Anything

[Meh]

Haven't been here for a while. Hello Board.

starting to watch a documentary called "The Dark Matter of Love"....   Its about a family that is going to adopt 3 children that came out of Russian orphanages.

[Meh]

Might have strep throat, Just want to go back to sleep

[Hopalong]

Ugh. Many healing vibest to you (((((Boat))))).
Deep sore throats really HURT.

I hope you get well fast and find strength pouring back...

love, and hope things are growing for you

Hops

[Meh]

Thanks Hops. How have you been?   I had a swab done its not strep, also not improving yet though.

Came to the board only to say feel lonely at the moment.

[Hopalong]

((((((((((Boat))))))))))) (big fat maternal one.. )

I am sorry. So glad you call it like it is though.
So many people avoid naming loneliness and I think it can make it worse.

I have waves of it and sometimes it's like damp fog and other times piercing.

Most often if I keep up with my small circle of folks, it'll go away again.
But sometimes even WITH friends, it's growling just outside the firelight.

Hope it passes soon and/or some unexpected (maybe UN-work) person
or better, several, find their way into your life. Just good folk/s.

love to you,
Hops

[Ales2]

Hi - I watched the dark matter of love - kind of depressing story of what could be hopeful. As I remember one of the boys had reactive attachment disorder and was impossible to deal with.  For as much as we talk about not knowing how our mothers/fathers or other caregivers took care of us, its clear from what goes on for infants in orphanages that they lack the closeness and trust that forms as an infant.  These poor kids were abandoned to such a degree it has lifelong impact. So sad.


Anyway, I had a weird realization yesterday. I had to call my NM to ask her about something and she veered the call off topic wondering why our relationship is so awful. She went back to something happened in 2008 but I dont know what..... I said nothing. Ive already said everything I need to say to her its her inability to listen, constant denial that has left her in the dark.

But, here is the LESSON. This morning, I woke up with this need to call her and explain. I called her home and cell a couple of times each in a one hour period and then BAM it occurred to me that I rescue, I seek to explain myself when no explanation is necessary. If she is wondering about why we dont get along, ask me questions, get in touch with me, put yourself out there, instead she feigns confusion as a means of getting attention and gets me to show concern through making contact and explaining. Anyway, it occurs to me how much I must over explain things to all sorts of people and how Ive been trained to do that by her behavior over these past 47 years.  SO tired of it.  She had a chance at therapy, met the therapist, but never bothered to read his book or ask any questions.  HER LOSS. GAME OVER. NO interest in listening? Great, I can keep it to myself.

Now that I know I am not alone and several other major books and experts know what this disorder is, it is so gratifying I dont have to say another word about it. SO RELIEVED.  Saying nothing and MOVING ON. Best revenge ever.

 

[Meh]

Hiya there Ales, not sure if its the same movie that you are referring to because at the end of this one there is an assessment that a psychologist does about the children and they start to reduce their acting out and their grades in school improve, if anything the movie sort of points out that the children might be somewhat malleable emotionally where I think they point out that the mother who adopted the kids appears to have her own issues that might be harder to address due to she is set in her ways. This is of course just the interpretation I made out of it. Let me see if I can find a link for this.

http://www.thedarkmatteroflove.com/

Glaringly though maybe they could have also called the movie "money can change the way that you love"....   anywhos

I know there have been more than one documentary about orphanages some are really sad.  


PS  Ales I do that also sometimes that part of over explaining or feeling like I have to justify everything I do or think instead of just being okay with it. Its been quite a while since I have analyzed this stuff but yah I think I know what you are talking about it sounds familiar. Also the part of them getting some kind of attention out of it.

[Meh]

((((((((((Boat))))))))))) (big fat maternal one.. )

I am sorry. So glad you call it like it is though.
So many people avoid naming loneliness and I think it can make it worse.

I have waves of it and sometimes it's like damp fog and other times piercing.

Most often if I keep up with my small circle of folks, it'll go away again.
But sometimes even WITH friends, it's growling just outside the firelight.

Hope it passes soon and/or some unexpected (maybe UN-work) person
or better, several, find their way into your life. Just good folk/s.

love to you,
Hops

Thanks Hops, your messages are so comforting.  I think my father kind of fostered a big denial of loneliness in me, and yes there definitely was a point where I said to myself "I can admit to myself that I am lonely"  you know especially if its the truth. I figured lying to myself never helped much, its like a buffer against actually doing something. I also had a therapist point out to me that I was probably lonely (sometime in my 20's) and at the time I just felt numb and also very content with my own company, I think that was a version of my own narcissism because I was pretty deep into my own world and maybe still am a bit. But yah it took me like around my mid to late 20's to kind of start to notice that I was a rather lonely person as I am rarely surrounded by friends and family...

Anywho you are correct it is a feeling or realization that comes and goes. At the moment I am just tired and still feeling rather sick or it might even be a new way that my body is expressing allergies. Or maybe its both. I've never lost my voice due to allergies before. I think I am going to try and schedule an appointment with an allergy and asthma specialist this week. Health problems can just make me feel so out of control. I missed work and I dont think I am going to get paid for the time I was out sick etc.

Now I am just rambling. I don't come onto the board enough to keep up with everybody, there was a time when I came here every day and was writing a lot. I was very very depressed when I first found this board but it was also a very very prolific and raw writing spell I had. I also was laid off of work at the time and had the time to just do it and feel it.

I don't feel depressed right now but I feel like my life is passing me by. I'm 37 years old.  I bet you thought I was younger heh due to I guess it often sounds like I am clueless or something idk. I would rather not face reality due to I don't own a house or a car. I am painfully single, don't have kids... I have a job in a call center.  This would kind of point to me not being very resilient I think... anyways not trying to pity myself but all I am saying is that now when I do reflect a little bit its like I am looking at a big picture that is OVERWHELMING to me.  >>>>>>>>>>> OVERWHELMING<<<<<<<   that would be the word right there.   kinda makes me want to cry just typing that out sort of makes me feel like shit in saying this about myself but its true. Its really weird for me to say this but my mother, my aunt, my grandmother the biggest thing they did to improve their lives was to get married and marry well. I can say the same thing about highschool friends I had, I have seen them get married and their lives change a lot.

For a long time I had some kind of fantasy that I could be fine being single forever and I would work my way up to having a good job and I would just live modestly and free, like some kind of feminist vision. I guess there are are people who do this and succeed at it. I've failed though, Ive failed at both versions of the fantasy. Ive failed at the traditional picture of becoming married with kids etc. .. And the flip side of being eccentric and enjoying every moment of life as a very single person.  I've got like the worst of both worlds If I am to be totally honest and I am old enough that I can no longer think to myself that it will sort itself out IN TIME. THERE IS NO MORE TIME   THIS IS IT this is what I have become and this is who I am.  I know it sounds like complaining but I just felt like saying it.

   

[Meh]

Tired, made pasta for dinner. Have tomorrow off work. I could sleep in maybe if it wasn't for allergies that get worse at night at the moment have been rather sick with that. okay nothing else to say at all. I should write something real but im just too tired to.

[Hopalong]

It's especially hard for introverts -- loneliness.
A lonely extravert can eventually back some poor introvert into a corner and emote about her feelings. (Speaking of myself, anyway...) My extraverson eventually drives me out of the house in search of human contact.

But, I swear, even introverts can benefit from well-led groups.

Hope you'll find something groupey you can try, ole young Boat.

Never imagine that the rest of your life will feel like THIS.
It just won't. Nature ain't like that.

Breathe in and out and if you can, make a determination that you will join some simple group activity on your day off. Go SIX TIMES before you abandon it.

Try?

love,
Hops

[Meh]

My nephews are coming from out of state to visit their grandmother (my mother).

So my mother was trying to find some event to take them to, I found something and suggested it, and consequentially got invited to go also.

Was talking to my mother on the phone today, asked how long they are going to be here, its two weeks. In the course of talking about what they are going to do... my mother told me she is going to drive them HOURS to go see the old town where we lived, where my brother (their father went to highschool)... for some reason my mother thought she needed to drive the two kids like a very long time to go to a stupid town for the purpose of telling them where their dead father went to highschool. I bitched her out. I said its just messed up to put that emotional shit onto kids that age. She is so weird. Its like some kind of broken record repeat. I remember my brother telling me that when he was a kid the adults would tell him about and show him his dead father's belongings and it was very weird for him as a child to hear all that. And I told my mother this. I dont know I just think this is so demented.

[Meh]

Yah that is sound advice hops

[moonlight60]

 You, yourself, are the eternal energy which appears as this universe. You didn’t come into this world; you came out of it. Like a wave from the ocean. — Alan Watts

[Meh]

Hot and very tired, and look old in the mirror. Listening to country music about to brush my teeth, still need to go to the dentist. After lunch break at work had to talk to a meticulously groomed over tanned "pretty" spokes person for health insurance who mentioned catastrophic organ failure and cancer insurance to be paid out of my customer service paycheck not at all subsidized by the employer. I made no decision I only complained to her that I have no detailed printed out pricing information and I cant access it at home at night when I actually have time to think about it. She made me make a password at the start of the conversation for something that when I asked later she said I wouldn't be able to ever access... this is pretty darn strange. I know sounds like paranoia. I need to wax my mustache. Ive never waxed my mustache but I figure it will make me look a small fraction better when wearing dresses. My landlord/roommate complained to me about the cost of the water bill at one of his other properties while I was watering some flowers I planted in the front yard. My younger nephew whom I have been able to send a few msg on facebook had his facebook account taken down by his mother. Also the older nephew hasn't been emailing me. I think about applying about other jobs/for other jobs, when I think about this I quickly have a second thought that there isn't anything out there for me. I am getting older and I haven't built a career or a degree. I have been single for years. Forever really. Hop back to the job thing.. the reason why I think about it is because I don't want roommates any longer, never wanted them in the first place. I mean I live with three guys how trashy and pathetic is it really. I drank last bit of wine and cookies after not feeling very well. I have a new manager at work lol. Brand brand brand new he doesn't know what to do and he already complained to me about a customer who said that I never followed up with her even though its indicated that I emailed her and called her... and ultimately she placed an order for different things so the quote she was so impatiently waiting for wasn't what she wanted anyhow.. I was pretty straight forward and blunt. Why do I have to teach a dumbass how to manage me when he doesn't know me or the job. I'm not going to help him anymore.

[Meh]

 Had a grim moment at work when I was thinking one of the "higher"ups in the company may have been doing a spy call on us which they do. All I did was tell the person to call back during the week when the department they wanted to contact was open... and then I started to think that I was going to be fired for doing it. Not sure really. Maybe it was just a customer being a jerk. I've got nothing new to report. Only hot and watching a movie type thing. Made fried eggs for dinner. Okay so what else do you want to know. Nothing right   

I don't have the stamina to write or something. Probably it takes me a few down days of unemployment to really try to write something out, unfortunately for my writing I am employed. If I do get fired by the "spy" they I will be sure to come here and write something more substantial.

Been thinking of wanting to do a lot of minor home improvement type stuff but I'm not going to do it really due to I don't wanna bother with a rental. I guess this is kind of like pre-fall cleaning, the opposite of spring cleaning maybe.