There are some parallel plots going on in the farm story right now. Different streams of activity... like different wet weather streams in a downpour - which we might get this week. Not the trop storm so much - but what the storm is going to run into; a weather feature coming out of the upper midwest/great lakes.
Hol has been working at the Hut; removing the wrong color of grout in her master bath shower so it can be regrouted. Heat gun and utility knife work - miserable but not physically difficult. She's just about done. Plumber has been busy connecting kitchen sink & bathroom stuff. Electrician worked Sat, too. This week looks to include moving her appliances down so the gas ones can be hooked up. Interior doors going up; trim getting finished; painting the few odds & ends left. Then, she's headed to B'more to help one of co-workers move. His wife has been going through chemo - and they are moving her and the little one first, as a virus precaution. Then the assembled crew - mostly people from the production crews - will dive in on the bigger stuff. The tv series that was postponed by the virus has been cancelled, so it's a good thing all those people have side jobs. Hol wasn't sure she was going to go back to work. The next weekend - my house will get emptied of her stuff.
Over the weekend, she invited out a friend & his wife that she hasn't seen in a long time. They live out of the city - but jumped at a chance to go somewhere for a change of scenery. He builds garden structures - ike greenhouses, solar systems, etc. And have a homesteader mentality. He and I hit it off and talked late into the darkness; I'm covered in mosquito bites... but we were trading his ideas & my long decades of being interested in this life. Years & years ago, I remember being on the first homestead - and telling Hol I could see her becoming the cliché farmwife with chickens, dogs & cats, & kids running around the yard. I smile to myself, seeing her make that transition - her way of course.
B had a very productive week on his training mission. One student reminded him, of him at that age. He spent a little more time with him - just as he did, with the guy who'd trained him. It was his first - and last - deep dive (100 ft or more) since his injury. And he got closure on that whole part of his life. Some of the diving gear got an appropriate "burial at sea". 17 to 65 is a pretty big chunk of someone's life. He called me a couple times over the weekend. Once when the dog, Seth (Hol's friend) & I got stung by yellow jackets.... LOL. I didn't see the nest when we walked around the deck. No major problems; B was just being protective. That can feel really new & strange to me; but I LIKE it. Sometimes I do remind him, I can take care of myself, though.
I didn't get TOO stuck in overthinking all these new feelings and the "knock you on your butt" intensity of them. I asked for, and got, the reassurance that I wasn't imagining how he feels about me. We are doing the trade, I described in the SHAME thread... so that our individual puzzle pieces of self are coming together to form a new picture. I had to transfer the one text he sent me, to my journal. So I flipped back, to the beginning marker - about my first weekend at the little cabin back in spring '16. Before I bought the farm. It was 6 months after Mike died.
The comparison is interesting. What happened as a result of that experience for me, was beginning a journey back into the whole world of Pre-Twiggy emotional intensity. All the stuff I had to "put away" to get all of my cognitive synapses firing in functional order after the trauma. Hops mentioned shame... I was shamed for how emotional I was as a result of all that trauma. I was expected - it was demanded of me - that I pull up my boots and keep on truckin' somehow. As if what had happened was just a minor insult. Those feelings were the full panorama of emotion, in living color. And it was ALL shutdown, in an attempt to keep my anger under wraps... because that emotion and it's intensity wasn't "comfortable" for other people around me. (Nevermind, it was a direct cry for HELP.) Funny I did meet other people in those early days who completely understood it... and started to help me figure it out. But the people I counted on the most just made things worse. Neighborhood people, teachers, my step-dad... they all helped...
and countless boyfriends and 3 husbands. LOL. I mentioned my stubborn persistence, in the other thread. LOLOL. I never stopped LOOKING for someone who could understand and accept that part of me. It would appear that B was on the same quest... and needed what I can give him too. A whole nother B is waking up too, in this process of working to be together. And communicating that between us... just blew the overthinking, doubts, and uncertainty right outta the water (why do I think I'm going to use that analogy a lot more??? LOLOL). This is real & it's for all the marbles this time. It's "what you see is what you get"... simple. Happy is now a new flavor in both our lives - and we're not clinging to any one particular moment of it... instead we're creating ways to manifest that as often as we can.
I feel kinda like I'm designing myself a new life role... and I think I know where I got the idea from; but of course, it needs to be tailored to me. And Buck.
And I'm going to weave a new balance between left-brain competence and right-brain emotion & processing. It's already starting... and some of it, I'm not even directing. That's OK too.
I just love it when a plan works out. LOLOLOLOLOL.
