Anything

[Hopalong]

I hope you're doing well, Posh.

I'm going to pass on this video...just hearing not bells maybe, but "alarm chimes."

I've forgotten to refrain from directly political stuff here a few times and always regret it.

How are things going in your life? Is school going better? Vaccine?

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

Hi, Hops,

Tired all the time, insomnia and no vaccine yet. Otherwise I'm okay.

[Meh]

If I wrote for a long time maybe I would eventually have something to say but often I really feel that I have nothing worth writing OR that I don't wish to write it here for the whole internet to read it. I'm sitting in bed sneezing probably allergies, feeling like procrastination. I think I might procrastinate for the worst of reasons, or maybe I shouldn't say worst. Perhaps just for a mush of reasons. Today I helped my neighbor plant some Dahlia bulbs. It's a distraction from what I am supposed to be doing. Life is always some game and framework that tells us what to do and when. I think I'm lonely, for a loner-type social distancing is probably too much. I've got plenty of alone time and it's to the point it's likely quite unhealthy now thanks to life changes and Covid distancing. I feel I just need to write even if it's mostly uneventful. Not everything has to be a big event right.

[Hopalong]

Hi Mouse,
Just want to say thank you for that incredibly gracious and spacious sendoff post you wrote when I abruptly started my break. That "blessed be" was so peaceful and consoling.

Still at the spring cleaning (inner/outer) but want you to know how much I appreciated it.

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

I'm writing about creepy disturbing stuff.

So I just listened to the Jim Jones death tape because it's what I landed on after doing a lot of digging about cults. He was into communism and some whacko version of Marxism. What is it with universities and Marxism anyhow.

The tape recording was somehow obtained by FBI. It's disturbing of course. There is a woman trying to talk some sense against killing children saying they have their lives ahead of them. Then there is a man's voice talking people into it. The man says he used to be a therapist. I won't post a link as nobody is quite as dark or creepily curious as I am. But it's easy to find on the internet.

It is a good eye-opener of how far people can be persuaded. Something like 909 people died, lots of them underage.

I wonder how much of it was due to social pressure. It is still difficult to comprehend that such a large group and parents would do that. It sort of goes to show that people will do anything.

It's written that Jim Jones was a megalomaniac, apparently that is part of the Narcissism spectrum perhaps. I'm not sure really.

The term cult sometimes is used broadly like to describe political groups, Rose McGowan recently called both Democrats and Republicans cults. She grew up in a cult so the celebrity story goes.

Should we all be cautious of beliefs and talkers and narratives in general. Do we just be simplistic experiencers, just knowing what we see in front of us and avoiding all the world's ideas. As always I'm not sure what my point is. I guess it's just a reflection on the extremes of Narcissism and also going along or not going along.

 

[sKePTiKal]

Mouse, my theory is that some people are so desperate for the magic pill to make them whole, happy and to belong (some or all of those) that they can willfully overlook the alarm-blaring red flags about those groups. All of them have a really attractive narrative for the person who avoids looking within themselves for answers, and that's reinforced by gaslighting, an internal hierarchy of "order" and "right thinking" -- not unlike the way religions can work, sometimes. They have to replace the person's inherent values & morality with THEIR version - whatever it is - too maintain control over those people.

For whatever reason, I didn't get that gene. I'm simply NOT suited to that environment. Yes, I was curious too about some of those groups. But even the ones that are generally accepted as "harmless" or "beneficient" still operate the same way. Marching to a different drummer will invoke responses ranging from disapproving frowns to exile & shunning to... people blindly following a madman into suicide.

Hence the recent popularity of a phrase used to describe people blindly accepting political ideas/policies/positions without questioning, thinking about it, or research and coming to their OWN conclusions about x, y or z. That phrase being some form of: "they drank the kool-aid".

[Meh]

Heyo, Skep.

Agreed.

[Hopalong]

Me, too.

Kool-Aid can be comforting, until you get the taste of the chemicals.

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

In past two days, I have eaten almost 4 whole chocolate bars, and it wasn't satisfying. I normally don't buy it in bulk for this exact reason. Should have tossed it into the blackberry canes down the road. Sacrificial chocolate offering to the verdant woodland. Meh, I guess it may have cured my chocolate craving I hope.

[lighter]

Eh, so you fed your sugar craving chocolate.  Not a terrible thing, Mouse.  It's information about something going on in the background, typically emotional. 

Sometimes you do what you have to do and you don't have to judge it.  It's better to pay attention to what's behind the craving, IME.


When I feed my chocolate cravings it's always dark chocolate...... usually Chocolove xoxox, cherries and almonds.  If I just have it, then put it down without judging myself..... it's easy to go back to eating to feed my body and not excite my brain. 

Lighter

[Meh]

you are right, there is something behind eating habits, I probably only weigh 115 or 120 so I don't have a weight issue

I would still be better off not eating the sugary stuff, I'm 'pre-diabetic'

yep, chocolate cravings and dark chocolate is the best for that but I had milk chocolate

if you do want to make good chocolate cookies though adding molasses, less sugar, ghirardelli chocolate chips dark and Hershey cocoa powder makes a pretty good cookie, sometimes I want the chocolate but not all the sugar so I put less

anywho

the other thing I do is drink too much coffee and tea almost as if I am trying to feed myself an antidepressant

I'm also not taking anti-depressants or anxiety meds, after I quit taking Wellbutrin years ago I just never went back on them, I do get more done when I take it but I also don't know that it's really the right thing for me. I start to worry that the reason I had to take medication in the first place was because I was so emotionally screwed up.

[lighter]

Mouse, I think you know your mother is disordered, even if you don't have exact labels.... you know.

I think some of your feelings aren't you being scewed up, but you enduring gaslighting, word salad and crazy making drummed up by your mother consistently.  That FEELS crazy making, IME.  Esp if the one making the crazy is assigning blame to you for it.  Esp if you feel trapped with her and dependent in any way.  Sometimes the need for approval is present, even if one isn't aware of it.... but it's there, beneath awareness.  That's a double bind with a pesonality disordered parent, no two ways about it. 

Maybe you're not ready to admit how disordered your mother is..... and maybe you haven't given up hope she'll change?  I don't know, just throwing it out there for consideration.

When I'm upset, it's usually around something I'm resisting and unable to accept without reservation. 

I really like the idea of making cookies with less sugar..... ones that still taste good.  Thanks for the recipe, Mouse.

Lighter

[Meh]

like this but w/ modifications

https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/9827/chocolate-chocolate-chip-cookies-i/

[Meh]

I don't think I have much to say today.

Trying to get all the life maintenance chores done.

[Hopalong]

If "Anything" is still fair game, I'll report from a better mood:

FFFFF (Fabulous Funny Feminist Films Fridays) #2 was such a gift. There were 5 of us (social-distance-with-fans-blazing max-comfort home-indoor-zone is six people but not quite) and we watched Hannah Gadsby's second Netflix special, "Douglas." My face still hurts from laughing and it was SUCH a comfort after recent weeks (personally, nationally, globally). It really lifted my/our spirits to be together.

Wish I could have you come, Mouse. I would love to think of you laughing. (Even when there's so little to laugh about).

I did my usual full-spectrum-covid-supercautions and everybody was so gracious about it: shoved the furniture around so we sat 6'-8' apart, brought everyone's wine to them and scheduled it for after dinner so no bunching around a food table (though I did do some spanikopita, self serve), had all the windows wide open and a box fan blowing in addition to ceiling fan, and asked only that they plonk the masks back on when moving through the house to the bathroom, etc. It worked fine!

And oh Gadsby is brilliant. The way she works in a hilarious riff on art history (as in her first show "Nanette") I found side-splitting. The whole thing was joyful.

I just felt so grateful to just feel those feeling for a few hours. Next month: Wanda Sykes. If anybody knows of another FFF to recommend, I'm all ears!

hugs
Hops