It's been my experience that sharing my personal struggles with friends have backfired on me. The outcome didn't turn out the way I had hoped. I think b/c when I shared such things, the dynamic of our friendship changed, for they no longer see me the same way as before I shared with them. They see me in a different light. In a sense, I feel they see me as helpless and one needing help. So from those experiences, I learn to keep my vulnerabilities to myself or share them with ppl who would be objective toward me. My friends mean no harm, it's just that it leaves them feeling helpless, uncomfortable, and even awkward. And I think, as a result, they think of me less.
Until I joined this board, I've kept my feelings all to myself. I didn't give my hurts a voice. I even downplayed them. So in many ways, they have been repressed and unacknowledged by me. Now, I realized how important it is to give my feelings a voice and validation.
The statement of everybody being the scared and vulnerable when looked beyond the superficial is a very good point. I know underneath the outer appearance, we are all the same. Imperfection and vulnerability are commonalities we all have as humans. It's just that some ppl have better self-preservation skills than others. One of my problems is that I have tunnel vision when it comes to seeing myself and seeing others. And I struggle with being afraid what others think about me or upsetting them. When I sense ppl have positive thoughts about me, I feel good about myself, i feel validated. But when I sense they have negative feelings or thoughts about me, then I feel aweful and think I did something wrong. Maybe i feel this way, b/c i can't bear being disapproved and rejected by others. When I feel others have negative thoughts about me based on what I say, then I associate that as a form of disapproval and invalidation. Maybe, I try to avoid such strong negative feelings while sabotaging my own self-preservation b/c of the hurt I felt growing up feeling disapproval from my mother when I did something she did not approve of. I'm not sure
I rather disapprove and reject myself before having others disapprove of me. It should be the opposite, right?
This misdirected need I have prevents me from interacting with ppl beyond the superficial
And leaves me being shallow with my feelings and thoughts and shallow with the level of communicatio with others. I think it would do me much good if I can do the reverse. This mindset leaves me feeling weak and insecure. Now, it goes without saying that everybody needs to feel approved and validated. I think that's what we all need and want. But how do I go about meeting those needs from me and not others? How do I rechannel or redirect my needs from within and not from without? I think if I can learn how to do this, my life would be transformed, b/c my mind would be liberated from feeling a deep need for approval from others or from my performance.
