Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Farm Doin's - 2020
lighter:
Ya, thinking S has issues he's brought into his adult life.....from his past.
You're right..... you wrote "it's important" and you didn't write "I need" in reference to S and Hol trusting you or your decisions, etc. I think I was trying to validate that, but it went off the rails.
S' stance sort of unhinges me, though I'm certain he's suffering and is aware something is OFF with the way he refuses to interact with others. Hol wants to FIX it. The more she tries, the harder he resists. They're well matched to work on those issues. I hope they can.
It pinged very sad for me when you wrote S can't speak, bc he's afraid someone will get angry. Paraphrasing.
Whether it's true or not, I picture a very angry parent, ruling him in his head, with S cowering and hiding behind his defenses, which come off as selfish and self contained.
Something formed his aversion to conflict, long before you went off about the tools, IMO.
::counting down to B's arrival::.. Well..... hoping hard in your direction, anyway; )
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Yeah, I've been trying to only lead by example. Hol & I can have loud, vehement disagreements - and be laughing with each other by the end of it. Anger by itself doesn't have to lead to permanent life conditions that are irreversible or unconquerable. I'm just trying to show him that intense emotional expression doesn't always lead to bad things. I don't create those situations - there's plenty of opportunity for him to watch while being "off stage" as it were.
But, I don't over invest in teaching what someone doesn't want to learn anymore. And since I'm not exactly believing his brand of "voicelessness" is trauma-based (since there have been no explanations at ALL to believe so; and as long as we've talked here on the board, I have seen the patterns, behaviors, that are more common in our collective traumas) - it rings highly unauthentic and even manipulative - to my ears. And sometimes when Hol is describing interactions with him, she sees that too.
So - yeah; I'm up the nosebleed section of the drama-opera house... making my critiques and judgements, while trying to remember that my perception and ideas can be totally wrong. Not my problem; not my monkeys. More delays with contractor, too. So they are between both places during a week right now. Hol is beyond being patient anymore; contractor has made mistakes we're only now finding out about; and I'm biding my time and keeping my boundaries high. I have found that iPad headphones are a great boundary marker... LOLOL.
Buck and I are due for another conversation about what's going on. Tomorrow he finds out if he's really taking D to college on the weekend. She just got hired for an on-campus job at one of the fast food kiosks, and is overjoyed. Most of what B & I need to do is talk about logistics and the medical stuff... and see what timing is going to be like. It looks like the kids might be between two houses for another month even. No one is happy about that.
lighter:
Ye, Gods, Amber.
I can't imagine what another month will look like.
I guess like the last few months.
You have a lot of patience for this situation.
Tell B Hello.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Dear Amber,
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY was that post not in ALL-CAPS with a lot of BOLD and when you're feeling calm a little ITALIC with some Mutant Ninja Turtle Green in MOTION for freaking emphasis?
And we haven't even mentioned FONTS? Or Font SIZE?
Is there an I-can't-believe-I-have-to-wait-another-month font?
Really.
You are, after all, an artist.
An extremely durable and patient one.
huuuuuuugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
LOLOLOL.
Because no matter how embellished the inner voice is right now - it is literally out of my control. I can't make the correct lumber show up; weld up the railings to the right size (until the screened porch is built, neither can the welding company)... etc ad nauseum.
So, what's the point of yelling out loud about it? Doesn't help anything; doesn't make me feel better either. And it's for SURE that this too shall pass. So I have to do something OTHER than I want to do right now. I'm thinking about online "window shopping" for a new look in clothes that I can pull off, been playing with some new face creams from a company Hol has been using, Sephora (really, really like the Tatsua water cream; used for years by Geishas)... maybe buy some fingernail polish/remover that isn't so toxic and isn't gaudy as hell...saw a shade of lipstick I like that will go well with mutzki coloring... and might see if I can get an appt with at my salon for a shape up to the hair I'm growing out long again.
Yes, there ARE more "constructive, useful" mundane things I can do... but I'm in a strange mood today and so is Hol, and she's already changed her hair color this morning. I don't want to solve the world's problems, decode the mysteries of the universe or even my own overly-complex brain... and even though housecleaning would get my gears moving in the "doing" realm again...
I. DON'T. WANNA.
LOLOLOL. I wanna be 10 lbs lighter and my middle 10 inches trimmer (and stronger)... my skin to look smooth & plump and my hair to behave itself, instead of going all Albert Einstein on me.
I wanna wow B the next time he sees me; knock his socks off. Discombobulate his normal, big strong guy and everything's under control demeanor.... and make him stutter and drool. BOOTS, I need new BOOTS... just texted Hol the new plan for the day... she can be a great partner in crime on this kind of mission.
I think I'm ready to stop being invisible and shed my "widders weeds".
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