Hops, I've been editing the kitchen...... knives got winnowed out last night. Almost all of them placed in a box....so many of my Grandfather's blades....there, bc they were his. Not bc we use them, so....into a box.
DD24 organized upper kitchen cabinets recently. They feel so neat, right and good....like a magazine ad, which I've accepted, is beyond my abilities. It has to be ok. It is ok. Same for you, I suspect. Our brains aren't wired that way......they just aren't.
I noticed, and mostly dismissed, noticing my weaknesses.....tried to focus on my strengths.....dive in, embrace, do, achieve, HAVE what's available to me......sans all the typical judgments, and inability to just get on, in the best possible fashion.
A heavy, hand thrown chip and dip plate. with attached bowl, got filled with bird seed and water....put on one pile of hurricane wood in the backyard. I filmed a bright red cardinal taking a bath.....a squirrel lording over his new hoard, now he's discovered it.... it's his. Snow flurries in the blustering wind.....leaves flying this way, then that.
Mostly, I begin small organization piles, sort, throw, put away and notice opportunities, to choose differently in every moment, come and go. I can't judge it anymore, bc that time's passed. I know better..... can't afford to waste the time....finally understand what's traded ...lost....am unwilling to just give away precious time to rumination.
That opened up flowing dialogue with younger parts. Things feel more like an orderly classroom....parts pop up....adult Lighter notices .....reassures/explains/redirects......things continue getting done. It's imperfect movement, of a sort....crabbing along.....sans care for appearances and.... that's not feeling so new. It just is.
About the energy for other people...... it's always there. It might not always be a distraction, but there's always a cog in'me brain pan....dedicated....devoted....committed to
redemption. And I don't know if redemption arcs are.....on my path. For me. For anyone. It doesn't matter, but.... some part always pulls, like a stout little committed Frenchie ...always pulling towards it.
I stopped trying to drop it, change it.....banish it. It belongs ...this cog...just another part. Not good or bad. Just there.
I attempted to force huge change yesterday.....by extending an invitation to a early 20's young woman, living in her broken down car.....to live safely in the jazz shack, till her car could be fixed. Perhaps work with me, here, at the lake, till she's pocketed enough to build a safety net and safer living situation.
I'm looking at that....those words.....THAT would be catalyst for huge change, new choices....altering course drastically......which is something I desire....but more for others, than self. It was a thought.
Hmmmm.
She likely wants only dollars, for drugs, but the chance was there.... she's creative...but she knows catalyst is not for her. Yogi must eat, and Yogi wants what Yogi wants. I'm somewhat relieved and disappointed. For many reasons. My BS meter's installed. Filters removed. Four hands would have been such a relief.
So......my energy returns to self......which is what it is. Self energy....comforting. Grounded. Available and present for my younger parts. We turn towards organizing the garage, which is heated, thank goodness..... itt was 10° yesterday. How do the little forest creatures not freeze?
I've dropped off requested gifts/snacks at a nearby retirement home.
That takes some pressure, to do do do for others, down to a French smile....just under a simmer, yup yup yup.
That's ok too. To notice, and turn back to choices in front of me. I can let the deeper cares, about people I'm attached to, recede, bc it's ok. Now. But still simmers to the surface, I bet tuce. That's ok. I feel like I'm sorting requests, positioning boundaries, and preparing to drop ropes without emotional charge. It's problem solving...not rumination.
It's also respite...... it's wisdom and knowing.....
to do what I can, then put it on the shelf. A blessing when it just happens, without having to talk it through, or calm myself out of feeling helpless or at the mercy of, kwim? New pathways.
It feels like spinning into a smaller, more focused spiral....not necessarily down. Sometimes up. Sometimes not changing levels at all. Just....less unresolved baggage and misdirected yearning.....let go of....dropped away.
I've always understood I was plodding towards meaning.....towards important (to me) work.... that's just mine, and ok to care about, despite other people's disinterest, or judgements.
I notice obvious worries.....let them go by.....like passing clouds. I am the sky. I recognize what I can do, and can't do. Do I need to do something?
About dropping the packages at the retirement home....I brought the pug....wanted to see joy on resident's faces.... outstretched hands, reaching for chubby little rolls of double coated pug loveliness.
Instead, a worker caught me in the entrance hall.....turned me around, and sent me into the empty social worker's office. Very disappointing. The pug frightened a dog-phobic employee, who almost climbed a co-worker, sitting at his desk. More disappointment.
I didn't go through all that trouble,carrying pug with, for nothing, so we marched back up the hall, to the wheelchair ed lady in a mustard colored mumu with red trim, somehow perfectly matching the pug's red with yellow and green sweater from Peru. It was just meant to be! The lady's arms were stretched out.....she said she wanted to pet.....
her eyes were on baby girl pug, at this point. As I bent to her, pug raised to her level, the gal shifted her gaze to my middle, then put both hands on my stomach. Shocking. It felt like some dirty old man had possessed her, but old women can, and are, creepy too. WTAF? The aid, with old lady, looked at me like...."I tried to warn you."
Before I could react, a very short, very wide gray Frenchie approached us.....pulling his Asian leash-holder behind him. As I willed the pug NOT to scream, the Frenchie lett out one big bark. I noted his little service vest, as he bullied by us.
The pug was silent....likely bc I had her in the air.....but appearances were....
pug well behaved.
Frenchie a fraudster service dog.
I'll take it.
Time to go. Frenchie parked next to us. I really wanted to muff him up....was too late....they were buckled in as we got to our car. He was impossibly low and wide ...little devil-bat ears. Irresistible!
About dna and passing it along. I see it......feel it.... experience it, but there's fear....veering me away from it, bc.....child oncology wards......adult children in diapers ....violent adult children, on the spectrum, kicked from facility to facility. I have friends, and extended family members, dealing with some of these realities. It makes my cells vibrate 🫨 uncomfortably. Knocks the thoughts away.
I'm happy to say I feel refreshed, this morning, and focused on resolving particular problems....one way or the other. Choices have appeared. It feels obvious.... now, but has created so much past grief and upset......grief and upset being the sticking points, I guess.
My desk, and closet, are looking neater/less cluttered.....little circles of attention....happy spirals.
Stay warm, ((Hops.))
Lighter
