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Farm Doin's - 2020

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sKePTiKal:
Yeah, I know Lighter. I felt like he just told me I didnt matter to him at all. My first instinct was to be mad at him. He KNOWS what I went thru with Mike. But I didn't react that way.

I calmed down and realized that he wouldn't be physically able to do what he plans to do in the next 2 months without SOME assistance - and at the moment, he has no choice (as absurd as that is) about where to seek assistance. It's sure not his fault his med devices went bad on him. I was just reflexively being self-centered and on the verge of a pity-party. I nipped that in the bud right quick. What with the tension I've been living with on a daily basis around here - that news was like the straw on the camel's back to me. And I catatrophized it in a nano-second. I didn't even go to sleep believing in that story line at all. PHEW... talk about the past leading one astray... it was a close call.

But I guess practice of discipline over mouth & fingers (typing) does work. Even 10 minutes of real thinking (versus just emotionally reacting) was enough for me to outline back to him that I got it; why he has to entertain this. And the fact is - the ultimate goal is to get moved here with me. When we'll find him different docs & treatment. But I did point out, that I'm not just someone he's trying to get TO, in a couple months. Au contraire. I am right here, right now... and I would hope he would include me in discussion/decisionmaking of this magnitude. Just dropping it fait accompli on me, just about sent me over the edge. He has every right to do it that way, mind you. He's a grown man. But oh lordy, that put me through 10 minutes of sheer panicked hell.

I know he's been stressed out too. And he's always said he doesn't talk easily about his emotions. But this wasn't even about emotions (and I think he's pretty danged clear about them). But then - he hasn't slept much in 3 weeks either. I can forgive him his style of telling me about this. He didn't mean to scare the crap outta me. But he sure heard me when I told him about it doing so.

Hopalong:
Oh, hon. That was really hard.
But GOOD for you for catching your reaction and depersonalizing it. Bravo.

Just reading about what he's going through left me thinking if it took a morphine pump, bring it on. I'm glad you were able to give him space again, to feel what he has to feel and find his own way through.

He hasn't forgotten the big A&B goal, I think. He's trying to make it happen.

And worst case? We're all mortal. But he is not Mike and if god forbid you face another loss some day, one loss is not like another. Not when you continue to grow and deepen and heal as much as you have. B has got so much life force going that I can't imagine you are not going to enjoy quite a few years with him. Whatever it takes to reduce/control his pain.

It does sound like he has a rational plan. Very much so. So in a way, I feel relieved that he took care of those decisions on his own. Yes, he could improve how he keeps you in the loop. But maybe it's more important to him to make his own choices about his own body, at a time when it's demanding he attend to it. And feeling pressured to get your buy-in just might be a step too far.

You like 'em strong and independent, right? You got it!

No despair. You two are good, still very good.

That's what I believe, fwiw.

Big hugs,
Hops

lighter:
 Amber:

I wouldn't be surprised if B carries some fear around  your willingness to go through ongoing medical stuff.  Maybe his stoic process is a bit about having to do it on his own, always, and fear it will always be that.  Him.  On his own.  Coping.  Trying to get to you....you choosing not to wait. 

I have the feeling he's more vulnerable than you know, but maybe I'm reading too much into what you've shared.  No....I think he'd have to super human to escape despair after all he's endure, particularly with 3 weeks of poor sleep.

Despair is a dark hole of WHAT IF, IME.  This is a man used to solving problems.  My heart breaks when I think THIS treatment is the thanks we extend to our injured vets, Amber.

I wonder what B does with that in his darkest moments.  He holds it together better than I would, me' thinks.

As for your reacting.....who wouldnt?  It's a gut punch.  Maybe B anticipated you'd be very reactive?  More reactive?  His track record with a not very supportive partner likely has him waiting for the other shoe to fall....even if he's not aware of it.

In any case, I hope you both keep lines of communication open.  You guys seem to do a pretty good job navigating the surgeries.  You'll do it again if it comes to that.

Again, I don't really understand the medical issues.  It seems like B is heroically overcoming obstacle after obstacle in ways I marvel at.  The problems sound critical to me.

If B finally makes the move to the farm, can walk, can sleep and isn'texperiencing debilitating pain and infection....
I know I'll sob with relief.
::Praying for best possible outcome::
Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Oh... thanks you guys. I'm touched; especially about the understanding you're extending to B.

Yes, he's the independent problem solver. Yes, that's exactly what I saw that was soooo attractive this time around. There are subtle things going on. One is the idea that our relationship will be one of living life together - but remaining independent in more ways than a traditional marriage or committed relationship usually entails. In other words, we're together by choice - not a binding contract. The only similarity is that we're both monogamous by nature. Financially, our invididual situations are complicated as it is; it makes sense to keep things separate etc... we have full life histories behind us... and life-long ways of being/living... and this just seemed to make the most sense to me so that if for any reason, one of us said "oops, I think we made a mistake" we could part friends, no harm no foul. And of course, we're both avoiding/resisting that dependency on each other that seems to develop in marriages.

That whole idea left my mouth, and got proposed to him last year... spontaneously. It was something we'd jokingly & lightly tossed around before that visit. As a "something to look forward to after the D goes to college and it's just a visit; you'll like it here". Apparently, last year went really well -- :D.

No, he didn't believe me when I told him a few surgeries before he showed up here: chicks dig scars - don't worry about it. (I didn't know the background behind his self-consciousness then.) I can sense he was deeply hurt by the ex over that; after all they'd been together 18 years when she dropped that bomb on him and left. Surely, she saw him as more than his medical stuff?? Yeah, she did - a source of money. He hasn't wandered down the paths of the details of that relationship - or his one before that - with me. And I'm not pressing him. Told him, one of my main relationship rules was "don't ever confuse me with an ex-wife"... LOLOL. I'm different; so is he. And I'm hoping that a different structure to the relationship itself will help me remember not to superimpose some conditioned "pattern" of how it's supposed to be; and how we each are within that. I'm working hard on maintaining that this is some brand spankin' new relationship and DIFFERENT.

And the only way this can work is if we start from that place of mutual respect - the love was extra and unexpected; but it's pretty strong. Underneath the strong, can-do tough guy... I know; I can SEE - a deep pool of intense emotions. And he's extremely shy about that. That's OK; I'm thrice bitten - thrice shy too. So long conversations about feelings just are outside the range of possibility right now. But we DO tell each other our stories; and it shows up there. And we both know how to SHOW each other those feelings... so what's to talk about? Sometimes I think people spend too much time talking about relationships and not enough time being IN relationship. He is a sensitive romantic under all his psych "armor"... and that pings loud & clear off my artistic romantic side... but, for the most part we're practical, pragmatic direct people who value having a partner to go through life with.

Yes Lighter. Over the last 4-5 years, this group of friends we're online with watched him sink down further into hopelessness & frustration over the medical crap. Mel, another woman and I, would touch base about what we were perceiving... and trying out ideas to help him, on each other. Then, I think it was 2 surgeries ago... something in me shifted and I was ready to jump in and advocate for him; fight for him. Now, I'd already heard other vets stories of their trials & tribulations so it wasn't some revelation to me. And I didn't dangle myself as some kind of "reward" for sticking it out and making it to the other side either. Nothing like that was going on at the time. It was just a simple - "you'll have to come visit me when I get settled in WV". And then I proceeded to use foxhole humor - as dark, twisted and wry as possible with a lot of creative twists - to cheer him up and give him a pep talk. Teased him about sexy nurses; hospital gowns; rappeling out of the hospital room when he'd had enough torture...

and then, when he insisted that it would take less time for him to fix my jeeps than to explain to me how to do it (and  deal with my frustration & clumsiness with that kind of work) and showed up and actually DID it - like first thing after putting his stuff in the room he was in - and I got that happy domestic glow of "all is right with this picture"... that was pretty much all it took for me, to start talking to him... look into his eyes as he talked about himself... etc swoon scene. LOL. I watched him closely working on the rubicon and directing his "go-fer" to get this or that or hold something. Watched his hands move through all the complicated pieces with patience and knowledge of what to do - just like I've watched the older generation of men in my life, all my life - my stepdad, dad & grandpa. Wizards of mechanical things, and construction and tools just look like they were made for those hands. When I'd ask questions, he'd explain and SHOW me. (That's a big one, because I want to know how to do it myself.)

When he can't sleep - for whatever reason - he makes paracord straps, bracelets, etc. It's basically macrame. He sharpens knives and looks at them online. He keeps his hands busy... while his mind seeks that flow & zone. And he'll sleep. Until the pain wakes him again. He's even more OCD than I am... LOLOL. So for him, now, that's keeping him on an even keel; sane. He pets & plays with the kitties and the D's new kitten she brought home.

Oh, communication isn't bad at all. If there is silence - right now, it usually means he's sleeping or trying to. Before, it was because he was busy working. But there is a rhythm to it. We'll touch base usually every 3-4 hrs or more often than that. Just a quick - look at that! or here's where I am and what I'm doing - or another step crossed off the list of to-do's to finally get here and have space for him to claim. It's usually only at night that we venture into the more personal emotional side of things. And mornings, sometimes.

He does have "dark night of the soul" times - whether it's an anniversary of losing a buddy in battle, the battle itself, or some other major milestone. And he goes "dark" and withdraws into himself to do what is required to honor those events, and let it go just a little more without forgetting. I do the same thing from time to time. So I can respect that need to do so and not worry about him. Our spiritual/mystic sides are pretty compatible - his native traditions and mine work well together and we've noticed, sensed and thought about a lot of the same things over the years.

As far as avoiding despair - he does what he CAN do for right now. And that's more than you'd expect; but he pays for it in pain later. He is very persistent and determined to make progress every day toward the to-do list - some would say stubborn LOL - no matter what it costs him.

As soon as the mulltiple test results are back, he'll have some idea of what is going to happen when with the hospital. And then it's my turn to keep the overnight watch, to keep him safe. LOL. He says he MIGHT be taking the D to college next weekend... it's still tentative. If that's the case - I might go there for his surgery and immediate recovery days. D knows about me now. And she'll be beside herself thinking he's alone after a surgery - when she should focus on her classes. Right now, that's just an idea in my head. I haven't said anything to him, yet.

Hopalong:
Hmmm. Boy are you a good thinker, (((((Amber))))).

This is what popped into my head (about being there for his surgery/recovery).

I thought: Why not ask, but without trying to convince?

IOW: If you'd be okay with it, I'd like to be there for your surgery and to help after. Would you like that? Whatever you decide is fine with me.

Kinda thing.

hugs
Hops

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