Confrontation

[N-Jaded]

I am new to this board, some of the postings brought tears to my eyes.  I believe my husband of only 3 yrs. to have N-traits.  How does one know for sure?  I've been reading so much about it, thy head is spinning.  Our relationship at present is strained to say the least.  Has anyone here ever confronted their N of their thoughts or feelings?  Or is it better left unsaid?  Thank-you for your time.

[bunny as guest]

Welcome N-jaded,

There is no way to know for sure that someone is a narcissist. Usually people observe that their spouse/parent/etc. is so selfish, so unconcerned about their feelings, so self-involved, that the term narcissist applies. Talking about to him about narcissism is not advisable. What's going on in the marriage?

bunny

[miaxo]

Has he always been this way?  Or is it just recently?

If he's going through a rough patch maybe you could discuss how offensive his behaviors are becoming towards you.

If he's a N it won't matter if you confront him....b/c he'll probably just turn it around on you and make you out to be the bad guy.

Good luck.

Mia

[N-Jaded]

Thanks for your reply Bunny, My spouse is very selfish, I feel as if he feels our marriage is a financial arrangement, he doesn't touch me anymore, said he doesn't care if he ever does again. Everytime I try to share my feelings he seems to take it as a direct assult and becomes quite defensive. and can be quite cruel. He lies...about little things and I don't understand why, he is quite manipulative. he goes to great lengths to convince me of his truths, brags about belongings, and such. I see him cry over television shows like that extreme makeover home show, but yet last week at his sisters fumeral he didn't shed a tear.   I feel like he hates me.  So I pretty much live in the family room downstairs and he stays upstairs, we don't talk much anymore. I am in a positon where it would be quite difficult for me to leave financially. I have started counseling, tried to tell the therapist what I was feeling but don't feel he believes me.  I guess if you don't live with it, it does seem far fetched.  The one thing I've never seen is the self love, or comparing himself to God.  I am rambling on here, I think you get the picture.

[bunny]

N-Jaded,

The grandiose, godlike behavior isn't required for narcissism. Your husband sounds seriously narcissistic. Can you leave this therapist and find someone who is more capable? This therapist sounds incompetent and useless. (sorry)

bunny

[Anonymous]

Bunny,
Possibly as he is in a group, (but it would be within the same group) which our insurance covers. It won't hurt to try.

[mum]

N-Jaded:  Three years into my marriage with my ex, I felt as you did.  He happened to be having affairs, but the behavoirs were similar.  I was terrified of leaving, worried financially mostly, but in my case, things never got better. Sure there were some better times....children, etc, but the treatment was the same if he wanted it to be. He called the shots, I gave him power over me.
I do not regret, as that is a pretty useless emotion, leading to some dark thinking....and also because I have two incredible children from that horrific marriage.  BUT, unless you want to go ahead and have some potential  children with a total child/bully who will use those kids to torment you endlessly..........ask yourself what you want.  Is this it?
Don't you deserve a better version of love?

[N-Jaded]

Yes, we all deserve to love and be loved.  Perhaps it is the nurse in me that finds this all so sad.  I want to help him, but realize it is not possible.  Our children of seperate marriages our grown adults now and yes he as allianated them.  So now he uses our dog to threaten me.  I know I need to leave as I no longer like the person I have become- somedays I don't even know her.

[longtire]

Hi N-Jaded

I know I need to leave as I no longer like the person I have become- somedays I don't even know her.

This is very telling to me.  In my own marriage, I feel that I have grown because of and despite the relationship.  Never with the help and support of the relationship.  I woke up one day and realized that I did NOT like the way I was behaving.  I felt out of control and decided I had to change, because I was not OK with acting that way.  I am still struggling with the actual leaving part, though.  Keep posting and let us know how things are going for you.

[N-Jaded]

I can't stop crying...I still find this all so very sad.  Our loved ones were not born this way.  From what I understand this damn disorder is apparently a result inflicted upon them from a painful or horrific childhood.  Burried so deep, they themselves can't recall it.  Why then do we condemn them if they know not what they do?  I am so trying to make sense of all this.  I do feel sorry for him.  I also feel so very sorry for his grown children and am considering sharing my thoughts with his adult daughter to help her gain further understanding of her terrible upbringing. Again, thank-you for letting me vent.

[longtire]

N-Jaded, it is very sad.  The only thing that separates "us" from "them" is our childhood experiences, which were totally out of our control. However, as adults we are all responsible for our own behavior, regardless of our backgrounds.  As adults no other person is capable of determining our behavior for us.

I do think we tend to slip into talking about the person, when we are really talking about the disease or the behavior.  This is one reason why many people avoid labels altogether.  I personally find labels convenient shorthand.  It is still up to me to keep in mind the distinction between the person and the disease/behavior.  Sometimes I do that well and other times not so well.

[Brigid]

N-Jaded,

Why then do we condemn them if they know not what they do?

I don't think we condemn them.  I think they condemn themselves.  Yes, they have been injured and they have a suffering they can't really accept.  But many of us come from injuries as well, but have managed to come out with our empathy, sense of decency, and caring for others intact.  I don't know why that is.  You could live your life trying to save this man, but you would disappear in the meanwhile.  You would be caring for him, but he would not be caring for you.  Very rarely are they willing to seek therapy and actually work through the issues they have.

You are going through a very difficult time right now.  Many of us have been where you are and know first-hand that level of pain.  It does get better and the fog does begin to clear.

God bless,

Brigid

[Jaded911]

Hi N-Jaded,

I am new to this board, some of the postings brought tears to my eyes.  I believe my husband of only 3 yrs. to have N-traits.  How does one know for sure?  I've been reading so much about it, thy head is spinning.  Our relationship at present is strained to say the least.  Has anyone here ever confronted their N of their thoughts or feelings?  Or is it better left unsaid?  Thank-you for your time.

I know this is very confusing.  I understand exactly what you are going through.  I felt as if I was in a twilight zone at times when dealing with my ex N.  You asked if anyone had ever confronted their N.  Yes maam I sure did.  We actually had seperated for 6 months when I had a situation arise that I had to be around him.  I actually confronted him with the facts that I had gathered and we talked for hours about it.

He cried and began to tell me that he had always known that something was wrong with him but never knew what it was.  That conversation drew us back together and he actually confronted his parents about the situation.  They are N all the way through and through.  His intentions seemed sincere when he promised me the stars and the moon.

The first time he had a chance to shove the whole situation up my ars, he took it and buddy boy he ran with it.  He turned it all around and tried to put the blame on me.  I ran his family off, I did this, I did that.

So to make a long story short.  You can not teach an old fighting dog new tricks.  You can't teach someone to have empathy when they have never known anything but selfishness.  Trying to teach someone to love is impossible when they are only filled with rage and spitefullness.  

I loved that man with every thing I had.  If I could have wished him to be the man I hoped he could be, it would have been a wonderful thing.  All the wishes in the world could not make him see what it is like to truly love and be loved.  I had to leave with what little sanity that I had left.

I can only share my experience and I might also add that I searched for months online to find a success story.  A zebra will always be a zebra and I truly believe that a N will always be a N.  What you have to decide is how much of yourself are you willing to sacrifice to feed his hunger?

My ex N made a comment to me one time that struck me deeply.  He told me that I would never change.  I told him one of the most truthful things that I have ever said.  I said, "Oh how wrong you are, I changed the second I ever met you.  I can't wait until you are just a horrible memory."

I did change from that relationship as I am sure others here did as well.  Please don't let him drain the life out of you.  Mine almost accomplished this with me.

Take care of yourself first and foremost!

[Jaded911]

I dont condemn them for what they do or dont do but I sure in the hell dont condone it either.

My feelings are.....they sure know when someone wrongs them.....so why dont they think when they are wronging others?

They sure know when they arent getting their supply.......so why do they feel they shouldnt have to return attention, affection, etc...

I dont hate N....I pity them.  I had a choice to continue to live that life....they have been sentenced to live their miserable lives.

Pity and sadness is what I feel for my N.  Hate him...nah...I love him more then he will ever love himself but I chose to love myself more.

[Anonymous]

Hello N-Jaded.  Welcome.

It is a sad situation...dealing with a person who's acts cause harm but who is not aware of why.      

Why then do we condemn them if they know not what they do?

It is not necessary, or our job, imo, to condemn anyone.

It is...however....your job to take care of you.  If this person is hurting you day in, day out, and you are feeling unloved, alone, unimportant in the relationship....then it is time for you to look after you.  It is necessary to preserve your mental/emotional health.

If he is doing things that hurt you then you must take that opportunity away from him.  There are a number of ways to do that....the most effective of which is.....leaving.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so down and so uncared for.  It's a rough thing to come to terms with and it hurts a lot.  ((((((N-Jaded))))) --that's a hug.

Keep posting because it will help.

GFN