Acceptance of Ourselves is serenity...

[Lovelylilac]

Hello everyone!  I'm new to this forum.  Many of the postings I've read so far have been very encouraging and enlightening to me.  Thank you!

I would like to share something that has been a constant struggle for me ever since I was a child.  Over the years, especaially, in my adult years, I realize that a constant stumbling block for me is not knowing how to accept myself completely for who I am, not for what I should be.  I came across a quote the other day that spoke volumes to me:  "Acceptance of ourselves is serenity. And a serene spirit is the source of all strength".

From reading that quote, I totally agree that self aceptance is the key to having peace with oneself.  Without peace there is internal turmoil and conflict.  For a long time, I desire to improve myself or better myself, etc.  I now realized that to have that train of thought is to subconsciously believe that there is something wrong with me and I must do something about it.  Like there's a wart on me that I can't seem to get rid of.  Perhaps, that mentality was the very thing that prevents me from growing as an individual or from growing stronger as a person.  For I never did and still haven't completely accepted myself, including my shortcomings and all.

Isn't it true that if a person doesn't accept oneself completely, then that person cannot accept others full, either?

I feel like I know what I need to do to be at peace with myself and to be happy, but I don't know how to facilitate it or have the inner strength to do so.  Like I can see the pieces of the puzzle, but don't know how to make them all fit together.  I feel so frustrated, confused, and defeated.  My life is stuck in second gear because I don't know how to accept myself completely.

Does anyone have similiar struggles?  If so, how did you get past the hurdle and what's your secret to success?  Thanks for any thoughts and/or helpful tips.

[Anonymous]

Isn't it true that if a person doesn't accept oneself completely, then that person cannot accept others full, either?

Hello Lovelylilac,

I don't know about accepting myself completely. That's a pretty tall order. There's no way I'm going to accept myself 100%. It won't happen. But there is a lot of middle ground between beating myself up and being 100% self-accepting. So I'm in the middle ground. I like myself well enough to withstand the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

bunny

[longtire]

Welcome Lovelylilac,
I have been working to accept myself very recently and made big steps.  Still, I don't know whether I'll every reach 100%.  Right now where I'm at is good enough.  Speaking as a reforming perfectionist, that means a lot!  I differentiate between accepting and loving myself as I am and still seeing areas where I can grow.  That's quite different than feeling like I have to change to be OK.  I'd like to claim that I've felt that way for years, but actually, its only been a couple of days.  I look forward to getting to know you better.

[Brigid]

Welcome LovelyLilac,
I think self-acceptance is certainly something to strive for, but I doubt if many attain it fully.  But I think you can feel peace without total self-acceptance.  If you can come to terms with what in your life is within your control and accept that, you're on the road to inner peace IMO.  I have recently determined that I must be happy with I have rather than unhappy about what I don't have.  I have stopped looking at what I lost and have start seeing the possibilities in what I have gained.

I think the peace comes from accepting life and living it the best you can.  You can always strive to be a better person and to love yourself more, but I don't think we should ever reach that pinnacle, but keep pushing the goal further out in front.

All the best to you.

Brigid

[Portia]

Welcome  

I feel like I know what I need to do to be at peace with myself and to be happy

Acceptance might be accepting that right now isn’t the time for you to be at peace and happy.

You might want to accept that right now being confused and frustrated is exactly where you belong!   But you don’t sound 'defeated', otherwise you wouldn’t be here right?

Perfection doesn’t apply to being healthy. Perfection doesn’t really exist I think. Imperfection is part of acceptance maybe. Striving for perfection in anything is unhealthy imo.

[Bliz]

Hi,
A quote I heard recently was about accepting ourselves as well as accepting what life has to offer us even if it doesnt fit our agenda at the time or is painful.  In other words, accepting that we can not control life and also trying not to run from the pain but feel it when it comes.  

Sor tof appreciate life in all its colors, circumstances and emotions.  I think for me for many years it was about avoiding the pain and controlling the situation.  It really is a lot more freeing to give up control and feel the pain so you can move on to the joy.  A tough lesson to learn for me but one with many rewards if I chose to experience it.

[Anonymous]

Welcome Lovelylilac:

For I never did and still haven't completely accepted myself, including my shortcomings and all.

Maybe the hardest thing to accept is that we do have shortcomings, that we are human, that we will never be perfect?

Do you see others as having less shortcomings (that they are somehow more perfect or ahead or you in this area)?

My life is stuck in second gear because I don't know how to accept myself completely.

What if you start small?  What if you work on accepting one thing about yourself that you wish were different?  Or.....plan on how to improve in that area....so you will be happier about yourself, more acceptable in that area?

I think expecting 100% of ourselves, about ourselves is unrealistic.  We are imperfect and not able to achieve total perfection and therefore something about us will always be unacceptable.

Neither is total serenity possible.  Life is about ups and downs, good things happening and bad things happening.  Nothing stays the same and nothing is guaranteed.  Maybe the highest level of serenity possible is that which is flexible?

Afterall, because each day is different and because our feelings vary....we will be affected differently by disturbances.  No one can stay calm and unruffled alllllll of the time, right?  I don't think that's possible.

Have a Happy Easter Everyone!

GFN

[Anonymous]

Welcome Lovelylilac,
How do you define acceptance?
If you define it as being satisfied and happy with every aspect of yourself then forget it; I doubt if anyone has ever achieved that.
If you define it as acknowledging you are what you are at this present time, but maybe you could still use a little work; and you have done what you've done in the past and the past can't be changed, then maybe that can be achieved.

I haven't but perhaps someone else has.

Popeye always said "I yam what I yam" so maybe he should be our role model.   Pass the spinach.

Very pretty handle incidentally.

mudpuppy

[mum]

First off: Mudpup, can't believe you quoted Popeye!!  That line has been my mantra for years.....especially to people who question my individuality!
(and just so you know, Mud, that would be everyone....you'd be surprised, I don't fit into any catagory)
I'm not a tatoo fan, but if I was......that line would be on my forehead!!!!
It's the ultimate self acceptance line.  Go Popeye! (although he really must stop Bluto from pushing his buttons! Get over it Popeye!  Move on.  and by the way: Olive is fickle!)

Lovelylilac!  Welcome.  Your post was right there for me.  Right there.  
Yes, we must learn to accept ourselves.  It is, however, not a goal, but a journey.  We never get "there" in any spiritual goal....thank God (or whoever )

You might enjoy the writings of Pema Chodron (no, I am not a paid endorser!).  She has such a humorous and gentle way of expressing such a journey.  I find comfort in her writing almost more than a host of others: (who I also love: Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Ann Ford, The Dali Lama, Norman Vincent Peale, and on and on).  Something about her down to earth style I think, and that it is this very topic (self acceptance, compassion) that she hits on all the time.

I don't believe perfection or 100% acceptance is what you were talking about anyway.  But "being stuck" I get.  Pain gets us stuck.  Pain is what has this planet stuck....or I should say, not knowing what to do with pain, not recognizing what it is all about and how to process it has us stuck.

Stuck for me is when I focus on the "nots"; not knowing, not believing, not trusting, not detaching, not not not.... name it.... or all the things I am "negative about" or want to go away about my life.  All things painful, actually.

I am unstuck/free when I let the negativity all go. Why? because I get to choose my thoughts and feelings...I am in control of those...and usually I am NOT in control of the things I obsess about, the past, the future, etc.
I am free when I focus on the "cans, the yes', the absolutely's and exactly's: the joy of RIGHT NOW.....and all the things I am pretty positive about or want to have in my life (or already do!!).

The fact that you are thinking about these things puts you squarely on the map, I think, of an "awakened" spiritual traveler!!!!  Welcome.  We're all in this together.

[sleepyhead]

Welcome lovelylilac! (Love the name, lilacs are one of my favourite flowers, that scent!)

Maybe true perfection lies in being imperfect, in still growing and improving? If we can find acceptance of ourselves in this idea, we are perfect not despite of but because of our flaws? After all, "complete" perfection is stale, boring and quite Nish.

[Anonymous]

Thank you everyone who replied to my posting!!!  You made a lot of good points about the idea of complete self-acceptance.  They are very much appreciated by me.  After I read the responses to my topic, I realized that I was being too general in what I wrote, and I'm afraid I didn't convey my point very well.  I apologize for that.  Well, it's my first attempt at this.  I didn't do all too bad, right?   I totally agree that it is humanly impossible to reach a point of complete self-acceptance, for we are imperfect.

I would like to share something in my next posting that I think will be more indicative of what goes on in my mind.

[Anonymous]

LL,

I didn't do all too bad, right?

You did great. I think we all got the point of your post. It is something anyone involved with an N is forced to consider.

I'm looking forward to your next post.

Sleepy, I used to look forward to every spring to smell the lilacs.    

mudpup

[Lovelylilac]

I think my struggle on self-acceptance can be summed up by this:  I'm still at the point of not knowing how to accept my enough to reach the level of having inner serenity, inner peace, and being happy with who I am with my shortcomings and all.

Thanks for listening!

[P as guest]

LL, I wonder who you compare yourself to?

Do you have some idea of what inner serenity, inner peace, and being happy with who you are is like? What does that look like to you?

I wonder if you, and many of us, strive for something because we think we should do, because we think other people are happier, more serene, more peaceful than we are.

It's like always having to meet someone else's standard. Take away the comparisons and we might just be happy?

If we look at the opposite of what you think you don't have: do you think you have inner turmoil, inner war and that you are unhappy with you are?

Sometimes I look at women's magazines and at pictures of models in fashion clothes. I could feel very 'inferior' just looking at the pictures. Instead I get rid of the magazine and voila! - no problems.

take care, portia

[Lovelylilac]

Portia,

Thank you for your reply.  Those are very thought provoking questions for me to ask myself.  I feel for me the level of self acceptance that would give me inner serenity is when I  feel proud of who I am for who I am.  And have enough confidence in myself to be confortable with who I am in a room full of confident, assertive, and self-assured ppl.  I still feel a deep level of uneasiness when I'm around ppl whom I perceive as very confident and sure of themselves.  I just feel I don't measure up to them.  When I think that way, I start to feel like I'm not on the same level as them.  And I start to feel inferior to them in inner strength.  I guess, i feel that way b/c those are the qualities I wish I have.  When I come across ppl who display those qualities, they remind me of what I lack.  When I start to think this way, I lose focus of the big picture and of reality.  The truth of the matter is, they are not better than me and I'm not worse off than them.  They are as imperfect as I am.  But when I'm in the situation, the force of not measuring up just takes over my thinking, my self-perception, and even my emotions.  I don't know how to override this unnecessary thinking process in the heat of the moment.  This is my predicament.  I still haven't been able to look pass the intimidating monstrous shadow of something very harmless.   How crazy is that???I think the first thing i see, and my mind gets fixated on, is the image I project of ppl and not the source of the image.  What am I not getting???  This has a lot to do with the way I was brought up, I think.  As I was growing up, my mother was emotionally intimidating and manipulative.  She's good at making me feel guilty b/c I felt like I was the one at fault.  That was her way of being in control of the situation, by making me feel little with my feelings and dignity, etc.  That was her way of feeling superior.  Of course, I got sucked into her emotional manipulation.  The sad thing was, I don't think she was being intentionally conniving, she was just being her strong-willed self.  She was afraid to lose control, so in turn, she was controlling.  I don't blame her for how my self-image is affected by her, but it has a permanent mark on the way I perceive myself in relation to others and in the way I see myself.  In my early adult years after I was able to put 2 and 2 together in terms of my mother's manipulative disposition towards me, I became very resentful towards her.  Now, I'm able to move pass that resentment.