staying centered and calm

[mum]

I am always surprised that I still have an almost "panic" reaction when my ex "attacks".  All that happened was I heard from my attorney that he will be filing for a reduction in child support.  My first reaction was: Good, then it will all fall down around him....he will be exposed, finally....don't know how, just a feeling.
That sounds great, huh?  But I also feel sick to my stomache, I can't concentrate, it's a physical reaction.   I don't feel consiously afraid of him anymore, but obviously I have some kind of attachment reaction.  I have had lots of negative experiences in and out of court with him, so I know it's past stuff, too.
Can anyone enlighten me?  Does this happen to everyone?  Do I just need to feel it and not try to avoid that feeling...just go along and then let it go when I can?  I know how to let go of stuff, I know I can transform this....just wish it didn't hit or stick even a little bit.

Sometimes I feel like all the work I've done takes a giant back step .....I know I'm better, but I still get sick over this crap.

[Anonymous]

Hey Mum:

Filing for a reduction means court, right?  Court is stressful stuff no matter what.  No wonder your tummy hurts!!

!.  Because you have to have yet another show down with this person.
2. Because there is always the possibility and thus the fear that things might go badly (you could lose).
3. Because mothers just wanna be mothers.....not friggin' boxers in rings..which is what court feels like for many people.
4. Because it costs money and maybe that's a worry.
5. Because it feels like another ....attack.....which brings back all kinds of memories....and the feelings that go with them.

The good thing is.......you don't have to deal with it all today!!

For the rest of this day.....you can just let it go and do whatever makes you forget about it.  You can work on your plans, another day, when you feel stronger and better able to set asside #'s 1 thru 5 and focus on.....

1.  Strategy and ways to come out of there in the best possible shape.
2.  Dealing with the fears and focussing more on potential positive outcomes.
3.  Shining up those boxing gloves, putting them on, loosening them up.
4.  Planning for the financial possibilities.
5.  Resetting the clock.

That way...you take away some of the power this new development seems to have.  Sorry he keeps managing to do this, Mum.

((((((((Mum)))))))))

GFN

[miaxo]

mum

you are not abnormal for being that way.  It happens to me again and again.  

I panic too whenever I have to deal with him beyond emails but I am getting better at not letting the panic take over.  It's a terrible feeling, I know.  It gets especially bad for court but if you have a good attorney then just reassure yourself that everything will fall into place.  

It's normal to become upset when you have to face evil.  

Hang in there.  I'll be sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.

[Anonymous]

Hi mum,
I too react that way when bro comes up with some new angle of attack.  He just sent a really offensive letter to my MIL to try and drag her into our mess. It upset me more than it did her.

This is my technique, I don't recmmend it for everyone. I get super P.O.'d. That eliminates the fear and that feeling in the pit of my stomach. By the time the anger subsides the other emotions have too. I'd rather have righteous anger focused offensively outward than fear and trepidation held inside. Probably not what a therapist would recommend, but anything else feels artificial.

When the anger subsides I also pray for calm and peace, and occasionally for a well directed lightening bolt. He hasn't answered that one yet.

mudpuppy

[longtire]

mum,
Maybe you are just overwhelmed by all the feelings and reactions you have to seeing and dealing with him again?  Sensory overload rather than fear?  That was my reaction to reading your post, anyway.  I think anyone's stomach would flop over a couple times over the prospect of dealing with more of that crap.  Some of us are more sensitive and our stomach flops a few extra times.  

[miaxo]

mum

I wanted to add that I just went through the entire court drama regarding child support and visitation issues so if you need any specific advice feel free to ask.  I'll try to help as best as I can.  

mia

[Anonymous]

I think it's normal to have a panicky or somatic reaction to hearing that someone is going to court against you. I'd take a little time to reflect on how real the danger is, or whether it's some hot air blowing. If it's the latter, you will likely calm down very quickly on your own. If there is a real danger, then reflecting on the best strategy and taking one step in that direction might be helpful.

We're with ya.

bunny

[mum]

Thanks, you guys.  It helps a lot to hear I am not crazy, I can deal with it, it is understandable.....I especially like the going ahead and getting pissed off.. I certainly can do that....and I can leave it for later and go on and enjoy my day.  
A student came to me today and told me his classmate told him "some people are so slow" (an obvious dis about  his progress)...I told him to go back and say; "some people are so rude for saying such things"  He smiled, trotted off and did it.
Perhaps I can turn this around for myself as well....
people here are so nice (and really do understand!)

[Anonymous]

Mum:

I use to become somewhat frozen and paralyzed.  I accidently ran into my N SO.  It was at the book store.  He had some nasty things to say to me and I remember going on into the book store.  I tried to concentrate but I was so tramatized seeing him again that I just sat there and stared into space until I could get it together and go home.  I use to also have horrible stomach spasms.  I think GFN's list is a pretty good reason why I froze.  Patz

[mum]

Yes, Patz, I think you're right...GFN's lists were so right on...thanks, GFN.
Patz: sorry to hear it happen(s)(ed) to you as well, but glad to hear I am in good company, though.  I feel better tonight, saw a funny movie and had coffee with a friend (who is a screaming N I believe...keeping her at arms length!)
Decided not to borrow trouble now....nothing has been filed, although I do know what he is up to.  I found out he had been courted last weekend while on vacation by a huge group for a big bucks project.  Obviously he is trying to get a reduction in CS before he takes that job....He still sees child support as going to ME not his kids. Or who knows, he may see it as going to his kids and he doesn't give a shit....if it leaves his pocket that's all he cares about.  
Don't you just hate wasting time trying to figure out narcs?  Me too...so I give up.  Won't let him wreck my weekend!
Thanks for responding (everyone), it means a lot to me.

[Guest from afar]

Hi Mum,

As others have said, it's a normal reaction to feel ill at the thought of more trouble, especially legal battles. It would be of greater concern if you felt nothing, and had become desensitised to a state where you were unable to react normally.

In my past, when confronted with such blows to my serenity, stemming from an N in my life, I've tried doing something really physical - eg go for a run, treadmill, exercise bike, etc - to release the anger. I've also documented a point by point plan for dealing with it as quickly as I could, filed it somewhere handy, and then felt organised and prepared for dealing with it.

I am so sorry you are being hounded in this manner. Hang in there, and I'll say prayers for you.

S

[Anonymous]

Hi there Mum:

I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling better!  Thata girl!!!  Part of the great power these people have is removable......as much as I hate to admit it.  We don't have to allow their behaviour to wreck our serenity!!!  I react when the behaviour first surfaces.....but once I get over what feels like initial shock (which why in the heck I would EVER feel shocked at the behaviour...it's so typical....it's so predictable.....it's not going to quit..so I have no idea except that I haven't developed the skill of not doing that yet)...still, once I get over that first blazing blow....I try my hardest to think:

"I'm not going to let this wreck my blank (day, weekend, night, life, vacation, whatever)".

You've done that and so...... way to go, Mum!     Now, you will be much better able to deal with a plan, as it comes.

In court cases......fact...not emotion.....is what carries the weight.  So...if you can possibly get proof that your x has been offered, or will be offered a better, higher paying job.....and if you can get that information before a judge......I will bet you my left ear lobe (which isn't much of a prize...but still....I like it-when it's all dolled up with earings)....I will bet big time..that the judge will...get this:

INCREASE

.....the support payments!!!!  I'm not kidding!!

That happened to me!!!  My x refused to pay support payments, according to an agreement we had, and the judge.....increased them and garnished his wages to boot!!!  He begged for him to have another chance, to pay me directly, yadda yadda, and the judge said:  "You had your chance buddy!"

Now.....it may not be possible to prove that his income will be highter....not yet....but it is worth looking into and it's worth getting that idea infront of a judge.  Are there emails?  Reliable witnesses who could attest to this?  Anything???

Anyway.....it's a nice possibility to think about!  Enjoy your week end Mum and keep not letting him have any power over at least that much!!!

GFN

[Anonymous]

Hi guys. I talked to my therapist about this freezing panic when people attack. She asked me what color that felt like and then asked what color it would feel like to be able to feel safe stand up for myself and get away.

[mum]

guest: I am curious, did that color imagery help you? And what colors did you think of?  I have to consider that for a minute....