Hi Bloopsy,
I just want to reiterate what someone said earlier in this thread, because I'm noticing it a LOT lately:
Being mean and hurting someone's feelings are two different things.
If I tell someone that I'm feeling badly about their actions, their feelings may be hurt but that is no reason for me to hide my feelings. If I do hide feelings, they may eventually explode into an episode in which I really AM "mean." To me, if I'm using "I" statements to describe how I feel, and not telling someone they're a jerk or whatever, then I'm not being mean.
The other thing is that sometimes we cannot simultaneously tell the truth AND make someone feel good or agree with us. As other people have mentioned, growing up with N's makes it really hard for us to withstand disagreement, disapproval, anger, sadness, etc from others. After all, it was our job to avoid these things from the N. We somehow got the impression that if we do the "right" thing, other people will feel good about us. But think about this: if our actions are dictated by the emotional reactions of others, then we are completely vulnerable to manipulation. If someone wants us to act a certain way, all they have to do is disapprove of us or exhibit negative emotions and voila, they get their way. People may not even do this consciously - and we may actually teach them to do it. Although I don't have kids, I think it's the same thing: When you set appropriate boundaries with your kids, they may not like it and they may get mad and/or cry, etc. Does this mean you shouldn't set boundaries? Of course not!! But unfortunately I have seen some parents who cannot withstand negative reactions from their children, and the kids become little terrors. It's hard, but we must PRACTICE to prevent the people in our lives from terrorizing us!![/quote]
