mental health

[lighter]

Hops:

Do you feel your chest pain is exacerbated by your emotional distress?

Is it possible the chest pain is created by the distress?

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Yes to both, Lighter.

This chicken and egg query is all chicken and all egg, at the same time.

Scrambled!

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

If you allowed didn't back off whatever was creating the chest pain..... what would happen?

Would it lead to harm to your vascular system or your heart or would your BG go up up up into crisis or your heart rate increase to unsafe levels?

Would the pain lead to a panic attack or passing out, do you think?

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Mercifully, haven't had a panic attack or intense anxiety symptoms in months. I wouldn't go seeking that state in a therapy session now, though. I'm not connected enough to this T for that much vulnerability, though I know many people are able to.

This Friday I have my last heart test (stress PET scan), and I think I'll be feeling a lot better after that's done. Hopefully good news will be very freeing.

I know this T would be pleased if I could work more somatically, but for now the narrative approach is the best I can do. I've been disconnected from my body in too many ways but how I visualize coming back to life in small steps is walking. And trying to keep the RAD (reactive airways) under control.

I'd love to build up to the easy 2 miles I was often doing ten years ago.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

I'm not freaking out about it, but I'm thinking about the therapist dilemma. I really am afraid of being hurtful (I can work through that as I know its not my intention), or making the wrong decision. But at one point today, when she looked literally frozen searching for a word, and her struggle was soooo lengthy, I thought: I just need someone with more language skill. When she f.i.n.a.l.l.y spoke, it was to say: "I can't find.....words. It is good to share your feelings." It was so bland that I think it may almost have flipped a decision switch inside. I feel torn because she is very kind and well intentioned, but after four years I think it might be time for a different approach. Then again, I could be sabotaging myself. It's even crossed my mind that there could be a cognitive issue for her. I wish I knew!

I'm going to get up my courage and see the Sikh at least once (out of pocket) to talk about where he thinks therapy could go. And maybe ask a few people if they know of an outstanding female therapist I might try. Might be slim pickings due to the pandemic pressures on mental health providers. It's okay. Not really a crisis decision, because I will be on this path for life. I know sometimes it's good to change practitioners. But it's still daunting -- a little scary.

Last ditch (but I think unlikely) -- I might try to find out if Medicare would allow
me to see her and also the Sikh, alternating weeks. Kind of doubt it. And I don't know whether that's therapeutically wise anyway.

Whew. No decision made, but it helped to write out my vacillations!

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I wonder what's there, behind the feelings you have around hurting your T, Hops.

Is it nose on the pebble concern ....
or....
 can you get enough distance on it to see what's behind it?

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Pretty simple.
I hate seeing any pain of rejection on any face that I could prevent.

I also know professional Ts understand and expect clients to "graduate" if it's appropriate for them. She'd be okay, it's just tough to do. Almost, not-quite there.

It'll be okay. I wrote the Sikh about a one-off talk and I'll be very open with him, to see if that conversation inspires a decision.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

Had a long talk with my wise friend, 80y/o, "P". She understood all of it and spotted that my interest in and fear of seeing the Sikh is classic "approach avoidance" and that made a lot of sense. She suggested one way to talk to him for a session is to first ask about where he'd see us going, and also whether he thinks because of my fears, recommending a third option (such as perhaps another woman counselor) would be good.

In talking to P, it really did seem more clear to me that despite the other fear (of change and losing present-T's support) it's probably the right thing to change Ts at this point.  P also pointed out that I could ask present-T for a hiatus with the option to return to her.

Huh. Hadn't thought of that, but it might reduce my fears over leaving the comforting-but-frustrating familiarity of talking to her once a week.

Sikh is going to send me suggested times for a week or two from now. He's busy!

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Ya,  maybe takeing a "break" from therapy would  feel less upsetting.

Good point: )

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Oh, you mean telling her that, rather than mentioning the Sikh?
Hmmm, hadn't thought of that. Feels dishonest but maybe it'd be fine.
I'll wait and see how it goes with him.

Thanks for the idea. (I'm not thinking of taking a break from therapy, just maybe from the present T. Dunno if I was confusing.)

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Yes, just a break from your current T.... doesn't have to be forever. You don't honestly know what you'll do.
Lighter

[Hopalong]

With all the heart stuff, it hit me that this is probably not a good time to pull the plug on present T. I may not need the stress of more change at this time. I will still talk to the Sihk at least once (appt next week) but think I have fear that he might be well-intendedly confrontational in a way, and I'm not going to battle/fight/confront myself; much too shaky right now. I might just tell him that, see what he says.

What I'm doing proactively. I've asked several friends if any would commit to a short (like silly short) walks/week with me once the heat wave passes (maybe 3 people once a week, 10-20 minute slowwww walk). A couple can; one's away. I believe once I've done that for a couple months, my fear of walking alone will ease.

I've lined up a "pastoral visitor." These are trained volunteers (from church, but there's no God or dogma expected, just guided by whatever your individual spirituality -- or lack of it -- is) who spend time with you twice a month (visit or Zoom). They're trained in empathic listening and skilled at being present and compassionate. It's another dimension of healing, I think, that I've been avoiding (the spiritual side).

I'm also going to reach out to a couple people in the congregation I know (not well, but over time) who meditate and ask about that. I think I would benefit from meditating with others, rather than always alone. There used to be a group. I am not interested in the Buddhist sangha or saying Ohm with anybody; told the minister I'm looking for secular meditation for squirrels. LOL.

The sweet woman from my Village board and I have begun our "time swap" or "help swap" for decluttering. Just having another human present to plow through piled-up papers is huge and we got a start. I go to her place later this week to offer the same.

Generally, I'm struggling on with anxiety and way too many days where the phone doesn't ring. My friend P said yes, you need to reach out and build your social support newwork; you also need to know people will reach out to you. I hope I'm creating new opportunities for that to happen.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

Good shifts and confluences, I think.
Last T appt (next is tomorow) went unusually well.
I think because I opened up a lot more and told T that I think I have trouble trusting, and various sequelae from that. I did feel I was opening more and risking more with her, and it was one of the first sessions in a long time I'd call productive. It's possible it signals a breakthrough or shift with her (and me), and I look forward to seeing what happens over the next month or so.

Meanwhile, just had my second (last for now) teletherapy appt with the Sikh. I felt so understood and recognized that what I appreciate particularly about him is not only feeling understood and heard, but also how perceptive he is. Not just about current tales and symptoms and catch-up stories, but he focuses on what things mean. He focuses his lens on asking perceptive questions that invite me to see myself in a broader light.

He's offered me all the time I want to take to decide whether/when to move on from present-T, and I feel extremely grateful for that. He doesn't think my brief "avoid-decision" fantasy of seeing them alternately, is a good idea, as I could drain energy trying to reconcile their different perspectives. Oddly, he's also dealt with a recent heart diagnosis, and that was comforting too. I generally think more understanding and inspiration lies in his direction.

But I will stay open for a while with present-T for now. Just to see if it was my resistance that has blocked me mostly. Or even maybe just gradually getting to a positive farewell. Not sure the reason really matters, but feeling stuck is feeling stuck. Talking with the Sikh, I felt more invited to care more intensely about my own life again. (The fact that he met and "got" M was a big help too, as M is a good stand-in for my recurring relationships with narcisssists over the years.)

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

What a hopeful update, Hops!

That you're relaxing into the process..... refusing to pressure yourself or feel pressured is really great.

You'll know what to do when you do it!

Trust yourself. 

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

How're ya doin with this wet gray weather Hops? Are your changes helping?

Right after B left, I developed some kind of blockage in my left ear. It's kinda got sinus pressure combined with it to. Messin' with my sense of balance and where my body is in space. Been working on it, and it's better. It's DEFINITELY triggered by the weather but I suspect I also have enough quiet time that I'm maybe paying too much attention to things like this, too.

After lunch and a few chores, I think I'm gonna head for the studio and see if I can get some more curtains ironed and the rods up. Hol already got the new blinds up while I fought with one rod. Then, collect up all the cardboard and old blinds for the trash next week. Finish moving the work tables, etc to get ready to make things!