Battling the Narc.

[ForumPoser]

Does anyone else have a huge desire to change or battle the narcs in our lives?  My good friend is a classic narc and I have such a desire to a.) beat him down to earth and b.) change him and get him to empathize.  I am also trying to heal/change my narc father and mother.

My friend thinks he is the best at what he does and even goes on to say it quite often.  Of course, he is good.  But not that good.  I want to both quash his ego and get him to be more human and caring about others.

Am I sadistic?  If someone on the street said "I'm the best", I'd roll my eyes or laugh and walk away.  But this guy...and my parents...it's like I live for it.  Gotta change them.  Gotta battle them.  Gotta make 'em pay for their egos and also make them change.  I want to punish and heal at the same time.

Anyone else feel this way?  It can't be good.

[Anonymous]

ForumPoser - forum poser?  
Yes I've felt like you say. No it's not good. I'm learning what it is that pushes my buttons in other people, and it's usually similarities to my parents.

I don't want to wise up my parents any more. I wish one would 'wake up' but it's not going to happen: and I learned that bashing my head repeatedly against that brick wall wasn't much fun. And the wall didn't move! You have to accept it ain't moving, it won't change. They will not change.

Understand the anger though and it does have to come out. Tell us some more, what it is about this male that gets to you so much?

Welcome, Portia (not signed in but briefly visiting)

[Anonymous]

P.S. Sorry I forgot up there. No, it's not sadistic. Anger is okay! Vent away. It's safe to do it here. Done any therapy? Portia

[Anonymous]

just a thought...TokyoJ is that you? If it is TJ, welcome back, seriously.
If not, sorry ForumPoser, as you were.
Portia

[bunny]

You aren't sadistic. You may be annoyed, irritated, outraged, appalled, furious, frustrated, angry, pissed off, resentful, horrified, and probably a few other things. You may also yearn for your friend to be a better friend. You may wish there was a way to magically transform him.

Unfortunately nothing is going to change him. You could affectionately make fun of him. You could ignore his bragging. In other words, you can change your reaction to him. That might change his reaction to you. That's all we can do with another adult. We can't change them, but maybe we can change their reaction to us. Maybe.

bunny

[ForumPoser]

Thanks for the advice, great words.  I am still angry at him, angry that any argument I have always twists its way around to be about him and how I've hurt his feelings and how he'l 'get back to me when he's good and ready'.  I went through a depressive suicidal phase after getting trashed by the critics on a play I directed, dark moment in my life, and he withdrew.  I needed a friend more than anything, and when we finally talked he said "I just didn't want to be around you, you're so depressing".  I realize now...not a cool thing for a friend to say.

The anger and hurt is coming now that I realize he is a Narcissist and that my attempts to help him are in vain.  You're right, I should learn to adjust my reaction to him.  Not make myself so bitter and angry.  

Is there a glimmer of hope in those who are sane that makes us want to help others?  I have to realize he cannot be helped.  Hard thing to accept.

[Anonymous]

YOu can't change these people, plain and simple. I've been through the same thing with my Nmother. She just won't get it. You can talk for hours and short of drawing pictures for these folks, they just don't get it. They're never wrong. Don't waste your time. Find some people to be friends with that you don't have to work so hard at and that won't drive you crazy.

[Anonymous]

Your friend has limited resources to deal with other people. When the going gets rough, he can't handle it. He isn't emotionally an adult but a small child. When you expect him to be an adult he can't do it. And no, you can't change him.  It is hard to accept if you had a strong belief that you could fix or change him. It's kind of painful to accept it. But if you can, other possibilities will become available with more "together" people.

bunny

[mum]

forumposer: hate to dump on your field, but you must know its teeming with N's!!!?
I used to be in theater and was once married to someone in performing arts.  Hard to find a genuine person amongst the posing.  Critics?  Please! Beyond  the beyond.....can't even DO, just talk about it!
My second husband IS his image. That's it. Nothing more, pull back the curtain and there's nothing there.  Empty, alcohol fried void.

The anger you feel is normal.  Learning how to express it and finding healthy ways to process it is key...not ignoring it or wishing  it didn't exist.
Your "friend" is a jerk.  Sorry, I have one like that too.  It's all about her.  Still trying to figure out why I'm her friend, but I have to tell you, setting MY boundaries on what I will and will not take from her has changed things somewhat.  She is either "learning" (doubtful) or just adjusting to me....and I am in control of ME now, not her. You'll get there.  You might want to find some friends out of your field though  

Don't mean to offend.  I'm right there with you.  Once on this board (can't rmember when....oh, GFN, can you help ) someone said something about closing the lid, as in "the trash receptacle you once thought I was is now closed.  You own your trash....now deal with it yourself."  You are angry (rightfully so) because you took on his pain (which is what crappy behavoir usually is). Close the lid.  He will go somewhere else.