Hi everyone,
Thank you so much for all the feedback. It is really helping me to process. Here are my replies to various people:
Again, I don't understand why it's up to him. He is a very sick individual.
Why would you need an apology and honesty from a person whose psyche has
severe distortions, who can't function normally, and who is seriously
emotionally disturbed? You dodged a bullet! Isn't it possible that he broke
off the engagement to protect you? Maybe he cares about you in his own
twisted way. The only way he could deal with reality was to mess up the
whole thing.
Yes, I dodged a bullet. It is an interesting take on it, that he broke it off with me because he cares about me in his own twisted way. I seriously doubt it though. He is a textbook Narcissist. He is amoral. He thinks only about himself.
I know I'm chipping in a bit late here, but thought I'd let you know
Confused 2 that I agree that finding out these details 'behind his back' as
it were is invaluable in dealing with a breakup with an N.
Thank you for affirming that knowledge is good. It HAS been good for me. As I said earlier, if I didn't have the knowledge I have through seeing what he has said about me, his last letter to me would have completely stirred things up for me again. Instead, I was able to see right through it to his real intentions, which were to save face. Again, a classic Narcissistic quality.
you could spend some considerable time waiting for the Œsorry¹
that never comes but I don¹t think this is the point. Your pride/self-worth
has been hurt and you want to regain power for yourself, either by his
downfall or by an apology - revenge in other words? It sounds like this will
fade with time though.
I am not really waiting for an apology. That would be a miracle. But, the more I see his life play out, the more I confirm my diagnosis of his NPD. I can't wait to see how he devalues his current source of N-supply. I am sure it will happen. She is a platonic friend of his who is cheering him on to launch his transgendered porn star career. He is feeding off of her affirmation. But I am sure that will end when he realizes his current fantasy is not possible. (He looks gawd-awful in his dresses and make-up and he's 50 years old for crying out loud....)
As for revenge, I have already decided NOT to use what I've learned in his emails to get revenge. I just want to see his undoing. There is a Chinese proverb that goes something like this: "If you sit by the side of the river long enough, eventually you will see the body of your enemy float by." I am going to sit at side of this river for a while longer.
Reading his email seems to be one way of repeatedly re-confirming the facts to yourself so that you can in time detach and reach the stage where you are no longer interested enough to read his email. You just won¹t care what he does and you will have moved on.
YES! That's exactly what I am doing by reading his email. Thank you!!! I am repeated reconfirming the facts because my emotional involvement in this relationship was complete. I gave him everyting I had emotionally. It appeared he was doing the same with me. And then whoosh! He was gone in a cloud of dust and I was a hit and run victim.
If you want to feel high sexual attraction,
being worshipped etc then there¹s going to be a downside when the initial
highs wear off. Big highs can¹t be sustained, there have to be lows. Depends if you want highs and pain and hurt or sharing, intimacy, becoming a partnership rather than two people playing out their childhood stuff with each other. That sounds very blunt. But I think I mean it
I like exciting, passionate relationships and it's a bit disappointing to think that the passionate ones are all doomed. One good thing that has come from this is that I no longer have any ground rules to go by. I thought this was it. I thought this was exactly how romance is supposed to happen. And look how it turned out. So, now, I am a blank slate with no guidelines and that is probably a good thing in a Zen sort of way.
You really think I should be worried about violating him???Have you violated him as such? Sorry if I missed something. It sounds to me like you¹re only reading his email and that doesn¹t exactly hurt him does it?
Thank you. I have not done ANYTHING other than to read his email. And I have an arsenal to use against him if I chose to. But I have chosen NOT to. It's all for my healing and the only revenge I am getting is that I know how APPALLED he would be if he knew that I, of all people, had all of this damning information about him. It's a silent "f__k you" to him.
About the ethical part, I can see that when we do something secretively
(read his email) it might be hurting us. But we make that choice. Kind of
³this feels wrong but I¹m going to do it anyway and take full responsibility
for my choice. I might learn things that will hurt me terribly. I might feel
voyeuristic. But I want to know the facts as far as I can and this is how to
do it. So I choose.² If I have this access and choose not to read his stuff,
what does that do to my ethics? I feel very honest, righteous,
self-controlled, virtuous and am none the wiser about what¹s really going
on. That would make me feel ill (with a very high curiosity level, it would
probably give me headaches just trying not to think about it).
Thank you! A good take on it. I think that what I am doing is completely healthy, at least in the short term.
Speaking of curious, can I ask what type of job you have?
I am not a psychotherapist. I said I was a mental health professional because I have a degree that would allow me to practice psychotherapy. But I am actually in the field of higher education.
I think it¹s okay to read his email so long as you don¹t
act against him for your own ends on anything you read. That¹s crossing the line to me, that would hurt me and my conscience.
Yes, I've already stated several times that I am simply reading it for my own healing and affirmation and not to destroy his life. He is doing a good job destroying it himself.
For some reason (I'm pretty certain it had to do with a Mindful Meditation class I took during the breakup http://www.umassmed.edu/cfm/history.cfm)I didn't engage in the same coping mechanisms of my past. Instead, I got 'present' with the pain
In the wake of the break-up, I read practically every book that Cheri Huber wrote. She is a Zen teacher and her books are deceptively simple and full of truth. I am pretty sure I am taking a two-pronged approach: 1)insight meditation plus reading AND 2) getting back out in the world and doing things that bring me joy.
Thank you for all the wonderful feedback. Each time I talk about it, I take another step toward healing.
Confused2 (getting less confused all the time...)
