Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Friendship Moments: good or bad

<< < (22/33) > >>

Hopalong:
Lighter, I did see the Sikh. Being around him is like sitting next to a clear creek with a little waterfall up the mountain feeding it. It was really good to reconnect and I'll be seeing him monthly for a while. I gave him the unvarnished view of "depths to which I'd sunk" (about my home) and felt completely free to tell it like it is. He interrupts sometimes but with wise questions. Mostly along the lines of defining what I want.

He's a gift. Had a nice blue turban on, with a blue shirt. He's handsome, too. :)

hugs
Hops

PS -- Present for y'all: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FciQeRGYFlw

lighter:
Hops:  I'm glad the Sikh is seeing patients face to face....and a little jealous.  My T stopped some time ago. 

Lighter

Hopalong:
Welp, things came to a head with Poet.
Good news to start. She made her annual visit to see me and celebrate my bday, and to reunite with poet friends here. I was very happy she was coming. I planned a "Lazy Women's Open House/Winery" from 2-5 that Sunday, said RSVP appreciated but not required, and 20 dear people came. For me there is nothing, really nothing, happier than seeing people I love meet and enjoy other people I love. That's exactly what happened and it was my PHamily and all holidays I avoid transmogrified into one happy occasion. Several wrote me afterward to say what a wonderful group, etc.

The not good news was that Poet became more irritable with each day and near the end of the week blew up at me after I nicely asked her to use the bathroom fan (steam) and not hang damp towels on the (antique) bed. I think she's unhappy generally, has gained a lot of weight so doesnt feel beautiful, and is struggling to deal with aging vulnerabilities.

I get it. But she can also be controlling and condescending and issues lectures all the time. Errrgh. For me, the thing that hit was being railed at about "not knowing the proper social protocol for how to treat a guest who should be left the fuck alone!" Meaning, don't ask me about wet towels.

I was speechless but got her to the airport graciously. Still, it festered. So I wrote her a letter explaining exactly how I felt about her railing and cursing at me and a few other moments. Maybe it's because she's British but she's very class conscious, so when I introduced her to the immigrant cleaner who is an angel in my life she brushed past her with a grunt.

Anyhow, she wrote back saying we just need "not to dwell" with more manipulative stuff, and I didn't budge. She said she spent a lot of money to come, blah blah. I replied I feel no guilt about what she chose to spend any more than she should feel about my expenditures to host her, get her list of groceries, treat her to meals (she took me out for a nice dinner) or drive her out to her favorite nostalgia places in the country. Because she bailed out of her promise to rent a car, I drove. Then she said she needed to visit a different friend next year and I said that was a good idea.

Later she apologized and after a couple of tries I told her I do love her but not her denial and minimizing. I'm letting it go, but am in no hurry to host her again if ever. The lecture on propriety combined with a nasty verbal attack was the last straw. Last visit it was her blowup over me not having a "normal" lifestyle, etc. I've fforgiven but not forgotten.

So there it is. I'm glad I stood up for myself. She's very sad about it now and I'm sad too. But not half as sad as I'd be if I didn't say anything.

Depending how it goes, I'll find out if I still have a close friend or if it all was an act. Either way I'll be okay. I hope she will be too because I do care about her. But when the T a year or so back said, "I think she takes too much," now I know what she meant.

Hugs
Hops

lighter:
Well.....
sounds like her stuff rubbed up against your stuff, Hops.  Not personal.... feeling's aren't right and wrong. They just are.

And....it sounds like shame is behind Poet's outburst......and she's course, loud and unable to be a considerate guest.....  So much for class consciousness.

That she didn't break down, apologize, then giggle with you about it, means......
she ain't over it.  And maybe has zero sense of humor. Can't be sure, from here.

I do think it's mostly about her tho, Hops.  That mean streak, of hers, would repel any thoughts of seeing her, face to face, anytime soon, unless she
got
real
honest and giggly about it.  I've been on both sides of it, with female friends.  Maybe come up with a secret code word for when the wheels start coming off.  A "take a break" code word.  I suggest pineapple, but you do you.

I'm glad the wine night went well.  Sounds so nice!!!

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Methinks too many people are carrying around some sort of "super-secret" (they think) life or death level intensity over their personal situations/problems - that they neither accept or try to resolve (Tupp called it on that one!). Instead of laying all those cards out on the table, airing them out, they try to stuff it even further deep down into a dark, dank well of yuck. Unfortunately, that breeds resentment that leads to hair-trigger emotional reactivity. I've been seeing this from some surprising people lately.

And I'm just not interested in being around that these days. Once someone starts accusing, blaming, making mountains out of molehills... they stop hearing. And aren't even saying anything communicative... just ranting until they run out of steam, and fall into "woe is me".

Better to have some space between you for awhile... time will help... and maybe take a step back from "close friendship" to being a bit more formal or removed? If it's meant to be close, it will be - but perhaps it isn't a constant state of things; maybe it will vary over the years.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page