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Friendship Moments: good or bad

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lighter:
Interesting she mentioned the relationship between you "not feeling the same either."

She's, imo, inching towards her cliff, fearful of falling....reaching out to you, hopeful you'll rescue/react/comfort her, as per usual.

And she understands....she rebuffed you, when you reached out, uncertain, in pain, trying to connect. She's skirting it.....

I guess she tossed in....
 "that little abandoned child, without friends or people around her...."
to activate your compassion.  I'd say she's weaponizing it, but I don't really know.

If it was me..... I'd resist the pattern to rush in and save her.  I think that's your plan.

I'd get very curious about how much compassion she extends, or not.

How she reacts to your changing up responses to her request for comfort, and reassurance.  Punishment, cruelty or dysregulation speaks to trauma bonding, IME.

Observe.  Ask questions.  Honestly assess, and accept what you find.
AAA....assess, accept, act.

She'll always be there, on her terms, so no need to fear, she'll disappear, if you decide you want to preserve this connection, no matter what.

You decide if thinge can shift, some, and what you're willing to make do with.....to hang on to the connection.

Her distress will be the best chance of focusing her attention and discussing what's real......I think.  Otherwise, she bats discomfort away with a dismissive assignment of blame.....and you're always going to be the flawed one, imo.

I'm curious if she can peek at her actions....if she can accept she's been hurtful and dysregulated......
or not.

Her message seems to be an invitation, to return to old patterns, I think.  You're welcome to tend to her......but on her terms.

What about your terms?  Reciprocity? You deserve kindness.....honesty.....to be on your own side, as priority, most of all.

What does that look like, in this friendship?  What do you want it to look like?

Lighter

Hopalong:
Yep. Yep. Yep.

I'm SO much less stressed since I let it all blow through. I went from acute fear of loss (thanks, Nmom) to feeling lighter, happier and more optimistic. In just days.
Poet's cries of anguish are always extreme ("hell and death") and very dark. I don't doubt at all that this is truly how she feels. Tragically. The change is that I no longer feel agonized that I am not able to heal her agony. I accept fully that I can't fix her. Don't even want to try, now. I am a slow learner, but once I get it, it'll remain clear if I don't remain mindful of all these lessons.

I told her if she'd like to call or Zoom, I can listen and still care. It's true. I'm just not going to drain myself with any more urgent efforts to get her to see herself. (It's "Gosh, what do you think you're going to do?" time.) Maybe her experiences have been so agonizing that she can never heal herself, or she's still charming/disarming her T. Or her fear of facing awful memories (shame triggers) is so extreme that she avoids/deflects/lashes out, whatever. For that, I have compassion, but I am on guard against re-enmeshment. I am not available as a punching bag.

Her random rage or shame-spurt helped me back way off and look. As have you, Lighter. And Amber too.

I did think one image she wrote was poetic and powerful: "...the monster of the empty sky" -- it must be an awful way to feel. I've never known anyone with such terror of their own company. And it's very sad. But not mine to fix.

I hope she gets a dog.

hugs and thanks,
Hops
PS--Appreciate you bringing up reciprocity, especially when it comes to kindness and honesty. I DO want that in order to co-create a healthy friendship. With Poet, and one other old friend (the Hollywood-adjacent one) the kindness is usually there, but not the honesty. So, I'm more detached from both, and enjoying theh prospect of finding new friends. I don't want to plunge back into my old codependent stuff, and intend to work more consistently to NOTICE when it starts to kick up.

lighter:
Oh, bother.....it really does boil down to co-dependent brain ruts, doesn't it?

My brain wanted to complicate it....see it different ways, add and subtract, but it's just old ruts....and climbing out, me'thinks.

You're out.....well done, ((Hops.))

New pathways built stronger, yup yup yup.

Lighter

Hopalong:
She is dwelling in terror, because he's not in the house. She wrote again, veering from what-will-I-do-when-he-dies to maybe-a-dog to saw-my-D (but she had pain so I felt irrelevant), etc. I've noticed before that when someone is ill or hurting around her she gets impatient, even irritated. It's odd.

We might zoom tomorrow. I don't feel much about it except the sense that for me, things are and will be different. I'm going to be kind but not solicitous. Gentle and not attached to an outcome. Present and calm. Open but not vulnerable.

It's sinking in that I didn't realize just how unstable she feels, and sometimes acts. I think she's heading for or in crisis, and I don't want to dedicate myself to being the main answer. She does have friends there and a good T she trusts, so I hope she'll also turn to them.

hugs
Hops

PS--Ugh. Right after I wrote the above I had one chest pain, tachycardia and broke into a sweat. Combined, those can be heart attack if it doesn't stop in five minutes, but I think it's settling down. They are also combined with some panic attacks. So I don't know which it is/was, but don't feel like heading for the ER. If it recurs I will though.

What might be true is all this thinking about Poet's darkness and chaos is scary for me. I don't want to join her and I wish I didn't feel this way about the Zoom.

sKePTiKal:
It might be handy to have a tech glitch around the time of the zoom, Hops. Yeah, it's dishonest. BUT if it's causing this level of anxiety/stress reaction - honor YOUR NEEDS first. Better a white lie, than a trip to the ER.

Now, about poet-friends N-spot(s)... what Lighter has written is insightfully (probably) true. YOU are to be THERE FOR HER... to meet her needs... but when you express a need for connection (with boundaries)... she nosedives. And catastrophizes. Dramatizing her emotional situation as bait to reel you back in. You sense this, don't you? I'm pretty sure you do. Even commiserating, her needs are more important than yours.

She has plenty of resources to help her, if she's heading into a crisis. She can even call her maligned husband; just because he's away doesn't mean he's dead yet. I think I'll prescribe for you a message: "I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must suck. What are you going to do about it?"

A significant chunk of "fear of being alone" is based on not trusting oneself... which starts with accepting your weak spots/coping mechanisms/self-sabotage. Yep; that requires dealing with any shame that exists too, as well as taking accountability for the self-created Hell... AND DOING SOMETHING DIFFERENT. A lot of the time, this fear is based on what someone's imagination creates and NOT on reality. But a person doesn't ever know that until they walk that.

Maybe she needs help doing that; that's what her T is for. You, aren't her T. Not your job to help her "see the light". You aren't responsible for how she got this way either. So you shouldn't shoulder the burden of consoling her, keeping her company, or showing her the path that's hers alone to walk. (Fact is: you can't truly know HER path... just see common elements that we all deal with.)

Yeah, my compassion well is on the dry side these days. So many people have been sipping at it. Being an introvert at nature... I minimize my contact with those who are "needy" and spend time meeting my own needs as best I can. I get quiet; don't interact; focus on my own transient or lingering feelings. Crawl into the turtle shell until I have more energy for that kind of interacting again. It certainly feels good to me. Other people can take a number and exceptions will be made for people who reciprocate.

It's important not to just focus on the inward universe on this topic; but also look at what you're DOING in the outward one... it's kinda amazing what you might stumble across in the process.

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