Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Farm Doin's - 2020
sKePTiKal:
Ah, forgot the question about raising her. His active duty was "suspended" in '94. D was born 2001 or 02. (Boy does that make me feel "old"... Hol and B's oldest - BL - were born in '78.) But he was never formally released from service - so when they needed this training done, he was reactivated - even with his issues. That paperwork is in now, and it's been almost a month since then... so he should (but neither of us is holding our breath) start hearing something about it pretty soon. I figured it could take as long as 90 days to process completely.
Yes he was qualified; certified to dive. For all the physical issues with his back & legs, being in the water is second nature to him. He loves it and his physical problems are actually less of an issue diving. He had a blast! And got closure with that part of his life. I'm so happy it went well for him. This kind of ending is what is he's looking for in other areas of his life, too.
That request for my travel & assistance was another former military member - he was a medic & surgeon; an officer with an attitude. Cliché snotty officer. But he WAS the one who helped me a lot, when Mike was ill. And he was straight up with me. Hol was in the city, at former BF's house when I got the request and they had another fight the same the evening... and I was on the phone with her till pretty late. And then she was headed back here the next day. No way I could take off, especially since this friend couldn't tell me how long he needed my help... and Hol clearly needed me here when she got home. So it never happened. I'm glad; because something felt "off" to me, about all of that.
LOL. Since the presentation of S's "need" for me to refuse B coming here - for the sake of S's comfort... Hol and I went through all of these concerns in depth AGAIN... and she's now satisfied that a) I've thought it about a lot too and asked questions and listened to the answers thoroughly and b) she's willing to accept that her "perception" always forgets how long I've known B prior to his first visit here - he's still really new to her, in other words. But she is very gregarious and outgoing when she wants to be and will take the time to get to know him before immediately jumping to conclusions, based on HER past experiences. I've told her a number of times that B & I were friends before Mike died. B even called me and offered support and let me call & talk to him late nights when i couldn't sleep (he tends to be a night owl)... so we weren't just casual friends. He wasn't exactly what I consider "inner circle" back then - but he was closer than a lot of people were.
It's important to me that she and S are comfortable with my decision and give my judgement & B some trust - until there is reason to NOT TRUST. Hol is working on trying to calm S's unfounded anxiety down and sort out why he even withdraws from her into self-imposed silence and solitude for days at a time. I don't envy her the task she set herself, and disagree that it's her job to solve the puzzle or convince him to open up to her. But then - c'est la vie and it's her life. She is coming to terms with herself over whether she wants to continue on like this or make changes. That's totally up to her; she knows what I think about him... and that's all the further I go, except occasionally helping her put feelings in this pile and thoughts/plans in that pile... to get some clarity on her own path. No different than what I do here, talking to you all about what you might be going through.
One of the best discoveries I've made, during this deeper getting to know Buck - is that who he is and how he behaves with me empowers me to be "more me". It's not like some "master plan" of his or anything like that; it's how we are together. I can be so open with him, straightforwardly just being me without any eggshells anywhere in sight... that some days I just stop and marvel at that. Self-consciousness and always couching my expressions with an apology or explanation or "preamble"... are falling away. It's kinda like I've been hiding my light under a bushel basket and all he did was take it off my head to get a better look at me. LOLOL. Or I flung it away and decided I didn't want it or need it anymore - especially taking the chance at possible new romance. I desperately wanted to STOP HIDING. LOLOL.
And as it turns out, the effect of that is all through my life now. With everyone, more & more. It's not just something between he & I. I kinda like it.
Hopalong:
What a wonderful statement, Amber:
--- Quote ---I've been hiding my light under a bushel basket and all he did was take it off my head to get a better look at me. LOLOL. Or I flung it away and decided I didn't want it or need it anymore - especially taking the chance at possible new romance. I desperately wanted to STOP HIDING.
--- End quote ---
Not only did you take a chance on the possibility of good things happening, you've ALSO been reality-based all the way through. So if it hadn't worked out with A&B, I'd never have doubted that your strength of mind and heart would carry you through disappointment, too.
I'm so impressed.
It's such a beautiful thing that you've both hung in there, fighting not just for yourselves but for each other. B is a very lucky man and I hope the universe gets him to you soon.
hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Thanks Hops. It's a grey flannel chilly wet foggy day here.
Funny thing about this past year. It's included really getting to the end of the grieving process; letting my old connection with Mike go; navigating boundaries with Hol and her circus of flying monkeys... while maintaining a strong attachment with her...
all of the hard, serious, deep thought about my capability to be in a new relationship, a relationship with B, what that's going to require of me at times, and enjoying myself to extent that I can... those wings are still unfolding...
and I'm sitting here feeling stronger than ever; more whole than I have EVER; and not even all that serious all the time anymore. I don't really ruminate on anything or worry for long about things... even B's medical stuff. He's convinced me it's all working out according to his plan so - I'm letting him take care of it and simply waiting along with Hol for the "final move in" to the Hut. Then I have free rein to have at MY space again. ;)
I am going to go pick out a new kitten from the litter S's barn cat has had, to keep Freddy company.
All things in due time. Including the upcoming time, when we can finally venture out into the wide world again and enjoy some pursuits from the "old normal" again.
lighter:
I hope you don't NEED S and Hol to trust you, your decisions or B in order for you to be OK.
You might not receive any of those things, from BOTH S and Hol anyway, and if you don't.... what should it really matter TO YOU?
You don't require their approval or permission in any way, shape or form.
You also don't have to listen to their worries or complaints,bc they already laid them all out for you. Thanks. Done.
Fini until there's information that brings more clarity, or changes something and I doubt S will ever be rational about his "feelings" in this matter. I might be wrong, but I suspect S ius super comfortable following his feelings without any self-reflection at all.
How it affects Hol.... is another matter, but you don't have any control over that. You never will, and giving S what he says would MAKE him feel safe wouldn't, IME. He'd come up with some other thing, and present it as the next THING that would make him feel safe and it would never end, IME.
Hol wants to puzzle that man out, and she will... until she's done trying. There are lessons for her there. I hope she sees that, gains some distance and gets very curious as to why she's chosen him.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Oh, "needing" that would be completely out of character with where I am now Light. What I said was:
--- Quote --- It's important to me that she and S are comfortable with my decision and give my judgement & B some trust - until there is reason to NOT TRUST. Hol is working on trying to calm S's unfounded anxiety down ...
--- End quote ---
I meant it just the way I wrote it. They are certainly free to question it from time to time and I don't exactly "care" what S thinks about B. He wouldn't think that if he tried to talk to B - but since he barely talks to Hol at this point there's not much chance of that. S seldom talks TO ME - will sometimes acknowledge I've spoken to him. He told Hol he doesn't feel safe to talk to any of us; words wouldn't be right; someone would get mad... etc etc.
Hol feels VERY comfortable talking to me, even about difficult things. That's not changed. And she won't hesitate even when risking my anger. I've give S no real reason to fear me - and B certainly hasn't - so worrying about his comfort is part of my nurturing side. If there is no real reason to fear - why is he fearful?
And maybe he needs to talk to someone about that. Like a therpist. ;)
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version