Legally Speaking ...

[Cadbury]

Hello everyone!

Still trying to cut ties with my ex-N. He is being very difficult and I have been so strong. He just won't listen. So many times I have told him that he is hurting me and making my life hell but he can't see it. I can't even begin to describe the ways in which he tries to get control of me again. As you may know I am expecting his baby and I just wondered if anyone knew or had experience of the UK law where his contact with the baby was concerned. I don't want to deprive a child of its father, but I do have serious concerns of him having a lot of contact time with the baby. Also at first I will be breastfeeding and so he won't be able tohave the baby for any length of time as I will need to feed it. I really don't know how to get over all this. If I don't see him until the baby is born, I worry about how I will cope with having to see him for contact.
 
Any advice at all appreciated. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Try this for starters:

http://www.briefjacquig.co.uk/articleformatter.php?filelocation=articles/020911000336.html

bunny

[Anonymous]

It seems that you will have all the parental rights unless you have a formal agreement with your ex-N to share the rights.

My question is, if he is as bad as you describe him, why would you want your child to be also exposed to this behaviour? I can understand the concept of 'not wanting to deprive a child of its father' but would this be the best for the child?
It's hard to plan exactly what will happen in the future, my advice would be to not promise or plan any contact arrangements at this stage.

Best Wishes to you.

[serena]

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/3902457.stm

I don't know if this will help.  My understanding is that parents are only denied access if there are issues surrounding abuse or violence, particularly towards the child.

http://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/

The best thing you could do is find your local 'citizen's advice bureau' and make an appointment.  They are amazingly helpful and will be able to tell you all the legal implications.

Regards

[Anonymous]

On seeing him and "trying" to cut the ties. You're not being serious enough with yourself. If you don't want to see him:

- get chains for your doors. Don't let him into your home. If he waits outside tell him to leave or you'll call the police. If he doesn't leave, call them.

- change your telephone numbers

- tell your friends, neighbors, work colleagues etc that you don't want contact with him, then they won't take messages for you and so on.  

How much are you willing to do to remove him from your life? Or do you actually want him in your life? These are your decisions. Good luck.

[Cadbury]

Thank you for all the responses.

I do want him out of my life, but I don't know whether to exclude him from the child's life. My own father left when I was small and I built him up into some kind of hero at the same time as feeling so hurt that he never contacted me. I just can't think what to do for the best. I truly believe that he won't let it go without a big fight and he is very good at fooling people into believing him. He has recently won custody of his son after abducting him for 6 years. However, I think this is more due to the mental state of the boy's mother than a true reflection of his ability to parent. He s very hard on his son, but his son having known no other parent obviously thinks this is normal. He uses his son and my own children as tools to make me want him and I am finding it so hard to deal with. I really don't want to let him have too much contact with our child, but I don't know if I will legally be able to stop him.

Thank you for the websites - I have been doing a lot of reading. I think at the moment I will keep a log of the amount of times he contacts me and the things he says in order that if it does go to court I will have some eveidence of his behaviour. What do people think?

thanks again

[miaxo guest]

When I N left I was three months pregnant with our second child.
When my son was born the visits were limited and supervised by me.  
The judges here in the US won't have the infant going for long periods of time such as overnights.  Especially since you will be breastfeeding, I'm sure his contact will be limited.  

Have you been documenting his negative behaviors?  If not, start doing so.  Documentation I had from journaling his behaviors (before I even knew he was a N) and documentation from N himself always helped my case against him.  Try communicating with him only in writing.  Be sure that you always sound reasonable and only looking out for the best interests of the children in your responses.  Be patient...it takes time to build a case and the sooner you get started the better the chances are for you and your children.  

I have letters and emails from N where he contradicts himself constantly, where he writes he feels others are "conspiring against him", where he admits to flying in rages in front of the children, where he admits he had to apologize to the children for inappropriate behaviors, and the list goes on.   Get as much as you can to show his instablility for your children's sake.  

Good luck.

feel free to pm me since I was in your shoes five years ago and had to deal with seeing ex in the hospital after giving birth to my son.  It won't be easy but you will get through it and you will be a stronger person b/c of it.  Do you have a good support system?  Family? Friends?  I did and still do and that has helped tremendously.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for all the responses.

I do want him out of my life, but I don't know whether to exclude him from the child's life. My own father left when I was small and I built him up into some kind of hero at the same time as feeling so hurt that he never contacted me. I just can't think what to do for the best. I truly believe that he won't let it go without a big fight and he is very good at fooling people into believing him. He has recently won custody of his son after abducting him for 6 years. However, I think this is more due to the mental state of the boy's mother than a true reflection of his ability to parent. He s very hard on his son, but his son having known no other parent obviously thinks this is normal. He uses his son and my own children as tools to make me want him and I am finding it so hard to deal with. I really don't want to let him have too much contact with our child, but I don't know if I will legally be able to stop him.

Thank you for the websites - I have been doing a lot of reading. I think at the moment I will keep a log of the amount of times he contacts me and the things he says in order that if it does go to court I will have some eveidence of his behaviour. What do people think?

thanks again

I work with a divorced woman.  She is happy in a new relationship but has a 10 year old daughter from her marriage.  She is very private and I don't pry.  I understand from what she DOES say that he is a cruel manipulative person (I wouldn't use the term N to he).

I'm not sure how other posters feel about this (given the thread about reading e-mails - which I disagree with) but she tapes his phone conversations.

It's quite easy, you can get a dictaphone thingy from Dixons / Comet etc. and plug it into your phone.

It might sound drastic but if he is truly a cruel person and doesn't have the children's best interests at heart, this might help?

regards

[Anonymous]

I am totally in favor of surveilling the emails, websites, taping phone conversations, etc., if it's in the service of protecting children or to get justice in a divorce from a pathological narcissist. Go for it, I say.

In the case of reading an ex-fiance's email, that was different. I think it was okay to do it - at first - as a reality check. After that, I see it as a boundary crossing and more about vengeance. I'm not into vengeance, only justice.

bunny

[Cadbury]

Yes, I have been thinking seriously along the same lines myself. For example, yesterday, my friend came over for the evening. We do this every Wednesday evening. Sit, eat Bagels, eat chocolate and watch trashy tv. We are both mothers and it's nice to touch base and catch up. (Plus, how good is Desperate Housewives? !!LOL) We stayed chatting until gone midnight. About 10 minutes after she'd gone the phone rang and I answered thinking it was her. I mean who else would phone that late? Yep, you guessed - him. He wanted to know why I hadn't contacted him. I said that I was sorry but I wasn't going to discuss our relationship any more and was tired so would be going to bed. He then proceeded to rant and rave at me saying that I had more time for my friends than for him. BEaring in mind I broke up with him in October! I remained distant and ended the call. He was by this time swearing etc. The phone rang agin and I answered feeling sure it would be my friend this time (she normally lets me know she's home ok). And it was him again asking if I wanted to meet him for coffee today as it was the anniversary of when we first met. When I said no, he went off again saying how he meant nothing to me.

I feel bad because he seems to try and turn it all around in to a case of my behaviour being weird. But the way in which he can shout abuse at me one minute and then ask me out for coffee the next is weird to say the least. It is that I think I need to document to show how unstable he is and so unsuitable to have our baby for any length of time.

I find the constant abuse so hard to deal with. I have unplugged my phone, changed my mobile number and made no contact personally. I get worried as he will turn up and almost force his way in and then tell me I'm weird if I threaten to call the police. I know I should carry out my threats, but because of his past calling them once could mean he loses a lot more than just a couple of hours of his time. Even after all he has done I don't want to destroy him. Is it worth writing him a letter asking him to leave me alone and sending a copy to a solicitor or something?

[Anonymous]

These two links may offer more legal guidance for UK residents:
 
Domestic violence and the law: http://www.bbc.co.uk/crime/law/dvandlaw.shtml
Practical help on housing: http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/hh/practical07.shtml