Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Farm Doin's - 2020
sKePTiKal:
My head is not in a happy place. I recognize this as a totally stressed out space.
No more has been said between Hol and I on the topic at hand, since last week. So I've just been feeling all the swirling yuck in my own head. Not even Buck can get through and have an effect - and I'm pretty sure he feels that. Even if I don't want that...
Hol and I have chatted about misc stuff; I saw a design for leather along the lines of what she makes I thought she'd be interested in. Progress at the hut. Talked w/contractor yesterday since without any notice whatsoever... his guy started digging out at my shale pit without any coordination with me. Too close to the property line for comfort. And the utility right of way. But it's pretty clear there's some new distance between Hol & I. And that my fuse has been lit; but so far the explosion has been contained.
Which is why I feel so crappy. I'm doing that every moment of every day... because she's off busting her butt to finish up this project & make her new nest and get moved out to give me my space back and start figuring out how we coordinate after that... while S lollygags, wanders around, and snacks and naps all day long. I feel like the whole "request" to dis-invite Buck from coming here was a huge ungrateful, betraying slap in my face. Couple that, with the implied criticism of my judgement, perception, and ability to take care of myself...
and while it's all a mountainload of bullshit, it's pressing me down. The old 16-ton anvil or stinky turkey buzzard again. It's the kind of thing where if I spilled something, I might just break down in tears kind of deal. Like I can't do anything right; and everything I say, do, be, am - is somehow "wrong".
All because someone ELSE sees things differently and thinks they're "right". Maybe for them, they're right. But not for me. They can't make those decisions for me; not my "caretaker" or parent; I'm not being some romantically blinded naive little girl or desperately lonely widow here. As is documented here - I've handled my questions, doubts, concerns in a responsible fashion.
Yesterday, the guy installing my flooring called to tell me when they're delivering the wood and doing the install, so I'm going to try to finish the stone before then. Then over the weekend, I start dismantling/moving my bedroom so they can pull up the carpet and lay the hardwood. Hol is going to be moving at the same time but she said she'd help. So I'll be trimming stone veneer with a tile saw today; joy joy. I need to get my head on a little more balanced than this before I dive into that. Power tools, yeesh.
But it might look like progress in my 'hide out" space which is about the only place left in my house I feel comfortable in and that someone doesn't feel entitled to leave his messes. I need to shop for a big rug for the bedroom too. I feel a splurge coming up........ maybe..... if I can find something more classic and not so "trendy".
OH... and it's apparent one of them was sleeping in the other guest room. I'm guessing Hol from the beeline to the coffee pot.
Hopalong:
Oh, (((((Amber))))).
I can so imagine how painful this has been:
I feel like the whole "request" to dis-invite Buck from coming here was a huge ungrateful, betraying slap in my face. Couple that, with the implied criticism of my judgement, perception, and ability to take care of myself...
It's no wonder there's new distance between you and Hol. As horrible and strange as it must feel, perhaps in some way that feels "wrong" it's also "right." Intense closeness and too much analytics between parent and child can so backfire. I know my D (which isn't fully parallel but maybe in some small way) went nuclear and extreme to finally individuate herself, and in hindsight, I saw how much too involved and enmeshed I was...and how out of desperate anxiety over her well being as the bipolar deepened I advised too much, analysed too much, talked too much, and so forth. And in the long run none of my "helpful" wisdom saved her. Her being fully in charge of her own destiny hit me in the face like a dead fish, and I know her life is an enormous struggle to survive. Character wise, as I experienced how she'd treat me, and to me her entitlement and cruelty were huge disappointments and also my fault--I felt responsible for everything. I kept forgetting that she'd had TWO parents, and the influences that created her were partly me but also many others, including genes she could not help. She found and claimed her own highway and she is on it. Sometimes painful things happen in families no matter WHAT one's good intentions are.
I forgave her long back and forgive myself too, but I've never been through a more painful reckoning. You and Hol are very different people and I'm NOT thinking total estrangement will happen to you. But that is why (hope this isn't just pure projection, so take it all with a shaker of salt) I think a bit more distance between you would perhaps be healthy. When a child is one's biggest focus and biggest "project", stuff warps. Adult distancing and practicing regular boundaries keep things the right shape or help them re-shape into a more viable form.
You love her so much and your mountain compound dream has been full of love and energy and creativity. It may still turn out that way, or it may become a simpler "live near" kind of thing. A grandchild might still come along, or new friendships with people who live nearby, who can come out to visit post-covid and sit on the porch with you or you and Buck and talk and be your present friends. Your peers. I wish that for you.
Be good to yourself. You are not just building a rock wall, you're climbing one. One step at a time, keeping your balance, and trying to enjoy the climb itself...that's just about where you are.
Something I was perversely glad to read was you acknowledging how very much it has HURT, bringing you to tears. You sound always so knowledgeable and competent and in control and directing and planning...all of which is TRUE about you. But you seldom portray your vulnerable side, the simple hurt of being mistreated or misunderstood. Much less by the person you love most in this world.
I know what happened with Hol would really hurt my heart in your shoes. And I'm glad you're not suppressing that. You will heal and there's every chance you and Hol will eventually find new tracks individually that will result in your relationship working a lot better. But I don't think you can MAKE it happen. Once she is deeply into her own growing up, say in a few years maybe? (sorry!) she'll have more insight and maturity than she does now. Getting T will help and doing it entirely independently of you and not processing it with you would help even more. Girl's got to grow up.
I think a parent acknowledging their actual helplessness to steer their children's lives after a certain point (surely, age 40 is that point) -- releasing the outcome, is the only power we have left. Letting them go. Even in the most functional families, letting go is a gift. But it huuuuuuurts. It's a muscle we didn't know we had to use.
Oddly, that pain can lead to peace. Even relief.
Meanwhile, you and B deserve your own time, your own shared spaces, your own private happiness that is literally NO one's business but yours. I hope you won't discuss your relationship with B with Hol. I hope you will just live it.
And if she ever begins to comment on it again, I would Shut That Door firmly. More importantly, not open it in the first place. She'll share it with S or others in her entourage and it's not private and she is not your friend, she is your child. Likewise, if you can keep your talking about Hol to B as simple as you can for the sake of you both. He'll understand that bruise and be tender with it. But you don't want it to dominate your new beginning together.
Best of all, imo, would be whether or not Hol chooses to find a T, that YOU do. For yourself.
You've been through enough on your own.
hugs and comfort,
Hops
lighter:
Amber:
You care what Hol thinks, so it feeeels really bad when she's suffering and distanced from you, but this isn't the end of your relationship with her. There will be endings..... Hol will move out of your house and into the hut. S and Hol may break up. B will join your little farm and Hol will forge whatever relationship she'll have with him....... I trust they'll work that out. I think you should to.
I don't know that you care what S believes.... I doubt you care much, but it's a slap in the face, and that's disconcerting as hell, IME. Not shattering, but...... sets the world topsy turvy for a while. Till things come clear, and they will, IME.
Breathe.....
focus on self care.
Let Hol do her own breathing and pondering on things. This sleeping apart, S shirking work while Hol and you struggle to get things done...... Hol FEEEELS everything S does and doesn't do...... deeply, I'm sure. I think she's feeling quite a lot of shame and humiliation, to be honest. I think both your fuses are lit. Just keep sending the message you know she'll handle what's on her plate, bc you believe in her. Leave her to it. Tend your own plate, as you seem to be doing.
I'm already looking down the road to when you, Hol and B are stretching your relationship legs on the farm together. It feels like you'll all 3 find your wind and hit your strides.
S' opinions aren't important. Don't allow him to take up valuable real estate in your head, Amber. There are so many more worthy people and things to think about.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
I think the "distance" I notice - is simply me detaching. The conversation between Hol & I the day after the "slap in the face" cleared things up between her and I. I am intentionally not following up on that; waiting for her to do her own processing. And we both play those cards close to the chest until we're sure we know what we're talking about. Hol and I have TALKED; about other things... and still have the dynamic we always had. So we're not closed to each other.
She will decide what to do about S in her own time; on her own. If B & I are respectful of that process, all we ask is that others be respectful of ours. Who knows? Once he's really HERE, we might decide it's not going to work. That is a built-in "escape clause" in our plan - with no hard feelings. He's even willing to do whatever is legally comfortable in this instance.
S can't say that. And ya know? That's now HIS problem. I don't have to explain, justify, or compare. S is NOT MY PROBLEM. And that is how I'm detaching. I also don't have to do any more than I've promised Hol, either. I know she is immensely grateful and appreciative; and I know how uncomfortable she was being put between S's "needs" and my wants. I think I still come out ahead on the comparison of "perceptions" too - because I did second guess myself for most of a year; I made the effort and paid the fees to investigate if B's story checked out. Hol did not; I won't compare. We chose different paths for different reasons - and she has to deal with hers. That was made abundantly clear to her the day after the confrontation.
I didn't take his head off; I didn't dismiss him or laugh at his concerns. I simply argued my case. I was angry that I had to do that -- AGAIN. After all I've done to protect myself - and them - from getting involved with someone with ulterior motives. As if I'd just give up; give in. LOLOLOL. She knows better and even said it out loud in front of him - that I would do what I thought in my best interests, regardless. Yep; she knows Mom. She will eventually come around to seeing B without suspicious glasses on. Or she won't. But she's not going to have to defend herself from him, so that kinda counts for something. He's going to make her life easier, since he takes it on himself to do what needs doing - even preventatively. This is something TIME will clear up.
I have the clear advantage of having known him years longer than she has. And this decision about him moving started being seriously entertained years ago. She wasn't privy to that; she wasn't even around; as I told her: I haven't shared everything with you. B's D was getting ready to enter HS, when the invitation to visit was made. Now she's off to college. The "due diligence" aspect has been satisfied. All I'm focused on is the interpersonal stuff at this point; whether we're compatible ENOUGH; whether those deep expectations will pan out from the flirty promises. And there's real life, too - we're older folks; not in terrible health given how hard we've both lived. Things happen externally to all of us, that require adaptation and adjustment.
Since I'm leaving the issue be and not "saying" any else about it for now... it gives Hol a chance to process the underlying emotional stuff. I have full confidence she will - as it suits her. I don't have to like her conclusions. But it doesn't mean that we can't both live our lives fully within the context of making the place work and be what it can be.
I hope S is taking notes. <insert evil grin> My idea of "evolved" is light years past his; and I came by it the hard way. I didn't just read or watch a youtube about it. Hol is his - to keep or lose - as it manifests. And I'm a LOT easier going than she is.
Hopalong:
Not because I'm doubting she has one, but because I've never heard much about her vision:
--- Quote ---But it doesn't mean that we can't both live our lives fully within the context of making the place work and be what it can be.
--- End quote ---
Is "making the place work" the same vision of the mountain for Hol as for you? I've heard about her doing some leather work there, and wishing to have a child, but not much more. Is she all in on the family compound/business/enterprise dream herself? Or is it more about a cool place to live and invite friends to, near you, and with space for her creative work?
I am trying to comprehend whether you're on the same page, or close enough. Sounds as though Buck's very ready to become part of your vision.
I would imagine you have thought it through and far ahead in a lot of detail, so am just wondering what Hol's dream is. What she'd like the shape of her life to be. I hope she is on board because that would be easier for you. Making films in big cities is pretty different from a cooperative bucolic arts compound, oui? Then again, maybe the bucolic arts compound is just as you said, a perfect place for her to retreat to. (And making films is a pretty team-based kind of career so it actually might fit really well once the rest smoothes out. I hope it restarts for her soon.)
hugs,
Hops
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version