Dear onlyrenting1,
I have never been in a 26-year marriage, so I can only imagine the myriad incidents, behaviors and examples you must be sorting through to determine whether your husband is an N, has N-traits, or as it's been suggested, has other undetermined issues. I certainly can understand the numb feeling you describe.
Had it not been for our couples counselor mentioning NPD, I might never have been able to pinpoint what really went down with my ex-fiance. It wasn't until after the breakup and I was seeing this counselor individually that I began to investigate NPD. The more I learned, the more it became clear that this was the crux of the situation with my ex-N. Prior to that I had only considered that he was an alcoholic who wouldn't embrace recovery.
At first everything I read or learned applied to him -- his tendencies and behaviors. Gradually during the weeks, then months, after the breakup I began to look at myself. Since most of the focus during the relationship had been his needs, his agenda, even his kids and their problems, I allowed him to become the center of my universe. It became necessary to shift the focus back to me: what I did, my behaviors and tendencies. Admittedly, I didn't like what I saw -- a woman who had given up her freedom, sense of independence and sense of self in exchange for an unhealthy relationship that ultimately hijacked my life. I even allowed the relationship with my daughter to take a back seat.
My point in sharing this is to convey the idea that we run the risk of continued codependency if the N remains the focus in our lives. Without outside help we may think we're diagnosing behaviors, traits, etc. but I wonder if this isn't better left to a professional? Otherwise the pattern continues -- we're obsessed about our Ns -- which is right where they want us.
So I am wondering if you've considered counseling? This might give you the balance and perspective needed to sort through all of this.
Best,
bludie
