Farm Doin's - 2020

[Hopalong]

That's a beautiful saga, Amber.

And it doesn't matter if it seems like a mystical-Outlanderish connection or however feels right to describe it, because it is working for you. You're doing trust. In the universe, in him, but most of all in yourself.

I'm just tickled to read it. Your perspective on Mike is wise too. Warts and all, and you truly loved the man. And now you're accepting the gift of B to love. People die, we all will, but the capacity to choose to love does not.

It's wonderful. It was good to read also how much you and Hol have been healing and learning, too. I'm really glad things are settling down for her. Absence (meaning out of your house) really has helped the heart grow fonder, and what a relief.

Your patience and peace around waiting for Buck is really a lovely kind of strength and I'm so impressed you can do that so well. Next time he comes through the stones, you'll probably put waffles on a plate for him just as he comes through the door.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

LOL... or run away totally freaked out that he's here permanently Hops. (I don't THINK I will, but I do acknowledge it feels a little scary; which could just be "the unknown future" freaking me out a little. Or exhilarated excitement & overwhelming joy that gets translated in my warped brain as fear.)

There isn't much left on his to-do list anymore. The retirement stuff has been happening; he didn't think to tell me; I had to ask. Now, all he needs is his new VA card officially registering his "seperated" status - then he can come here and start over with new doctors. (Already got recommendations from my nurse step-daughter). Most of his appts/docs still see him - but they're absolutely not providing any treatments; just a way to ding the insurance for an office visit.

His D is home for T'giving and he's helping her with DMV stuff so she can have her vote actually count (her temporary license was expired on election day; so she was a provisional ballot) and can take a car back to school with her next semester. I think she'll be able to live off campus too - which will be better than living in a dorm, virus wise. She's working too; on campus food vendor.

That leaves just listing the house and getting it sold. (Which can happen after he moves, as long as someone keeps the yard tidy. Sometimes that can be arranged thru the realtor.) And of course - there's the purging and packing going on. My hunters have offered to help him move a big piece of shop equipment - they're truckers. So that's an option for the actual move.

Hol is having a friend over for dinner tomorrow; they've decided to do funny dress-up black tie. Not the traditional dinner either; she's either making tamales or something along those lines. Yes - separating our daily life has been very helpful for all of us. Even S is speaking to me more often, like a real person does. LOLOL.

I'm dragging my feet about getting moving today; I need to run to a local shop - to look for Christmas gift stuff and make pumpkin pie. I'm doing a more traditional dinner for myself - and either reading or finding a new "epic saga" to watch when I finish Downton Abbey. There are some work decisions I have to do today - but I'm hoping email was the extent of it.

[Hopalong]

Amber, you just sound so clear, and solid, and well-anchored both within yourself and in your activity.

Dunno quite how to explain it, but I just feel happier and happier reading you these days. I don't think it's ALL to do with your having found love with B, but that's surely part of it.

It's as though finding that new space for your heart-life has grounded all the rest of your life, while you participate in and weather all its ups and downs.

I am so very happy for and about you!

big hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

B might've been a catalyst - but I think what happened is something huge shifted, remember my 16-ton turkey buzzard? I got out of my own way... and lifted the prohibitions I had in place - to keep me "safe". What it was doing was simply shutting off my connection to other people and the world.

DIRECT is more the word I'd use about me these days; I am directly my self and feel just as, if not more, safe this way than the overly guarded self I used to be.

[Twoapenny]

DIRECT is more the word I'd use about me these days; I am directly my self and feel just as, if not more, safe this way than the overly guarded self I used to be.

That is chiming with me so much just now, Skep, and I'm not really straight enough about it in my own mind to explain why but yes, I get it.  Almost like being strong enough now to be unguarded which is safer - the risks have reduced?  And so putting your true self out there is attracting the right sort?  Instead of the guarded self which inadvertently invites those who will trample on you?  I can't find the right words just now but I think I get it.  And if it is what I think it is, then I'm delighted for you!  Lol xx

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Tupp. Yes, I think you do know exactly what I'm trying to find words for.

I was kinda watching this; observing; yesterday. I had no choice but to call my "problem child" and resolve an issue. After all these years, she'll be 44 this year, she broke down & bawled like a baby... proclaiming she just wanted to talk to her mommy. (I've had her blocked on my phone for exactly a year so she couldn't do that; for my own peace of mind. And to protect myself from being re-hurt.) For 30 years - I was the last person she cared about. And true to form - her words said one thing, but all she wanted to talk about was herself. No interest in my plans for the day, my life - or whether I was healthy. Nada. I did get a token apology when I told her what I did - and that the reason I did is because she'd said some terribly ugly and hurtful things to me. Way more direct about my thoughts, feelings and how that informed my actions. Nothing bad happened. She doesn't care enough about me to be upset about that.

Then, I spent the evening at the hut. S had an old girlfriend - that he's still friends with - over. I took pie & whipped cream and we just hung out. Us girls had a nice giggle-chat; and I could talk business and Covid with the friend. I actually conversed w/S too... he seems more relaxed in the house HE lives in, than being in MY house. LOLOL. OK, whatever, that's probably pretty common. Nothing felt weird or uptight... but then, I've never felt that anywhere Hol lived. It was nice little evening and I had plenty of time to myself.

I'm taking a lot MORE, too. This weekend. Making some wooly bullies (moth repellent sachets) for a friend's gift and doing some more financial/farm planning... and decisions. Mama Captain is taking the ship full speed ahead.

[Hopalong]

That's amazing, Amber. I admire your courage in letting your hurtful D back in, to some degree. I'm sorry she's still not mature enough to notice you as a human being rather than solely parent-to-blame. The estrangement expert, Dr. Jonathan Coleman, says in his books parents of estranged adult children can NEVER expect to be seen and heard that way. Even a token apology would be something amazing to me.

I'm so glad you had a happy evening at the hut and have got your mojo back! It really does seem as though you have an entirely new chapter underway and it's wonderful to hear about.

Hope the mountain always gives you back more strength and inspiration.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Buck says he sees more frequent evidence of my strut returning. (Bob Seger tune... "He loves to watch her strut") It has literally been since the 80s when I had that - despite my difficulties living as a single mom, and then art school & the always-right, stubborn, perfectionist that was Ex#2.

There are a couple different versions of the strut. Sometimes, it's because I know I physically look good (oh, vanity... never goes away) and that usually happens when I'm feeling good. There's the "going to conquer the world no matter what" strut. And then, "I know something you don't know" strut... LOLOLOL.

Fairly harmless, and I don't bother with worrying about other people's reaction to it - because I'm truly not trying to make anyone feel less than - or that I'm any better than anyone. It used to be a "thing" for me though; that trying to be invisible so I wouldn't attract either unwanted attention or I was so over-responsible about other people's feelings that I would dim my light so as not to be a reason for them feeling bad. I think all I accomplished with that "thing" was simply adding tense energy to interactions. For everyone.

Now onward to taking care of a bit of a list of tasks; nothing heavy-duty... maybe a little fun, too.

[sKePTiKal]

Phew. Most of my Christmas shopping is done. Hol is a tough one this year. I even found a present for S this year. I am only buying things that I know people will really use this year. I saw a pair of supersoft & fuzzy slippers that I thought Hol would like (and I did too)... they're backordered until Jan/Feb!! Why are they in the catalogue then?

Maybe I'll order her a pallet of paver blocks. LOL. The mud around the hut is pervasive. I can always get her trail bologna & a wheel of baby swiss.

I made a list of ingredients to get for ALL the things I might possibly bake for Christmas, except for maybe Lebkuchen... which seems redundant with the frosted gingerbread cake. Most of what I'm considering is more candy than cookies this year. Fudge, pralines, marshmallows... and the like.

I haven't cut greens yet, because it's COLD out there and the wind is fierce. Have a feeling Hol & I will meet up in studio later today or tomorrow. So woodstove duty takes up time - but it's oh so worth it when the wind is blowing. But between the kitchen and woodstove - I'm running the steps a lot to keep everything moving along just right. I may have a commission to make another anorak, like I made Buck but in wool, over the winter, too. For a friend.

Things are moving along on B's end but no word yet on whether he'll be here around Christmas or not. Construction is now in winter mode - all weather dependent. There is a load of materials for framing out Hol's garage coming next week. They still need to finish the deck railings and build steps down to the field off there. She's painting baseboards, a little every day; has some fake greens & lights up over her huge doors.

And I'm still getting plenty of "rip van winkle" time. Started from the beginning in Outlander, again. Something to watch that isn't dependent on my cell signal. Trying to see if I can associate it with my life, for a third iteration... mental exercises about emotions kinda. LOLOL. Who knows what I'll stumble across?

Both B and I are getting antsy about getting him moved here. But once again - I feel it's required that I take stock and analyze what I currently know about both of us. I think, to quiet the monkey mind's refrain about looking before you leap. If nothing showed up in over a year with getting to know him, inside & out, I don't want to manufacture anything to fuss over from my fears & triggers, ya know? I won't get around to it, if I keep myself focused on other things that require me to concentrate a little.

Business is going to quietly run into the start of the new year without any major drama. Guy in charge found one place we can save a big chunk of change in the health insurance that doesn't drastically impact the employees in exchange for potential raises next year (dependent on sales); we've cut the Christmas bonuses this year - but everyone will still get one. We should still be in the black this year; just barely - but that does reduce the taxes that bro & I will pay.

My BRAIN is over-active with all this stuff. But my body still hasn't gotten out of my cozy bed nest yet. LOLOL. So, it's about time I get them synchronized a little closer and headed in the same general direction.

[lighter]

You sound happy, busy and pretty content to me, Amber.

Go cut greens when the wind dies down.  It's spectacular at my Dad's farm right now.  Perfect for missing and decorating for Christmas.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Christmas Kitchen Wench needs to get out of bed and dressed and start her shift today - yesterday was almond & hazelnut biscotti, today is Alaska Molasses cookies (kind of a lace cookie) and MAYBE something else on the list. But it's C O L D out; Hol's been proposing a studio day all week and neither of us has made it yet (she's busy at the hut). I haven't heard from her yet, so no idea what might happen today.

Stinker hurt one of his back legs while I was out, last week. And he's still limping. Vet x-rayed him, but couldn't get the image to load and hasn't called me back yet. Kitty's not in pain, just can't put weight on it and it might be dislocated; not broken - he's still zoomy around the house, even stairs - and it's not swollen. It did hurt for a couple days. I smooshed a low dose aspirin and put some crumbs in his food. Time to feed the little monsty too. Before Freddy the Fat (coz he's been eating Stink's food) comes back in.

[sKePTiKal]

And I'm crashing pretty hard. Last couple of early mornings - why are all my "have tos" hitting at this time of year? on top of Christmas? - 3 early mornings this week, no downtime... move move move.

Stinker's xray did show dislocation & swelling; vet is recommending better imagery and an orthopedic vet - because he's worried the growth plate in that knee might have a hairline fracture. I'm supposed to keep a 4 month old ACTIVE kitten in a carrier except for 30 minutes a day. RIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHHTTTT. What about litter box? What about muscular atrophy? Especially for a growing kitten. And he quickly slipped out of the harness I have for him, so leash isn't going to work -- his gymnastics to eat the leash are worse for him than just moving on his own.

I'm trying to get an appt with a vet qualified to do the imagery; then my choices equal surgery or putting him down, according to my usual vet. Because he will always be lame; my "free" in/out cat. According to this vet. Because of a silly injury. Except he's NOT lame. He is getting around - and very quickly too - despite that leg. I have some medication for him, pain reliever & anti-inflammatory; except he hasn't seemed to be in pain - both Hol & I have felt that joint and no reaction from him. Not till the vet tried to pop the joint back with concurrent swelling preventing it.

So, if I can get more imagery and a second opinion, I'll go from there. He's restricted to the bedroom and bath for now. Can't do much jumping in here and reinjure himself.

There's more baking I want to do - but I've also got some errands to run, too. More "have-tos". Stink will have to wait for me, in the carrier while I'm gone. If I can keep him "quiet" - a relative term - and get the swelling down, he may be able to pop the knee cap himself - he's been stretching that leg out behind him a lot. Trying.

Bad dreams this week - most involving Mike. Hol's had 'em too. And I haven't slept well. Watched The Call of the Wild with Harrison Ford; and it made me cry... woke up crying this morning too. I think I've just exhausted myself; nothing else to give. Anyone. Maybe I can send Hol to the store...

[Twoapenny]

Oh Skep, I'm really sorry to read that you've crashed a bit.  So much going on for you and you've had a lot of stress to deal with for such a long time now (often other people's!  Such is life).  And now poor kitty as well.  Second opinion sounds like a good idea.  I'm no expert but I've seen so many pets adapt to whatever injuries or difficulties they have so I hope someone else can suggest something more positive.  Would dearly love to be there just now to make you cups of tea, run errands and keep you tucked up on the sofa watching films and giving yourself some much needed TLC.  I hope you're able to go at a bit of a slower pace for a while and let everything catch up and settle down again xx

[sKePTiKal]

It'll be OK Tupp; it always is.

[lighter]

Rest ((((Amber))))
Cry when it comes up...just let it all come out without stopping it.

It's going to be ok.

Lighter