help!

[Anonymous]

These people act like, as you said Mudpuppy:

God.

Wait a minute....that's not what I mean!!

Try that again......

These people act like they think they are God!!!

N's=God

That's what I think you pointed out somewhere in another thread, Mudpuppy.

GFN

[Anonymous]

Wait a minute....that's not what I mean!!  

I knew what you meant. We both seem to be tripping over the keyboard lately.

mud

[vunil]

A small update--

Today there seems to have been some fallout from the meeting yesterday, and it's falling in my favor.  Everyone involved with the situation, with the exception of one woman who would say that the moon is made of cream cheese if her leader the bully declared it, seems to have seen it the way I do.  There weren't that many people there and they won't (can't) defend me publicly and the overall problem still exists because not everyone has seen such a bald display from her, but I feel heartened because

1.  I know that I'm not alone, and
2.  I know that when she does this again that others will "get" what is happening.  Maybe not everyone, but enough folks.  Sometimes I have trouble trusting that because I didn't get any acknowledgement in childhood-- things just got weird and stayed that way, with no one to confirm my suspicians.

In the meantime, I have a truly N person on the warpath against me, which hasn't changed.  I'll go do that reading now to figure out how to protect myself....

[Anonymous]

vunil,

Good news - I'm glad you were validated.

Keep the faith,

bunny

[Anonymous]

vunil,

I've been in that position a number of times.  I've actually allowed myself to be the "victim", well that's what they thought I was.  These situations were where the person was incompetent and I believe went after me because of feeling threatened by my competency.  I would just do my job and state my points in every situation but not push my points.  I would say something once and that was it.  I was honest and straight forward.  I've watched at least a half dozen people hang themselves (not literally), it was never pleasant to watch this happen.  They would usually attempt to smear me and intimidate me, but were not successful because I kept my head up and remained emotionally secure and did my job.  I remember one man (I'm a woman) who sat there one day telling me how incompetent I was, how my work was of very low quality etc., etc. and that I just didn't know "how to play the game".  Within a couple months he left the organization with his head down in disgrace.  He actually handed in a resignation saying I had to go or he was going to go.  His resignation was immediately accepted and I was informed by one of the people who was in the meeting where he handed in his resignation (there were 3 of our higher ups in the meeting) that they all could tell that he really thought that they wouldn't accept his resignation and instead that they would get rid of me.

LM

[Anonymous]

GFN, loved the story.

LM

[Anonymous]

GFN, loved the story.

LM

I don't like that story at all but I have not spoken of it and it does feel good to get it out.  I guess it's something I just tucked away, once it was over, and tried to forget.  But the rage I felt....typing some of that...I gotta tell ya....it was like a bad case of the flu coming up!!

I'm glad your situations worked out the way they did, LM.  You definately had more insight and acted with integrity.  Good for you!!

GFN

[Anonymous]

GFN,

I didn't see anything in your situation where you didn't also act with integrity.  I don't think you have anything to be ashamed about with what happened.

LM

[vunil]

I didn't see anything in your situation where you didn't also act with integrity. I don't think you have anything to be ashamed about with what happened.

Me, either! It's not as if you could have had a very-honest chat with her about what you perceive her relationship with you to be.  And you certainly couldn't have confronted her about her behavior. She would have banished you from the kingdom.

You never lied to her or anyone else.  You did manipulate her, but you manipulated her in a way that led to more peace for everyone else (and that she didn't mind).  And it wasn't really even manipulative beyond what we all do just to get along with each other (we all flirt and compliment, etc., even when we don't totally mean it, right?).

The good thing about meetings like I had, and the posts you all have generously made to help me is they push me realize what I need to keep remembering:  some people are N. Those people are broken. They do not follow the same rules as everyone else.  There is no sense getting hurt feelings by it or being surprised by it-- it just is.  If you want to keep your job and thrive, you have to deal with it.

That last one will take me forever to get to. But just knowing it's a goal helps a lot.  And knowing tricks to deal with it is priceless.

[Anonymous]

Wow! LM, Vunil!

I never thought about it like that.  Thankyou.  I will have to read your posts a few more times to get the words to sink in...because to be honest...I've really always thought of myself as acting......

hypocritical, false, sneaky, dishonest, unkind etc in that situation.  The only two things I've given myself credit for is that the compliments I made to T were true.   I know I tried really hard to look for the good and compliment that...in her and I really meant it (but I did so to get her to focus on me...rather than for her benefit, or because I cared, or any kind reason--which to me was not nice).

And....that I did what I did to make life a little easier for some who just seemed ready to break...from her constant harassment and abuse...and that was a good thing to do.  It certainly didn't hurt anyone...it helped.

But now....I see...that you are right.....T did enjoy my behaviour and didn't mind......as a matter of fact....I became her favorite supply!  I never thought of that before and that makes me feel a little better.  Also that I did so voluntarily, which means I can't cry abuse!  And she did feeeeeeeed offf of trying to "land" me and all the good qualities I pointed out in her (and she did have qualities).

Thankyou so much.  I'm glad I spoke of it.  I think it was in there bugging me and to be honest....embarassing me.  And it felt doubly bad to have been rewarded with praise by others for behaviour I consider....like that of an N.

I know we are all capable of acting Nish......given the right circumstances.  I really believe that but maybe it's not such a bad thing sometimes.  And as you say, Vunil:

...some people are N. Those people are broken. They do not follow the same rules as everyone else. There is no sense getting hurt feelings by it or being surprised by it-- it just is. If you want to keep your job and thrive, you have to deal with it.

I guess in that case....my anger saved me because the chances are high... that she would have done her best to "land" me anyway.  She did that with everyone and I might have just left there.  UrGGGG!!!

GFN

[bunny]

GFN, I will add my vote that you did nothing wrong. I am Machiavellian on the job and have no qualms about it. I would be wearing a sign saying "Kick me" if I didn't do it. At work I believe in playing the game as necessary. That doesn't mean I walk all over people or destroy them. This is all for self-protection. I'm not going to be a victim at work, period. I'm too old for that and don't have the time or energy.

LM, Your story was so great. I LOVE that he actually submitted his resignation with an ultimatum, and it was accepted!! It doesn't get any better than that.

bunny

[sleepyhead]

GFN: I too will join the long line of people telling you that they think you did the right thing! You didn't do it to hurt anyone, but instead you saved a lot of people from getting hurt! Bravo!      (And some applause as well!)

Vunil: I wish I could offer any helpful tips, but I'm not that clever when it comes to these things. On the other hand, in my experience there are to kinds of bullies, one that responds favourably to your "sucking up" to them, and one that sees this as a sign of weakness and so attacks you even harder. Hard to tell which one yours is... Good luck and hope you find a way of dealing (or not) with it that feels comfortable to you. Remember, there is no right or wrong way!

[Portia]

GFN, add my vote too. You did her no harm. You protected both yourself and those around you. Maybe you felt 'icky' for doing what you did because you knew she was misinterpreting your actions and that feels like dishonesty. But it's not! It's survival in the face of someone you cannot reason with. You cannot be honest with someone who doesn't have a clue what honesty is.

I hope if there's any residue of her bad behaviour sticking to you that you'll swipe it off now. It doesn't belong on you. You did good.

[Guest from afar]

I have worked with assorted people of that kind in my work environment (a large Australian university) for over thirty years. I am kind of used to such types. I can sense one of them quite quickly now and try to avoid them as much as possible. I just laugh to myself when they begin their idiocy.   I speak up calmly and clearly about what I believe, then if the idiot wins the discussion point at some meeting, well, who cares? I got to make my point, and no matter what the final decision is, I have been heard and I have maintained my honesty and dignity.

I try to leave committees and groups where narcissists are in positions of authority, as quickly and smoothly as possible. In one case, I forced myself to make the big move out of the university as "the idiot" was my boss and a real Machiavellian type. I hear now, from the safety of my new university, that he has risen from the Ashes, like Phoenix, and is terrorising everyone in a new coup. I am so glad I got out of there when I had the chance!  So you might want to rethink your dedication to this one particular company. Do you own it? If not, why do you have to be loyal to it and stay there? I know a move is disruptive, but it might be the best choice.

I wish you well,

S

[Anonymous]

Bunny:
 
 

GFN, I will add my vote that you did nothing wrong.

Thankyou so much for saying this.  It really means a lot to me and I really appreciate it.  I'm doing my best to believe it.

I'm not going to be a victim at work, period. I'm too old for that and don't have the time or energy.

I don't blame you one bit.  I can't see you sleeking around in the sidelines either, trying to avoid the inevitable.   No way!! ( And I bet you still look young and good looking because of it!!!  Age is just a number anyway).

Sleepyhead:  Thankyou, I'm not sure about the applause part but I thankyou sincerely anyway!   You are very kind to say all that!

Portia: Thankyou too so much too.

Maybe you felt 'icky' for doing what you did because you knew she was misinterpreting your actions and that feels like dishonesty. But it's not!

That's something to think about.  Thanks!

It doesn't belong on you.

You know.....you are so right!!!  I never thought of that either!!  I'm going to make my mind up to de-slime my brain as much as consciously possible regarding that experience and truly let go of the crap I thought I owned.  Why do I do that?  Own so much?  Thankyou again!!!

And I'm sooo glad to see you're out of hiding and posting again!!!  

Guest from afar:  I think your advice about leaving, if possible, is really good, for some people.  I have worked with a number of these Nish sorts and ended up dealing with them out of necessity.
I'm glad you were able to escape that terrorist!!  

GFN