Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Farm Doin's - 2020
sKePTiKal:
Buck's surgery was last night. Too bad the surgeons can't sew - he's leaking through his bandages AND the extra padding provided to absorb what should be just a little leakage on the stitched incision. Some time later today, they'll insert the picc line and hopefully release him tonight, end of day. This was relatively minor surgery and is usually an outpatient deal.
But the complication of the infection he got from a PREVIOUS surgery in THAT HOSPITAL... means they kept him overnight. And it's precisely more of a contamination/spread issue in his blood. This problem needs fixed before he goes home because it's a bit of a yoga challenge to change bandages on your own back. So, just more of the same. Maybe he just needs to get a Bio-Hazard tattoo. ;) Except ya can't get tattoo'd with this kind of infection.
I was getting worried. He went down to surgery around 6; didn't call me till almost 10. He was still pretty groggy; still coming back from whatever they gave him for pain. Then he kept texting me all night. LOL. Between him and Stinker I didn't get a lot of sleep. Good thing I don't have anything majorly challenging to do today. Almost like it was planned this way.
I've been sorting out my kitchen, divvying up extra herbs/spices to Holly, deep cleaning, reorganizing from the move-in starting point 4 years ago... and asking myself why I thought I needed ALL these gadgets. Started cooking "thank you Amber" dishes again for myself and freezing parts of the batches. It's almost time for me to make another batch of small pans of lasagna and freeze them too. Every week, I'm cleaning out more junk food or stuff that got lost in the freezer and has been there more than a couple years to see how much room I've got to put in a big order of meat with a local farm. I need to compost all the extra pantry provisions I brought from the beach... and reorganize that space too.
lighter:
Maybe buy a very efficient freezer to keep'yer meat, Amber? I' m channeling Pink Floyd today, apparently.
I've been thinking about a freezer chest for the island, that can be unplugged mist of the time....just used for fish and as energy efficient as can be managed.
Seems it would simplify, but then....so is keeping our fridgefreezers clean and pretty empty most of the time. Eating fresh is good too, IME.
Tell B I'm sending healing pink light his way, please.
Lighter
Hopalong:
(((Amber)))--
Something so consoling about your simple re-engagement with home stuff like downsizing spices and puttering. I liked reading that. Ahhhhh.
I am thinking of B and knowing how hard it is not only to go through such painful surgery and recovery, but how hard it is on YOU to wait for his wellness.
So hope it comes faster than it has before and brings him to you, better. You have been a really astonishing partner/companion to Buck in all this, and I hope hugely that both of you get the chance to settle in to that comfort of love and partnership in the real.
You're an amazing partner and I know he knows how lucky he is.
hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Well, seems I posted too soon.
Cat scan revealed a wire or tube from one of the medical devices was left behind; Infectious disease won't treat infection until that's removed; surgeon won't remove it - apparently not REALIZING that if a wire, then the bacteria is sticking to the metal or if a tube, ditto PLUS it could be why he leaks spinal fluid and has this frequent recurrence of meningitis symptoms.
Meanwhile B is in limbo; held hostage while someone learns to communicate better and DO THEIR JOBS correctly. This time, Infectious Disease is correct - whatever was left behind has to go before treating the infection. And now we WAIT. Sigh.
This is maddening. I'm trying to keep him entertained from a distance - because of course, with Covid the policy is no visitors unless immediate family. But I didn't sleep much last night - and I know I'm going to conk out early tonight. Good thing he can entertain himself.
-------------------
He almost spooked me. Last week, his D did something of which he didn't approve and in the process of talking it out, said that I was his only light now. For whatever reason, that sounded wrong to me at the time. And I think I know why now. It reminded me of how Mike wanted to always be joined at the hip with me and made me feel guilty even when I was only going to the salon for the two hours to get my hair done. (When I colored it.)
So I found a way to explain it without a million digressions or ramblings... and he came back with: you don't have to worry about that with me. I may not want a LOT of new people in my life, but I'm quite happy going out hunting critters with the guys or fossils by himself... working in his shop. I guarantee I won't be underfoot or chasing you around ALL the time. And he WANTS to cook his dishes. And is no stranger to washing dishes either. Does his own laundry (due to the infection; he's overly cautious about that but it IS smart). Knows how vacumn cleaners work... and has already started learning where things are in the kitchen so he doesn't have to ask all the time.
And I know he's a neat freak. If he's making a mess while working, he ALWAYS cleans up. When you live on a submarine, space is at a premium and you get in the habit. I guess since this is the Mike anniversary season, that comment got an immediate emotional reaction from me while I didn't know why (what he meant was really quite sweet)... until I connected it to Mike's emotional dependency and how that got translated into actual restrictions on me and yes, I cooperated; but it bothered me more than I was willing to admit. And due to his passing & the whole grieving process... things like that got pushed more to my subconscious.
He is so understanding, he gets that I'm still working through stuff. And reassures me that he's not like that... and doesn't get offended that I freaked out a little, over it. He's an amazing partner too. Worthy of my best efforts to be good to him, too.
There have been sooooo many things like this over the course of the last 14 months that we've already worked out between us. Yes, we've been apart - at a distance - but we've been working on communication and the relationship during that time. Developing trust. Letting love settle softly around us... no drama (well, except this wretched hospital experience & Hol's dramas)... between us, NO DRAMA.
One of the things about the house... is that I had to adjust shortly after I finally got mostly unpacked, to Hol, then Steve being here. I'm finally getting settled and having had so many different kinds of situations here already - know what I want to do in this next phase. Buck and I have similar taste and prefer "simple" and functional to any big statements. I'm looking forward to seeing how his treasures fit in... and I'm purging certain things again, too. Fossils, geodes that he's found. Antique items... and we can sit and design in our imaginations together and brainstorm. A creative partner. We make each other laugh. And we can read each other's body language and facial expressions like we've been together a long time; finishing each other's sentences almost. But with his southern accent sometimes it's more fun to hear what expressions he uses... so I don't finish too many. ;)
Twoapenny:
Skep, I'm so sorry that Buck's been through yet another incompetence. My mind truly boggles at the way in which medical professionals can just mess up so frequently and no-one does anything about it. I really hope that once they sort this mess out he will have at least some time without anymore medical dramas. Poor guy.
I have personally found any military guy I know to be extraordinarily neat and can only think it a good thing. We used to go to a sports club for disabled kids years ago and the guy that ran that was ex Army (PT instructor). Lovely guy, so good at what he did, everything ran like clockwork but his brain used to melt at people turning up late, not being where they were supposed to, having a shirt on that wasn't ironed. You could see it was deeply wired into him that other people not being like that boggled his mind (in a kind of cute, funny way, he didn't get cross about it, just kept telling people they needed an Army training course). He was very cute.
I think it's very easy for a comment (his only light) to mean very different things to different people, and it's hard when someone from the past would have meant that in a different way to the way Buck means it. I would have flipped out a little too; it's great that he understands and is enough of his own man to be able to keep his stuff and your stuff connected but not enmeshed. He sounds like a good un.
I am really looking forward to the day when you post on here some stuff about the projects you and Buck have been getting up to and how you're sat by the fire after dinner, just talking about the day and fending off crazy cats. No drama, no complication, just easy companionship and shared time. It won't be long now :) xx
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