Friendship Moments: good or bad

[sKePTiKal]

I think we're all trying to learn how to see these people sooner, Hops. It's kinda programmed into us to give the benefit of the doubt and second chances. But that conditioning didn't include the criteria for giving that to people while getting little to nothing in return.

[Hopalong]

Exactly, Amber. You are so sane, and that inspires me.

I think some of it is that I have been a broken person (it's a FT project and I accept that) who is/was drawn to other broken people. Sometimes, I think broken or formerly-broken people can and do heal each other in ways. Hell, we all try to do that here.

But there needs to be steady respect for another's broken bits. They can be jagged.

Lately, I withdraw faster when I feel octopus tentacles coming my way. That's with new people, mainly. With long-established relationships, the attachment is stronger.

But, this bout with Poet taught me I have better boundaries than I used to. I just will not be the target of nasty temper outbursts, and if anyone's going to take my gentleness as weakness, well I'm stronger than I knew.

Thanks in very large part to y'all here. My gratitude is boundless, truly.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Complete this sentence: even broken people........


- can fix themselves (mostly)
- still have broken bits that surface under stress or emotional pain
- are doing the best they can, within their capabilities (which vary a LOT)


Your turn!  <grin>

[Hopalong]

- can become Kintsugi

Love your list, Amber!

I feel clear that the friendship crisis is past, now. But still feeling the aftermath, mostly some increased anxiety in general. And just the effects of shock. I realized that I didn't know a toxic part of her, and her explosion shook me to the core. If a "best friend" can do that, or felt entitled to in order to relieve her own discomfort, who is safe?

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

How're you feeling today, Hops?

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Lighter, sorry for the delay.

I feel much better, not anxious about it any more, just letting a new reality settle in.
I'm just stunned at how ready (eager?) I was to believe this was genuine loving friendship. And, in ways, it has been. Her simmering rage was out of my sight, imo.

I just don't know where that decision comes, that accepting or not pushing back against abuse is a good thing. This is what she's done to herself, and I can now see that the justified rage anyone could feel about having been abused as a child, beaten by a husband, date-raped, etc etc -- could erupt in moments of shame-trigger or fatigue. That's what I think has happened to Poet. I don't judge or blame her for being too afraid to examine/heal it, though I profoundly wish she'd try.

I feel I understand it. The reality that remains for me is that unguarded, wide-open trust is no longer appropriate in this relationship. So sadly, that's changed forever. But I can accept it and still love her, and communicate with more formal (as Amber mentioned) and also lighter exchanges. It'll be good to have a year off from visits now. Or two.

I think the being-alone crucible she's going through right now could be transformative if she lets it. I wish she could find some peace. She reports nonstop plans to see people so she isn't fully alone. I get that too though I can't do it myself.

But to your question: I feel okay. Rebalanced. Thanks much for ALL the support and insight.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

It makes me sad.....
to notice things board members have accepted, as love, or parts of love, wrestling with it, like some live thing, when really..... it's just malformed......beliefs.....about love/earning love,  and worthiness.  Esp when it involves parents.

I guess the, often very toxic people, board members struggle with, are in the middle of their own struggles, involving childhood trauma.

Some people do more, or less, harm in the world.  Some people (perpetrate?) more or less kindness/help in the world, but it comes down to neeeeeed, doesn't it?  Needing things to be different.......
Choosing people, broken in familiar ways, so one can change past outcomes, in the present.  That's what happens, right?

Poet's abusive husband reminds her of a childhood trauma, she's trying to change, in the present....right?  Your relationship, with Poet, is/was about trying to change/heal relationships/trauma in your past....right?

That's pretty complicated, if one needs to go back, find the origin trauma, and heal it, rather than refile one person, and decide they'll simply install boundaries, practice and enforce them.  Difficult to do, and not repeat..... if the struggle is about past yearning to fix old trauma overlayed onto present relationships......right?

It was niggling thing, for me, to notice what past small transgressions, I had allowed years and years ago....bc they lead to larger transgressions.

 Some I let slide, some I didn't, but my blindness......my ability to ignore, shut out, explain away..... honestly not feel bothered by, in some astonishing cases....or......
accept, in other astonishing cases.....
that was all mine to discern and own.



Once we know better, we can do better.

There's 5 trucks, including 2 dump trucks, and various equipment he hauling flatbeds, on my street....I think working at the cowboy's house. 
::calculating cash on hand::.
Maybe I can get some stuff done too!

I'm glad you're feeling less anxious,((Hops.)) Will likely come and go, ebb and flow, until something clicks.....heals that needful part, IME.  Then, will feel like an old key,burning in an ancient lock.  Calm and done ness.....zero desire to think about it for another minute, I think.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I think the reason I for now choose to "still love her" (unless she acts out unsafely again) and to try to "understand" her aren't really self-abnegation, but the core remnants of my religious upbringing. I'm not abandoning myself for codependency, though I'll observe and resist it in ways that make sense to me.

I didn't throw the baby out with the bathwater when I let go of a traditional faith, but kept the single core idea, which is enough for me. Super simple. Golden Rule. For me, after years of confusion and angst, I worked out that faith simply means "experience trust." Not foolish naive blind stupid trust, but a general trust in possibility. Not expecting it, but always allowing for it. I'm home in agnosticism, which is for me optimistic. Not worried about it; it's probably just Universe.

hugs
Hops

PS I learned a lot from all this. Not obsessing, not even regretting. Well, we all regret pain. But this was an obvious and helpful lesson. What stays with me is the fact that I stood up, pushed back and refused ill treatment. With clarity in the moment, not just afterward. All those things are good for me, not wasted.