Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Farm Doin's - 2020
lighter:
Well, Amber.... I hope you can withdraw with love from Hol's process.... but maybe shine a little light on what appears to be a pattern for her in relationships?
One of my girls has labeled it a "daddy issue" and SEES it for herself, and in her last relationship, which apparently she's still tethered to by internet... in case he changes. In other words, it's over, BUT if he manages to make huge change (unlikely) she'd date him again.
It looks like dd hasn't finished all the lessons there yet. I'm amazed and happy she's SEEING it as childhood trauma issues popping up... needing work.... getting attention. She has distance on it I never had at that age, for sure.
From here..... I so want to tell Hol to consider looking over her history..... asking her if it has any meanting THEN telling her to let you know how things work out for her....and drop it. Go back to what you've been doing.... editing, curating and considering what a comfortable life, for yourself and B, will look and feel like. On the feet. On the eyes... the way you feel when you occupy your space.
I noticed you shift from Hol BACK to yourself, B and your space... to the future... to B's ongoing struggle with the healthcare system and perhaps legal battles, and whatever comes next for him and his health.
I also think it's time you put a deadline for being OUT of your house and IN the hut, for Hol and the boy. Your post felt like Hol is determining that, stretching out the date, for whatever reason.... her comfort, perhaps. I don't think she needs more comfort... as you said...you're done being her sounding board to enable her to keep repeating mistakes and stay in untenable situations.
Maybe shifting her INTO the hut, sooner than later, will help her shift out of her old habits.... just squeaking by and hanging on to something that's not going to work, OR needs a strong kick in the rear to improve, or not improve.
I'm all about economy of motion, and you have a house to prepare for the new life you're launching.
It's difficult for me to imagine you putting up with the boy's ongoing messiness, and Ho's stuff all over the place..... even for one minute longer than necessary. HOL can put up with her stuff all over her place, and the boy's mess , without involving you. Why should you suffer too?
Something to think about, and it doesn't have to be delivered with drama... it can be a very calm boundary. It can be a very good lesson on HOW to be assertive AND kind, but firm.
I have the feeling Hol will deploy these very useful tools for herself.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
You ladies are getting a good handle on the actual situation, as I'm seeing it anyway. Clarification is needed on one point: because the CONTRACTOR over-extended himself, there are more & more delays about getting to final inspection point and occupancy permit. Camping down there when no one is around is one thing - but technically speaking, they aren't s'posed to MOVE IN, yet. That said - Hol said if there's no one here this week from the contractor crew (plumber is here today) - then SHE & S will start hanging doors. She is very TIRED of waiting and all the excuses for why he has to keep other customers happy when at most - two days work for a 3-4 man crew and they'd be done. (Except for negotiated things on the exterior.)
She just said next week she's going to bring everything here from the storage unit - DONE OR NOT; it's just one trailer load with my jeep. Then, she will work on all of the stuff - including projects she's taking on for herself. And the contractor will have to work around her. Occupancy permit or NO. I've had a conversation with the contractor too. And made it abundantly, unequivacably, passionately clear that it was past time for them to move out of my house.
What she CAN'T do - while there is necessary work to be done - is just sit down there & relax. Which is what S is doing. Basically to avoid being around me. I understand that.
Yes I'm detaching in as many places/ways as I can see where it is the right thing to do. Yes I'm shifting to looking forward - first to that time alone to reclaim my space as who I am now, after 4 years here; 2 of which integrated Hol, then S, into the picture. Then, to Buck. We have already talked at length about patterns in relationships and even explored past history with her Dad to an exhaustive degree. (Funny; those sectors on my neural hard drive seem to have been erased almost completely... LOL. GUESS WHY? I know only that it adversely triggered the previous trauma; not how or why - and it's not important now.) I've shared my own experience and what I know from conversations with people who have been through this kind of thing... what I've learned in T and relearned in real life. It's up to her now. She can check in; can ask questions; can discuss things pretty intuitively and eruditely... and we can own up to our own personal differences, knowing there's no one "perfect way to be" that fits everyone... and discuss those too. Without it being taken personally; as a criticism or "should".
We've both learned a lot from each other. Tried on bits & pieces of the other's personality for "fit". Usually what's borrowed is given back - but an adaptation is gradually made in both our understandings and standard protocols. There's been joint evolution going on - in our individual work too. And it doesn't mean we have a strictly cerebral relationship; there is STILL a lot of essential warmth and reciprocal "giving" going on - even when we disagree on some things.
There is still that little emotional "tug" though... about her moving on to a new phase - despite her not wanting to be in my way (or A&B's way) and me eager to have to my space back. It's totally irrational; totally emotional. Because she can be here or me there in 5 minutes tops. And we will see each other often throughout the week.
Going down to studio now to see what she's up to with the dresser she's spiffing up and to repair a canvas for her and give each other pep talks. LOL. And plan... lots of planning going on. So less personal conversation... more fun stuff. Since my bed was set up again last night, I slept wonderfully. She's continuing having disturbing dreams and midnight rambles & snacks. I think her subconscious is working overtime on her stuff. I've got some more stuff to think about ordering, trying to find, etc.
lighter:
Oh, yes, Amber.
More fun.
You've said everything to Hol you can say..... it's out there. Her mind seems to be working on it, even as she sleeps... so more fun seems exactly right.
She'll figure her stuff out.
You design and put your life in order. Savor these final moments of her in your home, as there's no changing the timeline, it seems.
More joy. Yup yup yup.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
In these days of incredibly frustrating customer service, long wait times, etc - comes a little ray of sunshine:
Yesterday I called the distributor for the stone veneer I need 4 more boxes of to finish the wall in the bedroom (prior to wood trim). This afternoon I got a call back from them, saying Home Depot would have it back in stock next week. I made sure to let him know I truly appreciated the callback.
It just makes a person's day, to give/receive those little kindnesses.
lighter:
That's great, Amber.
I'm glad to hear it.
Lighter
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