2021 Farm Log

[Hopalong]

Oh, hon.
Hang in there.

The last leg of some endless jog you've been taking is always the most excruciating. Every footfall feels like a mountain climb and all of a sudden, you can't BELIEVE considering what you've already patiently slogged through, to have a summit in view (foggily) but are you really, really not THERE yet????  It's hard to relax.

Ooooof. So hard.

Counter-intuitive though it may be right now, you deserve still, and always, and importantly, some ... RELAX. Relaxation. Swooshy cosmic distant perspective. Faith in things unfolding as they will and you being able to fly along.

I am sending all sorts of good vibes to you both...a mental hot tub, whatever relaaaaaaaaaxes you. Regardless of B. Amber deserves to hit Pause and relax.

big hugs,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Well Hops. There has been plenty of relaxation - mixed in with all the rest of the stuff. But because I relaxed plenty, the usual chores need to be caught up with - plus a few things I'd hoped to have finished organizationally around here too. It's just that once the mind is resigned to "waiting" for a specific item to occur before getting back into gear and finishing up things...

when it does happen, it takes a little bit to register. I swear I was totally numb after I heard the news; completely detached and in neutral. It's not the energy of "must make everything perfect" that's looming; he knows and doesn't care about the chaos & mess from Hol living here/moving/still stuff stored here. As he says, "it's casual". I just had certain things I wanted to NOT have on my list to deal with, while he's here. So the man doesn't work sunup to sundown and we can go do fun things.

ETA: the "cobs" have been busy making webs again, I see. And I need to deal with skeeter nurseries and wasp/hornet nests too.

[lighter]

Hang tough, Amber.  Your future's unfolding
s
l ow
lyyyy.....
but it's unfolding.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Aw, Skep.  I'm hoping just being there will be a good health booster for Buck.  I know he's a big tough guy but I guess that's because he's had to be.  I can only imagine that your company for him and that feeling of finally living life for himself?  for the two of you? will do him the power of good in other ways as well.  And I very much hope that the docs where you are can be a bit more helpful than the situation he's been dealing with in his own area.  Aw.  It's so cute!  I can't wait to hear when the big day is finally here xx

[sKePTiKal]

It's danged slow Lighter. But be that as it may, it's still want I want to have happen. I can't just fling open the heart space until I know for sure, however. Too many times of getting my hopes up; wishing & hoping. And while that leaves me head-centered - that's allowing to me to focus just on me and what I'm doing.

OOOOooooo Tupp! Your second sight is working at optimum frequency. We just haven't been together for a long enough stretch to explore that very much yet. There IS a whole intangible level of benefit we get from being together. Individually, at different times  - we notice it. Other times, we second-guess ourselves and doubt it. The "too good to be true" effect. And we're both experienced enough to know that not everything stays copacetic all the time. Dealing with friction, difference of opinon, even general grumpiness. For instance. None of that escalates, though; I've found he's able to communicate forthright and clear and that emboldens me to say my piece, too. And then we decide to deal with it - and move on.

Yesterday was physical energy day around here. I got some things done I'd wanted to do for years. Then I retreated to the a/c in the studio because I've had to replace the mesh fabric on my chaise lounges. Too much salt air, sun & pollen exposure takes it's toll even on nylon. Instead - Hol emptied the studio of all her sewing stuff. Her sewing room at the Hut is finally equipped and ready for raw materials. Then, she decided it was time to move some tremendously heavy items of furniture around, per some ideas we talked about for the eventual remodel/redecoration that's still down a ways on the priority list. She's almost opened up enough room for a dance floor at this point.

There's going to be a lot of brainstorming around here again. Masons are done laying the block for the metal shop. Contractor called to say the roof trusses will be here next week. The electrician will be working in Hol's garage and then she just needs the plumber and some minor painting done and her concrete patio sealed... and Hut project will be officially done. Bringing in Buck's ideas and energy - and DIY skills - means we can do more projects ourselves. So we might be rethinking the building usages. B and I will do the finish work on the shop to his liking. Space in the barn & studio garage will also open up.

The next phase of the farm is commencing - one agonizingly slow step at a time. But I'm kinda liking this speed. Every once in a while one of us gets this burst of energy and kaboom... another big chunk is done. Hol is feeling less & less attached to spending time with me and has heard me, when I explain that given this leap of faith I'm making with a new relationship, some quiet me time is necessary. We don't have to give up "our life together" on the farm... but we do need to live our own lives separately. It's also good for me to work alone at things; at my pace. Without having her more youthful energy reminding me I used to be able to go like that too. When I try to; I pay for it in lost days. Recovering.

I've gotta get moving and go water the garden before it gets ungodly hot today.

[Hopalong]

Yay to guarding the threshhold of your heart-space with conscious care, Amber. That's not paranoia, it's simple self esteem.

Yay also to the palpable mutual benefit you feel when you're with B. The "fit."

Yay to Hol being less vampirish these days as her reviving autonomy gets her more off your back, emotionally.

Yay to respect for and realism about waxing and waning energy variations, and a slower pace (with exciting bursts).

And lastly, yay to reminding me to water, so I put down the laptop and just did. Thanks!

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

LOLOLOLOLOL. I should've done it yesterday, Hops, but I forgot. I got carried away on the other stuff. But I also consoled myself with some gardener's philosophy that if you water too often, the plants will come to depend on that amount. (Lovely excuse, isn't it???) Maybe it's true; maybe it's not. But it was useful in that then I had to commit and plan my morning to get out & get it done. It does kinda help me, to plan the next morning's "have tos" the day before when it's hot like this. Much better for me to a be a slug in the a/c in the hottest part of the day, thinking about making food for dinner and wasting time online then.

This is a big change to a sacred routine I started in T, all those years ago. Just taking as much time as I wanted in the morning, right from the 1st cup o' coffee... until I felt ready to tackle my day. It did help a lot when I was still working and dealing with a lot of people and their software problems. It let me get my wits about me FIRST, before venturing forth out amongst people. But, except for the odd contractor or real emergency -- I don't need that much time anymore. I'm not working out or through big things. And getting the earlier start before the heat of the day... keeps the momentum wheels turning for the days it is pleasant to spend hours working outside.

I had monumentally strange dreams last night. Freddy woke me up from the first one, pawing the door to go out - then I heard liquid pouring. I thought he was peeing in front of the door - mad at me. Nope; he did his old trick of knocking over my glass of water. Been awhile since he pulled that one. I keep a commuter lid on it now - but I still had to get up at 4 am, turn the light on and wipe it up. Went back to sleep till 7 or so... and I dunno what my brain was doing... but generally it's not all that inventive if I dream and remember it. This was Firesign Theater, Monty Python and who knows WHAT all rolled into one insanely absurd plot. I pulled the main message out of it, but geez... embellishment much?

[sKePTiKal]

Well Hops, here we go again... SSDD.

The hospital billing dept here, won't clear B for an appt date, until DOD gives them an approval.
DOD won't approve anything without a set appt date in their request.

B and the VA Director are thinking a wrong medical code was attached to this request for a 2nd opinion/consultation. It is still getting worked out.

I'm thinking I might put my brain & back to work more intensely, on taking my herbal knowledge to the next level. Because there isn't anything else I can think of to DO, to help. Even if I know it's still going to have limited impact, it's better than being stuck in a never-ending limbo... where it seems you are helpless against "the system" which seems by design to continue to deny you the help you need for the most rediculous of bureaucratic reasons.

S I G H.

On a more positive note, Deb has found a place to rent that isn't more expensive than a mortgage payment, short term; 6 months to a year. She's moving next weekend, fingers crossed. Hol and I will go help. Seems the bossy sister & warped greedy BIL gave Deb and her brother, till the end of July to move out. This buys her some time to get through grieving and take her time looking for something to buy; maybe even relocate to another state - along with change her job. But right at the moment her job is the one thing in her life that HASN'T gone topsy-turvy and I don't think she needs anything else to think about right now.

Being somewhere where those siblings can't demand she do x, y or z on unreasonable notice while she's going through something intense... sounds like heaven to her. She's chalking up that behavior to naivete and greed; I'm thinking this has been planned for awhile - but I can be a lot more cynical about people's motives than she wants to be. Deb is called "emotional" because she's still in the early stages of dealing with her mom being gone. They didn't express emotion even at the funeral; just started right in on plans to sell the house. Told her, SOME of the sibs want their money. It's only been a couple of months.

I "mom" pretty good. And Deb and I have been close since her Dad dies a decade+ ago. Inititally, she couldn't think at all. I know that feeling from the months after Mike died. It took me two-three months to just start thinking about what I had to do. And I dove deep into the feeling side of until I was tired of crying at everything. So having to think about major life change on top of major grief... to do both at once... it was the right thing to do, for me step in for awhile and help her think; find things she could control for herself; and support her emotionally as best I can. (Hol doesn't think I'm terribly good at that side of it. Oh well, that's what she thinks... and where does she run with that stuff?? Mom.)

This past week, Deb's been clearer again. Resigned; not happy; but clearer. So I'm already stepping back a little. She's smart and capable; competent. She makes good decisions. She deserves someone to formally give her, some space & control back. Which her "family" doesn't seem to want to do. So we figured out a way for her to claim her own. She said the best thing about this whole mess is she's lost 20 lbs - between fasting and working. That's been a longterm goal of hers.

[Hopalong]

So, who do we murder to get B his freedom to come? Damn. I'm so sorry.

Really good to hear Deb is finding her way through her stages, and away from the toxic siblings. Those little sh*ts.

I hope amid all these dramas, not to mention Hol's, you do and determinedly put Amber health and peace up front. Even if you have to do it over and over again.

We got soaking rain yesterday and last night, finally. Next problem will be WEEDS.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

I planted right in among the weeds Hops. I was in a hurry. Weather too hot, and I took advantage of a short temp break. So another silly gardening excuse, is that the weeds help mulch the good plants. LOLOLOLOLOL. They also compete for nutrients & water, so it's a serious trade-off. And my overly-compensating sense of order wants to see soft bare dirt between all my rows, ya know??

These kinds of drama - except perhaps Hol's - aren't deep; aren't mine except through support; and in this case neither Deb or B are being needy about it. Deb has NEEDED more support; someone to bounce things off of and talk her out of defeatist, giving up feelings. B just needs me to have something positive to think about except this 5 year nightmare. And keep the communication going. He's not as talky as Hol is... but he does like to know I'm here and haven't turned my back on him; shut him out. We already have "code" for when I'm involved in something or he is - where we're not going to respond to each other for a bit. There isn't any resentment about either of us taking care of our own stuff. My own dramas in the past - and the untangling of them - has at least given me the ability to choose whether I'm really needed or can be effective, when someone I care about is going through something. And sometimes I fail -- or just. can't. right now. And that's OK.

Gotta run; I found the girl who during the covid year changed salons... and she gets to cut my hair today.    I can trust her and after the bad cut I got at her old place... I'm really looking forward to it, and having my face frame back into some semblance of "pretty" - not just practical - again.

[Twoapenny]

God, Skep, you and B must just want to smash your heads against a wall each time it happens.  Are they unconnected places as well?  So you wouldn't just be dealing with one person who can sort out both problems?  I wouldn't even want to imagine how many people's health problems are made worse by the stress of dealing with system.  Crazy stuff.  I do know what you mean about wanting to understand more about herbs - anything that might help feels better than just sitting waiting for people to do their admin properly.  So infuriating.  Can only say I hope they sort it out (again!).  I'm glad there seems to be a solution for Deb's living arrangements coming up.  Her siblings sound horrible.

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Tupp. Yes, it's two different places. My local major hospital and his VA/Dept of Defense system - that, I'm given to understand now, that even though he's officially "retired", because of his disability benefit (they classify him as unhirable even though he can work circles around me) if we simply go around and outside of the VA system... without "permission"/approval... then he either loses his sizable pension or the disability benefit... and there is a chance he could lose both.

As frustrating as this is, I know there are veterans who have even worse stories to tell about how they're not free to take care of themselves, on their own dime or via private insurance - due to the system playing god with these men & women. Making the choices (without benefit of a medical degree) FOR THEM, based on silly rules and financial "investment" in the former troops.

This is, to my way of thinking, a real irony... since they fought for "freedom" (or political agendas) and end up losing their own freedom over their own bodies and healthcare. I have ideas about solutions; ways to change the system. But I'm realistic in my expectation that anything like those ideas will ever be implemented and the troops set free from it.

[Twoapenny]

That's exactly the problem we have here, Skep - paper pushers and policy makers making the decisions instead of doctors (or just giving the reins to the patient and saying "you've got x amount of funding available - we need receipts").  So frustrating and yes, that concept of 'freedom' means very different things for different people.  I do hope they get their fingers out and get things sorted out for him soon.  So maddening! xx

[sKePTiKal]

Fingers crossed, toes crossed, and eyes crossed Tupp. It is the very last obstacle holding him back.

The formalities have been done on listing his house; it goes "live" 8/4. He's in an area where developers are buying up whole neighborhoods, demolishing existing homes and building new stuff. And the cycle the market is in, anyway, has increased the value of his property some, beyond normal expectations. Of course, I know from experience that one can't count any chickens until the check is in the bank.

That means he needs to finish up removing all the various odds & bits of equipment he has saved for years, thinking he might need that part some day.    It's taken him awhile - but I understand. I spent most of a year "purging" & packing at the beach house before my move and 5 years later I STILL have some boxes I haven't opened & sorted.

"Unhirable" my brain-dead exhausted butt. When he finally is able to get an appt here, one of the things we'll discuss is me going back with him, to help pack. He didn't automatically accept my offer...so I'm interested in what his concerns are. Because he has engrained in his values, that the man provides... financially... he's sensitive to moving here without much in his bank account, too. But more than anything else, I think what I'm sensing from him is "old guy, set in his ways", no matter how difficult it is - it will be the way he's chosen. Its who he is.

There's a bit of dignity and self-respect and the old-fashioned concept of "honor" all rolled up in that too. Both from his native traditions and being a southerner. But I suppose after 40 years of (mostly) living below the Mason-Dixon line, I'm a southerner too. Some old Yankee values floating around in my psyche... but they're entirely compatible with that sense of "honor". I helped him unload heavy tools the last time he came up -- and he told me he's completely unused to his partner helping him; working beside him. I don't know any other way to be - except when I'm the one doing everything while someone else is too... whatever... not to help.

Guess I'm indulging in a bit of a lazy Sunday morning mental ramble. Observations that don't have any earth-shattering significance, no deep analysis or ulterior motive or meaning.  Babbling... contentedly. This is one of the few places I can do that without youse guys getting worried I'm dealing with something impossibly heavy... or that needs "fixin"... it just is - what it is for this moment. It'll be something else in a little bit. It always is.

It was so nice seeing my "master hair cutter" again. I like her; has a young son. She didn't remember my previous haircut - it was 18 months ago and this is the 2nd salon she's been at. Seems to be an more independent contractor situation for her. Keeps her own appts and manages her own payments. So the scheduling is more flexible for her, too. Some of her other clients have followed her too. So she put in pretty bangs (I'd tried cutting my own again, out of frustration) and a little face framing. My issue with various styles is keeping enough volume at the cheekbone level to not drag down my long face. The overall length is just below the shoulders now (from Jan.) and I can easily pull it back when it's super hot or I'm working. In a couple months, I'll have her shorten it again to just below chin length. It's been the easiest, best style for me since my wardrobe is mostly jeans & overalls now. And I am still purging a lot of the dress-up stuff out of my closet.

Which is one of my lazy Sunday jobs. Hol is gonna make a donation run and I need to make some closet space for Buck. I really don't wear half the clothes I've got. I don't NEED so many different kinds of things anymore. I've found J. Jill's style works pretty well for my body, and it can be casual or a little dressier with some accessories. AND most importantly - everything is comfortable. I'll also back to LL Bean stuff, for quality work clothes - because no one else offers things appropriate for older women in something that isn't a size 2. Even Hol has noticed and some of her friends in the film industry. We're thinking we might try to expand on that idea in the sewing studios. Hers is coming together pretty quickly. Mine is still in transition because I don't get a lot of time to be there without her presence, energy and insistence on helping implement "her vision". This is one of the things I want to do all by myself. My taste isn't hers. I like hers - just not for me. This something we're navigating now. Among all the other stuff. LOLOL.

Nothing I try doing for my wrist - is fixing it; it's taking forever to get to the point that it doesn't hurt when I wash dishes. It's all in the position of my hand. It's usually swollen in the morning too; like I'm holding it a long time uncomfortably while I'm sleeping. I guess I need to get it x-rayed and looked at, but not until we help Deb move on Friday next. Sometimes it doesn't bother me at all - then I move in a normal way and it gets tweaked again. Buck even sent me some lidocaine ointment that he was given for his level pain. Mine's not nearly that bad; just annoyance level.

Yeah, I could use my dishwasher.  Yeah, it probably needs total rest. One of the things that tweaks it every time is putting a bra on or taking it off. No, I probably shouldn't be holding my cast iron skillets in that hand to wash them, rinse them. I don't have any choice but to keep using it - to take care of myself - while trying to pay close attention to what NOT to do when moving it. No, I don't think it's arthritis. Probably something more like tendonitis. I hurt it last year, too - when John & I demo'd the bedroom fireplace. So it probably happened when Hol & I were trying to hitch up the disc to the ranger. Stupid thing weighs 300 lbs. B already has a solution for that problem.

Warrior Buck gets to be Farmer Buck pretty soon.    He's looking forward to it, he says. He hasn't seen my list yet. LOLOLOLOLOL.

[Hopalong]

Oh lordy, Amber.
Your wrist reminds me of my shoulder. Been in pain for months.

For whatever good urging does, I urge you to stop using it and go get it properly diagnosed, scanned, whatever... the long-term impairment would be much more frustrating for you than the short-term inability to lift and haul and hurt it further.

I hate the creeping more-fragiler that has come upon me, but I will fight back medically, as needed.

I've just (unfortunately) recently met folks my age whose knee or shoulder (or wrist) issues have become permanent limitations, sometimes because they left it too long without PT or appropriate medical treatment. Would hate to see you in that boat.

(And I'm likely projecting my own fears about one-wingedness. Been hurting so much in the mornings I start the day with a minute of tears.) Generally, it's calm if all I do is type. And I still manage laundry and dishes, though I pay for it in pain.

Aaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhh. VERY excited to hear Buck's house news! He must be determined to come no matter what.

That's big.

hugs
Hops