What's your take on this?

[Anonymous]

I just saw it was your BIL who said you were obsessing, not your husband. Sorry. Is he a nice person, or not very supportive

He's an extremely nice person and genuinely cares about his brother and me.  I think when you aren't on the front line with this sort of situation it can be difficult to fully relate to it.   BIL normally wouldn't say boo and that is why husband and I were surprised that he would comment on it.
I know BIL cares.

Maybe after a little break I will *reinstitute* my screen name and let X N it is up and running again.  You are right that his written word will do him in.  I need to stop letting myself get so upset by his words and learn to completely ignore them.  Thanks bunny.

Mia

[mum]

((((((mia)))))).  Hang in there, sister.  You know I feel for you.
Getting the N's to expose themselves feels like such futility.  I've decided to take as much energy as I can away from my exN.  He demands my energy with constant threats, etc. as well.  I respond as little as legally possible. I know I am in a better position than you are, with my kids being older, but it's not as if he suddenly "hears" them, though.

I've decided to let my attorney hold my boundaries.  I've decided that if I start spending any thinking energy on him that I: stop, wait, not react right away.  Just sit.  then I decide whether to scream (first choice) alone or to my fiance, and then do what ever I can to say  "this is insanity.....I won't hold onto this.....there is no rhyme or reason so don't bother with it" and let it go (takes a while...lots of visulization and breathing).
If it is something for my lawyer to deal with, I let her.  

Then I tell myself to think about something else that I WANT (as opposed to what I don't want)....my thoughts are my own, so I get to decide: my personal favorites: what I am going to do with all my money when I am rich/win the lottery.....picturing my perfect home (that I designed, of course)....vacationing with kids and no ex in sight, etc etc.   And I try to be grateful for what I do have right now that is wonderful (my health, my family, my kids, my house, my dogs....)

I have found out, in the midst of all this, that the best thing I can do for my kids is NOT actually fight my ex actively, but subversively. How?

I get happy.  I show my kids the other way to do life.  They like being around me because I am not always angry and worried.....they feel safer and more centered around ME.  They see thier father and his wife obsessing and angry and scheming and controlling and negating ....and they want to be happy instead.
It's extremely hard to pull my energy away from this man, but if I can spend even half of that energy spent resisting what I DON"T WANT, and turn it into creating what I DO WANT, then I could be pretty darn happy.

I think this is what your BIL was talking about maybe.

[Anonymous]

Oh my gosh, Mum!  I can't believe it.  My Mom just left here no more than ten minutes ago saying some of the same things you are saying here:

Then I tell myself to think about something else that I WANT (as opposed to what I don't want)....my thoughts are my own, so I get to decide: my personal favorites: what I am going to do with all my money when I am rich/win the lottery.....picturing my perfect home (that I designed, of course)....vacationing with kids and no ex in sight, etc etc. And I try to be grateful for what I do have right now that is wonderful (my health, my family, my kids, my house, my dogs....)

If two *Mums* are giving the same advice I better clean the wax out of my ears and listen.

My children are with their Dad tonight for a dinner date.  My daughter has family night for her grade level at the elementary school.  This will be the first time X N is going to attend a school related actitivity for the kids.
Around 6:30 PM Eastern ST please send good thoughts and positive energy my way as I will be sitting in a small classroom with X N.  

I have already told myself that I am going to enjoy myself.  Hopefully he will feel out of sorts since he doesn't know any of the other parents and he has never met the teacher.  Even if he acts like he is Father of the Year, I will still smile.  Hopefully I won't choke as I try to hold back my vomit.  

Mia

[Anonymous]

Mia:

N's really know how to pour on the charm when it is to their benefit.  All the time you are watching just wanting to barf at it all.  Surely your therapist is she has anything going on at all is not hoodwinked by all his blathering?  

Hopefully when he goes to school tonight he will be just a sore thumb sticking out.  Patz

[mum]

Sorry, Mia...missed your time zone thing (it's early here)...but although it is stressful, I have found that my ex is pretty much just tolerated in  those school functions, maybe because I know all the parents at my daughter's school (I taught thier kids) but even at my son's school, I just get along with parents, teachers, better: one, because they know me (Dad is not usually around) and two: most a**h***s  smell!
Teachers are there for kids, most parents are there for kids.....your ex and mine are there for themselves....and people feel that.
Hope you did fine (and think, by the time thier weddings come along, they might not even want to invite the jerk).  Here's to happy thoughts (some days all I can muster is a vision of my dog attacking the tv....but it's happy)
MUM

[Brigid]

Mia and Mum,

by the time thier weddings come along, they might not even want to invite the jerk

I actually pray for this on a regular basis.  Nothing would please me more.  

Apparently, my a$$h*#@ has been laying guilt trips on my daughter lately because she doesn't spend enough time with him.  Perhaps he should consider who was the one to walk out on her and hasn't attended one event of hers yet this year (and most of last year as well).  I wish she had the guts to tell him to go pound sand up his a$$, but she is too sweet for that (I however, would have no problem at all.   ).  She had her confirmation ceremony at church last night and he didn't even bother to show up.  I guess he never thinks about the fact that these performances are not ever repeated.

I'm so sorry for what you two have to put up with from these jerks.  At least mine rarely shows his face so I don't have to deal with him.  I hope the school function went OK Mia.  I'm sure nobody took his appearance seriously.

I'm continuing to pray that they all fall off the face of the earth.  

Brigid

[Stormchild]

I wish she had the guts to tell him to go pound sand up his a$$, but she is too sweet for that (I however, would have no problem at all.   ).

Brigid, I love it, it's even more poetic than Vunil's masterpiece last week. May I use it? I am rolling on the floor!!!!!

((((((((Brigid))))))))

[Brigid]

Stormy,

I certainly can't take credit for that phrase.  By all means use it to your heart's content.  I think I picked it up from someone from the east coast (isn't that your territory?) many moons ago.  I still like the sound of it tho.   Comes in handy when dealing with the a$$holes.

Brigid

[Stormchild]

I was nuts about a guy from Da Bronx for years. This sounds almost exactly like his poetic expressiveness, so yes I can believe it's an East Coast phrase. Love it!

[Stormchild]

A haiku in honor of Vunil and Brigid.

S----- parents who
Set up children for abuse,
Pound sand up your a-- !!!!!!!!

[See, I said it was poetry     ]

[Anonymous]

How's everyone doing?  

Last night turned out well.  X N showed up (late of course)>>He had both kids with him so other Moms were asking me where the heck my kids were.  Thankfully he arrived before the children did their performance.

It was obvious that X N was feeling out of place.  He didn't know anyone and no one bothered to get acquainted with him.  He was on my turf now and he felt it.  

To top it all off my daughter's desk work was in a "family folder" and all her poetry, drawings, and writings focused on her family which included me, my husband, her brother, and her pet bird.  Not one drawing or one mention of X N ANYWHERE.  X N looked at the work in the folder and didn't show any concern of being "left out".  I only hope that he doesn't take it out on her later.  My other thought is that he could say this was an example of PAS.  In reality it's an example of a Dad who never bothered to bond with his daughter.  

Anyway, my daughter had a great time and was very happy and my son had a blast sitting in the audience watching his big sister.  

Brigid,
My Dad used to love to use that expression.  He grew up in Philadelphia.  He would be happy to know that it is catching on.  Heck, Stormy is already using it in her haiku. I bet my Dad wouldn't have thought this would be one of my fond memories of him.  He was quite the character.  

Mia

[Anonymous]

A brief update:  Since I cut off my email to  X N I have been feeling more relaxed.  I'm no longer full of dread when I need to hop on the computer.

For those of you who told me to keep the email so that I would still receive evidence of his insane ramblings...don't fret.....he has been sending even more correspondence through the mail.  I haven't been responding to any of it and it seems he can't handle being ignored.

My daughter said she was filling out a contest entry form from her American Girl magazine and she asked her Dad how to spell my name.  She told me that Dad started yelling at her saying that he doesn't know how to spell M's name and that he purposely has forgotten how to spell it.  She said he screamed all of this.  

Mia

[Stormchild Guesting]

A brief update:  Since I cut off my email to  X N I have been feeling more relaxed.  I'm no longer full of dread when I need to hop on the computer.

For those of you who told me to keep the email so that I would still receive evidence of his insane ramblings...don't fret.....he has been sending even more correspondence through the mail.  I haven't been responding to any of it and it seems he can't handle being ignored.

My daughter said she was filling out a contest entry form from her American Girl magazine and she asked her Dad how to spell my name.  She told me that Dad started yelling at her saying that he doesn't know how to spell M's name and that he purposely has forgotten how to spell it.  She said he screamed all of this.

Hi Mia

Sorry you were dreading the computer, glad you feel safer there now. Also glad that he's continuing to incriminate himself in writing, over his actual signature now.

See what bunny thinks about this, but my gut is saying gee, maybe you should ask your daughter to tell your therapist how Prince Charming reacted to being asked to spell your name. Then hand her notarized copies of his correspondence.

It just disgusts me how willing people are to side with obvious manipulators.

((((((((((Mia))))))))))

[Anonymous]

Dad started yelling at her saying that he doesn't know how to spell M's name and that he purposely has forgotten how to spell it.  She said he screamed all of this.

What did she wish you'd do after hearing this?

bunny

[Brigid]

My God Mia,
I read your posts and I just get sick thinking about what you and your kids have to go through with this head case.

I'm saying extra prayers for you to get through this and for him to hang himself by his toenails with all his ridiculous letters.

(((((((Mia & Kids))))))))))

Brigid