N.

[Meh]

I've appointment number two with the counselor today and I feel vaguely spaced out put so much effort into getting it set up and going with my insurance and now that I have it feel like I don't care about it all that much. Is that it. It's not that I don't care.

It all really feels like too little too late. I will try to regroup and make something of it I guess. "Show up"

Maybe my goal should be to simplify everything.

[Meh]

So what can I say.

I feel like I am boring the therapist.

There is not a lot of structure to it they say like "so how are things going since last week" and then I sort of feel like I am just rambling and drifting off into thought like I feel like I am trying to make a point but I also just feel like I am boring them. I feel sad that I'm so boring?

I essentially said something like 1) I really don't have much of a support network but am trying to get out more often 2) my relative is always trying to get reactions out of me it seems like that is the point of their interaction is like baiting behavior.

I told her I treat my paycheck like my family, support network and my god. It's pragmatic.

It feels like nothing is happening other than boring her. What am I meant to do in therapy?

[sKePTiKal]

You're doing it Meh. You don't know the therapist; she doesn't know you. To YOU, talking about your life, your feelings your thoughts is boring. To her it's information. From which - with enough information - she may be able to suss out and see some patterns. Which is more information.

Takes a while. Don't expect miracles too soon. Maybe don't expect miracles at ALL, because I found that most of the benefits I got were simple, tiny adjustments in my way of analyzing experiences that allowed me to journal out all the difficult things TO myself. The anger. Frustration. Always putting myself last. People pleasing. Never asking for help.

And from that time (about 10 years ago now; I still have an active journal - but last entry was 2 years ago.) I just kept going... making new choices... accepting that being an introvert wasn't a BAD thing - and learning to push back on my extrovert friends who keep trying to make me more socially active. BLECH! Not to my taste. No thank you, I'm fine.

Of course, I'm skipping over the episodes of rediscovering trauma, all the symptoms that come from that.... and being able park that in the chronological history as just "something I went through". I had a chance as an adult to revisit all those emotions/half theoretical assumptions/conclusions... and choose something else. RESOLVING it once and for all.

I will wish that you find what YOU need in this process too.

[lighter]

Meh, what's in your Therapist's toolbox, regarding trauma processing?

Maybe something will click, if you understand how your T can, and usually works.

What can they offer?  What makes sense to you?

My T always goes in through the body ....where is the distress showing up?  What does it feel like?  What's behind it?  She goes from there ....every time, which makes sense to me.

Good on'ya for hanging in there, and not judging.

See what's there, ((Meh ))

Lighter

[Meh]

Thanks Lighter and Skeptical.

[Meh]

I do weird dumb stuff when I am stressed and out of sorts. I rarely lose things.

This morning instead of making great use of my time I spent an hour maybe looking for a key that was on a cord. I kept looking in bags over and over again. The same bags. I shoved my hands in my back pockets of my jeans over and over again as if the key would magically appear. Eventually as I was grazing my right hand over my right side I realized the key was dangling from my back under my shirt. It was tangled up in my bra I am not sure how I managed this feat of organizational skills. After an hour of looking for it and with my messed up life and my type that I am I felt like I was on the verge of barfing not entirely there but I was getting that stressed mad at self queasy feeling.

The place I was going to chill out to journal is closing soon.

I guess I will figure something out. I've got like multiple notepads with notes on them shoved in my bag. What do I need these notes for I am not sure but they are there.

I feel stressed in general like being delayed an hour doing something dumb I feel so fed up in so many ways. I've had a headache for like 4 or 5 days in a row.

Oh well. In theory I am going to meet a new-friend to go for a walk this week in a town nearby so maybe that is something to look forward to if the weather holds out and I don't show up like a complete basket case. I wish I had started my day earlier.

[lighter]

Wishing....
Regretting .....
Judging......
=
Time suck, and rarely positive movement forward, for me.

I used to lose my keys....a lot.  It moved me to purchase sturdy clips for every set, single and duo keys.....which leads to a smaller circle of patting down myself.....my purses....pockets and belt loops. Once, I clipped DD's keys to my shirt, absent mindedly, bc they were just lying on a counter, then ordered DD to search till she found them.  I was in the trouble, but DD keeps up a a tad better, than before, with her keys.

We also have extra keys, for everything.....this makes our boats go faster.

What I'm saying is..... systems are helpful.
Mindful systems are more helpful.
Being consistent, for a while, builds good routines.

We have a basket at front door where we, mostly, clip keys ...keep extra keys.  This works for us. 

What would work for you, Meh?

When you're calm.....think about it.  Journal about it.


BTW....I just read some statistics on journaling feelings......how it can process out trauma.....into historic files, which is everything, IME.

I used to do it, for relief, during terrible times.  I think journaling everything, daily, is wiser than I knew.  I think I do it here now!!!

Breathe, Meh.
Accept what you can't change.
Release expectations.
Be very kind to yourself.....and....

Drop judgement. 
Get curious.
Restore creative problem solving skills, and choice. Do what needs doing.....solve problems, then put the story on the shelf.

You've identified a problem.  It's solvable.  Will rumination help? 

You're brave enough to do the work of noticing, and considering outcomes and possibilities.

Lighter
P.S. I didn't proof this post....will likely change and correct.

[Hopalong]

Meh,
I wish I could show you examples of the chaos and squaliditude (TM) I live in from time to time, when I'm going through something emotionally stressful. I can relate to the shame and anger at self. I feel it every day when I've let the house go.

And I mean go VERY far down a dank hole. To the point of near scary. Then, I crawl out, an inch at a time. In the process of that right now.

I have really learned that shame can be toxic. I've learned I am entitled to take up oxygen and need what I need. I've learned not an ocean of it, but enough self-love to be kinder to myself about it. I've learned this aging-alone thing can't/won't always be lovely.

I used to wake up and instantly start a river of really lacerating self-criticism. Like a tape on a timer. I'd begin the day railing at myself for what I haven't done. Now, it's just a slow coffee. Shame isn't helpful to me. It's also unkind.

I like Lighter's idea of making your own keys system, including duplicates. I used to lose mine a lot. Now it's two pegs by the door. One for door key. One for car key. More than once I've had to come back inside to get the car key. I like the carabiners, too. With memory and motivation slipping more often, I need multiple little systems. Gotta start again.

About you fearing you're boring the therapist you're getting to see. I wonder what it'd be like if you shared that thought out loud? "I started thinking that I am boring you and it worries me." Even from a simple truth like that, a T gets helpful information. Hope you won't be afraid to experiment with telling her. More and more telling. How this feels, how something felt in the past, how you worry and stress. What you fear. What you yearn for.

You could try seeing the T in a different way. How about: SHE is a journal. So she will look blank sometimes. Her muted "prod" questions are just inviting you to turn to a fresh page.

I used intellect in therapy for ages, which made it VERY slow. Eventually, I learned that insight and intuition were more important for me. Going in, in, in but sharing it.

I can understand why it's all bringing up some stress for you, which sounds so natural. Once that eases (it will) I have visions of you finding some real healing. Your life will change because you are changing. You are accepting the idea of help, whether you feel huge change at a rapid pace or not.

I lost the ability to cry easily. The first time I cried with a T, I walked out feeling so much lighter. Humans need compassion and support from other humans. I hope you feel GOOD that you're seeking it out.

hugs
Hops