Today my mother launched into yelling at me, afterwards she followed it up with her batshit advice. I've told her she doesn't have to raise her voice and I can hear her just fine and then she continues to yell at me. She doesn't even see herself as dysfunctional. There is something so messed up with her after all these years and same crap. She is old. My parents time on the planet really is limited in life-years because when people age well existence becomes finite. I think about how at some point they will become more or less invalid and I have no idea what their plan is for that, I guess it's not my problem so I shouldn't even think about it at all. It's abnormal to think any of these things or maybe I should say dysfunctional, dysfunction begets more dysfunction and so forth. I'm just going to remember her as someone who didn't give a poop about me. I've repeated this kind of sentiment here sort of over and over not because I believe anything about it is going to change. I just need to vent or something, as a human being she plain sucks. Her mind reminds me of a commercial, it's on repeat, it's fake, it's short but it's too long.
So then one just turns to oneself and asks things like am I taking care of myself? The answer is kinda sorta but when is anything ever perfect. I'm really low energy right now in general I feel depressed meaning I feel that lead weight feeling. The sensation that not enough ever gets done in one day.
The advice is the worst part of it. Maybe I won't be sad when she passes away, maybe it will just amount to some stupid inconvenience. She put me apparently as the executor of her will with one of her husband's kids. I haven't even looked at it. It seems like work. Unwanted work. Maybe they will be in a nursing home in 5-10 years. It's like they are just waiting to die, they barely do anything but watch television. I'd like to have an actual conversations with my relatives but I don't.
