'23 - The Adventure Continues ;)

[sKePTiKal]

Think I found a LOVELY cabin isolated on 7 acres (and no neighbors I can see from the pics)... it's close enough to a few small towns that we'll have some activities available and dining out options too. And it's not yet ski season, so it shouldn't be crowded - YET.

SIGH. We really do need to get some "just us" time.

[sKePTiKal]

Cabin is BOOKED!
I've already made my list of what to pack... Dinners planned... in case we don't go out to eat... driving the jeep so if it DOES snow - we should be fine. Still need to get it inspected before we take off. And we're just a little giddy over the prospect of it.

B hasn't been doing all that much work, since the stimulator side effects are plaguing him still and nothing's really "broken" right now. I did find a recent study on exactly the thing he's experiencing from Oxford that offers recommendations for alleviating the side effects - all of which we've done, except I'm adding in an extra one: I'm going to start documenting when we turn it on/off and how long it takes for his body to get back to normal. I don't know if that data is going to be helpful or not... but perhaps a pattern will become visible that will provide some guidance on the way forward. Taking it out, is NOT an option... unless all else fails, then it would be another - more major - surgery to put the other kind of stimulator in the old location and given the complications pre-existing there... and the length of recovery... well. We don't want to go there.

Pump fills will be done at home now, the next time and going forward. That'll be a good thing. And he's worked with this company before so they already have all his insurance data.

Hol's art market yesterday wasn't all that good on sales. BUT, she's got more info on the retail space and another vendor took a card for someone in the town over the mountain (and she has a shop in Dulles Town Center) who's looking for good leather work. Guy is a woodworker; just a kid - who learned from his Dad and is using his shop. Dad showed a lot of "interest" in Hol... which she's a bit boggled by. LOL. And she's - "oooo Mom gross!" - making friends that are local. Which is EXACTLY what she needs right now. She needs some help from me on the business side of things, but I'm willing to give it and help her make it easy. And that'll help her when it's time to step into my shoes at the shop. She was over the moon yesterday... feeling happy and satisfied... and not. quite. trusting. it. Sheesh. Second-guessing herself is second nature. But she might be seeing glimpses out of that.

It's a gray foggy day here on the mountain... but it's damned cozy! First batch of Christmas baking done; just need to cut the bars and pack away. They'll keep for quite a few weeks and I'm planning to deliver to neighbors again. This recipe makes a LOT. I'm not going to go overboard this year, but there was a request for peanut butter cookies... 

[Hopalong]

Gray misty days are my favorite weather. Hope yours stay cozy.

Sad to hear of the ongoing issues with B's pain stimulator. I thought about how my chronic, NOT acute (or seldom truly awful) back pain dominates some days/months, and am awed by your tales of B's endurance and resilience. Hope somebody tells you such stories of your own.

Sounds like Holly is having good movement in her life. Just changes in assumptions, a chance to experience new positives. Even the woodworker guy, if she enjoys him.

Pooch sends rude regards to Knuckles.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Getting excited for our trip next week. Change of scenery; peace and quiet. B's not feeling the greatest but we're dealing with that.

I just noticed Tupp's thread has vanished. Wanted to wish her a Merry Christmas...

[Hopalong]

I am very sad that Tupp left.
No blame whatsoever for how she feels; I would too.

I have missed her every time she backed away and can
only hope she will be back sharing what she can
with us -- when she's willing.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I hope you and B have a wonderful holiday trip and season, Amber.

You guys deserve some time on your own.

About Tupp.... I hope her time away from the board leaves space for more human connection. 

She's very wise and it makes sense to me, though she's missed.

Remember your boundaries, dear ((Tupp.)) 

Always checking for updates.

:Lighter

[Hopalong]

How did the cabin getaway go, Amber?

Hope it was GOOD!

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

We both thought the other had loaded the electronics bag. Didn't realize it till we got to Canaan. Stopped & got phone chargers; asked for directions (because even though I had those in my purse - they didn't match up "on the ground". LOL.)

Lots of snow! And COLD... it was 32 when we got in the hot tub; and that was fun but wet bare feet on ice, not so much. House - well it looked like world market had exploded in there. LOL. A little too busy for us. But the furniture was elaborately carved heavy wood; exotic. It was nice just being away from everything.

Coming home, we made the loop through Seneca Rocks - and I think we'll try to stay there in warmer weather. Got home and it was 20 degrees warmer!! Even though we're north of that location. Ski resorts were making snow. Got to use my 4 wheel drive.

We both really needed the break!

[sKePTiKal]

Soon gonna need a '24 thread...
and who knows what will happen?

This year hasn't been awful - though the struggles have been "real" LOL. The studio exterior is completed; till spring anyway. I finished insulating the removals in the walls downstairs in the garage. Drywall's up, in the studio above. I can take my time, with the joint compound stage. I'll need to skimcoat some cracks in the ceiling. B is gonna look at installing a ceiling fan (which we need, since we smoke in that space). The rest of the major remodeling is going to happen a step at a time; given when B is here and what else is going on.

Still working thru the trial & error process on his stimulator. Currently on "option 2" of a new program. We'll see how long till symptoms return with this one. Effectively, as much, long, as we need to turn it off so his symptoms clear - he doesn't have that half of the pain mask at all. I'm now documenting everything, looking for patterns. And the doc's office has gotten hostile recently, insisting he jump through excessively impossible hoops. Come to find out, the phenomenon of medical gaslighting, is a "thing" - with even docs talking about how to counter it. The request is rational - that he stop his Rx for oral pain relief and turn in what he hasn't used. Because with the pump & stimulator, even though it's not functioning (which doesn't seem to register with these folks**) should replace any need for the oral drugs. Even though B's experience of the equipment failing and justifying having an alternative also makes sense.

Upshot being, they're piss testing him and require a receipt when he turns in the Rx... however everyone we've called only has a dropbox; no one gives a receipt - not even the DEA, we called them too. In other words, no one believes he isn't taking the Rx in addition to the mask relief or that he isn't selling them on the street.  :gggggggggrrrrrrrrrr: Two can play that game and I can do with an evil smile... we'll take the Rx to the next appt and have THEM sign the receipt. Pharmacy said they can't accept or receipt the turn-in, because of their inventory regulations requiring them to report to DEA. DEA won't do it either.

** I found a detailed article, referencing a study done at Oxford that detailed EXACTLY the kinds of symptoms - due to nerve stimulation at this location - he is having and the NP wanted to argue that the hard copy wasn't a an actual study... and refused to accept that the article had a web link to the full study from me. "We've never heard of this before" is an unacceptable dismissal of what I've documented and he experiences.

And they wonder why he has a quick temper in response to their excuses, denying, dismissal, refusal to HEAR him and try to work out a treatment option that WILL help. There is a reason I go to every appt with him because I can stand my ground and not be visibly angry and try to negotiate a better result.

He and I are getting along pretty well; like all couples there's a bit o' friction from time to time. Most of it due to each of us having spent so long in other relationships - and more recently on our own. We both have habits that need to change to accommodate the needs/wishes of the other.

Holly & S ALMOST broke up over Christmas. Long story; you've already got the gist of her discontent. He's quite the drama queen, I must say. But that just runs right off of her. She isn't standing for any emotional blackmail or doing ALL the heavy lifting in the their interactions. (Can't call it a relationship; even after 5 years.) I don't know how it's ultimately going to turn out... but it's heartening to see how much inner work she's doing - in her quest for her personal answers. She's come a damn long way from her teens. He doesn't see the need for any change on his part; no lightbulb moments -- and she is an overachiever in the communication department, even about feelings.

She's had issues with the solar system this winter; and it's been physically uncomfortable due to hardwired smoke alarms. In the middle of the night; upsetting the dogs - and S. While she's trying to manage the "crisis", troubleshoot the system, and seek advice/help. Knuckles was at my front door the next morning and he wanted nothing more than his couch pillows and pets and calm. We're his refuge and second home.

Found disppointment over Christmas, when I tried to hook up my 10 yr old wii system to new tv. Wanted to spend Christmas day in jammies playing games... found pieces I needed that are S'POSED to work, but don't. Hit the tech support websites and still no joy... but in the scheme of things, it's kinda silly to fuss over.

B's been here most of the year, this year. That's been fabulous! And with his help, much is progressing. Next year, we're building woodsheds and clearing more fire break around studio & house. Garden again, of course. More herbs & learning which ones are helpful for his specific pain... and getting him moved & house sold.

And maybe some more fun stuff next year. And for now, it's hibernation season!!!!  I need to piddle at the work in the studio, cut out the chemise I'm still debating handsewing (victorian style), change my mind 6 times on studio paint color... and update "the list".

[lighter]

What colors are you considering for the studio, Amber?

About the pump and medical gaslighting..... old memories and traumas in my body stretched and found exhaustion as I read about your ongoing experience.  The profoundly wrong-ness of paying people in positions of care and protection to harm those they're who's care they're harged with continues to strike a nerve for me.  I cant quite describe the sensation, but it's there and my father used to refer to it as "something clicking" in his gut.   It clicks in mine too. 

I don't know if it's reactivity, exactly, or the universe pointing at outrageous truth.  I assume it's some of both.

I hope H figures out the S thing.  It's really about her and her relationship with self, isn't it?  Not about S, at all.  S is her pebble, me'thinks.

Let me know what colors you're thinking of.  I'm hoping you choose something you're happy with at every mment of the sun's movement.  Sometimes it helps me to look at a sample morning, noon and night.... and quite a large sample.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Everything Lighter said. Yes.

I'm into fantasizing about your studio colors, too.

I dunno what to send your way about B's endless ordeal.
But I am grinding my teeth at the illogic.

Aaaaarrrrgggghhhh, thinking of you....
hugs,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Right now I've settled on ceiling, an off white that's warmish...
a PINK (just the word makes me want to revolt; but more description later)
with a brownish/warm gray for trim. Not a sharp contrast between walls & trim; just a definite "edge". Color is more brown than gray.

I've NEVER been a fan of pink - tho' I've mixed it many a time for skin tones & skies. It never had a presence in my wardrobe... and never, ever, kill me first - in my house. Then I saw a pottery barn styling photo of light pink and gray bedding. Pale rose shade, I guess... and I HAD to have. There have been a couple of blush pink shirts added to my closet.

Behr calls this paint color "Island Hopping"; so the shade is in the coral family (went thru the turqoise/coral phase in a small way at the beach)... and the tone is VERY LIGHT. Like pink tinted white... and just a smidge more color. In bright sun, the pink fades away even more. The brown trim color is very soft, like a smudge but cool enough to make that clear definition of trim.

------------
The studio has been a mish-mosh of things I brought from the beach, all this time. Why spend the money when I already had stuff that would function -- and when the use of the room expanded to "non-judgemental, venting therapy romper room"... if something got damaged, no great loss. We have gone through 2 sets of chairs for the pub table, courtesy of Holly depleting anger. The pub table itself (black lacquer) is scarred with the long days/nights of communing around it - at the beach and here. The plan is to cut it down to coffee table height and surround with couch and club chairs; again using pieces I brought with, initially.

Put the dress form together yesterday; I still need to adjust it and pad it for my  shape. Bought a sundress last year that I love; but the straps are too long and there will need to be a few more alterations to it made. And I need to push myself ruthlessly, to decide whether I really need to keep a lot of the crafty odds/ends that I've been storing for years. Which includes a ton of stuff in the attic!! And I'm still working thru the massive "inventory" of things Mike bought in bulk, "just in case" - or when he knew finally, that I was going to be on my own. So, that stuff is still "in the way" of plans.

[lighter]

Amber.... what did  Mike store away in bulk that you've packed and moved with you to the farm?  I simply must know!

And.... what is it about pink you've had a lifelong aversion to?  Is it the perceived PINK is for (vulnerable) girls and BLUE is for action oriented men who can protect themselves and do?

Or is it the way you've seen it used?  Barbie houses and little girl ruffled clothing?  Maybe?  Ways going against your style?

Since Pottery Barn used it successfully, maybe it's just that you never saw it used in a way that pleases the eye before?  Tastfully and with restraint... zero ruffles, ribbons and bows?

Not sure.

About Hol breaking things when she's angry.... and in your presense, I assume.  I have an aversion to irrational violent lashing out with words and actions.  It disrupts my Nervous System, sends me into survival mode, esp years ago, so I have a visceral response/reaction to it....... I think I've had it since I've had children, to be honest.

My children weren't too violent, thank goodness, but my niece and nephews were, pretty much unchecked, and then there's been the children my kids went to school with who bit, hit and bullied...... just a zero tolerance thing in my gut.

I ONLY want/am driven to channel Hol's appropriate anger into something not involving hitting/harming herself, others or property.

That's it.  You've boxed and likely have gloves and pads..... that's what I'd try to do, not that you're asking, but there it is.  Some people need to hit things.  It's just a fact.  I was one of those people.  Still love it if my shoulders weren't so touchy about it,. but I'd enjoy goading Hol into throwing smashing elbows, punches an open hand strikes till her legs couldn't support her and her bladder gave way.

THAT has the benefit of training her to protect herself AND create more peace/harmony in her life an those around her, which feels like priority to me.   

My bar, with regard to what I'd allow in my life and childrens' ......
is it legal?
Can they/I perform the action in a public place with strangers OR is it going to be problematic or illegal, etc? If not, it's not going to be allowed around me.  You feel you're absorbing it in a safe way for H?  With Hol?  Maybe you are.  You know.  I don't.

If she's not up for boxing..... I'd be the person who said I was walking away until the angry person could speak to me respectfully and without being violent.... then I'd retreat until they changed the behavior..... I think.  Kids are tricky and I'm not a perfect parent, so.... take the unsolisited adice with the obligatory grain of salt.

And....
I suddenly understand why the dog shows up on your doorstep, seeking shelter.  That's really scary, IME/IMO but then, I'm still struggling with guilt from sharing  pretty calm, but urgent verbal processing of problems in front of my younger children, performed in order to remain sane enough to continue protecting them to the best of my ability from monsters. 

I guess my internal mommy compass yearns to protect/teach Hol and channel her difficult feelings in ways I found super helpful.  That's pretty much that, not that you're asking, but I'd allow those conversations ONLY if she was wearing gloves and I was holding pads during it.

Otherwise..... otherwise.....
  My thoughts fly apart in the face of allowing Hol to splash apart peace and harmony around her, including her own. 

I think you should see how that pink ish color works for you.  I didn't know how differnt blues, pinks and cream would look on Christmas cookies this year, but DD21 mixed and used them to produce cookies any Pottery Barn catalogue would be envious of. 

If it's OK....keep it. 
If it's not.... it's still OK.

  Repaint and you don't have to judge or justify it to anyone, including yourself, IME. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

For me, too, a chair-smashing presence would cause a short circuit and immediate directions to the exit. I just don't feel an obligation to adapt to the most forceful energy in the room or pretend to be unaffected by it. It's still...force. To me, traumatizing. I ain't a placating audience for this sort of show. Somebody can use up their rage or frustration somewhere else if they have eruption issues. Go split wood until you're exhausted, Hol. It's energy and you can make it useful.

About the pink discussion. I remembered being just enraptured by the gentle illumination in a friend's home, which I attributed to her learning from film industry light designers, etc. Turned out was it was simply her choice to use pink-filmed light bulbs everywhere. Very subtle ones and the effect was never so strong I ever caught on, but once she told me why the space felt that way, I was pretty dazzled. I can't find bulbs with a mild pink tint these days. Hers were incandescent, another issue. I'd love gentle LED bulbs with that tinge if I could find them, but all I see seem to be an aggressive tint. "Party" bulbs, etc. Oh well.

I'm def a fan of intriguing paint with a subtle pink cast, too. I painted a room once with a paint literally named "Pink-ish."

Barbie and bubblegum pinks belong in horrid plastic toys, imo. No appeal to me.

I remember my ex², the artist, telling me passionately to use color any way I liked unafraid. "Look what nature does!" he nearly yelled. "Forget about matchy-matchy!" Stuck with me and I always appreciated that lesson.

hugs,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Happy New Year.

Re: Hol's "temper tantrums". She's had them since she was born. When she began talking at 3, they lessened somewhat. But she still had them, whenever she didn't have words to explain or felt threatened or totally confused. I used to just grab her and hug her and let her scream/cry it out until she calmed. That energy got translated into physical outlets in grade school. She was a runner. She works - yep; splitting wood, cutting brush, all kinds of physical labor. She built a gym for herself. S got her boxing gloves but won't spar with her. My tai chi teacher said Hol was the most naturally talented student she'd encountered. She KNOWS this is a good way to channel that energy.

The chairs thing didn't begin until we had the space for it to. And she was doing some heavy lifting internally over processing different situations when she'd been NOT seen, or heard, or even acknowledged as existing and having valid feelings. Situations where she didn't matter... but "things" did... more than her. And other people's feelings mattered more than hers. And yes, I wasn't happy the first couple times she resorted to this. But she paid for the replacements. Accepted responsibility. Apologized.

But while verbally processing all those situations where she felt frustrated and helpless to be heard/matter... she would still occasionally hit the same point. The floor is a little worse for wear, the chairs were functional but nothing special... and each time she came to that point the intensity lessened. No chairs have been harmed in a year. She has picked one up a couple times, considered her actions, and put it down and looked for other words, or accepting a hug, or listening to my perspective/observations.

As for me, I learned to not just absorb her energy. Witness, yes. Acknowledge her anger and that her feelings and perspective are valid. And as none of her outbursts were about ME, to that degree, I didn't react in kind. Sometimes, there would be a little projection or transference. And I learned to separate that stuff out. And stand my own ground. Expressions of anger in people around me aren't scary to me. I don't NEED to control it or shut it down; though time/place/other people considerations usually find me between the "innocent" and the angry person.

Yeah, I get that many people aren't comfortable with expressions of anger physically. And that this "work" is unusual. But no one gets hurt. Nothing is thrown AT anyone. And there is trust being built - her with herself, as she begins to control/choose her outward expressions and between us - ie, I'm giving her space be her authentic self without judging it. We usually debrief those episodes a week or two later. When she's had a chance to further process how she got to that point of explosion. She is most definitely improving and refining her control over the expression.

And B is allowed now, to teach a little when he is included (or wishes to be included) in those sessions. He has a lot more experience with the same phenomenon. Remember, I've been very physical too. And have my own evolution with anger. I am not in danger when she's mad about someone else. Nor am I her target instead. And she has been making heroic progress at sorting out the life experience, emotional experiences, and intellectual structures in her own "puzzle".

Taking the "verboten" out of her anger has helped her to understand it isn't an essential part of her that defines her as "bad". She's found the reasons why anger gets activated - for her. She is seeing how other people manage their own, differently - and for different reasons. She's finding her own "chooser" of expression that better evokes the acknowledgement/validation she's seeking.

As for the "pink" issue... it hardly rates on the significance scale. Yeah, there are the associations with stuff that was forced on me (that was a lot like trying to put a tutu on a pig) and ways I actually WAS girly, but then dismissed as being too tomboyish or klutzy to pull it off. All that is stuff long over the damn. My favorite description of this color is the inside of a seashell. And as we age, all females look better in warmer light. Those light bulbs are genius Hops! I think the paint will have the same effect.