear each other. Even if the subject matter is difficult. It's OK; I kept my hand busy in the studio. And she's now in the middle of a quilt. One of those conversations with some long silences in between as we pulled back into our own thoughts for a bit, before re-engaging.

As much as is on her plate presently, the only feasible option is to wait on T, till after the pilot is shot. And you BETCHA it's going to be nice to be alone for a couple months.

As far as the enmeshment goes, Hops - I've been trying to mind those boundaries. But that is apparently contrary to what she wants; what she's asking for. And therein lies the problem. Because I'm resisting engaging in that kind of activity - she's imagining all kinds of evil intent/judgement on my part about her, gets angry with me, and feels free to verbally/emotionally attack me. And I'm well aware that this limits my ability to get her to recognize the co-dependent patterns she's desirous of right now. Steve on the other hand - is validating and encouraging it.

Sigh. And I don't think he's a BAD person. He's impossible for anyone except Hol to interact with - because he is simply silent. For whatever reason - he doesn't feel obliged to even talk about what he's planning to do on any given day; sometimes not even with Holly. He doesn't even respond to direct questions from John; or me... except with one word or short phrases. It seems calculated to make people go away and leave him alone. As in, he can't be bothered to make conversation because the person isn't at all important in his world.

However - he is Holly's choice, so what I can do/say - or expect of him without running afoul of her protective instincts? Right? Every small, ordinary thing I ask is met with an outsized defensive attack. And yet - other people, the other "house guests" simply automatically know to help out around here. They are considerate of my space, me, and my needs. He doesn't even tidy up after himself in the kitchen; just gets up and leaves trash, food mess, dishes where ever. Drags dishes out into the woods and walks away forgetting about them. ???? WTF IS that? I don't even know; but one doesn't do that with other people's things in MY world.

Therefore the "charter". How we can treat each other to avoid conflict and misunderstanding and hurt feelings. A process for planning that allows for freedom of choices - but doesn't tweak my feelings of being steamrolled by people who don't care. SIGH... and I'm not sure I'm talented enough with words to do this in a way that doesn't sound like an edict from "management". LOL.

If I can get Steve to understand that he has to include me in his world - because he's living at my place; and even the Hut is still legally mine until I'm dust - so that I know what to expect in the way of projects in their space... then I have a basis that I know about him. Right now - after a year here - he is a completely unknown entity to me. And if Hol was honest, he is still an enigma to her too.

But she's willing to go to extreme lengths of tolerance, suspension of her needs, to keep this relationship. I know better than to even suggest there is a problem with this. But I KNOW there is a problem with this.

CB, getting my passport renewed is on the list. Buck and I have daydreamed about going some places he's been before.

Hopalong:
I am so sorry, Amber.
It truly makes me sad to see your dreams of retreat under siege.

I think Hol could return to her independent life and continue T and growing up and visiting the mountain sometimes with notice; meanwhile you could have a great Air B&B with the hut.

It was such an optimistic dream and a lovely one, but she doesn't seem mature enough to help it happen. And inconsiderate hangers-on....selfish entourage. Damn.

It does sound as though Steve does not want a relationship with you. One can't compel compatibility. But you sure as heck shouldn't have to play Mommy to these adults. Dirty dishes? Are you kidding? Ugh. Yet "laying down the law" is probably the only thing you CAN do. They're not going to suddenly embrace family/compound meetings or be inspired by charters if they already behave this way now.

"When people show you who they are, believe them."

As to dishes etc...I worry that "rules" are made to be broken by entitled younguns. I don't know how that attitude goes away without somebody saying No and meaning it.

You are doing the very best you can; I worry about the cost to you of all this stress.

Huge hugs,
Hops

PS Just heard a great quote from a T about relationships: "Honor the wish; accept the reality."

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