Farm Journal - 2025

[lighter]

Oh, I blabber on about mental health and suggestions.....
every single time, karma rises to remind me....I should focus on telling my own self😉

Lordy, what a weekend.....and the heat pressurized everything and made me pink.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

The heat is positively brutal! I'm hiding from it until it breaks, later in the week. Yes, it takes a toll on people as they struggle to do what needs to be done, in it. Tempers get volcanic and everything seems harder.

S'ok Hops. It's an easy misunderstanding and I don't disagree with what you said - I know that kind of resistance, first hand. I didn't ever force anything like that on Hol; always let her choose what her interest was. I do congratulate her on good jobs and what is clearly talent, in various directions. It was really, really helpful for her to see her oldest sister I think. (J's mom is a psychologist and J is well-versed in dealing with inner demons.)  Amy isn't any more sober; but at least she's less belligerant and hostile. There were no deep, heavy meaningful conversations... and that's OK. She's talking.

I'm just staying hunkered down till the heat breaks back into the 80's again.

[lighter]

At 2:30pm I was standing in full sun, yesterday, watering clover seedlings ...some wilting and yellow.
::playing Ide to Tuna in my head::.
"You shall not die!!"

Not in my watch.  Of course, I now depend on contractor, at lake, to turn on sprinkler, I set up, after watering everything with a hose for an hour.

Those darling clovers are doing well, under shady weeds.  The ones on bare clay, not so much. 

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

You water in full sun? Doesn't that burn the plants? I've always heard water early morning or at dusk. In heat waves, especially - because then the water doesn't immediately evaporate. I'll water when the shade gets around to places, unless it's horrendous like it's been.

Today is our first chance of thunderstorms. So I'll have to spend days weeding & trimming.

[lighter]

I only water in full sun when I'm skittering out of State, late, and the alternative is burned to death, sans water.

The contractor said he'd run the sprinkler when he's there.  At least some of the clover should make it.

[Hopalong]

Amber, back on MAY 14TH (!!@#$%^&*!!), you asked me some very kind questions and somehow I sailed past them and never responded. I'll take the chance now! And btw, asking questions like that is uber caring, imo. I'm grateful you did/do.

....Hops? Are you content and reasonably happy with your current life? Sounds like you're still keeping a hand in with gardening, you have Pup for companionship - reliable assistance for the things that are important and loads more activity involving people than I'd be comfortable with. How's the writing going?

I'd say content in some ways -- notably the positive side of living alone, with my escapism and self-indulgences intact. I have no to-do lists or urgent projects, though in spring/summer I do usually do a few household improvements. This afternoon I'm getting a quote on replacing half my cork kitchen floor (dumb original choice) which a burst pipe ruined. Ouch. The other accomplishment, silly as it sounds, was getting the guy to take a big batch of annuals and plant them in my refurbished old wheelbarrow that my parents bought in the 40's. It's a gentle yellow with white handles and legs, funnily broad, etc. I always enjoyed using it (when I had a back) but the rust was marching in. Now it's a color explosion with coral begonia in the middle and all sorts of random colors around that. Looks really joyful.

I spent a fair amount on Slow Former Handyman, but it got done. Only downside for me was that I literally could do nothing (my back). Couldn't grab the bag of potting soil, bend over several times to load the barrow, bend again to plant anything. I had to hire help for all of it. Positive again, I think it was last fall I had him install the new lovely black screen/storm door to the patio, which makes me happy every time I use it.

NOT content with the ADD-avoidance of home tidying/decluttering/paperwork processing, which I know I've mentioned a lot. The degree to which I can let such things slide is not normal, and I am approaching it by pondering one square foot at a time. Does that mean I do it daily? Nope. It's shaming or self-shaming and it's the #1 thing I grieve, really. This little house has lovely bones and could be beautiful, and I had many dreams of visual serenity and happiness such that I've let slide.

I know my D has been back on my mind a great deal since I heard from her half-bro that she thought she'd be coming to live with me again since she told him she has "no other options" -- I think truthfully -- so I don't know if she's safe. Making that decision (answering No, via him) is the hardest thing I've done in a long time. I stand by it, but it feels like cancer of the heart. He didn't follow up as he said he would but when I asked, he said she hadn't responded further. She was at one point in an abusive relationship when she wound up in a hotel-stay program for the homeless, and as far as I know her time there ran out. I have no idea about her income (I think disability?) but know her health is really bad. Her instability, physical pain/s, steroid dependency (Addison's)  and bipolar are endless miseries. Put more simply, although highly intelligent she's also crazy. Breaks my heart.

Pup's companionship has mellowed and gotten to be a real joy, after a very rough start. He's still not well trained because, you guessed it, a lot of repetitive bending. But he's no longer eating everything in reach including furniture legs, he's much much sweeter and has discovered the real joys of cuddling. He's about 15 lbs max, whew, and makes me laugh every single day. He's got a crazy face (mildly undershot jaw and frequent Rodney Dangerfield expressions), a wonderful curved-up tail, and about three different breed-coats, so sometimes he looks like a dandelion on a bad day, which makes him even cuter. He's pure people bait because the total effect is cuteness overload. He was bouncing straight up and down inside the storm door recently as a delivery guy came to the porch and the man was just grinning ear to ear. To have a pet make people so happy is very joyful for me.

Writing's slow, which I don't mind, but my work is maturing too. I have one about my fundamentalist preacher relative that I'm really proud of, so intend to actually Send It Out! Mirabile dictu.

That was fun, in the Me Me Me department, and I'm really happy you asked!

Hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Well, you've had longer silent spells on the board recently. So I wondered. I was also thinking about my own and the why's & wherefores of them. So, comparing notes sort of. Wondering about this life stage and what I want to make of it (and IF that's even worth "designing" - LOL).

B brings a chaotic mess - which is sometimes quite joyful - into my house. He's seen my limits though - it's not so much OCD as the chaos causes anxiety for me and I MUST act to stop that. Our main living space isn't large - think tiny house or one-room cabin (even though there's a lot more house around that area) so clutter is an ongoing tidal ebb & flow. I can tolerate that within reason - and occasionally "triumph" temporarily. LOLOL. For me, maintaining a low ratio of mess in the main space IS self-care. Something I practice for my own sanity. For B, it means he can easily see the last place he put something down - instead of having to look in 6 different places. And then forgetting what he was looking for - when he finds something else that "disappeared".

LOLOLOL.

We tried the only local Chinese take-out place yesterday, out of experimentation. It's not bad - but I was hoping for a little more "hot" in my Szechuan. Next order, I'll add a note. So while we're way out in the boonies, within 15-20 mins we have the local butcher/grocery which makes super burgers & Italian subs, a combo Mex-Italian sit-down restaurant that does pizza & subs & dinners to go, and now the Chinese restaurant to pick from. There is a standard "American Chain Restaurant" type place... but I think they're pricy for what they deliver. Oh, and a couple old-time diners around various nearby towns. B needs his liver & onions every so often. I need a good pastrami rueben... LOL.

It's as quiet a life as we're allowed (by other people's problems) to enjoy. Simple, no drama. Well, except the healthcare battle endures... and it's all just entropic, piddly BS. His over-sized reaction to it, is starting to mellow out a little. The last major blow - was his T blaming Vets for faking/overplaying the PTSD symptoms to get more money from the gov't. That one still stings him. (B doesn't even claim PTSD... so I'm guessing T needed to blow off steam & thought B was a "safe" person to do it with. They've worked together 30 years. Probably needs to retire or at least an extended sabbatical.)

We have a small local hospital that can handle med-flights into the "city over the mountain" 's major trauma center. My step-D is the liason for that regional coordination between all of the trauma centers & ERs. And there's an associated clinic here. So not bad for rural medicine.

We've not been enjoying any time in the "city over the mountain". It's WAAAAAY too much NoVa in traffic & rudeness these days and something dysfunctional has happened to it's art & music scene. Hol only goes there to shop the ethnic groceries and visit a handful of friends these days too. She hits B'more only for dentist appts & will sometimes schedule friend visits... but that's less often these days. We can get everything we "need" right here. And oftentimes, it's better quality (yeah, we pay for it) - local, clean meats, fresh produce in season, all the staples required to live here... it's only rarely we even see "the dark side" of society. Our bank branch was robbed a year or so ago. There have been a few rare murders.

I guess one can argue that insulating oneself from "life these days" is anti-social and therefore a "bad thing". But I consider it self-preservation in that I'm not getting pushed, pulled, attention-grabbed sixteen ways to Sunday all the time. I paid my dues in that respect over the years, and now just want to live each day peacefully. Anytime I need a "dose" of what's going on in the rest of the world, there's the internet. And I walk away from it a LOT more now. Plenty of work that's more gratifying around here! Making "pretty".

[sKePTiKal]

OH HEY...

I noticed Lighter's been watching Chateau Youtubes. I have followed the channel "Escape to Rural France" for ages. Dan is restoring the Chateau de Chaumont, with his friend Nick (expert arborist with many other skills) and Brian (seeming a jack of all trades; climbing expert). Anyway, Brian started a Vlog which - if one is looking for peaceful, funny sometimes, "day in the life" kind of humanity - is MOST refreshing. The other day he mentioned it would help him out if we shared the channel with friends.

This is the latest - and includes Chaumont and their puppies. Who love Brian to death.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4Ppjiz5-N0

[lighter]

He lost me at "talking to Sarah" about the gray card...."do'in me head in," but will go back once my patience bank replenishes.

I do love love love these shows, Amber😁

I, too, am pondering the shape and breadth of my life ...what I want more of, etc.  I'm surprised how tickled I am with the wedding stuff.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Apparently, France requires an additional bit of info to be registered about a car, with the state. Not just VIN number. That's the gray card that is flustercating him. He's right; it should be simple to do online - but when the internet is intermittent, the webpages don't function correctly... it's easier to go do it in person. (Seems like overkill on the info - but it's funny what info people think is important.)

Brian is loved for his "Dad jokes" while working with Dan & Nick on the Chateau. He's an easy-going, cheerful, friendly guy. And anyone the puppies love that much, has to be OK - their "jerk-o-meter" is pretty accurate. I like the way he talks to his audience like we're right there - tells us to get in the car when he's heading for his little adventures or pack a bag and shows us places we wouldn't ordinarily see on the usual "tourist channels".

The Chaumont channel is also really positive - even when it seems their task today is impossible, monumentally tedious or difficult (like all the rope work off the turret to finish the slate roof & copper trim). I don't know what the arrangement is between Dan and his wife (the first videos are them renovating a French farmhouse) but his little boys are with him on weekends. Dan's living in a yurt on site, while the reno is going on.

I watch a lot of these renos, not so much the other chateaus - but UK cottages. It's my escape to other places, other problems (that I don't have to solve), and a way to just check out for awhile.

[Hopalong]

Me too. UK cottages. Nice antidote to over-designed tiny houses (though I love the really individual ones) parked in stunning landscapes in NSW or NZ.

One of my favorites is a nerdy young gay guy in England who's lost both his parents and just moved to ab isolated rundown stone cottage in Ireland and is fixing it up, room by room and lots outdoors too.

I've enjoyed several women-in-wilderness ones too. Interesting. Never thought about how many times I'm drawn in by people living alone in wilderness or isolation, with only their camera for a friend, but talking to the world.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Watching castle and chateau renovations, on a budget, make me feel so much lighter about my projects, Amber.  I also absorb creative solutions, I might otherwise not have on board.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Yup, there's a lot out there that can be helpful & interesting in little ways/big ways. I'm also watching the vids of people giving up & moving on - for whatever reason. A lot of people think any old person can make a homestead work. Then they find out how much hard work is involved in building/developing a property. How it's impossible to get up & travel when you have animals.

Then, there are the people who find their individual "self" and freedom to BE, in their projects. Whether it's gardening, preserving, learning to lime wash & point stone walls... Building complex roofs. And the work become their joy.

I'm also watching a LOT of sewing vids. Historical fashion and techniques. Fancy dress patternmaking, tailoring. It's hitting the part of the summer, when I'll take refuge in the studio because it's too awful outside for me to work.

Still have some herbs to plant & garden to weed & tend; still have marigolds to get in out there. But I have to get motivated/moving VERY early in the morning to do so. Some days don't work out that way. And it's OK with me, that it doesn't get done RIGHT NOW. It's not going anywhere.

[lighter]

Oh....I like the historical fashion/sewing vids too.  The girls sew, so it pops up in my feed. Very interesting.

About giving up .....on homesteading....
on anything really.

It's not giving up/failing, to put down something that's not working, IME.  It's facing reality, and turning towards something that can work. 

That's the thing about judging......it's builds an unhelpful story around things, that otherwise can just be what they are, sans all the chemical dumps, IME.

Not failing/giving up. 
Discerning, and pivoting, yup yup yup.

And the lime washing and repointing.  Is there anything more satisfying to watch?  I'm not sure there is.  Check out Castle Impossible.  Love it.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Well I finally got a BREAK from the 'piling on' of things needing done... and drama. AFTER I had one of those nuclear explosion type of wielding the power of my "station in life". I was watching one situation quietly with intuition & observation fully engaged for months - and I had to stop it before it got completely out of control.

There is a list of things that this Mercury Retrograde dropped on us - all of us. Big and little. I just finallly reached the "Make it STOP" point.

Knuckles suddenly got ill; spent the night at Emergency Vet for extensive testing. He has Addison's Disease. It's an extreme hormonal imbalance. Left untreated it can be fatal.

Hol was already beside herself upset, because contractor friend was working on a purely cosmetic "fun" project he'd been asked to help with. There were problems with every aspect of this project, from the get-go. Starting with: he'd spec'd incredibly heavy beams, that he was going to timberframe (with no experience and only 1 very young and inexperienced helper) WITHOUT any communication at all with Hol ('coz she is a "bitch") except to make her his go-fer for tools, supplies, etc that he didn't/couldn't bring to do the job.

Friend also brought along his 6 yo son, because Mom was about to deliver little sibling and expected me to entertain, and watch him. (Note that I'm paying him for his work and not getting paid for "childcare"). He wouldn't eat any foods at meals; not hotdogs; not pizza, not more than 3 bites of yogurt for breakfast. Dad said he could eat any snack from the box, throughout the day. Kid never left their room all week. Stayed on his computer the whole time, except to grab a snack. Despite having an en suite room, had an accident one day. OH, and he would only demand my attention if there was a bug in his room - which he was so terrified of bugs, he'd have screaming meltdowns over moths swarming the porchlight. Kid would NOT interact with me, didn't ask questions, and would look away when I asked him.

I'd heard suspicions that kid had suffered neglect & abuse - at Mom's. I didn't press him, just kept trying to offer foods he liked: watermelon & strawberries - and then he didn't eat them. By Thursday I was DONE. Beyond frustrated; fielding Hol's complaints about friend not even keeping her in the loop about dog management, trips to go-fer, or even how things were going. Friend's complaints about Hol. And his worst sin, was running B ragged trying to find the kinds of tools needed and using him all day long without ASKING or appreciating B's limitations.

Then he asked to get paid a day early, so he could get to the bank and go shopping for more drill bits he insisted were required. Hol & I had that afternoon to compare notes. That was the evening I became 10 ft. tall, and ballistic. It was late & the guys were proceeding to make a rowdy porch evening of it after I THOUGHT he'd put the kid to bed; I'd gone to bed - and they were THAT loud. Told him he was DONE; and I expected him to leave in the morning. Did.

He will NOT be back. Until he actually talks to Hol and explains himself; apologies aren't accepted as sincere.

I understood the scope of the project. I understood the heat & humidity was brutal. I understood he had no clear plan from the beginning, much less the tools to accomplish it. It was a total shitshow and the icing on the cake was his entitled bossy attitude with Hol, B and I the whole time. I am still angry over the dishonesty. There is SOMETHING going on with him, that was never brought up.

That was the biggest thing. Then B and I started working on the rest of the list - only to be informed on one of Hol's trips to the vet, that the sirens I'd heard early that morning was from an accident taking out ALL our mailboxes at the end of the road, at the highway. SIGH. MORE stuff to "do".

On our necessary errand trip and to pick up mail at PO, my phone rang 4 times; one after the other. Because I just don't drive and talk, I pulled over and called Hol back. She was hysterical and crying. She'd been string trimming at her place and sliced into a yellow jacket nest. In 15 mins she was swollen & covered in hives; severe allergic reaction. I was still 10 mins from home. She said she couldn't wait; was dropping Knuckles at my house and driving to ER. Yes, it was anaphylaxis. She now has 2 epipens. B needs some too - but we're very careful of his allergies. This was the first time she's ever reacted this severely; but we probably should've known after her poison ivy reaction the month before. 911 not an option; it would've taken 20 mins to get here and another 20 to get to hospital. Brave lass is determined to survive.

The close call endeth (I fervently HOPE) our litany of woes for awhile. It has certainly impacted her way of just diving in on things and being more careful; not pressing her luck. This week, we've just been lazy and enjoying the cooler weather. Recovering. Resting.

The necessary consultations have begun on the elevator project. It's going to be slow-moving thing until I'm comfortable with the contractors, then things should move right along. I've been just luxuriating in not having any "have tos" hanging over our heads. Whew!