I really appreciate all the posts in answer to my question.
Bunny, you said, "You have exacted revenge by reading his email -- unless he would be kind of thrilled by that." If I somehow let on to him that I've been reading his email, that would do two things: it would cause him to finally change his frikken password and I would no longer have access and that would be a good thing. Also, it would cause him to lose sleep at night wondering just how much I have seen---and NO, he would NOT be thrilled that I know all that I know. It would mortify him. I only worry that I would start losing sleep at night wondering if he was going to have me killed or something...
A lot of people said that revenge means I am still connected to him, and, of course, I am. The thing that is hardest to will into existence is to be really done with him so that I don't waste any more energy on him whatsoever. This is what I want most and it seems that I can only wait for this to develop naturally. In the meantime, the truth is I still do think about his betrayal and I alternate between anger and hurt. I still can't quite completely wrap my mind around what happened.
A martial arts instructor once pointed out that if you do more than simply defend yourself, then you have become the aggressor. Since he is out of my life, I no longer need to defend myself from him and an act of revenge would make me the aggressor.
I like to believe all the points made that N's are their own worst enemies and they will get their "just desserts" from the Universe with no intervention from me. We like to think that is true but has anyone ever seen the Woody Allen film Crimes and Misdemeanors? It suggests that we live in an amoral universe.
I love Einstein's idea that problems cannot be solved at the same level of awarenss that created them.
It makes sense to me that an act of revenge would somehow tie me to my abuser long term.
I am still mulling over Vaknin's point that Narcissism is contagious if we are not careful. I am not sure I believe this but I will consider it.
I think my mother is quite possibly an N though I haven't fully explored this. I know she was emotionally incestuous with me and, as a result, I have a fear of being engulfed, as she engulfed me, and maybe this is why I have chosen men who are ultimately unavailable (the available ones, I have not been able to fall in love with).
I have done some reading on Stephen Carter's website and that has been helpful too. If I could summarize his advice in a nutshell it would be, "Just move on..."
Thanks again for everyone's great insights.
Chandra