Reading these quotes and going back over my story writing I think, "Did I write that?" I have been pretty busy the last week or two.
W's attitude has returned. He seems to cycle. Likely has more than one personality disorder going on.
He gets very needy - first thing in the morning he is talking, talking, talking - before the ADD med kicks in, and before I pour a cup of coffee. He is always up earlier with the dogs. With my sleep apnea it takes me awhile to wake up. That is when he wants my undivided attention, criticizes me if I get distracted, if I express an opinion he gets mad and accuses me of arguing with him. Then I cannot get one word in when he interrupts. His criticisms sound like a projection of himself, not me when he accuses me of being self-absorbed. If the news is on he talks over the TV about what he thinks. He gets mad when I ask him to let me listen , to not talk over the TV, or to at least pause the program if he wants to say something. With the news, I prefer to chew my own food - not swallow his regurgitation of what he thinks is news. He groans and complains over the commercials, the coverage..... I often will give up on the news and crawl in the bathroom and play a game on my phone to get away from it. He controls the TV, what we watch and when we watch it. I don't really care - I would rather read, do some art work, or write to friends (like you gals). He also does all the cooking, decides what we eat and when. I let that go too, he is a good cook but then complains cuz he does all the work. When I traveled for work he would ask me what I ate for lunch. No boundaries with him. I would tell him what I eat is not his concern. It is all about control. This past week I hardly got time to read my e-mails before he would complain that I was isolating upstairs.
Much of this was triggered over his seeing a new doctor. Our doctor left her practice suddenly. He needed someone to prescribe his prednisone for his polymyalgia. Turns out his blood pressure is sky high. No wonder all the pressure he puts on thinking he has to run everything.
Then there was the other neighbor who comes up on weekends - burning toxic crap in his camp fire 24/7 - making W sick. Not sure if he is disposing waste oil for beer money or getting rid of meth waste - the smoke is blue and it stinks. Cannot get the DNR or the Town to investigate or make him stop. It began last summer when W got really sick, after the neighbor bought the property. He tore down an old trailer on the property, and made it disappear by burying it and burning it - siding, insulation and all.
Initially I found myself walking on egg shells, then getting really rageful and yelling back at W. Then I worked on adjusting my attitude. He does work hard around here, is still building fence around our property, and finished building the deck and back yard enclosure within our 6.7 acres. I focused on helping him with the fence and staining the decks, showed concern over his health problems. If he said I was arguing, I ignored him and walked away.
I have always been too good at understanding why a man in my life was being abusive. I thought I was so clever to figure those things out, and to have the capacity to have such insight. It has taken life-threatening conditions to realize how much denial I was in about the damage that abuse was doing to me.
I have done so much work in this area, yet here I am. Learning to live with it because I don't want to face the guilt if I left after all the work he has done (all the money I spent) and now his health is bad.
I do appreciate the support I am getting from this group. But then I feel like I am taking hostages because I am unwilling to leave him to change the situation that brought me to need the support in the first place.
Guilt, shame and unworthiness. Hmmmm .... I don't like the sound of that. I don't conclude with that. I am a strong, caring, loving, and worthwhile person with much to offer. Thanks for being here. Goodnight.
