Coronavirus

[Hopalong]

((((((((Tupp))))))))) --

I so totally understand why this left you bruised. I completely, entirely agree with you and am very sad about the moral divide this is revealing in so many places.

Perhaps in working with those who are very old and fragile for whom the only release is getting dying over with, your friend has become callous to them. Certainly sounds that way. I don't agree, of course. Though I'm just as frustrated that we get no help with dying when we're very old and miserable, I would never want to be cared for by a worker who considers me expendable rubbish.

All that said, I think your pain got hooked when you tried to reason with her, based on empathy and a moral code she doesn't share. I believe she is wrong and expressed cruel thoughts, and didn't see how parenting your son would make you even more sensitive to the disadvantages of the helpless.

I can't agree with you more, except that I'd like to say you are entirely within your rights of self protection and self care...to simply NOT ENGAGE, when you hear someone (even a friend) starting down an ethical path that shocks and causes pain. Whether on the phone or online or in a message.

You do not have to take the bait. Her attitude does hook loving people, vulnerable people (while you're healthy, you are the parent of someone at risk, which makes you vulnerable)...in our hearts and in our fears. So if someone's clueless enough to talk to you about "useless humans"...you know that's not a conversation to extend.

It was the trying to persuade her that caused the pain, I think. And my guess is her anger was triggered by a moment of shame, perhaps. Either way, I'd lose interest in exploring her thinking...because it's toxic to YOU.

Take care of yourself, and don't take those attitudes IN. It must have felt personal, but it probably wasn't meant that way. She was just speaking out of normal self-absorption, and from her personal experience of being around the very old, bed-bound, helpless old. It's a shame but I think many of those workers do become callous, perhaps to emotionally survive.

I'm really sorry her tale and her opinions appeared in your ear!

Please dust out your ears, let that conversation go away as quickly as you can. Okay, what's it going to be?

Tea and telly? More reminders of nature and the beautiful empathy and community behavior and humane attitudes that are ALSO appearing everywhere? Don't forget them. You are part of THEM. Keep calm and carry on.

Big hugs,
Hops

PS -- She may be a friend, but she's also a prat. Prats often get angry when we say something that gives them an unexpected look at an ugly side of themselves. That's on her too....not your problem. It's good to acknowledge the hurt you felt when she reacted that way. See it and then...intentionally release it, so it doesn't spoil your day.

[Twoapenny]

Lol, thanks, Hops, I didn't know 'prat' is a word in America, too   Lol.  Yes, you are right, I've talked it through with another friend on the phone, good friend, it's not even so much that she sees the situation differently to me, it was more that she got angry with me about it and hung up.  That was the bit that shook and baffled me.  But yes, my ears are dusted out, I am levelling myself out again.  It just baffled me a bit.  It is weird how people don't leave jobs once they get bitter about them.  I can remember working with teachers who hated kids - they were just so sick of the system and so many years of not being appreciated, I think, but I didn't understand why they kept doing the job.  I gave up waitressing years ago because I'd got to the point where I didn't care whether people enjoyed their dinner or not.  I think that's always the time to leave.

But yes.  I am comfort eating pasta.  I've got plenty to get on with today, and I will put the music on loud, check in on nice people, enjoy the sun on my face through the window (it's bloody cold out but the sun is lovely if you're inside).  And yes, do not engage is the rule.  I think I didn't even realise I was engaging until she hung up.  I honestly thought she just hadn't been keeping up with what's going on and was working in the dark.  But I will keep future conversations to people I know won't get angry with me for expressing a desire to, at the very least, let people die comfortable with someone they love by their side. Sheesh.

I'm adding 'Americans say prat' to my list of things I didn't know.  I have also discovered that there is another town the same name as the one my sister lives in, a couple of hundred miles from where she is (I didn't know that before).  And that my nan on my dad's side was one of the first people to fly from England to America when they first started doing transatlantic flights!  There is apparently a newspaper clipping somewhere that my brother is trying to find for me.  I should start a list of new information I discover whilst on lockdown.  Lol.  Thank you for being there.  I appreciate the support very much xx

[Hopalong]

I shall appoint myself your old Yank sister or more likely Yank auntie!

Your description of the sudden shock of her getting angry made a lot of sense, too. If you have one small toe on the spectrum, despite your deep loving values, you might be approaching such a conversation with REASON, believing that EXPLAINING moral things works on folks like her. But consider Trump/Johnson voters. (No, don't! It's depressing!)

I absolutely loved what you said about serving tables. "I didn't care whether they enjoyed their dinner or not." It's lovely and wonderful that once you realized that, you decided it wasn't appropriate to continue the job. However, people less connected to logic than you are might have been content to just fake it, with their social signals manufactured and insincere. (And their diners feeling vaguely less content because the server's core indifference still seeped through.)

One of the most wonderful things about you, Tupp, imo, is that you never fake anything. You are utterly genuine and honest and forthright all the way through. That's a characteristic of those with wee spectrum traits that is so often under-appreciated.

I see you! And I think you're fantastic.

Hugs and happier day,
Hops

PS -- Yanks don't say "prat." I'm just an Anglophile; lived in London for six months. I was channeling my inner Brit. (Not brat.) LOL.

[Twoapenny]

I shall appoint myself your old Yank sister or more likely Yank auntie!

Your description of the sudden shock of her getting angry made a lot of sense, too. If you have one small toe on the spectrum, despite your deep loving values, you might be approaching such a conversation with REASON, believing that EXPLAINING moral things works on folks like her. But consider Trump/Johnson voters. (No, don't! It's depressing!)

I absolutely loved what you said about serving tables. "I didn't care whether they enjoyed their dinner or not." It's lovely and wonderful that once you realized that, you decided it wasn't appropriate to continue the job. However, people less connected to logic than you are might have been content to just fake it, with their social signals manufactured and insincere. (And their diners feeling vaguely less content because the server's core indifference still seeped through.)

One of the most wonderful things about you, Tupp, imo, is that you never fake anything. You are utterly genuine and honest and forthright all the way through. That's a characteristic of those with wee spectrum traits that is so often under-appreciated.

I see you! And I think you're fantastic.

Hugs and happier day,
Hops

PS -- Yanks don't say "prat." I'm just an Anglophile; lived in London for six months. I was channeling my inner Brit. (Not brat.) LOL.

Ah, I can't have that on my list of new knowledge now then, curses!  Lol.

Thank you for your kind words.  It means a lot.  I am still feeling very fluffy tummied, which I hate.  It will pass, but I find it hard to get on with other things until it does.  I will keep at it, though.  I realised what I really didn't like is that she's not phoned up with words of support or just to have a friendly, breezy chat.  It was her line of conversation, not mine, that took us down that path, and to say those things and then hang up was just nasty.  It's kind of popped my 'surviving indoors' bubble so I need to go off now to fix it.

In other news - we are having fish and chips for tea, home made.  I've got some nice music on.  I will do some yoga later, but I have to wait for my dinner to go down first   Thank you again xx

[Twoapenny]

I have made some cakes for pudding

[Hopalong]

I want some!

[lighter]

Hi, Tupp:

What are you going to do to those cakes that turns them into pudding?


And.... I'm sorry your "friend" was reactive during your phone call with her. Crisis brings out the best and worst in humans, IME.  Maybe she'd be following Jack if she was in the Lord of the Flies book, instead of Ralph.  Sometimes people surprise us.  I'm trying really hard not to judge... just notice and not get sucked into those conversations, whick leave me whobbly and upset too.  I'm trying to see everything and just let it go by.  I guess we have a chance to practice with the tools T gave us.

I've been shaken pretty badly by similar conversations.  Like Hops said... we should avoid those conversations.  I guess we have a chance to use some of our EMDR tools to get rid of the flutters and tension in our bodies.

Hops:

My sister sent gloves and masks...one with a splash guard.  Thanks for the videos... I am interested and tried to make a splash guard, but the material was too thin.
 I put it all down, and just haven't left the house yet. 

I want to plant a garden and have shallots sprouting.... will plant today, or tomorrow.  Did you know shallots produce 6 sets for every set you plant?  I did not know that, but look forward to that harvest.

Now, I need to make a list of other things I want to plant and check with neighbors... trade seeds and seedlings. One neighbor offered to plant things for me in his little sunny patch.  I really like him.  I'd like to avoid having to spend 4 bucks per tomato plant this year.

I'm finishing up the ham bean soup.  Added more beans and made rice to go with  it.  Honoring every drop of food brings me comfort.  The same with the pasta sauce.
 Today I'm making an Italian dish called pasta with potatoes.  Italians pronounce it  (pasta with po tahtuh) is a good way to change things up and finish it.  I don't want to waste or freeze anything.  You make a thin broth from the tomatoes, onions, garlic... I added jalapenos for some heat cause I like it.  After the potato chunks cook to soft, you cook only the pasta you'll eat at that meal in the broth, bc it gets soggy as leftovers.  Squish the potatoes into the broth to thicken it as you like in your bowl. The Italians add hot oil made from homegrown little purple peppers SO HOT, but amazingly delicious.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

I want some!

Lol, they're not great, Hops, I'm not a good baker, pretty dry but it was something sweet to have after dinner.  I did chocolate topping on them and son said they looked like piles of poo in paper cases   Lol xx

[lighter]

Hops:

Neighbors have started the bear hunt!  I put 2 items in the windows.  If this takes off I'll hide different things in the yard, like a scavenger hunt and move them around daily.

Thanks for that idea. 

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Hi, Tupp:

What are you going to do to those cakes that turns them into pudding?


And.... I'm sorry your "friend" was reactive during your phone call with her. Crisis brings out the best and worst in humans, IME.  Maybe she'd be following Jack if she was in the Lord of the Flies book, instead of Ralph.  Sometimes people surprise us.  I'm trying really hard not to judge... just notice and not get sucked into those conversations, whick leave me whobbly and upset too.  I'm trying to see everything and just let it go by.  I guess we have a chance to practice with the tools T gave us.

I've been shaken pretty badly by similar conversations.  Like Hops said... we should avoid those conversations.  I guess we have a chance to use some of our EMDR tools to get rid of the flutters and tension in our bodies.

Hops:

My sister sent gloves and masks...one with a splash guard.  Thanks for the videos... I am interested and tried to make a splash guard, but the material was too thin.
 I put it all down, and just haven't left the house yet. 

I want to plant a garden and have shallots sprouting.... will plant today, or tomorrow.  Did you know shallots produce 6 sets for every set you plant?  I did not know that, but look forward to that harvest.

Now, I need to make a list of other things I want to plant and check with neighbors... trade seeds and seedlings. One neighbor offered to plant things for me in his little sunny patch.  I really like him.  I'd like to avoid having to spend 4 bucks per tomato plant this year.

I'm finishing up the ham bean soup.  Added more beans and made rice to go with  it.  Honoring every drop of food brings me comfort.  The same with the pasta sauce.
 Today I'm making an Italian dish called pasta with potatoes.  Italians pronounce it  (pasta with po tahtuh) is a good way to change things up and finish it.  I don't want to waste or freeze anything.  You make a thin broth from the tomatoes, onions, garlic... I added jalapenos for some heat cause I like it.  After the potato chunks cook to soft, you cook only the pasta you'll eat at that meal in the broth, bc it gets soggy as leftovers.  Squish the potatoes into the broth to thicken it as you like in your bowl. The Italians add hot oil made from homegrown little purple peppers SO HOT, but amazingly delicious.

Lighter

The food sounds yummy, Lighter, and I love the idea of trading seeds with people.  There are definitely habits I'm acquiring at the minute that I want to keep up once this is over.  Especially the idea of doing one online shop, once a week, and then only eating that.  I've lost weight, I can feel my trousers are a bit looser, and I am really appreciating what we have in now and stretching it out into different meals.  Eating more fruit and veg as well.  The cakes are just cakes; it's just called pudding because it's what you have after your meal but they're just normal cupcakes (albeit dry ones that look like poo stacks).  Lol.

Yes, the phone call. It had really bothered me all afternoon.  I've tried to work through it, work past it, ignore it, but it was still really troubling me and I couldn't work out what it was.  Other people have said thoughtless things, many people here don't think it matters if old people die from it, or disabled people.  It's unpleasant, but I've got thick skinned and I can usually brush past it quickly.  This really got under my skin and I suddenly realised, it's because I feel like I'm being punished for doing the right thing - speaking up for those who need defending and reading factually based information about the current situation so I can keep my son as safe and well as possible.  Putting the phone down or not speaking is an old trick of my mother's - I will not listen to your point of view, I will not validate what you say, you are not towing the line with my viewpoint so I shall reject you very firmly and completely.  It triggered something very deep, and as soon as I realised that, it went.  Feel fine now, and looking forward to some online tai chi!  Because interestingly my left shoulder is hurting - it's one of the problem areas we worked on in EMDR and it's really sore now.  Going to work to loosen it up.

Enjoy the planting xx xx

[Hopalong]

HI Lighter,
I first heard the idea on my local neighborhood's Nextdoor.com site.

If you're not familiar with it, it's a great way to broadcast a message/request/whatever to either your nearby neighborhood only, or to the whole city. Takes one click to set it to wherever you want it to go. And there's lots of supportive coronavirus stuff. (Loads of misinformation too, par for the course.)

I sent a little summary of the Bear Hunt idea (crediting the local mother who first asked for bears) to the whole city.

I just kept thinking about how easy it is to bring young children happiness and distract them, and what a relief it might be for exhausted parents to take them for a walk where the parents just need to encourage "Hunt for the bears!" instead of having to keep up a running commentary. And then how the little ones would get home all tired out, which might give the parents a break (hopefully).

Enjoy!

Hops

[Hopalong]

And thank god for the Irish:

https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v%3D8BA9eTXwGIk&source=gmail&ust=1585614735607000&usg=AFQjCNFl3jEzGegb-u5erPGpsgQ0od7BHg

[Twoapenny]

And thank god for the Irish:

https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v%3D8BA9eTXwGIk&source=gmail&ust=1585614735607000&usg=AFQjCNFl3jEzGegb-u5erPGpsgQ0od7BHg

Lol, he's hilarious, there are some really funny videos being posted at the moment, they make the day easier to get through

Son and I went on two virtual rides at Universal Studios this morning which was really good fun.  I'm thinking we can do virtual plans of places we want to visit whilst locked down and make good use of the time.

My sense of time has gone completely; I'd done various jobs this morning that usually take me until lunchtime to get done but it was only 8.30am   Just shows how much time is taken up with the endless faff of getting out of the house and catching all those buses.

I thought we'd had a parcel stolen from our front door step and was feeling a little down as it meant I'd have to re-order everything and it was quite expensive (about £80 of vitamin supplements, son's and mine usual supply).  But it has transpired that they were wrongly delivered to another house on the same road so I am hoping someone can fetch them for me.  Felt much happier about that.

My step-brother has called to tell me my mum has broken her back and there is no hospital bed for her.  He has learning disabilities so does get muddled with things and I am hoping it isn't as severe as he is saying, but I can't get hold of my sister which is unusual and makes me wonder if there has been a crisis and she's over there trying to sort it out.  I just wish my mum hadn't been so stupid and stubborn all these years and had just made a little effort to get some help and sort herself out a bit.  I know it's pointless to wish for and I know with her condition (assuming it's NPD) that she's not able to see there's something wrong and ask for help but she really could have had a much happier and more comfortable life than the one she's been having for the last fifteen years or so.  Sad and unnecessary.

It's sunny but cold.  I am keeping away from news now - I've taken all the precautions I am able to, we're being sensible and there's nothing more I can do so I don't want to know too much more now.  There's another website I use where someone is posting relevant bulletins each day so I can scan through that for a factual update and avoid all the individual stories and pictures of kids who no longer have a mum and medical staff living in camper vans so that they don't infect their children.  Facebook equally so - I'm helping a friend with a group for people who are struggling with their disabled kids being off school so I'm checking that once an hour in case anyone needs anything but other than that no scrolling.  Mind must be kept focused!

I've got very delicious baked potato with a huge salad for lunch, my absolute favourite.  Food has become the main focus of my day now!  Will make some more cookies later.

The cute ginger cat visited the back garden this morning and when I went out there he literally jumped into my arms.  He is so sweet and usually has all passersby fussing over him so I think he's missing the attention with so few people about.  There are loads of cats visiting the garden; I think the lack of noise is making them all bolder.  I managed to get an online order in for cat food with the local shop so that should be arriving today.  Food wise we're good and well stocked up now and the supermarkets seem to be getting back to normal for the time being.

[Twoapenny]

Absolutely nothing wrong with my mum, my sister spoke to her this morning and she's not got even an ache, I really wish I just didn't care at all.

[Hopalong]

I get it, ((((Tupp)))).

News of my D's troubles (even outdated) sends me into
pain for days. So I stay away from her online crumbs.
Now and then I fall into the hole of pondering her online
tidbits and it does her no good, nor me.

hugs and empathy,
Hops