Dear All:
Butterfly:
Thankyou. Too much.
Brigid: (((((((((((Brigid)))))))))) I'm so sorry your parents treated you so badly and for the pain that caused. You, on the other hand, are obviously not at all like them and have managed to come out beautifully, in spite of them!!
She eventually changed her will leaving him 80% of her estate and me 20% and no provision for my children who were her only grandchildren.
I'm so sorry that she even tried to knock you down from her grave!!
Let your brother have 80% of her N money! Sounds like he has got what he wanted? That's sad eh?
You, on the other hand, have so much more,..... people who love you, and a spirit that won't quit ......and your 20% will probably be enjoyed by more than just you, I bet, and seem like much more.
Praise to the loving, kind Grammas of this world!!! They are God's gift to children!!
2cents:
I think the main feeling causing the pain is, strangely enough perhaps, shame. I know there's fear there too, but I feel very ashamed of being who I am. Like I'm not complete, and normal,
I think what I hear you saying is that your mother died (which wasn't happening to other people....so there must be something wrong with you), and your brothers left and you thought it was your fault and so you feel ashamed......a great shame for something you don't know what that is.....why they left......what you did to cause it??
This would be frustrating and make me feel angry too, I think.
It might be true that you have directed your anger toward yourself because it was too difficult or whatever, to explain or to direct it at those who hurt you. Then, you end up so angry with yourself that you feel ashamed. Maybe the fear is a fear of letting the anger out?
I hear you also saying that you don't know how to let that anger out but I'm going to guess that it's not a matter of how but of afraid to???
Ofcourse, once that is done, once that great pile of anger is released, the shame will probably disappear, I bet.
But 2cents........underneath it all, isn't there sadness?
Are you in touch, way down inside, with the terrible despair and sadness that little girl (you) might have experienced?? The horrible grief? The deep, deep hurt of losing her mommy?
Of losing her brothers? Of a dad that wasn't as dad?
It is helping me big time! Each post i get a little deeper, and let a little more out...
Great! Keep posting then! This is the "anything" thread and you can post about anything you want to. Are you writing those letters?
I've got to learn to express the anger to those who wronged me in order to let it go, instead of keeping it all inside.
You got it! You can write....to begin...if it feels less scarey. Then, maybe talk to a cushion, in a chair, pretending it's the person.....maybe yell...maybe cry??? Even........draw your version (doesn't have to be a Picasso) on paper, of those you want to communicate with, and rip them to shreds, maybe hug them, maybe?
I had a good one one day. I yanked out 2 wheel barrel fulls of switch grass. That stuff should be called N grass!! It's slithery roots creep every where, just under the surface of the ground, or way down deep, depending on what kind of hold they can manage to get! The grass looks like thin, harmless, rather graceful stuff until you try to get rid of it, at which point it takes hold like a viper. You finally get one root coming out, only to find it snaking it's way around all kinds of other plants and you yank and yank and rip up so much soil......and finally.......break a piece off. But there's lot's more to pull and it seems never ending and it comes back to haunt your garden when you least expect it.
Anyway.......for every yank....tug....pull......I imagined my abuser/s and/or some event that I felt angry about. As I worked away I would say: "There goes blank!! Good riddence!!", when I pulled out a good chunk of the stuff. I even cursed (
) some (no one could hear me) and just let a whole wack of it out, at the switch grass, the N grass, at my abuser/s, at events that were giving me anger. I felt it coming out! And in the end, where I used to complain and really dispise that switch grass.....I was grateful and I said out loud: "Thanks God, for switch grass. I never dreamed I'd say that!"
For me, gardening is very therapeutic. For you 2cents, you will need to find something that is therapeautic for you, be it some chore, some sport or some creative activity. I could search the net and give you plenty of ideas on safe, acceptable ways to release anger.
Truly.......I think you might consider doing that for you??? It would be good for you to read it and pick things that you think might work for you. It might help you ignor your fear of releasing it, by seeing the information and picking stuff that feels safe and not so scarey for you?
What do you think 2cents? Does that sound like an idea that might help?
You could even share what you find with the rest of us, if you want to. I'm sure we would all be very grateful!
I agree with Brigid and you, 2cents about today being the day!
I heard another good one:
"You can spend your money, gamble it away and work hard, maybe get it back later but once you waste your time, it's gone forever."
From the really silly movie: "Up the creek".
Enjoy today all!
GFN
