What would you think about this comment?

[Anonymous]

onlyrenting,

If you think that your husband could contemplate murdering you, then your choice isn't about money, it's about personal safety and survival. It doesn't matter whether he is officially a narcissist if you're afraid of him and don't trust him. The issue is: will this man murder you if you become inconvenient? If you think he would, then I don't exactly understand the conflict. I would escape with my life.

bunny

[onlyrenting1]

Merry Christmas.

Question to Why I think or Know he has NPD

This how it happened.

1. 5 yrs ago after my husband had the 1st of many surgeries.
Both my daughter an I went to a counselor, this was to help us both try and understand his behavior. bottom line we didnot know he was N and so the focus was "Well he is in pain and he will feel better after he heals."

2. I was concerned that the meds he was on and the depression he had was he sucidal, I ask for his Physcolgical report and the resceptionist gave it to me. There was a Diag with N behavior. (no other Disorders)

All this time until I read this Message board I believed N was selfish.
the report only said the Diag....and maybe his behavior like he appears to be surpressing something..

So I know he is ... All of you confirm the behaviors I now see to be true

I would go to a thearpist with another view now and this may be helpful
I would not even consider him going because It would all be my problem. And he is right. I have believed he would get over the attitude after the pain was gone, but now I know It's changes I need to make to move on.

Thanks Have a great Day  YOU ALL HAVE BEEN SO HELPFUL PLEASE KNOW I'M SO THANKFUL FOR ALL YOUR TIME AND UNDERSTANDING.

[onlyrenting1]

Bunny,
I do not believe he would murder me. no boubt in my mind.
But what I think and believe appears to be fooling me.

Do you believe Scott would murder Lacy?
I heard the Amber Fry tapes, Scott,  never became angry. more like no emotion. Anger is an emotion...so maybe that is good?

My N-husband appears to be non-violent and maybe possessing some lower level N-behavior.
I'ts the search for what is real and what is the Fake N.  

The Fake N is so charming and wants to be with his family.
or is this the  true N.

My Husband is Non trusting and makes comments that I must be having affairs everytime I work late for OT. not Happy that I'm bring in more money.
When I went to Dallas, he got so upset he wanted a DNA swab of my daughters mouth because maybe she wasn't his.
She had to stay with a friend while I was gone because it worried  me to leave her with him... She cried when she was at school and told her friends her Dad said he wasn't her father.  

I'm the same all the time I go to work and come home every nite.
Never in our marriage have I given him a reason to worry.

He lies to family and tells them crazy stories..
If we divorced I'm sure he would spin tales and I would want to be prepared.
I would want his family to help me before all this would happen and try and understand why he treats them in his N-way.  Maybe have support going my way as to my decision to move on.  

If all these are lies, If I can know what to expect from him I will be able to handle the storm with greater strenghth.
If I thought there was a way to just Ignore his lies and put some boundries that would work, maybe I could deal with him.

I have been on this board everyday looking for clues and making decisions to better my home enviroment setting these boundries and thinking about myself more.

Living with an N in pain and it's all about him ALL the time has been slowly put in the back of my mind.
Every time I'm here writing means It's about me.

Soon I will not want to think about the N or even care to figure it out.

I will just say this is the way it is but for now I need to change my mind set about my life......I also find it helpful to share and know others are in some of the same struggles as I.

Thanks Bunny,  Hope your having a great Christmas. Thanks for spending your time to write to me.

I decided not to deal with my other N-family this year so I'ts been all about reconizing the N's and setting them back a peg or two for me.
I consider it my Christmas Gift to myself.

Onlyrenting

[Anonymous]

A great xmas gift to yourself onlyrenting   Thanx for answering about the N diagnoses.  

It looks as if at least one of your main worries is how far your husband would go with his abusive streak if you made a big change in the relationship or even left it.if you both couldn't agree on living in the same place for example, which is tied in with the money issue which seems like a provocative one on its own as well.

He already made a very weird and cruel comment about putting the dog down if you separated.this is more telling about him than what he said about scott peterson.

The more you write about him the more clear it is to see that he has the qualities of someone with full blown NPD.this may sound like it is coming out of left field but when N is being wildly irrational such as constantly accusing of affairs and even going as far as wanting a DNA swap of your daughter's to prove it is his,  i would urge you to be very careful regarding **him** sexually. they are often projecting their very own behaviors that they are doing or have done in the past, onto their partners and then chastising their partners for it. this includes affairs or sexual promiscuity many times.Not uncommon at all, and i can't tell you how many partner's of N's have found this out later.

but what stands out to me the most is your own gut feelings that seem to be nagging at you regarding your safety.i would listen to that little piece of intuiton.i know you mentioned you didn't think he would hurt you or your daughter-- but it is followed by a **but**  "no one thought that of scott" or **but**"what i think seems to be being proven wrong". what i am saying is that your internal instincts, voices intuitions are your best friends right now in helping you make the decisions you need to & they are so important to listen to.

well-- i'm glad you are having a fairly peaceful xmas.you deserve it. my thought are with you & i wish you strength in all of this.

[Anonymous]

Do you believe Scott would murder Lacy?
I heard the Amber Fry tapes, Scott,  never became angry. more like no emotion. Anger is an emotion...so maybe that is good?

Scott Peterson is a cold-blooded, calculating individual. Your husband sounds highly emotional and paranoid by comparison. Please put your daughter's welfare above his.

take care..

bunny

[onlyrenting1]

Bunny, emotional and Paranoid?

Check this out, we exchange gifts and were making dinner.

He gets pissy because we all went to help out and he thought our 12 yr old made a face like she didn't want to help. so he got mad and said forget just throw it all away.

I can't believe I did this but I took the cucmbers he was cutting and threw them out And said fine lets just thow is all away.
My daughter's mouth just dropped that I did that.

He went and stuffed himself away in our room.
My daughter and I were playing games and having some fun.

He just came out and said he didn't want his gift from me, then I said fine and gave him all of his gifts back.
Out daughter got his and my gifts.

I have just had enough and Im tired of putting up with this crap.

I'm sure I could've been more mature but I just lost it.

I'm not upset and didn't let it ruin my day... Just didn't feel like fixing it and making it better.  Acting like he does to me just appeared to be what I needed to do.... Onlyrenting

[Anonymous]

onlyrenting,

You did good!!!!!

Not immature. GOOD GOING!!!!!

This is how to deal with him. He will learn much faster from your not putting up with crap. It's called boundaries.

congratulations!

bunny

[onlyrenting1]

Bunny, COOL..........

Thanks for the support I had a big smile on my face.

So I'm reading this and My N- says ok he will be out on the 1st and will be picking up the Divorce -papers.....And be sure and not contact his family.
right now he's letting me know don't worry he will just mail them to me.

I'm just typing away trying to Ignore him with no response.

[bludie]

Dear onlyrenting1,

You go girl. Don't let him ruin the day. Ignoring him right now is best -- Ns hate indifference. And as I read your last few posts it's made me thank my lucky stars. I've felt a bit blue all day thinking of last Christmas (we were together in the desert southwest with my ex-Ns family -- sounds idyllic but it wasn't). The lunacy you're describing of an N making everyone around them nuts, especially during a holiday, is just the bit of reality I needed to have interjected in my day.

Thanks and hang in there.

bludie

[BlueTopaz]

Just didn't feel like fixing it and making it better

Hi OnlyRenting,

Merry Christmas to you, and to everyone.  And Congrats...

Maybe he has come to expect you to be in that placatory role as the one who tries to make the results of his faulty behavior better, and I think you did the best thing by stepping out of it.  

Doing so is also something that can help to give you your sense of confidence, power and strength back, where your thinking on what to do regarding your relationship with him can be much more balanced, and where you can feel a greater sense of control over the situation.  

Best...

BT

[onlyrenting1]

All of you being in my life right at this moment is giving me so much support that I need. I will keep you posted. I get a feeling things may escalate.

I'm having a great day... I promise will stop fixing the bad behavior.

1. Doing this on Christmas Day is a bunch of crap.

....He is the one all alone.

My daughter and I are fine. We had some apple pie and watched some good movies.
She is sitting here reading to me and were both not worried.

I will just wait and see if he goes thru with getting the Divorce Papers.
This is where I need to be, Him thinking this is his Idea.

(my daughter doesn't know what he said. He may want to send some pain and make sure she knows about his plan to get a divorce)

All of this will be my fault somehow, but that's ok.

My daughter will likley get some flack. I may need to let her stay at a friends house while I'm at work. She is on vacation and it might work out for the best.

Keep watching for my post . I'm looking to get some good direction from you very wise ladies.   Thanks so much... Onlyrenting

[BlueTopaz]

when N is being wildly irrational such as constantly accusing of affairs and even going as far as wanting a DNA swap of your daughter's to prove it is his, i would urge you to be very careful regarding **him** sexually. they are often projecting their very own behaviors that they are doing or have done in the past, onto their partners and then chastising their partners for it. this includes affairs or sexual promiscuity many times.

Onlyrenting-BT again:

I was just back-reading some of the messages in this thread.  I don't know how you feel about this issue (it's a very heavy one) and I only want to say that it is a really good point to always keep in mind with N's.

When they get unaturally crazy-vehement about something so "twilight zone" nonsensical, it can be a "red flag" that they could be projecting what they are doing or have done in the past.   I used to be on some message boards for N partners, and stories of insane accusations were later found out to be projections of an unfortunate reality, too many times.

It does not at all have to be so by any means of course, but their relentless irrational accusations about anything, can at the least, serve as an important "heads up" flag.

BT

[onlyrenting1]

BT

I know what you're saying. I wish I could use that excuse to say he is the one having an affair. It would make it easier to think, Please go be with the other woman.

He has accussed me of having and affair with anyone I want to be friends with or have a relationship with anyone at work, men, women, black,white  and now his own 10 yr older brother.

His own brother made a comment ,my Husband told him he didn't like him to e-mail me.
His brother said it was tho he was being accused of doing something  sexual with me over the internet.

Even now as I have been on the internet working on my Geneology while chating with you ladies. I will be accused of taking up arms with the MEN haters of the world.  

He doesn't know that I think he is an N so he is not thinking I'm taking forces up against him. But if he knew he would be making remarks.

I get tired of this crap too...
 
I try and just blow it off and agree with him.
"Yea that's what I'm getting dressed for in the morining to go out and be the whore that I am.  And you love me so much you understand my Nempho needs...Im so lucky...."

I just don't play the paranoid game of thinking he's saying this to get the guilt off of himself.  However, I will keep in mind when he says this again I should point out those that accuse are the one's doing the DEED!

I wonder there must be another reason like wanting control that he does this..

Thanks, this is so undermineing to any relationship.  Onlyrenting

[Anonymous]

My N- says ok he will be out on the 1st and will be picking up the Divorce -papers.....And be sure and not contact his family.
right now he's letting me know don't worry he will just mail them to me.

I'm just typing away trying to Ignore him with no response.

What a joke. There will be no divorce papers (unfortunately). He's just trying to bait you. Keep ignoring him.

bunny

[BlueTopaz]

It could be an added discomfort that since he has lied to his family so much, his brother communicating with you might make him nervous in terms of what would come out if the two of your spoke.  He would probably be imagining the two of you scheming against him, and find this highly threatening as well.  

No, it would not serve you at all to worry about all kinds of things where you don't see anything strange in your environment. Only to be safe and remain very prudent, particularly when some of these behaviors (projection) are very "N-common", so you would be able to immediately recognize a sign of something strange should it come up, for what it could really mean.

I wonder there must be another reason like wanting control that he does this..

If he is accusing you of having affairs with even women that you might like to be friends with...  Accusing you of that with just anyone and everyone that you speak with, then it sounds like it could also be a control and isolation issue.  

Many abusers try to isolate their partners from all outside contacts (family, friends, co-workers) in order to attempt to maintain control and keep the status quo (how the abuser wants it) within the relationship. To them, outside influences in any form are threatening.  They do not like anything that might cause you to change the way you think (they have you where they want you), or might cause you to change anything within relationship.  

They also fear abandonment in that you will "see the light" in talking with others, and leave them.  

More distant than their needs, is that they may not want others to hear about how the relationship is, either.  

One way they are able to succeed with the isolation is to create sheer hell around the issue of their partner talking with anyone else, and it just becomes too emotionally traumatizing and destroying to face the abusive, vile, dumbfounding in irrationality, barrage of punishment that never tires of being dished out.  So, the emotionally weakened partner complies in order to keep the peace  

BT