Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Friendship Moments: good or bad
Twoapenny:
Puppy sounds like he'll be a good distraction if things get intense when your friend visits, Hops :)
I have found it very difficult to disentangle myself from friends when they're hell bent on staying in whichever loop they're in. It's different when someone's in a situation they can't get out of - bereavement, for example. Or if they're working their way through it all and need some help with that. But watching people self destruct, brush themselves down and go back for more is hard. Especially when they're in a situation they could walk away from. But - we've all got our situations to deal with. Hopefully it will be a nice few days with plenty of puppy fun and poetry. Maybe not too much of the heavy stuff xx
Hopalong:
Pup therapy plus poetry sounds like the BEST recipe for my summer, Tupp!
Thanks, hon.
xxoo
hugs
Hops
Hopalong:
How did you know things WOULD get intense during her visit, Tupp? Psychic!
Overall we've had a very good time, but things went south yesterday. Despite loads of correspondence in advance during which I'd lovingly explained to her that she WOULD be on her own during the mornings (my long-term, upside-down sleep), I had one afternoon where I was so wiped out (after the evening before spent arranging a celebration for her with other poet friends at a winery, which got verrrry complicated because she demanded a reservation in AC which they didn't offer -- we stayed on a huge veranda with fans and the temperature did ease off after about an hour) -- I told her I would also have to rest again during the afternoon.
She basically had a refined tantrum, and began lecturing me on how I'm not NORMAL. I don't have a NORMAL schedule and don't do things the way NORMAL people do, etc etc etc. I asked her gently, "What do you need from me?" and she said "I need COMPANY!" This goes back to her absolute panic about being alone and soothing herself. Unfortunately, by the time she'd lectured me about NORMAL, using the word vehemently about 10 times, I'd had it. I was hurt and angry.
I know she might get bored, stuck here. But I didn't cause the heat wave and she didn't follow up on multiple ideas she'd agreed to before she came: make lunch dates with old friends (she made one), ride the bus (there's a stop a block away), go downtown and enjoy a cafe or the library, etc. She didn't do one thing to cushion herself from the terror of not being with someone (iow, me) at all times.
And when I sat with her for another hour despite how tired I was, she would just play Sodoku or whatever, and I felt like a nanny. She was (horrors) beginning to remind me of my Nmom, who likewise needed a constant audience. And bossy to boot.
I'm saddened by this and afraid our friendship may be winding down. When it's good, her intelligence and empathy have meant a lot to me. But maybe it's really mostly a one-way street.
Or maybe I just can't deal with criticism. Her criticisms aren't unrealistic -- I HAVE gotten into some awful spirals in recent years. I've been very open with her. It's a vulnerability, though, and I feel as though when she doesn't want to face herself, she projects her stuff into others. And has no idea how condescending and controlling she can be. Or, it's the only way she knows how to feel safe. (I guess, too, she was hitting me where it hurts, because my dysfunctional lifestyle is often something I feel bad about. Then again, I live alone and owe nobody else control.)
Ah, well. I hope it heals over time but this was our first big rift. It reminded me of how, when M was frustrated with me, he would go off into a scathing monologue about my faults and just slice, slice, slice. By the tenth time she said "NORMAL" I was ready to blow. And then of course I was too upset to rest anyway.
Wound up driving her to the mountains to see her old house, which I was happy to do, but both Pup and I were beyond exhausted when we got home. She leaves tomorrow and this afternoon we're taking my dear oldest friend to a movie, which should be nice. "Thelma."
Sad hugs,
Hops
Twoapenny:
Hmph. Well, my two cents, for what they're worth.
There is nothing at all wrong with your sleep cycle/lifestyle/needs or anything else. It's sleep, not some bizarre demand you make of other people. You have your routine and it's what keeps you ticking over, functioning, getting on with what you need and want to do. It's got sweet bleep bleep to do with anybody else, particularly when you factor in heat, age (I don't mean that in a rude way but we all tire more easily as we get older) and organising/socialising and just having someone else around 24/7. I get tired after a few hours, you've had days of this. So all this faff about normal can get in the bin, quite frankly.
Secondly, if we are going to talk about normal, it is not normal for a grown ass woman to be incapable of spending a few hours alone and/or being aware and responsive to someone else's efforts. There is no reason she couldn't have gone for a walk, watched a film, read a book, wandered off to the library for a bit or anything else. Not start shouting and being such a spoilt brat. She sounds like she could have done with a nap herself.
What she should have been doing, in my opinion, is thanking you for everything you've done and organised, including all the driving about and taking care to keep the noise down so you could catch up on some sleep.
Frankly, she sounds horrible. She dumps on you with the endless husband drama, she behaves like a child when you've already done so much for her over these few days and was she not also the one who got all huffy about you wanting to keep physical space during the pandemic? I remember something about a six feet apart walk that caused anger, was that her?
I hope you do get to catch up on some sleep once she's gone and that you don't give yourself a hard time about this. She's behaved very badly, I'm finding myself hoping that pup has a poo in her purse :) Lol xx
Hopalong:
Two cents if they're made of gold, Tupp. Thank you so very much. Sometimes having someone be indignant on your behalf wipes away pain in a nanosecond. Thank you, truly.
She wasn't the one who pitched a hissyfit about my plans for meeting safely in the pandemic (which I was so proud of). That was my other friend who couldn't handle not having everything Just the Way She Wanted.
A beneficial path for me to ponder is WHY have I chosen and/or attracted so many people who are self absorbed in such an overt way into my life? Is it just the obvious thing everyone here knows by heart: how due to Ntraits in one parent or another we were trained to soothe, placate or cater to people who are either very needy or to whom we are so kind that they feel entitled around us, etc?
I know I'm a kind person and very loyal friend. So when somebody unloads on me implying I'm not NORMAL (because in that moment they want something I'm resistant or unable to give) I really feel ... crap feelings.
But. I also think my vaunted sensitivity includes sensitivity to criticism which could be constructive. One thing Poet was going on and on about was how the "normal" routines would improve my life, basically. And about that, she's right. I just had been struggling with other personality nuances that were revealing themselves all week, that I'm sure come from her personal deep, deep insecurities. She was determined to dress up and Make An Entrance at the gathering I'd invited all her local poet friends to. She put on an elegant outfit and looked lovely and I told her so sincerely. Then she went "are you sure?" over and over. THEN she pressured me to also dress up (for her it's very feminine, elegant style that isn't my style). Repeated it. I said "why does it matter to you what I wear?" and she said "do it for me." I was feeling major Nmom vibes. But to placate her I made an effort and looked quite good, if I say so myself. One of the poets asked me if I'd ever modeled, and I said "only naked, for an artist." Jeez.
I know how painfully damaged she was by abuse from an adult male at a village latrine in Africa. I believe it scarred her terribly and she's avoided dealing with it deeply her whole life. Hence, a first husband who beat her (she laughs about it -- laughs about a lot of dark things) and her current partner who's verbally cruel and cutting at least weekly.
So my heart is wrung by all that for her. Just comes moments where I'm tired of the manifestations of how she overcompensates for the damage. Simplest example is one my Nmom had, so pretty triggering -- lecturing. All the time. She issues instructions and flat statements about How Things Will Be Done. I bristle. Etc etc.
Anyhow, first thing I said after our argument was "I still love you." What got me was her not OWNING what she was really talking about. Meaning, I am upset because if you go rest I am stuck alone, to be happy by myself. She said it at first and then veered into all the criticism of me, which she couched as "I'm just concerned for your wellbeing." And she went on and on and my insides were simmering.
In fairness, she does care about me. But I was pissed that she turned it into a critique of me just as M would -- insulating herself from analysing her OWN issues. That made me mad because it felt dishonest. She kept using the "I'm concerned" line and only stopped when I just said bluntly, "I'm not buying it."
Anyway, she has a tolerance for arguing that I just don't, so we'd never live happily together, I think. Good to know. She craves more attention and reassuance and praise than I can deliver.
I do remember once when I talked to my T about her, the T said, "I think she takes too much." Hmmm.
Okay, I'm purged. I really am grateful that y'all read this. I fear it's tedious.
Oh, last thing. I also struggle because of my OWN fear of being alone. I don't have many really close friends. So the prospect of loss makes it harder to deal sometimes. I am an odd duck, and don't live like the local ladies, hardly. Often eccentric, and nearly always unconventional. Hard to find friends who embrace it all.
Except here, maybe! xxxooo
hugs,
Hops
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