GFN:
Thanks once again for "getting behind me". You make me feel good and appreciated. You are a kind person whose viewpoints are inclusive, objective and rational, and whose observations and criticisms are reasoned and compassionate. I'll bet you're a great Mom.
I'm so sorry that your situation is in some ways beyond practical suggestions. I've seen enough of your responses to understand that from where you are, that destructive power of your ex is real. Not knowing the partuculars makes it impossible for me to offer more, but I respect your silence on the matter.
I do hope that the tables turn for you someday.
KAZ:
Thanks a lot. Understanding the mechanics of NPD and everything else under the personlaity disorder/mental illeness sun is helpful - I won't dispute that. More so, I think, is self-knowledge, at least in the long haul, and I don't think that knowledge of PDs is absolutely necessary to acquire that.
I had a very interesting experience when I did my dating exercise, which was before I learned about NPD. Seems I caught on to some things in absentia of that knowledge, because my separation had given me some tiwe to think about how I ended up where I was what thinking patterns I was using to guide me to a destructive place. It was a relatively short dating experiecne, but highly instructive.
I met a man, a lawyer. We hit it off initially quite well, because he was brainy and conversant in many areas (forget Brad Pitt, this makes me sit up and take notice above all other things), liberal in his politics & philosophies, and reasonably attractive (doesn't hurt), and, at first, seemingly quite confident and centerd.
I saw him for a total of 10 weeks - every other weekend (when hubby had visitation) and perhaps once for dinner every other week (about 25 times, altogether, more or less). I was frank about my situation, stating that not only was I not really ready to discuss a serious realtionship, but that my daughter was not ready and would not be for some time. I never introduced them, as I felt it was wrong to bring her into a situation that would only add to her confusion (she was 6/7 - had a birthday - at the time).
At first, things seemd okay. We had a great time, he treated me like a princess (always had flowers for me, always had wine although he did not drink, never let me pay for dinner, took me to wonderful places, arranged to do fun things that I enjoyed, conversed extensively, etc.) But then I noticed a few little trends that made me get more observant and less dismissive of potential problems.
For one, he was a "First In Class" graduate of a very prestigious law school (this was verified and true). A nice thing, certainly, and something to be proud of, but it become apparent after a while that he obsessed on this quite a bit - he rarely missed an opportunity to mention it (at least every other date), although he often described (fairly convincingly, at first) how he felt others were jealous of this. At the same time, his career path was not one that actually jived with that status - he was a minor partner in a one of those ambulance-chasing ppersonal injury firms (you know the ones - think of the most dramatic and pandering TV commercials of the lot).
On our second date, he misused the word "penultimate" to describe his favorit Thai restaurant (this actually means next to last). Now, this is a greatly misunderstood word, and probably 50% of highly educated folks actually misuse it to mean "the best". In fact, I used to use it incorrectly, too, until someone pointed it out to me. I questioned his meaning, assuming he might be using it correclty. He said Best Thai Place, and so I said "I don't think that's what penultimate means. I think it means "next to last". I assumed that he would say what I did when corrected: "Really? That's not what I have understood it to mean. I've have to check that out.". I later thanked that person for the tip - I'm happy if someone helps me learn something.
But no, he actually laughed at me and dismissed me, in a subtle way. I stuck to my guns and said, "no, I feel quite certain of this. Perhaps you might want to check it out".
He said then, "I know I'm right and I'll prove it to you. I'll bet you any amount of money - say 1,000.00 - and I'll win." I replied by saying "I'll take your bet, but I won't take advantage of you. Plus, on principle, I never bet more than I can afford to lose. How about 5.00?". At this point, I'm just amused, thinking he's kidding, right? No - he insists that we make it a big bet. I don't bite, however, and am still thinking this is a big joke.
Later we did look it up in "The Oxford English Dictionary - the BEST dictionary in the WORLD (according to him, no other dictionary will do)". The look on his face as he read it was one of horror and anger. He them grimly and abruptly got his wallet, fished out 5.00, and very grudgingly gave it to me, without making eye contact. I said, "Thanks." and then, it was immediately over and his mood went back to all the "good stuff", so I kind of dismissed my own experience and questioned what I had just seen. I had a lot of trouble with the idea that an adult, particularly one so seemingly accomplished and smart, could behave that way. I assumed the problem was me.
As time went by, it also became apparent to me that he was trying to "make me over in his own image". He had a sort of fascination with my "street smarts" and lack of formal education, and at one point made overture to formally teaching me himself - asking me to read, highlight (!!!), and "be prepared to discuss" a xeroxed copy of a Camile Paglia essay.
At first, I questioned my own perception of this, too. I'm used to feeling less-than, and also anxious to learn, because of my lack of formal training and education, so I tried, at first, to "go along" with it. I felt, in some unspoken-to-self way, that this was only natural, given his high-level academic standard. But even as I "went along" with it, I found that HE wasn't ready to have a serious dicusssion about the material - what he wanted was for me to ask him what everything meant. The whole exercise quickly fell apart and vanished as soon as it became apparent that I had a mind of my own about her work - that I agreed some places, disagreed others, added to still others. Just as I was really beginning to enjoy it, he stopped cold and became disinterested.
Over time, I found that he also tried to make himself my equal in my own semi-professional and professional disciplines (music, photo-work, grahphics) - not by producing work in those areas, but by showing me basic snapshots of his travels that were framed and hanging on his walls and saying, "I'm an artist, too". He notes that he has a great singing voice (true - lovely warm baritone), which then becomes "I am a musician, too."
By this point, I'm learning not to question myself, a little at a time. I gently say "Those are great photos. Art, to me, is about conceptualization, technique and commuication all married together". His reply is to ask me if I've ever been to Florence to study the Great Masters. Of course, I haven't, although I have viewed some of those works in books, visited my local museums and galleries, etc. He tells me that if I have not done so, that I cannot be an artist. I didn't say this, but I wondered how come nobody told Ansel Adams or Grandma Moses about this - surely they would have given it up, had he just explained their limits to them.
These are just a few anecdotes that I enjoy telling because they're so over the top, but there ended up being a lot of little signals in between.
Ultimately, I realized that not only was this guy not all he seemed to be, but that I was squishing my own self (I Voice) because he seemed to be so accomplished and knowledgable.
Even after I bailed, he showed all the signs of NPD (clinging, pleading, cajoling, bribing, blaming) - for almost another 1.5 years. I was still getting messages and e-mails once in a while long after my husband and I reconciled. Even that fact did not deter him for a long while. Eventually he gave, but mostly because I finally replied to an e-mail after a long silence, indicating in "police language" that he must stop all communication immediately. He's lawwyer, so he got what I was saying and quit.
The point in all this, aside from the fact that I enjoy the stories sometimes from a head-shaking and eye-rolling point of view, is that I did not have to know anything about NPD, or it's mechanics, to avoid this one. Simply being in a position to look at him with the eyes of someone who is not ready, not feeling that needy in-love stuff, and not especially vulnerable to whirlwind romance was enough. That combined with my determination to never be devalued that way again.
While I would like to think that it was all because I was so great and rocked his little world so hard, the truth is that
it was all about him, not me. Even though he went out of his way to be generous, accomodating, affectionate and all that - it was really more about positioning himself as the powerful half of a relationship, and his idea that he could eventually make me into an ideal partner who reflected well on him. He looked at me not as another person, but as a good-quality lump of clay. I had all the right attributes, if only he could arrange them to suit his fantasy. The real me meant little more than a threat.
I will grant that having learned about the disorder - and especially the contiinuum parts - have really helped me understand it academically. But it really was just about truly hearing myself, in the end. It was my own voice and experiences, and not the (potential) disorder that REALLY instructed me. I think if I had been in what I formerly thought of as a "healthy" place between relationships, I might have fallen for it.
That would have been truly hellish.