N Letter Writers... do they all do this?

[Screamer]

As I mentioned in my previous post, my Nmother is sending her letters again.

Here is the first letter

I am really missing you a lot today. Can’t hold back the tears. On February 14th it will be exactly 2 years since I have heard your voice. I miss you too much.

I am writing a letter to both you and Franco to help you understand the backdrop of what was happening during your childhood. The letter gets longer and longer and I don’t know when I will finish it. But whenever that is, I hope you will take the time to read it. I will also always have a copy in my lock box at the bank. This letter will be for only yours and Franco’s eyes unless to choose to share it.

I love you more than you could ever know.

I basically said this was not about my childhood and asked her not to send the letter.  I also asked her why she was putting it in the lock box.  (I know, it should have been obvious that this was just more dramatic manipulation)  

Here is her response.

I will not send the letter.  I do not wish to add to your pain in any way.  The letter was not at all about your childhood, but about my life during your childhood - things no one knows regarding me.  I hope I haven't caused you any more pain at all with saying I was writing this letter.  The reason I said I would put it in my lock box was because I felt you might not read it at this time, but at some time in the future you might want more information.  In that case, it would be available.  I am so sorry.

This is an unaltered quote.  WOW… that sad thing is I am usually sucked in to her game.  I fall for the guilt; I cry for days, I feel that I am such a horrible person.  I often wonder if I am crazy… maybe things weren’t like I remember.  Maybe she I should be more compassionate.  But sometimes these things get really damn obvious.

Every few months I get an e-mail like this.  “I love you, I miss you, I hope things are okay.”  The problem is that when I’m around her she just shreds me to pieces.  

It appears from reading the posts that many N's try this manipulation by e-mail.  Its getting so that I get sick every time I see her name in my inbox.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she wants to "share" how tough her life was while you were children. It's N of her. Can't she see a therapist about it, why burden you? It's not your job to hear all about her suffering. Geezzzz...

bunny

[Anonymous]

I can't even begin to imagine your situation, but for me it would be a relief if my Mother wanted to even make excuses...as far as she's concerned, nothing ever happened that was oput of the ordinary.

I would be somewhat cautious, but willing to listen if my Mother ever said "I'm sorry for this; I had problems x, y, and z when you were a kid and just couldn't handle myself. It wasn't your fault."

What I get is: "I can't imagine myself ever doing or saying such a thing, I'm just not that kind of person, but IF I did, I'm sorry." End of conversation, or so it was the last time I tried, say 12 years ago.

Not saying you should listen if you are not inclined already, but I would be at least curious to see what she was offering, if it were my Mother.

[jondo]

My heart-rate also speeds up when I see her name in my in-box.  I believe that hard-core N's don't even realize their use of manipulation.  They are so programmed to craft everything they do and say for their self-serving reasons that that is who/what they are as a person.  My mother especially believes/promotes herself to be the most compassionate and considerate person alive because she thinks she's defined by her writings.  Her actions and relationships over the years are completrely contrary to any of it.  I know she sends people copies of our correpondence to solicit support, which she gets from many of the weaklings she surrounds herself with including her N family.  They read her "wonderful" e-mails and can't believe why I wouldn't respond favourably. It is so frustrating, having to defend against such bullshit. I stopped engaging the debate from relatives and bystanders about a year ago.  There is now way to win a debate with an N who only knows manipulation and is used to people - especially their own children - "respecting" them and their ways.  I have found that the only successful way to deal with the letter writing campaign or any other communication, is to suggest to them to get the help they need.  And repeat that every time they ignore it.  A typical N thinks a few weeks of ignoring it, is a fresh start and that maybe you won't have the "courage" to "go there" again.  In that short and consistant reply, I've twice attached the link of this Voicelessness website.  That is first time anyone has ever mentioned her lifelong abusive behavior and history of relationship problems.  Some N's will live in denial forever.  I found it very fulfilling/satisfying to inform her exactly what is wrong with her (which the voiclessness website does)

[Luego]

sorry Screamer, I didn't see this thread before I replied on the other one. So it was all about her and not you  well, selfish and self-centred to the last I guess. I'm sorry.

Wouldn't it be GREAT if they could take just the slightest bit of positive, altruistic, loving interest in our lives once in a while? That's the mistake I often make, thinking that she's interested in me. Mistake

Your future pregnancy may be a source of envy and internal angst for her. Please don't underestimate how she might react, if you decide to tell her...L

[Luego]

I am so sorry.

PS What followed this above? Anything? I ask because it's not clear what she's sorry about.

I think she's sorry for herself, because you've rejected her story. I don't she's sorry for you. I don't think she's apologising.  I think she's ego-injured and is retaliating with self-righteousness in her reply. I detect some spite too.

Has she asked about how your life is?

[Anonymous]

Your future pregnancy may be a source of envy and internal angst for her. Please don't underestimate how she might react, if you decide to tell her...L

So true, such a classic attitude from N mothers towards their daughters...
This is one way you can get f**ed up generations, N passing from mothers to daughters...
Daughters, beware!!!

[Anonymous]

Screamer:

Just what was the purpose of this letter supposed to be?  To make you feel better. Not.  The purpose of the letter was to reel you in, to beg for the information because IT MUST BE SOOOOO important. Why bother to lock it in a security box?   Because IT MUST BE SOOOOO important? Not.
The answer to your question:  Are all N's letter writers?  Yes they are.  I got letters, checks, begging me to "let by gones be by gones" about my mother.  This was after my father tormented her for 40 years.  Just ignore her and go on about your business.  Let her stew. Love Patz

[mum]

Yup, Screamer, they must all do this.  My "N" happens to be my ex, and email happens to be the primary way we "communicate". His emails are defensive, raging and even his screen name is CAPITALIZED and yelling, just like him.  I believe his new wife helps him construct his emails most of the time, so they don't actually even sound like him...ie: better vocabulary and more poison.
She cannot have children, mine don't care for her, so boy is she pissed (and married to a cheating bastard, too....poor girl).

Before I even open email, I have to breathe deeply, consiously set my intention to let go of any negativity I may pick up if I open my email and his name is there.  I know it's bound to be nasty..even if it is just travel info, he infuses it with either "poor me" I "have" to go away....or "I DEMAND" language, or who the hell do you think you are for having an opinion, etc....  I really have to work at letting it go, it is a process, but if I don't do it, I carry his shit for days.  (looking at it like that helps to let go...why would I willingly carry feces?).
Any way, yup, they are all about them!  My best response has been (because our emails were admissable in court  I do respond) is "recieved email."
  With your mom, say "OH well" to yourself and skip happily out of the room and on with your day! (and vidualize her shit/energy flushing out of your body!)

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry.

PS What followed this above? Anything? I ask because it's not clear what she's sorry about.

I think she's sorry for herself, because you've rejected her story. I don't she's sorry for you. I don't think she's apologising.  I think she's ego-injured and is retaliating with self-righteousness in her reply. I detect some spite too.

Has she asked about how your life is?

Nothing followed this.  I believe her e-mail was meant to be spiteful and sarcastic.  And no, she did not ask about me.  This letter about her life during my childhood is another way to garner sympathy.  Poor her, she is the real victim here.  If only I could understand how much abuse she took for my sake.  

She often claims that she stayed and took my father's mental and physical abuse of her so that we could have a father in our lives.  What a self-sacrificing mother, huh?  I am so ungrateful and horrible for not recognizing how much she endured for my sake.

Screamer

[Screamer]

It sounds like she wants to "share" how tough her life was while you were children. It's N of her. Can't she see a therapist about it, why burden you? It's not your job to hear all about her suffering. Geezzzz...

bunny

Bunny,

Another interesting point here is that she is sending this letter to my brother as well.  My brother has told me that something is wrong with me and I need professional help.  I am hurting the whole family by avoiding my mother.  Sending this letter to my brother as well as me is just another way of getting him to feel sorry for her and put more pressure on me.


Screamer

[Screamer]

Your future pregnancy may be a source of envy and internal angst for her. Please don't underestimate how she might react, if you decide to tell her...L

So true, such a classic attitude from N mothers towards their daughters...
This is one way you can get f**ed up generations, N passing from mothers to daughters...
Daughters, beware!!!

My family has a long history of abused girls.  I'm the 4th generation of abused daughters in my family.  I bet my mother thinks "I took it from my mom, she should take it from me!"

I am determined NOT to carry this forward.  No matter what it takes!  I will not tell her about the baby until AFTER I have had it.  I don't want her involved in the pregancy, because it will be a source of envy as Luego mentioned.  In fact, the last straw for me was my wedding.  Just like with the rest of my life it was all about her.  

She was too busy at her important job to help with the preparations.  If she did offer any advice I was supposed to take it without question.  At my wedding shower, she toasted my friends... but never toasted me.  Great way to turn the attention away from me and make herself look so gracious don't you think.

Screamer

[Anonymous]

Screamer, it's absolutely possible to not "pay it forward". I have a soon-to-be-11 yo girl, and our relationship is solid and happy, not at all like I had with my mother. I'm not perfect, and I've over-reacted at times (as I still do sometimes and all parents will), but I always apologize immediately and have never ever hit her (except once, when she CHOSE spanking as a puinsihment at age 3.5 - a funny story).

So long as you are sure of your own truth about your mother (I know all about the enlisting) - AND yourself, you'll be able to do a fine job of being a good mother, so long as you neither expect too much nor too little from yourself or your child (most of the time).

Dr. Grossman's essays are very helpful in terms of how to create a strong, self-assured child - or at least maximize that potential. I didn't have those when I started (only saw them recently), but they reflect articulately the way I've tried to approach parenting. I highly recommend them.

T

[Anonymous]

hi--

I only know what I read in this thread (not the history here) but there is something in the e-mails that seems to be expressing vulnerability and the desire to understand.  I am waiting for that kind of thing from my parents, because I think it leads to an opening for communication.  And not everyone with N tendencies is a lost cause-- and the literature seems to suggest that the thing that can help people not be narcissitic is hitting some sort of barrier that really upsets them and needs fixing.  

Your reaction to your mom is up to you, and should reflect your entire history (which I don't know) but just for what it's worth her e-mails didn't seem obviously only narcissistic to me-- they have a tinge of something else that might be helpful to getting yourself heard.  It may not be perfect, but my experience with N people who are lost causes is that they aren't the least bit interested in exploring their reasons for things (what reasons-- everything they do is perfect!) and trying to understand someone else (there isn't anyone else) -- she may be trying to do something genuinely different for her and really try to be whole.  Maybe she is terrible at it!  But it's new to her.  

my 2 cents, which may not be useful because there is so little information here.  One way to gather information would be to actually talk to her (maybe on the phone or in person where she can't be as grandiose).

[luego]

I disagree guest above with

there is something in the e-mails that seems to be expressing vulnerability and the desire to understand

I don't see any attempt to understand anything or anyone other than herself. She expresses no interest whatsoever in anyone else's view (she doesn't want responses to her letter, she just wants others to read her letter) and she doesn't enquire about her daughter's life.

Where is the vulnerability? Where is the desire to understand? Can you quote either of these things from the emails?

Some part of me is waiting too for some interest in me from my parent, but it's not going to happen. Ever. I just have to live with that. When I manage to give up that fraction of hope, I might allow myself to be happy. Maybe. But I don't go looking for false hope and I wouldn't give it to others. L