I feel soooo much better.
I think when any relationship turns toxic, depending on level of attachment, there can first be a load of denial that can be very persistent. Even in romantic relationships, there can be the "beating a dead horse" thing. (I think my relationship with M, that whole "dream machine" disassembling, was where some of my increased strength was formed. He was so egregiously self-absorbed that I finally recognized that waking up to smell the coffee is a fine practice, as reality is my friend.) Untangling all that has been hard work for ages. Grief is part of it, I think.
What I'm happy about now is that over time, I really have gotten it through my thick skull that sure, I can try to convince/inspire/engage/reveal insights to a person I'm close to IF THEY WANT IT, and help them move toward healing or positive change. For me now, the primary revelation is that it's ME who needs to change, and I am. I'm seeing a different perspective that's not about being a victim. Wonderful feeling.
As to attachment, there's some sock monkey stuff, both in my romantic and friendship relationships history. Rooted in childhood, probably fear of abandonment from being so small, extremely sad and scared (brother, Nmom, school bullying/ostracisation). But some different seed was growing all along in my mind, and now I CAN face, however slowly, unexpected revelations of aggressive or self-serving character, or just inability to commit to healthy reciprocity. And I can make choices to ease out of a toxic attachment.
To my amazement, I have actually let go of Poet, and basically said No to continuing dialogue with her. I didn't blame her, but explained how/why the volatility and anger part just can't work for me. Or that I can't face/absorb them without feeling toxic myself. She responded with "oh no, I didn't mean this or that..." and a variety of reasons why her life is so difficult. All are real and valid (she has gout), and I told her so. But she also reversed herself, made up new excuses, and tried blaming me, which I didn't accept. I wasn't angry about it, just realized it was not true.
After the email stuff was over, I had this moment where I felt a switch had flipped in my brain, and a sizzling sputtering circuit has just stopped. I felt such relief. I feel light and easy and curious and delighted about spring, crocuses up this morning, and new friends both writers and non-writers. I feel a sense of possibility and peace.
I will surely be back writing here in pain over something (or someone) or other at some point, but it feels so good when it's GONE. Like most of us, I've come through a winter that tested my soul in ways. And more poems are coming. Some might appear morbid to non-poets, but I feel connected to the imaginative thinking behind the images, which is unique to every poet. We literally write about anything and everything, as no subject is off limits. And there's a part of me that loves to tackle taboos. Usually with humor but sometimes straight on the chin.(My latest includes an image of my taxidermied self being "shellacked" into a rocking chair that would be delivered to each of my friends for a visit. I found it chuckle worthy but one friend I sent it to said Whoooaa! LOL. I should only send "shocking" ones to poets.)
Pup is doing his best imitation of a heating pad clamped to my side, a friend is offering me new irises and morning glory seeds, and I am okay. Hope you all are getting tipsy on spring and feeling the joy of life returning.
hugs
Hops
