Things I wish I could tell my ex

[Lara]

Dear Everyone,
As I go through the healing process, so many things come up that I would like to tell my ex. As I have no intention of contacting him though, do you mind if I share them with you instead?

TO MY EX:

1. You probably think that I'm an absolute sucker,for accepting your treatment of me, being there to listen to your problems even after you found somebody else, and supporting you materially. I would like you to know that actually I'm a very intelligent and well-respected person, and that altho you didn't see any evidence of it, I do have a mind of my own.

2. I have never had a chance to tell you that now I know you are a liar. I wish I had questioned what you told me about your past, and what you told me about your present. For some reason I never once asked you for any details.

3. I wish I had not confided my deepest secrets to you. I told you personal things about people in my life who were very special to me;and I shared things that nobody else knows about me. I would like to tell you now that you were not a person worthy of receiving these confidences. The reason I told you was that I believed you were my soulmate, and that I believed we would be there for each other, as friends or as lovers, for the rest of our lives.

4. I want to tell you that you enjoyed the best of me, without feeling any obligation to me in return. I know that you repeated the facts and ideas which you got from talking to me, and used them in conversation with other people, to impress them.
(And I noticed that when you very thoughtfully sent me photos recently of your new baby, you called her by the pet name which I used to call you!)

5. I want to tell you that I wish you would or could consider how it makes me feel when you occasionally leave messages for me on my phone. Consider how it makes me feel to get a message saying how you miss making love to me,a message which I didn't know at the time was sent when your girlfriend was pregnant with your (planned) baby.

6. I would like to shake you into some kind of reaction, by telling you that I have blocked your email,and will not pick up the phone if you ever call me again. I would like to MAKE you think why I am doing this, to MAKE you question your actions.

7. I want to tell you that altho I still miss the person I assumed you were, and altho you are always in the back of my mind, AND altho when I am in the city I am always subconsciously looking out for you ...I want to tell you that if I ever saw you coming along the street, I would walk fast in the other direction, or hide until you had gone past.I want you to think about why I would do that.


Dear friends on this board, thanks for listening. If anyone else has similar thoughts, and thinks it might help to post them,please do.

Sincerely,
Lara.

[mum]

Thank you Lara.  I think your idea is healthy.  You expressed your pain and your resolve to take care of yourself beautifully.

I think I will write such a thing (to my ex) and then BURN it and then do a happy dance!  Lovely.

[Brigid]

Dear Lara,

Thank you for this post.  I share many of the same feelings and the pain that goes with them.

I have never had a chance to tell you that now I know you are a liar. I wish I had questioned what you told me about your past, and what you told me about your present. For some reason I never once asked you for any details.

I have actually told him this, but his response was "didn't you ever lie about things?"  No, I didn't as a matter of fact.  They don't see their lying as the destructive thing it is.  It is their protective device and they feel entitled to use it as such.


 

I want to tell you that altho I still miss the person I assumed you were, and altho you are always in the back of my mind, AND altho when I am in the city I am always subconsciously looking out for you ...I want to tell you that if I ever saw you coming along the street, I would walk fast in the other direction, or hide until you had gone past.I want you to think about why I would do that.

I quite often read the poem by Wendy Cope that I first read on this site:

I can't forgive you,
Even if I could,
You wouldn't pardon me for seeing through you
And yet I cannot cure myself of love
For what I thought you were before I knew you.

From the first time I read that I have felt it said exactly what has been in my heart from the day he left.  The man I thought he was and the man he actually is are so opposite of each other, but I didn't see it until he smacked me upside the head with the truth.  But now that I have seen the truth, the man just gets uglier and uglier.

Lara, thank you for your words.  We'll all get through this together and be stronger and healthier women or men because of it.    
 

Brigid

[Anonymous]

Lara,

You probably think that I'm an absolute sucker

This is the only thing I disagree with in your post. He envies you, he doesn't look down on you. Even the sickest psychopath knows he has something wrong with him. They know they're empty.  And they know we aren't. Thats why they latch onto us; we have something they want, but it isn't transferrable.
I find some solace in knowing even though my N slanders and libels me, in his heart he really wishes he was more like me, not like himself. He once asked me during an argument, "you probably feel sorry for me don't you?"  I said I did because he would end up a bitter old man who would die alone. Your's may not admit it to you, but they all envy the decent normal people they use.
Lara, I hope your post made you feel better. I thought about posting what I wish I had said to mine, but I didn't want to break longtire's record for longest post.
Hope you wash that man right out of your hair as the song goes, and may I suggest changing your phone number?
God bless.

mudpuppy

[forwardbound]

Let me first say that I'm so glad I found this board. While I'm sorry that all of us have had to experience this, it helps to find others who have.

[

quotI quite often read the poem by Wendy Cope that I first read on this site:

I can't forgive you,
Even if I could,
You wouldn't pardon me for seeing through you
And yet I cannot cure myself of love
For what I thought you were before I knew you. e]

These words are sad, (more for them possibly)  but a perfect sentiment for what I, and obviously numer others feel.[/quote]

[mum]

Mudpuppy, You and my fiance both say the same thing (he is another strong, kind man):
He says my exN is in awe of me, he wants what I have that he never will: the ability to love.  He says my ex knows deep down, that he is empty and hard, that his children can't stand him, and that he is essentially a shell of a human.  I argue, that if that is true, there would be humility there.  But, he says..........it's all so well covered by the N behavoir, that we think they know nothing about their flaws....and they certainly would never admit any of it.
But that brings me to a question:  I though N's really DO NOT have the ability to even see anything they don't want to. As in, they simply cannot.
How does that work, then?

[Anonymous]

mum,
I don't agree that they can't see themselves, they just hate what they see. Their whole life, I think, is an effort to cover up what they see. I believe we fundamentally misunderstand them if we think they are only trying to present a facade to the world. They know what they are and the main reason they are so desperately unhappy is because they cannot deceive themselves about their inhuman nature even if they think they've got others fooled.
They envy us, they hate themselves.
I believe even the most cold hearted psychopath, deep down is self loathing not conscienseless. They just direct all of their life energy to suppressing it (their emptiness) and fooling as many others as they can.
They don't go through all they do and present a facade because its fun. They think their survival as a person depends on it, because they think they would die psychically if the truth about what's inside came out.
That's what I see inside these people anyway. Any thoughts.

mudpuppy

[mum]

Mudpuppy: what you say does make sense.  
My ex had a very nasty childhood: his father: a nasty N alcoholic, his mother: a scared to death enabler.  My N friend had another horrible childhood, an emotionally abusive N mom and lots of twisted psych abuse that goes with it all.
It makes sense, that if they had such poisoned earth from which to grow, that they know they are less..... and hate those of us who are healthy, loving "flowers"........
Lara: not meaning to hijack your post.  I just re-read your original. Very powerful....

[Princess]

Hi everyone,
Its so good to know that I'm not alone.  My husband and I broke up almost 3 months ago after I found out he was cheating on me and his girlfriend was pregnant.  I thought that my heart would break into pieces and my insides felt as if they were being ripped apart from the inside out.

Now here's the strange part.  When we were together I thought I was going crazy...feeling so tense, crying easily and before we broke up, I felt angry almost all the time, but didn't know why.  I really thought I was loosing it.  I felt guilty when I would say mean things to my husband.  He could be so cold and uncaring...I wanted to get some sort of reaction from him...I wanted to know that he loved and cared for me.  He could sleep on the couch a week at a time, greet the dog when he came home from work and in fact give more attention to the dog than me.  I believe he did that on purpose to hurt and control me.   At other times he spoke so tender to me that it brought tears to my eyes.  I was on a constant teter totter emotionally.  The highs were great in the beginning, but the lows happened most of the time as I could see him withdrawing more and more.  I got so sick of him continually taking from me and never being a giver, I just couldn't pet that devil that drove him any longer.

Now, here is the craziest part.  Since he is gone and has a restraining order against him because he asaulted me....I fantasize about being with him, I miss him, want to make love to him, even though in all of our years of marriage I never had an orgasm!  I never had difficult before him.  I read somewhere that deep inside a person knows that they cannot trust their partner and that is why one is unable to release with an orgasm.  
Has anyone gone thru similar things as me?
bye for now,
Princess

[Lara]

Dear All,
Having  just read your replies above, I haven't had time to formulate my thoughts properly, but I'd like to ask something..very vague in my mind so far...

You said Mudpup that my ex probably doesn't see me as a sucker...that would be comforting. On the other hand, if he saw me as an enviable, strong,person,worthy of respect, how could he just cut me out of his life and move on? Wouldn't he have done something to ensure that I still had a role in his life?(And I was willing to stay in his life even 'just' as a friend;it was when I started trying to set boundaries that he felt unable to meet, that I felt I had to pull out to avoid being hurt anymore.)

I think that I would feel better now if I at least felt 'remembered' by him in a positive way. But isn't the stereotype of an N, that they use people and then move on? That is what I feel has happened to me,and it hurts that he has either forgotten me, except for when he calls on a whim to fulfil some momentary need in himself; or that as I said earlier, he thinks of me as a sucker or a pushover. And sorry to repeat myself, but if I meant more to him than that, how could he have let me walk away?

Take care everyone,
Lara.

[Anonymous]

Lara,
In talking of NPD I don't think you are grasping the nature of it. Its not just a matter of using people and moving on.
Think of a drug addict. They don't care where they get it as long as they get it. Ns don't care where they get supply as long as they get N supply. That is where the using and moving on comes from. Once people realize they are being used they stop supplying and start challenging, which means its time for Mr. N to move on to the next victim, although they often torment former victims just to maintain the air of control, and in hopes of one more lapse on your part.
If you are weak and submissive you will get his approval. If you stand up for yourself, inside he respects and probably fears you, but outside its time to attack because you are denying him supply and threatening his facade.

And sorry to repeat myself, but if I meant more to him than that, how could he have let me walk away?

Lara, you are thinking way too much like a human being and not nearly enough like the emotional leeches these people are. This hurts, I know, but you didn't mean anything to him, except to dull the pain he has inside. Just because he envies you doesn't mean he won't get rid of you if you aren't servicing his all important needs. He doesn't think of you at all in the way you think he does. Nothing that is important to us is important to them.
There's nothing in there except a scared, deformed brat. Thank your lucky stars you're not the poor soul having his children. She will suffer for the rest of her life.
Give it a little time and you'll be fine, and please keep posting; there are a lot of people on here who can help you with your situation a lot better then me.
God bless,

mudpup

[bunny]

Hi everyone,

My philosophy on it:

Narcissists come in different styles. Some of them have memories like steel traps; others have near-amnesia. The similarity is in the selfishness; they either remember or forget when convenient.

One hallmark of narcissism is envy. They are all intensely envious, especially of people who can feel "good" , "happy," "joyous," "benevolent," "content," etc. This envy is unconscious. Therefore they don't openly admit to feeling envious (except once in a while a glimmer of it slips out) because they aren't usually aware of it. And they don't act on the envy in a positive way (i.e., respecting or emulating the envied person). They act on it in a very negative way through retaliation, sadism, attempts to destroy the good things. This is how they operate for survival at a deep level. Anything else is [to them] submitting to utter humiliation and self-destruction. I think mudpup is aware of this in his brother.

Lara, your ex may have positive feelings for you. I sense that he does. On one level, he may think you were a sucker (a projection of his own fears about himself), but on another level he probably senses that you are "good" and that automatically makes him "bad" because he can't be as "good" as you are. Then he has to punish you, etc. it gets complicated. Bottom line, he is an extremely chaotic and confused person who mixes up his emotional states and self-states with those of others and has no clue who he is, or what he's doing. So any contact with him will also confuse you. You aren't sending that letter to him and it was great that you shared it here.

bunny

[Anonymous]

bunny,
You're probably right that I made it more black and white than it is, and there are varying degrees of Nness, but I was only talking about the actual disorder NPD.
The only place I might differ is in the area of self awareness. I just see too much evidence in the admissions they make under pressure for them not to know what they are doing. And frankly I think the more screwed up they are the more self aware they are.
That's my theory anyway and I'm sticking to it. If I'm wrong then I guess they're even more pitiful than I thought.

mudpup

[Anonymous]

mudpup,

I didn't mean to say you were making it more black and white than it is. That didn't cross my mind; actually I meant that you understand what is going on within a narcissist's internal workings.

I believe someone who is being very very nasty does have an idea that they are nasty. However this lasts about a millisecond and then they start blaming others for their nastiness. They can't sustain self-awareness for longer than a few seconds. Then massive anxiety sets in and they have to project the bad feelings into another person.

bunny

[Anonymous]

bunny,
Gotcha. I misunderstood what you meant.

I did however make it too black and white. I should have made clear I was talking just about NPD and not someone with N tendencies.

mud