most narcissistic comments ever

[vunil]

Hi,

The idea came up on another thread to start a mostly-humourous thread on the most ridiculously funny narcissistic comments ever.

Please know that narcissism has caused endless pain in my life (both my parents! not pretty) and I am not making light of it.  It's just that sometimes it helps to laugh.  And in doing so we free ourselves a bit from the pain.

The idea came from someone's mother exclaiming that she had been to
"the best therapist in the country." I thought that was hilarious.

But I think that is tied with the first paragraph in "Conversations with God" when the author says "In the spring of 1992..., an extraordinary phenomenon occurred in my life.  God started talking to you.  Through me."  

This came up in another thread, too.  It is one of the funniest things I've ever read.

Ok, so can you beat these two?  Give it your best shot

[Countermoon]

How about the most narcissistic writing ever?

I recently discovered the below listed writing in a batch of old pennings from one of the N's in my life.  I only suspected he might be a N before, but this pretty much confirms it in my opinion.  Could I be wrong?  

Online Don Juan
by: XXXX        (07/23/99; 2310-2318)
-
Drawn by my choice of words
My utterances are near shouts across the room
A cyber room drawn and confined
Uniting people across the world
My silver tongue slicks the discussion
An intellectual poised in readiness
Something burning deep within me
The forum unexpectedly mine
Where I exhibit intellect, romance, compassion
I draw them to me
Sometimes willingly with a wink or stare or smile...
Sometimes not by my words, my voice, my actions...
Yet in this medium I am myself
A poet among listeners
A dreamer among watchers
A lover among admirers
Yet I love it, I yearn for it, I long for it
Somehow incomplete without their stares or words
Painfully inadequate yet I dream
The magnificent hope of being there
A lens to magnify their opinions
A voice to utter beliefs they might hold
An object to find and feel their affections
So in this impersonal medium
I have my comfort, an internet stranger
Half the world away, yet closer online.
-

[jondo]

Okay no problem - my mother has to be the worst offender in the history of lying and misrepresentation so here goes. I will structure it as HER QUOTES and then the FACT just to highlite the degree of "sickness"? I don't know what to refer to this stuff as . All I know is that it's these kinds of things that I've been frustrated trying to untangle and defend against my entire life. It frustrates me to even have to type them - my anger comes to the surface. These are the kind of things she says to people, even when one or all of her kids were present (when we were still living under her control and didn't have a voice)

her claim/statement - "the thing I'm most proud of is the job I did raising my kids"
FACT - She has never had a single meaningful exchange with any of her kids (other than abuse)and none of us want anything to do with her.

her claim/statement - "My strongest qualities are truth and honesty"
FACT - She literally has never uttered the truth no matter how big or small the situation.

her claim/statement - "I have a couple of Degrees from this university"
FACT - While driving past the university that my youngest sister now attends (and who she's talking to in the car). She took a night course there 10 years ago that she attended maybe 3 mondays in a row. I've heard this one evolve now to two Degree's.

Actually there are 1,000's of these examples. I wish I could better drescribe the frustration and rage that comes from living my whole life under the control of someone like this (I have a difficult time saying mother)
_________________
jondo

[mum]

How about this:

"It's not fair to ME!!!" ( whiney voice in discussing a child's preferences)

"Your feelings are wrong!" (not my opinion, my feelings)

I have buried most in my psyche....I'll dig a few more up

[bludie]

Brilliant thread, vunil. Good fun! How about this one:

"You never cry like that for me," when leaving the theater after seeing The Passion of the Christ.


bludie

[Anonymous]

These are all hilarious!  

The Don Juan poem is unbelievable.

[jondo]

How about this amazing declaration from an N mother who's children stay as far away as possible from her (actually anybody thats ever met her stays as far away as possible because she controls with fear) This came after she was told by me to get the longoverdue help that she needs and with a link to Dr. Grossmans terrific website.
Her response was this.

"I have spoken to the best psychologists and therapists in the country and none of them have seen anything like this. They admire me for the abuse I'm taking from you kids.  I'm doing my best to understand "False Childhood Memories" and all I can do is wait for you to get over whatever your problems are"

Can you imagine?!

[mum]

here's another:  "I can't even get to you anymore!  You're not even human! "(screamed angrily when I calmly repeated "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I disagree")

[mum]

Jondo: that last one: not sure whether to laugh or cry!  Gimme a break!

[onlyrenting1]

ok here are a few off the top

1. I Love you and that's the truth!

2. please forgive me, I was lying and out of line, but Satain was speaking thru me. I'm in pain and you know that's true.  

3. you know once YOU lie in court, the judge will throw ALL your statements out. (he loves to say this over and over)

4. He Can quote much of the bible, but not able to use in daily life.

onlyrenting

[Anonymous]

I asked her had thought about the letter I wrote to her.

She said she had thought about nothing else.

and then I said" then what do you think"

she said "I don't know what to think"


I asked my father for money he owed me  - $10 (already knowing he had withdrawn $500 from the bank the day previously)

He said "I haven't got it"

i said I know for a fact that you have.
 
he said "well that's got to last me    ($10 remember !)

he didn't have any change so eventually after raging for a while making more ridiculous statements

he thrust $20 at me - saying "here. if it's that important to you.

after this I refused to go back in my box and pulled him up on his lying. that was the last I saw of him

[Anonymous]

What a hoot! LOL


I have one!

From my significant other to me after we can from a lecture where he was teaching.  I was taking exception to some of the things he was stating in class.

His reply

You know that I am always right.  Everyone else knows that I am right as well.  What is wrong with you?

I can make anyone believe anything I have to say.

Given enough time, I think all of the comments we have come up with could make a wonderful SNL routine.   Maybe Warren Beatty, or Ryan O'Neal could play the parts

[Cadbury]

I love this thread. There is a lot of truth in the whole "laugh or you cry" thing!! These are some of the treasure my ex has come out with.

After sending me an email detailing all my faults:

"They weren't meant to make you feel bad, but to help you become a better person"


During a conversation in which I made it clear we didn't have a future together:

"I am the nicest person I know, I can't imagine why you wouldn't want to be with me."

We had a phone call where I begged him to leave me alone. After much shouting etc he agreed. (because he "loved me so much"). Within 20 minutes he was at my house and let himself in. I was shouting at him to leave and he said:

"I haven't come here for me, I have come here for you because I know you need me"


Reading them back I am almost ashmed I put up with it!

[vunil]

Ok, I thought of some too (these are really funny so far!):

After my dissertation defense, during which I presented work that my then-boyfriend knew nothing about (in a field he doesn't work), we were walking to dinner.  He had been in the audience of the talk.  Ok, so we're walking along and he says "I don't know why you couldn't answer some of the questions better. I could have answered all of them.  They were really easy."  Then he corrected a bunch of things I had said in the talk.  Or "corrected" because in truth nothing he said was really relevant at all-- but it was very confidently argued!  Remember this was supposed to be a celebratory dinner for my dissertation.


That same guy also one time argued with a friend of mine, a biologist, about a plant she was feeling sad about because it was going extinct.  He said "why don't they just grow it in a greenhouse?"  And she said that was impossible;  it wouldn't grow there.  And he said "yes it will!  Just figure out the conditions it likes and replicate those.   It's obvious."  She just sort of stared at him.  


[My parents' comments are probably even more hilarious than these, but unfortunately I've repressed them!  If they come to mind, I'll post them.]

[vunil]

"They weren't meant to make you feel bad, but to help you become a better person"

That one is especially hilarious!